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Tyler Feb 24
My head hurts from crying
Pounding to the rhythm of my heartbeat
I wish I could stop, but tears keep falling
And suddenly I’m standing in a puddle
A puddle of liquid memories, seeping through my eyes
Like I’m a great vessel for great love, great misery
The scent of your shirt filled with cigarette smoke, and the gentle coarseness of your beard forces its way to my consciousness
And how am I meant to be happy now?
How can things ever be the same?
I can’t feel your heartbeat against my cheek
Nor your lips on the top of my head
How much can a human take?
Because having to leave you was even harder than last time
And there’s not much left of me to break.
Tyler Feb 20
I need you to love me
The looks that you give me
The kisses on my head
The way that you hold me
It’s everything and not enough
Because you don’t love me
And that’s all I need in the world.
I need you to be with me
To never leave again
Happiness is short-lived
Your love has a shirt timespan.
You can break me in pieces and say that you hate me
You can tear me apart to the core
You can heat up my skin and freeze down my blood
As long as you say that I’m yours.
I know that it’s selfish
I know that it’s not fair
But I really need you to love me
But your love is million dollar rare.
Tyler Dec 2018
I close my eyes and return to you
I return to the memories we have
The ghosts of your soft gaze
I forget and re-remember things, over and over
Like how you wink when you say something cheeky
How you warm your hands on mine
How you do the dishes in your underwear
How your hug feels like it could fit an entire world
And I feel the little fire in my chest grow larger
Smoke seeping through my skin
Because I remember how much I miss you
I miss seeing your face
I miss feeling your scent
I miss not being lonely
Because my bed will always be cold
As long as you’re not here.
Tyler Nov 2018
Happy memories are stingrays now
Thinking of when you drunkenly called me from your friend’s bathtub
When you only wanted to be with me at that party
Not with your friends
When you looked into my eyes and made me feel at home
Like I belonged somewhere
Like I belong in your arms
In the warmth of your laughter
In the softness of your skin
And only to you.
I try not to remember talking to you until we were half asleep
Or drunkenly arm wrestling
Or your hands in my hair
Your heat colliding with mine
Creating a bond between two passions
But when I see you with him
Not only is it all I can think of
It is all I can live
Because your love
Is all I can be.
Tyler Nov 2018
The bliss of a good day is gone
A calm, dull darkness spreads in me
I don’t really feel sad
I don’t feel scared or worried
Neither excited nor happy
Actually, I don’t feel much at all
I just exist in some twisted, tiresome way
My head hurts of bad sleeping habits
And too little food
And I’m still wearing my tights pants
I never had the energy to take them off
My house is a mess and my kitchen is weary
But how can I clean when I can’t catch the glimpse of an energy boost
Not even a hint of a little hopefulness
How can I do things when I can barely keep myself awake?
My life is good and generally, I’m happy
But every time I set foot in this cursed apartment
It all comes back to me, like a light switch
And suddenly -
All that joy is gone
And what remains is merely a blanket from the past.
Tyler Nov 2018
The achy feeling in my chest is back
The mere thought of you with him
With anyone
Breaks me just enough to see the pain in between the cracks in my skin
Could you really have all that with him?
And if he gets to be near you
If he gets to feel the warmth of your body
Instead of me
I don’t think I can handle it
The memories will be needles
The ghost of your touch will be flames
And that is too much for me
Just let me be your everything
Too.
Tyler Oct 2018
I put on my pretty fairy lights and lit some candles
One of my favourite movies is on the TV
I have a bowl of popcorn in my lap
It’s a cozy Sunday evening and my birthday is next week
But in my head, thoughts are racing so fast I can’t tell them apart
I feel guilty for being so intense
And I wonder if any of these feelings are normal
I wonder why I can’t relax
I wonder why I can’t stop convincing myself that you don’t like me anymore
Why can’t I stop interpreting your momentary silence as you leaving.
Leaving. That’s a scary word.
I cry a little when I think of it
I delve deeper and deeper into the pit of fear and cry even more
And suddenly I find myself praying about a situation I don’t know if exists
Stargazing to take my mind off of events I don’t know if have happened
And I wonder:
“How do other people deal with this?”
How do other people deal with falling in love
Without the sky falling with them?
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