I sit
Perched beside my window
With this fresh cold air pouring into my room
There is no yellow light outside
It is cold and perfectly serene
I see a mist of blue over my garden
The trees stand silently
And the great pool of water does not stir
There is no movement so early in the morning
The birds merely chirp discretely
Awakening this world to a new day
This is the earth's silent hour
She is awake,
But her eyelids only just start to flutter
This is my favourite beauty
This silent, lonely
Tranquil beauty
Of morning...

The cold breeze is a reminder that I am alive
I am breathing
My tears will dry
It is time to focus
On me
On my life
Exactly what I intend to be

Oh, yes, I do hear you earth
I haven't heard you in quite a while
You softly call my name
And you urge me
To stand up
To no longer stifle myself
However, noted, this is a constant bashing argument in my heart -
Stifling my true self...
The singing Robin I was
The fluttering fairy I used to Dream of being
The galloping princess through daisy fields
Who sighs as she lands in the soil of the earth
Takes a deep breath
And sings out
Words that have flooded in her heart
She sings love songs
And words of praise

She is an effervescent, psychedelic beauty
That I realise...
I will be
On this silent morning
Of the earth.

Six years and I still shudder
I would close my eyes for a minute and see it
I remember the metallic taste of the silver ware
The agonizing muddying look of the concoction
As it swirled around in the poorly washed cup

I really doubt I would have minded much
You see, the water was too much
The cheap chocolate flavored powder too small
It made me think of Oliver Twist
Of the grave injustice on mortal men

I still have nightmares about the kettle
The way she would shake it with a vengeance
And turn it carelessly into the cups
The waiter serves me my coffee and I almost scream
I can see her trying to get all cups to be even

I suppose all of my nagging would be void
If we didn’t get to see the undiluted contents at the base
The way the black residue stared back at me; daring me
No matter how many times I tried to convince myself,
I believe that chocolate should not leave residues

I stare at the cup in front of me
It has gone cold whilst I reminisced.
It is all brown and smug
I wonder if this is how cold coffee looks
I call the waiter concerning the bill

My brain is messing with me.
I swear the chocolate drink winked at me.

it took 4 full moons
2 bottles of something stronger than you ever were
and a salty waterfall from my eyes that **** near drowned me
to finally realize
you were not
and never planned to be
someone who loved me

words hurt like teeth clenched around an open wound
unbearable agony
scarred forever like the cigarette burn you made yourself
on accident
small price to pay for a forever stay

i've had a
good day

remembered
to water my
plants
drank two cups
of coffee
didn't feel the
irrepressible need to
scream at my family
drowned in a
stranger's spaghetti

(okay so maybe
i could have lived
without the whole
swimming through pasta
it starts to wrap around
and choke you after awhile)

found out that
apparently i'm
the nicest person
at work because
i'm the only one who
doesn't want to
throw karen out
the picture window

(i mean i do
i just don't admit it
because that
would be mean.)

i kept looking up
to the bells on the door
remembering yesterday
when i saw the face
of one of the dearest
ladies i've ever known

(i don't know if
she saw me)

and then for some
reason she turned
directly around and
rushed down the
front steps and
didn't come back in

maybe it wasn't her
maybe an emergency
but the question's
eating at me.

slipping back and forth
here and there
into the mindset that maybe
i owe it to them

(i don't want to go
anywhere on monday
nights but i don't
want to tell you that)

then hitting myself
in the head because
what have i been
saying so long?

i don't owe
anybody anything.

i've had a
good day
or a day
that wasn't bad

(just tied my
spine into knots
and i tried the
downward dog
but the dog
knocked me down)

so i'm not sure
why the veins in
my arms are aching
and the muscles
in my elbows
compressing

as if
even

like i'm not
brutally aware
that my wrists are
not currently
available for
extended slitting

so i don't
know why
they're so
upset

then again
i don't
know why
i'm so
upset
either

i mean
i've had
a good day
******.