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Aug 2019 · 91
Adopted or Orphan?
Nickoli Aug 2019
The loss of you hurts, an unimaginable amount.
I hold it in thinking if I don't acknowledge your death than my wounds don't exist.
I never knew you, or him... it is an odd feeling, grieving parents you never had.
Both of you gone has left me numb, I don't feeling anything.
Not knowing what you're feeling isn't the same as not feeling anything.... so many questions and thoughts I'll never get to share with you.
He was a bad man, he hurt you in a terrible way, you never had a chance with me as the outcome.
Events from almost 21 years ago changed 3 peoples lives for ever.
He was killed in prison, you died without raising me because of the disgust I reminded you of and I never even had a chance at a life with you.
Apr 2019 · 107
Nickoli Apr 2019
Just like that another broken heart,
Another cycle of sleepless nights,
No appetite and throbbing heart,
And just like that I fall apart....
Feb 2018 · 144
Happy 21st
Nickoli Feb 2018
We’ve known each other for 5 years
60 months,
260 weeks,
1,825 days,
43,800 hours,
2,628,000 minutes,
155,000,000 seconds.

We have celebrated 10 birthdays,
5 Christmases,
1000’s of small victories,
A handful of immense wins,
Promotions and awards,
Success stories and failures.

I have had the pleasure of watching you grow,
Turn into an incredibly strong woman,
Fight your demons head on,
Conquer the big moments,
And love fearlessly.

I promise to love you,
Even when your jokes are not funny,
Through all of the wrongs,
And all of the rights,
I'm here to be a best friend,
Cause I love you and that's what
Best friends do,
5 years down with you by my side,
Only a lifetime to go.
Nov 2017 · 417
"Just another girl"
Nickoli Nov 2017
“Just another girl”
With a broken heart,
With trust issues,
With a victim label.

A broken heart at 19,
But **** it hurts like it was just yesterday,
Damage so severe I can barely find a heartbeat.

Trust issues rooted deep at the age of 3 hours old,
Abandoned by the “unconditional love” a mother has,
Afraid I would be just like my ****** ***** donor.

Labeled a victim sophomore year of high school,
Years of recovering and years to go,
Blamed and humiliated as if there were bright orange caution signs all around him.

“Just another girl” an unfair label as if we all hurt and feel the exact same.
You aren't “just another girl”
You are a beautiful soul that has been thrown around and can recover.
Nov 2017 · 135
The Worst In Me
Nickoli Nov 2017
You’re not my home anymore,
But if I could move back in I would,
If I could forget all the bad I would,
But the worst in me doesn’t want to.

You don’t know what it’s like,
To see the person who used to be a home,
Now a stranger who locked the front door.

Can’t stop my feet from walking back,
To be invited in then moments after locked out again,
You’ve been selfish with a home that used to be ours.

Fights that would flood our home with tears,
Beautiful nights together that would cover the ceiling with night stars.
The match previously burned out by rage and sorrow.

A family that was once ours is now yours,
Friends that were ours now mine,
A life built around us has burned to the ground, you lit the winning match.
Nov 2017 · 1.2k
Healing a Broken Heart
Nickoli Nov 2017
Its a difficult feeling,
You still cry over him ever night,
But not because you miss him.

You don't miss all the lies he told,
You miss the way his touch made every hair on your body stand up,
You don't miss all selfish games he played,
You miss how noble and humble he was.

That's the thing about a broken heart,
The moment you come to terms with who he really is,
That's the moment every thing changes,
Once you accept its broken it can begin to heal.
Sep 2017 · 282
Letter to My Ex
Nickoli Sep 2017
If I could say anything to you now I would say..

Never come up the brick stairs and knock on my door again,
You have no place or right to even think about me now.

Leave your future apology in your throat,
Just like all the real ones you never said.

Forget the pity party you try and create for yourself,
If you can’t sell it no one can buy it.

Remember all the kind and loving things I did for you,
Because no other girl will ever see you the way I did.

When you tell the story of you and I don’t forget,
You were the villain you seem to flip those roles.

Delete my number from your phone,
I don’t answer unknown numbers anyway.

Oh and don’t forget because trust me you do,
Making someone else a priority isn’t a bad thing.

Final thing,
I hope and I really do, I hope that no girl ever makes you feel the pain you caused me.
Because even I wouldn’t wish something that destructive on you.
Sep 2017 · 273
Nickoli Sep 2017
I am humiliated for loving you,
For trusting you,
For believing you were someone worth fighting for.

I broke my morals and beliefs,
I gave you my heart so foolishly,
You turned out to be everything I hoped I’d never find.

You disgust me,
Not because you broke my heart,
Because you made me a second choice.

You made me look weak,
I am the girl who wasn’t good enough,
I am the girl who is pitied now.

Hope she was worth it,
Leaving me for someone else,
I am not second best and you helped me see that.

If you knew how much pain you caused me you would never be able to look me in the eye again.
Aug 2017 · 427
Nickoli Aug 2017
Thinking about you keeps me awake,
I can’t eat,
I can’t breathe,
I’m paralyzed

I sit there in silence thinking of you,
Unable to move,
Unable to speak,
I’m paralyzed

You paralyzed me,
With your eyes,
Your words,
With your lies

I'm paralyzed.
Aug 2017 · 136
Nickoli Aug 2017
My soul doesn’t smile the way it use to,
My eyes lost the sparkle,
My heart became barricaded,
My existence has been threatened.

Love isn’t what destroyed me,
You are,
You selfishly came into my life,
You selfishly loved me then took it away.

How do I believe in myself again,
How do I find the sparkle you took,
The smile that was lost,
How do you repair a shattered soul.
Aug 2017 · 387
My fault for Trusting You
Nickoli Aug 2017
A broken heart can never be fully put back together,
He took apart of you that you didn’t know existed,
You sacrifice your morals and beliefs,
Yet it’s still not enough.

Saying his name is like a bullet,
Deadly to my heart and mind,
Thinking about you recreates the pain,
You were selfish and arrogant.

You were manipulative and conniving,
You were everything I swore I’d never be,
I chose you with intentions so pure,
A kiss on the forehead and love within our eyes.

Never expecting you to take away everything I built,
Unknowing that the ground would be taken from right underneath me,
Trusting that I was the only women you would ever need,
Letting you in close enough to hurt me was the worst thing I could've done.

So foolishly thinking that my heart was safe with you,
My biggest mistake was giving you the chance to destroy me,
You took that chance without a second thought,
Congratulations on betraying the only women who actually tried for you.
Aug 2017 · 153
Nickoli Aug 2017
You left wounds that wont stop bleeding,
I want to hate you but I can’t,
You’ve put my through hell,
You lied and you don’t care.

I still pray for you at night,
Maybe one day you’ll realize how badly you messed up,
You changed into someone I don’t recognize,
I don't think you even recognize yourself.

I hope you're somewhere praying,
I am praying you find your piece,
I am praying I learn how to breathe on my own again,
Because of you I learned how to stand up for myself.

I will never stop praying for you,
God can’t do all the work though,
You have to want to change,
I hope you find your piece.
Nickoli Aug 2017
I try hard not to think about you,
Not to let you affect the way I breathe,
But the truth is I’m suffocating without you,

I think about you and I hate it,
I hate that you’ve probably forgotten all about me,
Yet I’m the one crying in the shower trying to figure out where it all went wrong.

You stand as cold as ice,
Did I even mean anything to you,
Or was I just a temporary high,
I guess it doesn’t matter now you already said goodbye.
Jul 2017 · 345
Nickoli Jul 2017
Letting you go is like closing a book I never intended to finish,
Not because the book was terrible,
But because I was captured in it,
Putting the book down meant the possibility of losing your place.

I was captured by you,
From your ginger beard,
To your love of guns.

We would sit in the car for hours talking,
We would talk about the people who changed us,
The people who loved us,
And the people who hurt us.

The hardest part about putting down a book is knowing that even if you get the chance to pick it back up it won’t be the same.
Jul 2017 · 1.4k
To the Next Women
Nickoli Jul 2017
You don’t know him like I do,
He has night terrors like he’s been in war,
He doesn’t trust himself when he drinks alone,
He fears he will turnout like his father,

You don’t know him like I do,
When he’s happy you can’t help but smile,
When he’s grumpy he has the most adorable nose crinkle,
When he’s sad he won’t let it show,

You don’t know him like I do,
There are doors locked within his eyes,
He fears failing everyone,
Loving people is hard for him because people leave,

You don’t know him like I do you never really will,
I hope you figure out that he loves back rubs as he falls asleep,
Or that getting him a gatorade is like a peace offering,
Never forget to let him know that you’re home safe.

You may think that you know it all,
And I really hope you do,
But a love like mine and his doesn’t come around but once in a lifetime.

I was his once in a lifetime,
So to who ever who loves him next,
I am a tough act to follow but I truly do wish you luck,
Please take care of him and keep building him up.
He deserves the world, make sure you give it to him.

But you will never know him the way I do, no one will.
Jul 2017 · 482
Pinky Swear
Nickoli Jul 2017
I wouldn't change a thing,
Your heart never stopped beating for me,
Mine never stopped beating for you.

Sometimes showing you care means walking away,
Not leaving for ever but giving one another room to grow,
This isn't goodbye simply farewell for now.

You were the jelly,
I was the peanut butter,
Amazing together but even better separate.

For now we walk away from each other,
You'll always be apart of me and I'll always be apart of you,
Thank you for showing me what love and sacrifice really means.
Mar 2017 · 594
Nickoli Mar 2017
NJROTC is the one thing that made me feel confident in who I was, now it is gone. There will be no ROTC next year, most people don’t care, but the people who worked their butts off are hurting. We work all year round, constantly training and bettering ourselves. The funny thing about all of this is the fact that we all new it was coming, we just didn’t know how soon. People don’t care and I don’t expect them to but I hope people realize that having that program changed the school for the better and the cadets in it.
We weren’t perfect we had our days where we just wanted to give up. We have had rocks thrown at us, yet we stood firm. We have been made fun of and still are but that never once took an ounce of pride from our hearts. I will not be here I graduate in May, so people wonder why I am so upset. I am upset because I have personally worked with every cadet who wanted to be something, I have been there when we won first place titles, I have been there for the most hilarious fails, I have been there for the biggest wins in the smallest ways. Regardless of when or where I have been there! I have seen them at there best and worst, I have given pep talks at meets that have changed the outcome within the blink of an eye. You can’t understand what it is like to be in a program like this if you aren’t in it.
In the eyes of the Juniors everything they have worked for for three years have just been ripped from their hands, they don’t know how to handle something like this, neither do I. ROTC made these kids who they are, it has shaped me into the strong, confident and intelligent woman I am. How do I look them straight into the eyes and tell them it is gonna be okay when I myself don’t even believe that? I will walk out of high school with only one regret, that I didn’t prepare them properly for this hit. I have lead and prepared them for everything but this, could it be true? Is this it? It is………..
Nov 2016 · 440
Chained down
Nickoli Nov 2016
I see her
I see the fear in her eyes now that the secrets out
I see how much its overwhelming her
I see how real it has become
The assault will never be erased
It will never leave her side
My heart breaks for her
I've been in her exact same spot before
I want to help her fight
but I can't
I haven't won my battle yet either
Sometimes I don't think I ever will
She went to bed a different person than she woke up as
That was the last time she will ever be fully her again
It's forever a chain locked around her ankle
She will never be able to fully recover
She will never be able to love the same
She will never be the same
Aug 2016 · 272
Nickoli Aug 2016
I remember my first fight with my mom, I could hear her crying all the way down the hall.
I remember the first time I got hit by an adult, and the bruises that poured over my body in a matter of weeks.
I remember the first time my heart was broken, the pain was unimaginable.
I remember the first time my youngest brother got drunk and stumbled to the driveway,I took his keys so he couldn’t drive.
I remember the day my niece died, the pain that came over my sister covered her like a blanket.
I remember the night I got the call that Ezkial was dead, listening to the tv the next morning just sitting there in a haze drenched in tears and sorrow. I remember the first time I hurt my brother, yelling about how our father was a ******* and worthless.
I remember the fights with my dad, him slamming the door behind himself as he leaves me there in tears.
I remember the first time I let someone touch my body without shaking, I let him see beneath my skin.
I remember the day I got the call that my brother was arrested for a DUI.
I remember “falling down” the stairs and brushing it off as if I just stumbled.
I remember going into the emergency room and mumbling “I trusted him”.
I remember the day Danny and I were adopted from Russia, looking through the back window as we dove away, the orphanage fading away into the distance.
I remember the day I felt the most defeated.
May 2016 · 280
Fear of Love
Nickoli May 2016
I don’t want you to love me
I hate the way you care for me
You see beneath my skin
I hate the way you can read me
I hate the way you look at me
I hate the way you make me nervous
I hate the power your kisses have
I hate how you hold my heart
I hate the way I love you
I hate the way that your words can **** me
I hate the way your touch makes me melt
I hate the that you make me love you
I hate that I need you in more ways than one
I hate that you can destroy me with one word
I hate that I could never be the one to walk away
May 2016 · 920
Is Love Enough?
Nickoli May 2016
My heart has finally found the missing piece
He holds it, so gently but with a grip
Fear is my biggest enemy
We’ve been here once before

I glued my heart back together, piece by piece
He took a piece, then brought it back
What makes this time so different
We’ve been here once before

Reality has no place in my thoughts
I love him he loves me
I call him home, yet I’ve moved out once before
We’ve been here once before

I look into his eyes, they’re not the same as I remember
Secrets hidden, I hold the key
But I’m not ready to open that door
We’ve been here once before

Even though he holds my heart it feels heavy
Maybe there has been to much damage done
Am I ready to forgive him
We’ve been here once before

Is it time to close this chapter
Walk away and leave the door closed
Is love enough anymore
We’ve been here once before
Feb 2016 · 223
Nickoli Feb 2016
She knew what she wanted but knew she couldn’t have it
She knew the pain inside wouldn’t go away
She knew today was the day it would end
She jumped
Feb 2016 · 172
Nickoli Feb 2016
I see people on the streets on their phones,
Saying they have everything figured out,
Their shadows linger behind,
They tell a different story,
One of pain and silence,
Too many quiet nights,
Flashbacks to the pain,
Their shadows have always been there,
They will never leave your side.
Feb 2016 · 512
I'm sorry
Nickoli Feb 2016
I’m sorry mom
Sorry for the times I pushed you away
For the days that I hated you
And for the tears I caused you

I’m not the daughter you wanted
I am sorry for the nights I made you hate yourself
For the lonely nights
All you wanted was to be by my side

I don’t know how to be what you need
I don’t talk about my feelings
I don’t show emotion
I promise I’m not heartless

I’ve learned to guard my heart
Not just from you but everyone
So please don’t take it to heart
I am just falling apart

Maybe my blood is too hot
Maybe I have a brain disease
Maybe I have a disorder
But for now you’re just gonna have to take my word

You tried so hard to be there
You were all in
But I wasn’t
I’m sorry mom for all the wounds I left on your heart.
Feb 2016 · 353
Young Soul
Nickoli Feb 2016
She was a young girl,
Her spirit was bright,
She believed the world was good,
Until pain overwhelmed her.

The assault had made her a new friend,
It was called a razor blade,
Never able to do it,
So desperately she wanted to end it.

Months go by and the pain lingers above her head,
It’s all just too much,
Darkness becomes her life,
A toy she played with a lot now.

The mirror was a window into the past,
Every time she looked into it she saw disgust,
The trapped memories with in her eyes,
End it, End it now she told herself.

Sits in the shower crying,
Know one knew the pain she was in,
No matter how hard she scrubs the flashbacks won't go away,
Scrubbing so hard blood starts to go down the drain.

Her life crumbling before her eyes,
She was broken,
Yet she didn’t care,
“You think you know somebody”.
Feb 2016 · 401
Graduating Early
Nickoli Feb 2016
Who am I supposed to come to help for,
Who is gonna pick me up from the floor.

How am I supposed to deal with people,
How am I supposed to do this by myself.

You’re my bestfriend please don’t leave,
I don’t wanna do this alone.

It’s not the same as talking on the phone,
Things will change.

We will change,
In the end this is your choice.

We’ve talked about graduation since we were little,
The dream doesn’t work with only one.

I’m walking into the future by myself,
At this point it couldn’t be worse than hell.
Jan 2016 · 457
Nickoli Jan 2016
I miss the touch of your skin,
I miss the way you looked at me,
It’s been months and the pain is unreal,
This deployment is tearing me apart,
I know that it will be worth it,
Seeing you in those spread out months,
It makes all of the tears,
and lonely days worth it,
I turn onto your side of the bed,
Where you should be but you aren’t,
Incase you don’t find what you’re looking for,
Incase you miss me,
Incase you are missing my love,
Incase you wanna come home,
I will be right here,
I see you in everything I do,
I can’t sleep because all I’m doing is missing you,
You were the light,
Now it all just seems so dark,
Terrified that you won’t come home,
Waiting for the uniforms to walk up to my door,
I need you to come home,
You’re out there protecting others,
You didn’t leave to fight what’s in front of you,
You left to protect what’s behind you,
Please come home,
Your family misses you,
But I get it you have a country to protect,
I will be waiting right here when you come back.
Jan 2016 · 271
Am I wrong
Nickoli Jan 2016
Am I wrong for letting my heart decide,
I ignored my brain,
Yet I still feel the pain you caused me,
I have forgiven you but I haven’t forgotten,
Am I wrong for trusting you again,
Letting you back into my heart,
Letting you touch what you tore apart,
I need you,
Not in a ****** way but in a sensual one,
Will the pain ever go away,
Am I wrong for letting you back in,
Will I regret this very soon,
Or will you prove you love me,
Am I wrong for giving you another chance.
Oct 2015 · 541
Nickoli Oct 2015
I loved you more than a musician loves music,
I trusted you with more of my heart then a doctor,
I showed you more of my soul then my own family,
I let you touch the mountains and curves of my body,
I gave you my thoughts and we explored the caves together,
I never shattered the love we had built,
I was always there to dry your tears and wipe them from your cheek,
I forever held my hand in yours with true intentions of love,
I had always dreamed of giving you the life you wanted,
I always was right there to catch you from another hit by this thing called life,
Now for you,
You were there when I need a bandaid,
You were there when I was scared of being alone,
You were there to support me in my dreams,
You let me explore the beautiful mind you were given,
You let me take the chains off my tongue and speak freely,
You let me express my heart and soul,
Our hands were tangled together with love and pure soul,
I’m sorry for the pain we have both endured,
It clearly doesn’t tear you apart,
I am happy for the life you have made,
I am happy for the life I have recovered in,
I will always love apart of you,
But I am happier without you,
No more crying no more pain,
You’re now a locked door in the back of my mind,
You have the key,
Don’t be selfish with it.
Oct 2015 · 257
All Wrong
Nickoli Oct 2015
Life has this funny effect on people, you’re whole life is made up of other people's opinions and thoughts not your own. After awhile you start to realize that your life is not your own, other people depend on you and need you. So if you go and decide to do something stupid like smoke and it ends up going down hill it's not just you who gets hurt. What if you had died, your life is not your own you can't just go around throwing your life away, people look up to you and expect certain things from you. You can't just do something stupid and risk your own life, it’s not your life to risk. You could've died that day in the ambulance, you overdosed and almost died. Yet it doesn't seem to faze you but at the same time it took something from you, you haven't been the same since. I try so hard to get you back to your regular self, but ever since that night you went into a shell I have yet to break you from. It’s not a game when you almost die, you overdose on the lies that you were told. Trust is something you have lost, life is confusing and you’re scared. Scared and terrified on the side of the street you had to call your own ambulance, left alone to die by the ******* who did this. Now he’s in jail, yet you're still the one suffering. How is any of this fair, simple it’s not. Life completely ******* you over, that much is pretty obvious but you have to fight back. You have every right to be who you were before all of this happened, yet you can't overcome the pain and fear of what has happened. What you don’t understand is, you’re so much stronger than you think. People look up to and count on you because they know they can rely on you. You’re heart is full of passion and love for the others around you and the funny things is you don't even seem to see that. Life has a funny way of working out for people, sometimes you have to fall before you fly. I think you’re just starting to figure this out and you’re having a hard time adjusting, its understandable. You're still going through withdrawal and that's a very scary process, but I know you can get through it.
Oct 2015 · 416
Nickoli Oct 2015
How do you see yourself, are you strong and cunning, or are you quiet and awkward. I see myself as barely hanging on to the branch of hope from the tree of despair. I planted this tree many years ago from the pain and hurt that the world has so generously thrown towards me. This tree consist of the stump where you first started this scary road at age 5, you slowly move up the tree going towards the branches. The first branch signifies the first beating, the leafs on the branch show how many times, over and over again. The next branch is from your first bruise as a child, the leafs over growing the branch because there are just too many to count. The third branches is a little better, your first smile in a long time, this branch has had very few leafs for quite some time. Now lets jump to age 8, your eighth branch that consist of many twigs, where things seem so dim and so fragile that the twigs could snap at any time because things could turn back to bad so fast. Your ninth branch is a very special branch, you see a little light of hope where maybe you think god is there. Age 11, you're up to branch thirteen where you’re still trying to recover from the unfair hurt this is an empty branch, still unable to figure out how to reclaim yourself. Your fourteenth branch is called the branch of fear, now this branch is filled with leafs because you’re just terrified of everything. The fifteenth branch is where you hold all your pain and fears this branch is covered with leaves on twigs, the twigs are your fears and the leaves are the pain you've endured. Or how about the branch of forgiveness where you’re unsure if you should leave a leaf or not. We’re up to age 15 where acceptance is key, this is a branch with a single leaf, as I'm still trying to forgive and leave a second leaf. Right now I’m hanging from the branch where I have hope dangling from very few leaves, but I’m slipping and might not be able to hang on to this branch for much longer. Now we come to the rigorous days of rain that is constantly pouring down, all my emotions hitting every branch.
Oct 2015 · 996
I am Waiting
Nickoli Oct 2015
I am waiting for people to accept each other for who they really are,
not for who they want people to see,
I am waiting for people to see how ******* up the world is,
and actually do something to change it,
I am waiting for people to realize that even though you say we’re far from hell,
you look and realize that we’re slowly sinking into it,
I am waiting for people to stand up and say I believe this,
not just sit quiet and act like mindless robots,
I am waiting for people fall in love without the fear of getting hurt,
take a chance,
I am waiting for people to see that people die everyday,
but only few are noticed and remembered.

I am waiting for people to be honest how they’re feeling,
not just saying I’m good, if you’re feeling terrible SAY IT,
I am waiting for people to see that gender and race don't mean a **** thing,
that you should be judged on your mind and thoughts,
I am waiting for people to stop obsessing and stop hunting for love,
let love come to you its not your whole life,
I am waiting for people to claim their thoughts for there own,
don’t hide under the name anonymous,
I am waiting for teenagers to open up their minds to new ideas,
I am waiting for people to understand that we created hell,
Hell is our own reality, which means we can get rid of it.
Oct 2015 · 2.2k
Freedom gives us……
Nickoli Oct 2015
Freedom gives us……

poetry and the ability to make music,
you just have to ignore the discrimination in them,
Freedom gives us the poetry that helps your thoughts become real,
even when you hear poems that remind you of the hell we’re living in,
Freedom gives us soldiers to fight our wars,
even though they don’t always come back,
Freedom gives us faith to stand tall on,
if you don't mind people killing each other over religion,
Freedom gives us happiness,
and every now and then a glimpse of hell.
Freedom gives us the right to do whatever you want,
with some murders and don't mind the gun shots.
Freedom gives you a free voice,
if you don’t mind a war because of different opinions,
Freedom gives you the choice to believe in heaven,
though hell proceeds to make sure it’s all around us,
Freedom gives kids the right to be in themselves,
even if kids are bullied daily,
Freedom gives us the the right to think love exist,
you just have to ignore all the hatred people show towards one another,
Freedom gives us the right to believe there are good people in the world,
even when sometimes all you can see is the air filled with blood,
Freedom gives you the right to talk about whatever you want wherever you want,
just not in school as if **** and drugs are trigger words that might remind kids of reality,
Freedom gives us the right to go to school and learn,
just not about the real world,
We learn that ****** are only in the dark alleys and white vans.
no one ever told us they could be the ones in our home,
our neighbors,
our friends,
They make it sound like a fairy tale “the princess always gets saved”,
I guess I was just too broken,
showed too much emotion so they didn't need to save me,
Freedom gives us choices,
Fight back or stay quiet and I chose to fight back
I didn't need a prince charming I SAVED MYSELF, came clean as people called me a liar
Because I denied a little girl her ******* fairy tale,
Freedom gives us the right to feel powerful,
they forgot to mention how fast it can be taken away.
I am waiting for people to understand that we created hell,
which means we can get rid of it.
Oct 2015 · 216
Nickoli Oct 2015
You see a girl who's always smiling,
A girl who always manages to think positive,
A girl who never backs down from a fight,
What you don’t is a girl who is crying on the inside,
What you don’t see is a girl who has an everyday battle with a razor blade,
What you don’t see is a girl who is terrified to speak up in a crowd,
You see a girl who stands tall,
A girl that makes any situation fixable,
A girl that many people enjoy being around,
What you don’t see is the pain hidden inside,
What you don’t see is a girl who is terrified to mess up,
What you don’t see is the feeling of hatred she can’t get out of her head,
You see a girl who can laugh even when she’s broken
A girl that seems strong as stone on the outside,
A girl who so easily makes friends,
What you don’t see are the tears she just wiped from her cheek,
What you don’t see is the emotional and mental scars that have taken over her body,
What you don’t see is a girl who fears the next day it’s the day they could find out her past.
Oct 2015 · 442
Nickoli Oct 2015
I stand there like a stone, watching you leave sunk my heart
I try to push out the words “please stay” but I just go silent

I miss the smell of your colon
I miss what we had but not what you’ve become

You found love again
I have yet to rebuild what you’ve wrecked inside me

“I’ll always be there”
A lie that caused wounds

You will come back soon
I won’t be here ready to be your rebound

You say you know me but you don’t
If you knew me you would know that I am so much stronger than you think

I was dragged to hell and I crawled back out more than once
Scars placed on me that no one can see

You’re not aloud to control me
You’re somebody I knew that’s it

I learned a lesson from you
I don’t ever wanna close my eyes and think of you again

Without you I feel torn
I will heal though

You will soon realize what you lost
But by then I will have a new hand to hold.
Oct 2015 · 393
Nickoli Oct 2015
I’ve learned a lot about people,
This summer has put my perspective in a different direction,
Her name was Andrea,
She was the “Big Sister” in the group,
I confided my heart and soul to her,
I expected a lot of bad reactions,
Yet all I got was love,
My personal favorite,
Pouring out encouragement and “it’ll be ok”,
When ever she would say that it was like a blanket wrapping me in warmth,
On the outside she was strong and kind,
On the inside she was even more beautiful,
Andrea held so many up,
But she kept forgetting about herself,
The day I told her my biggest pain I knew things were gonna change,
Pain was all I was seeming to learn that month,
She was my shield my safety net,
She may have let me fall a few times but she never let me fall alone,
It had seemed my pain was her pain,
I couldn’t seem to understand why she cared so much,
She saved my life,
She will never truly understand how much of a blessing she is,
I’m haunted by bad dreams,
But one text from her can make the dreams a little less scary,
It’s not alright to feel like you’re falling into nothing,
You can learn to fly,
That’s the most valuable thing I’ve learned throughout my 17 years,
I had so many words,
But I had no direction to send them,
My life was falling apart,
The anger that I felt the day she told my biggest secret was unexplainable,
Now I’m starting to understand it was never anger,
It was fear,
The Doctors, Social Workers and my own family turned their backs on me,
I have never felt so empty,
My head felt so heavy,
My heart was empty and my worst fears were coming true,
I held in every bit of emotion for the next couple weeks after,
I would get stares in the hall and think to myself “do they know”,
The week after it was senior formation,
That was a very hard day for me because I had to let go even if I wasn’t ready,
Andrea was ready to go,
I couldn’t hold her back,
So many emotions running through my brain that night,
Only by the grace of god did I have the strength to hold it all in,
I didn’t want to ruin a great night,
It didn’t matter what was going on in my life,
She came first and she still does,
In her mind it’s the exact opposite,
I guess it’s just a sister thing,
I went tumbling down this summer,
Andrea may have let me fall but never once alone,
It seemed as if the pain I was feeling was contagious,
I hated myself for that,
The night that I was assaulted I wasn’t the only one who felt it,
She held it together for me and for that I can never thank her enough,
I never knew how hard it would be for me to be okay again,
It’s a process,
But it’s never something you should go through alone,
If you’re lucky enough you will find someone like Andrea,
I ended up getting pregnant,
My life was not my own at that point,
There were a lot of thoughts going through my mind,
it was a terrifying but an amazing feeling,
I was scared of something I couldn’t even see,
As I grew closer to one month the fear was getting stronger,
I only had one way out I kept telling myself,
I just couldn’t do it,
I didn’t have a right to hurt others,
I was being selfish with my life,
That was the day I understood,
A week after it was just me,
God had given then taken away a child,
I don’t know if that was the right thing for me,
Was it my fault,
I questioned myself for months and still do,
I lost a lot this summer,
My confidence,
My personality,
My soul,
And a child,
I’ve grown so much stronger since then,
I’m starting to smile like I used to,
I’ve learned to celebrate the little things and cherish the big ones,
I can be the one light to make the dark just a little scary for others,
I wanna help people I just don’t know how yet,
Andrea may be rust in her mind,
But to me she is a diamond,
How do you say goodbye to someone who saved you?
Oct 2015 · 241
Nickoli Oct 2015
I think about you,
I wish I didn't,
I hate myself for what happened,
You make me out to be the villain in your story,
But I’m not,
My heart is breaking,
The hardest thing is looking into your eyes,
And you just walking away,
Life caught up with you,
You stand so tall and mighty,
Yet inside you’re slowly dying,
The pain is unreal,
No one seems to care,
I’m supposed to act fine and **** it up,
But that is not fair,
I wanna be able to grieve,
I didn't just lose my boyfriend,
I lost my best friend,
People think I'm dramatic,
Why is it dramatic to be heartbroken,
I still hurt to this day,
My heart constantly throbs,
Tears stream from my eyes,
As I try not to cry.
Mar 2015 · 345
What's Next
Nickoli Mar 2015
He signs into the Navy proudly and fair,
and walks around without a care,
Unsure of what to do,
she stops and stares,
its his future she has to remember,
if lucky he’ll be back by December,
Maybe by then he’ll have things figured out,
but for now I just sit like a stout,
be quiet and let nothing out,
Soon he’ll return and things will be ok,
Or he will come back and go away,
For him life is like a race,
And I’m just trying to go my own pace,
if when he comes back will we be alright,
or will every night end in a frantic fight,
will people see us for who we are,
maybe they'll just see the nasty scars,
Will he see how strong my love is when apart,
or will I leave with a broken heart,
Will he love me when he comes back,
or will I need to get my stuff and pack.
Feb 2015 · 713
Who Are You?
Nickoli Feb 2015
The future, such a hard thing to grasp. The reality of it is we all grow up, now how we handle that well thats a completely different story. My life has consisted of pleasing others, hiding my emotions and putting on a fake smile. In the end what about my wants, needs and desires? This world is an overpopulated planet, people killing and hurting the ones they love. Now how we choose to let the past affect us is up to us, irrelevant you say? Lets take it into some perspective. A man was walking down the street all of the sudden people are shooting he gets shot, he’s dead! Now what? How would you handle it? Grief, drugs, ***, alcohol or addictions, in the end you land in one of these places. You have drugs so you can feel alive for a few quick minutes, the alcohol takes away the pain or *** to fill that empty place in your heart.  What about an addiction that can so fastly consume your life, forget about friends and family because wants you are hooked on that source of enjoyment and pleasure, the people that mean the most to you, you leave behind. It’s all just a matter of how you let it shape you. What does this have to do with the future you say? Everything, if you let your past define you, you wont have a future that you are in control of. Sometimes it’s a little more difficult to forget the past then you think, for me my past has been a traitorous obstacle course that I barely made it through abuse, family divorce, loss of loved ones as a child I had to adjust I didn't get a choice. I try to forget but its something that will have always happened, someone took pieces of me that I can’t get back, now move past that’s another story. The past drags me down Satan does everything in his power to make sure that right when I’m standing tall, proud and confident that it’s the perfect time to knock me down. Painful memories and the voices telling you as a child you deserved it, you're worthless, you're just a stupid kid and the worst one of all “your future is mine” the thought of it my future decaying right in front of my eyes. Trying to hold on and grasp what little hope I have left is unbearable, the yelling the memories, the flashbacks reminding me that the past is in control, not me. How you forget, simple you can't. The scars and tears you cried through all the pain, long nights and dark days. Feeling helpless, “its time to give up” you tell yourself. Your heart is breaking as all you feel is his cold breath on your neck. Alone and scared you try to be positive, all he does is remind you of what's happened, the unendurable pain. Beatings and ****** abuse aren't enough for him, he takes it one step farther and hurts the ones you love.  Then you remember the people who have held you up, gave you confidence don't forget the people have been there with you through it all. Looking death into the eyes you fight back and give all you have. Fighting back with every ounce of being left in your body, you pick yourself up with what's left your broken heart, pain, tears and scars and you stand tall. Brush off the pain wipe off the tears and show your scars proud, because you're stronger than you think. The people who have hurt me in the past are exactly what I said, the past.  Who are you, are you the scars and tears of before or are you the strong person you’ve become through it all. The future is a scary thing, teenagers trying so desperately to figure out who they are. Slowly you realize that even if you’ve been shot down and shattered you can still recover. I look at teens confused, stressed having mental breakdowns because all they're focused on is their future. My future is blurry I don't know what I want, this world has pulled me so many different ways. An unclear future scares me these past couple years have been difficult, transitioning into the real world. Its been emotionally, mentally and physically painful and exhausting trying to figure myself out through all the struggles. No more dolls and barbies, reality has slapped me in the face and practically knocked me down. All I ever hear is what do you wanna do when you grow up? Are you going to college? What are your plans? Fear stares me down, terrified and unsure of what my future holds.  There are so many things I have to do growing up I have to make my parents proud, be successful, work on recovering and be confident in who I am, and most of all be happy. Growing up lately has just put me in this funk, I try so hard to get out of it and something always pulls me in whether its my dad or distant memories and dont forget those people who are supposed to build you up yet all they can seem to do is tear you down. You experiment with *** and drugs just trying to find what you want, that’s not enough go all the way. The first injection, you're hooked over and over soon it becomes how you cope, *** rattles your brain, the enjoyment and pleasure covering up the scars and holding back your tears, knowing that this isn't what you want your future to become. As you get older you think maybe *** will be ok still recovering from the **** before, pulling away unsurely you hide in your emotions and stay quiet. Emotions run high as your falling in love, broken, hurting, stressed every possible emotion you could even think about is pouring into your hormonal body at once. Your hearts racing, unsure what to do next you panic, tears and crushed dreams. But don’t forget the future is up to you, no one else, if you chose to let your scars, tears and pain from the past define you your bound to have a miserable life. Let the future have control smile, love, care and live because this is your time to be free. Find love I know I have, and that’s where I found my hope. My inspiration is in the people around me, happiness in myself and confidence in myself. I dont know who I am yet, but I can tell you one thing for sure my past won't have a place in it!
Feb 2015 · 772
Nickoli Feb 2015
. One scar from someone who was supposed to be the one to hold me up through my life. No instead she abandoned me, left me like some trash on the side of a road.

All though I can't blame her I mean she would have to look at me the rest of her life, I’m a daily reminder of what happened to her and she hates me for that.

I cant help it though, but you know what aren't your parents suppose to love you unconditionally?

Scar number two…. Oh and don’t forget about being ***** by someone you trusted with your life, the person you are suppose to go to in times of need.

You're expected to **** it up and continue on in life as if nothing ever happened. Why is that? Society society society its always labeled people as this or that.

If you were beat up then its your fault you ****** someone off, being bullied….

My personal favorite being ***** is your fault “what were you wearing”, “were you asking for it”, “what were you doing”???????

I mean since you were wearing shorts you wanted it to happen. No, the word means no how about people listen to what the girls saying not what shes wearing.

Shorts or a dress doesn't give you automatic permission to do whatever you want, if her mouth is saying no then the answer is no.

You can't just buy peoples love, trafficking makes me sick those are people nobodys property.

This is an overpopulated planet, selfish people killing and hurting one another. How do you cope with it?
Feb 2015 · 248
How you see me
Nickoli Feb 2015
How you see me happy and proud, but inside hurting and nervous

How you see me independent and positive, but inside a wreck and scared

How you see me tough and energetic, but inside fragile and exhausted

How you see me open and trusting, but inside walls are built and guarded

How you see me loving and hopeful, but inside afraid to love and hopeless

How you see me confident and relaxed, but inside shy and stressed

— The End —