Hi. Hello. It’s been awhile, I hope you are because I am. Well, mostly. I found the one who makes me laugh makes me smile Staves of the darkness so for just a little while I forget. I forget that a piece of me is broken, missing. A piece of me is gone and when I go to give it to the one who makes me feel okay Everything is not okay I scream and fight and push away And he’s just so confused. Things were good we worked through this there hasn’t been a meltdown in oh so many months He talks he soothes does everything I told him to do but still I’m fighting I’m crying I’m not there anymore I’m in another place another time where there were no smiles only tears and those tread are pouring out now as I fight within my self to get back to the place where things are fine and I’m surrounded by love. And then It’s over. I’m back he’s holding me and everything is grand But even now he hesitates to hold my hand afraid To hurt me To send me into a spiral that maybe this time I won’t be able to pull myself out of. And even though I thought I had forgiven you That I was past it I had regained what you took. I was wrong and I can’t forgive you Not yet.
Sometimes I just feel like I'm crazy. I get these thoughts that come through my head that feel alien, foreign. They don't come from the me I want to be they come from the me that I'm constantly running from. The me that hides behind the sweet smile and kind gestures. This me is not pretty, she is not smart, she is not kind. This me is a monster, who wants nothing more than carnage. Nothing can stay perfect too long, and I am spiraling into the me that I don't want to be. Happy New Year,
Have you ever seen the way fat bubbles under your skin? Fat is such a beautiful thing that is often talked about in such a negative way. Personally I love to watch the fat bubble after the red is done running red and I feel the immense calm that follows. Goodnight.
Sorry for the trigger. It is the mood I am in. Stay lovely.
He kisses me. Our alcohol mouths intertwined. Our cigarettes long burned, with ash trailing as long as the city lights that you walk me home under. I open my eyes, and he isn’t you. Will my whole life consist of kissing complete strangers so I can find you again?
He pulls me in close and holds me. If only he knew, that’s all I want. I have this longing to be held. By anyone, really. I don’t want them to talk. I don’t want them to look me in the eyes. Because I’ll cry and I don’t want to cry. Just keep holding me. Please. I know he will never be you, but in this moment, with my head buried on his chest, I can pretend.