Some people are so dehydrated.
They crave codependency to fulfill them.
Be thankful you can stand on your own two feet unaided.

Know if you grow wings in time,
You'll have a stable place to fly from.
I don't know how to explain to others. It's incredible,
To never be wavered.

*©NDHK

I've realized
No one can move
Like you can,
When you dance
Oh, so close
Behind me.

*©NDHK

Some people
just don't have the strength
to realize that those wounded parts
inside you are also
what contribute to who you are.
Like a mossaic
we are all made of tiny pieces
of unique traits that make us.
For some of us
it would be wonderful to just truly be okay
and not struggle with depression of some sort.
But that struggle
is what helps us see hidden beauty
in those moments of serenity
that most would bypass.
It helps us to be grateful
of good days and
sparse moments of a calm mind
that are taken for granted.
The dark inside us
also let's us shine the brightest when we can.
If someone is unable to cope
with all the sensitive parts of you,
light and dark,
it's their loss out of knowing someone amazing.
Every bit of you is worth acceptance.


*©NDHK

When the intense fire
That sparks around inside
Can stir our spirit
To ignite everything it touches...
We call that passion.
When another flame
Can dance in step,
Fueling us
And expanding our heat...
We call that love.


*©NDHK

Thanks for putting the spoon back
When you were done,
Even though,
You forgot to mention

There's no more sugar left.....


*© NDHK

While I've prepared for this day,
I find I am not an island.
I too, need strength,
In the form of loving support
From friends and family to help me stay strong.
So thank you...
To family for being there.
To my friends for being there.
I do see the people around me,
Who've given me that awareness
That I'm not alone in this,
In life.
I thank you immensely and
I deeply love each one of you for it.

*©NDHK

You attract...
Silly little girl giggles with admiration and the "oh you're so funnies".
I can't be a silly whip of half meaning amusement.
I'm not that girl.
I can't be...

You don't want admiration.
No, you do want it but you don't need it.
You need someone who will look at you when she laughs and means it.
You need someone who's going to sit down across from you on some chaotic night,
A night where nothing about the day made sense
And you're still swirling in a fog of your own perspective.
That's when you'll need this woman.

A conversation that clambers up slow,
Like steadying yourself after a carnival ride.
You'll trigger a vulnerable ***** by a wayward comment.
That's when it will happen.
Blindsided be ruthless honesty.
A sharp cut through the bravado *******...

She'll take that loop and jump in head first,
Feet landing solid on your insecurities.
One by one all of the hidden thoughts about yourself will come to life.
Every one of your self loathing fears and regretted actions.
All the ever present flaws you hold in your hands will be taken and laid out...

One uncomfortable, excruciating reminder at a time.
Every quirk you hate,
Every past stumble into a wall,
Every stitch in the side of your pride will be brought to light.

Presented back to you through new eyes.
Picking and dissecting and analyzing,
Whatever it was or is,
That makes the ground you walk upon gravel filled.
All your shame and remorse could be embellished;
Projector like against the writing on the walls.
Things you wish to hide or fix would be emblazoned like a gaudy pin on your shirt.

Your inner mind dwellings, torn down to petty pieces at your feet.
All of this would be blown back into the mask you try to wear that's a size to big.
Once the pulling and scrapping of every bit of shadow feelings and impressions you have been harboring deep inside are collected...
Covering the table,
Strewn in no particular order.

This woman will pick it all up in a sweeping display.
Fluttering around in waves of bouncy escape.
She'll gather every last part and fold her hands.
Then slide them into her pockets that have remained unfilled on purpose.
That's where, the last however many hours, will stay.
Budded up tight and inside somewhere safe for you .

You'll look at the empty table.
Maybe with uplifted eyes.
You'll look back at the cause of this character dismembering.
And see that her eyes have never wavered.

I hope when you get that moment...
That moment that you can just sense is a profound thing.
I hope you feel real acceptance,
Real faith,
Real love.



*© NDHK

If we were sea creatures
In a restaurant tank.
You would be the one
I'd save from the dinner menu.

Because you're my lobster.

*©NDHK

Sitting around and doing nothing is so exhausting sometimes.
Lacking inspiration to feel like you're actually "living" life.
Never enough, never enough.
That's what your mind tells you.
You run in circles, same thing every day.
It's often frustrating to feel like a impending explosion inside.
Just wanting to get out of this chapter and move to the next.
Misunderstood...
Is this the bad part of being alone?


*©NDHK

She sits across from me sipping and slurping her fat free french vanilla.
While I'm pacing myself with cappuccino imitation.

"All I'm saying is, that if he starts calling me baby, I might wanna keep him!"

She says it with that cajoling tone.
But I can notice the glimmer in her eyes that tells me she longs for that.
That sweet pet name that would mean she's special to him, in her mind...

I never could get comfortable around those things...pet names.
Cutesy little endearments reserved for a child's affection.

What is wrong with me?

She's vibrating with unmasked giddiness, glancing at her phone.
They've been dating for only months but she is lost in him.

Him.
With his once a week date nights
and clean shaven face
and joking interaction with her friends.  

She's full of soft embrace and warm affection and vulnerable interest.
Wanting never looked so form fitting on a person.
Like a cup waiting for a refill...

"If you want, I could see if his friend is up for dinner next week? You know it's been months for you..."

I hope she doesn't choke on her millionth slurp with the glare of indignation leveled at her cherub-like face.

"Ah thanks, but no thanks." races out of my mouth before I even hesitate to pretend to consider her obvious proposal.

How is it that easy to just offer companionship like that? Do I give off a "desperate for love" vibe?
And what the hell makes her think I can't find someone on my own **** time?

"Okay, okay. It's just...I hate seeing you alone. Don't you want to not be alone anymore?"

I know she loves me but those kind of questions from her caring heart, make me contemplate knocking her in the head.

My alone-ness she says.
My singular existence.

I'd laugh at her if I didn't know it would hurt her feelings.
To disregard her feeble attempts at pairing me up with whatever half-assed man candy she could sway my way.

I'm staring at the ring left from my coffee,
wondering if I should just give in this one time for her,
for me,
for the over used batteries at home.

"I'm not lonely you know. I just, haven't felt that connection yet."

Looking pitifully back at me she wonders aloud, "You're always waiting on that connection but have you ever felt it before? I mean, how do you know it's even real, that body, mind, spirit...magnet pull you believe so fiercely?"

It's the first time I've given her a genuine smile today as I tell her yes I have felt it before.
Briefly...
Bitter sweetly...

I just never got his last name.

It might have been years ago but I can still recall with clarity that electric tornado that seemed to have surrounded us.

We had only been gifted ten hours together but it left a mark on me for over fourteen years.
His face is definitely matured I imagine and his body shaped differently.
But I'll never mistake those sea green eyes, haloed by dusty blue cloud rings.  

The only boy who has ever made me want to get lost and never be found.

"Well...good luck with that. But until mystery man crashes back into your life, for god's sake live a little huh!"

She means well I'm sure but like an eager pup I just tsk at her goofily plastered expression and finish off the grainy remains of my only afternoon delight. She's in a hurry to make her "honey bunny" a homemade dinner anyway so it's not hard to cut things short on our weekly coffee shop vent session.

She's floating out the door before I even get my coat above my elbows but I can't feel offended.
Mulling over the uncomfortable idea of boring interaction with another stranger I decide to grab one more drink for the ride home.

Alone.

Oh, wonderful...now she's planted that seed.

Shaking it off, I order my vice and move benignly to wait and resolve to not think about anything related to that anymore either.

"Seems outrageous they charge so much for imitation don't you think?"

The question's asked to me but I pretend I can't hear it. A guy hitting on me today is not what I want to deal with.

And he seems to be standing right behind me
making goosebumps scatter across my neck.

He tries again, "So I guess you like buying bottom of the barrel cappuccino?"

This time I've gotten a little itchy from his voice and want him to just stop in his tracks.
So I turn to tell him where, in fact, he can go...

But I'm the one stopped short and a bit flabbergasted.

No way do things happen to me like this.

Those coincidental, lucky, fated things...

I almost wish I was a liar right now with the things I just spilled to my loyally, encouraging friend.
Because there is no way the universe would be this cruel.

Finally I exhale and word *****,

"They're the only place that taste just like the ones at my grandmas' house every summer when I was a girl. I waited a long time to find that connection again, even if it is just coffee..."

The smirking face and broad shoulders that greet me aren't the cause of my temporary delirium.
Not even the wild hair and black rimmed glasses.

It's the sea green, haloed dusty blue eyes centering all the rest that shallow my breaths

Of all the places.....

Like a falling satin sheet his face morphs into a query riddled expression.

I hear the barista call out a name and he reluctantly steps away, never taking his eyes off mine whispering,

"I'll...be right back. Don't move...please?"

I'm nodding like an awkward parrot and he turns to grab his imitation coffee.
The same kind I'm waiting on.
And I start smiling after a second.

Not because of the similar drink order, which could be anyone...

But because of something I haven't known until this moment for over fourteen years.
All thanks to fate, or destiny...
Or perhaps the oblivious barista.

His last name...


*© NDHK

Maybe we have been approaching LOVE backwards.
That what we want is really to be LIKED.
When I enter a relationship with someone
I still want to be able to say I like them.
Like who they are as a whole.
One year from now, ten years from now.
We lead with LOVE in everything we do in life.
It's what we already do but sometimes don't realize.
Putting yourself in someone elses shoes,
It's practicing empathy eveytime you do it.
Showing respect and acceptance for fellow humans.
We are loving beings incarnate.
Now, LIKING a person is something special.
It's a choice to be active in your own life.
Having a chance to build that trust with them.
You can LOVE someone without liking them.
Family, old friends, ex partners.
I think it's when you mix the LOVE and the LIKE,
That's worth something to hold onto.
At least that's what makes sense to me.
Projecting LOVE is effortless and selfless.
Giving it away without reciprocation.
To LIKE a person, I think that's what we're wanting.
That's where you would like something back.
To know the unique You is what's being appreciated.
That's when you require balance.
To know you're LOVED is a wonderful feeling.
At the end of the day though,
I think knowing that person just plain LIKES you...
Is pretty sweet.


*©NDHK

You said I look at you different now,
Something in my eyes...
I don't think I do.
I don't feel strange
Or out of my norm.

I enjoyed you.
The long talks we shared,
The unexpected laughter we found there,
The pull.
The comfortable embraces that overtook us,
Into the middle of the night...

Though...
As days passed on,
And months grew.
I realized what you said was true.
And I had been looking at you.
Not just stopping there but,
I had been feeling too.

That isn't something that I do.
Feel...
Animated...come to life like.
Looking forward and looking new.
Growing out from myself.

But that is exactly what I was doing.
All while looking at you.
While you said I was amazing and inspiring.
You seemed to think as I did.
For those were thing I would describe in you.

So I have to wonder.
For how long has this been stirring in me.
And why do I just recognize it now?
And maybe...
Just maybe,
You have been looking at me too.....



*© NDHK

You call this love.
Here...
Because it ain't lust

It's not passion either.
There...
Absolutely no trust

It's just you and me
Falling...
Down it seems

Elsewhere.



*© NDHK

Listen,
If you're not going to say those things  
to me anymore.
If you're going to distance
yourself from me.
If you're going to spend the days pretending you don't think of me.
Then please I beg of you,
For my sake,
Try to stop looking at me the way you do.
Even though
It's the last thing I hope you do.
Mercy me.


*© NDHK

To be a daisy maiden
with fragile fingers in my hair,
Is not who I came to be,
though strength lived inside this vessel fair.

So burdened I was, with thoughts of
clever rapport and satire deeds.
Catching the intense beauty all around
not just looking within me.

I walked barefoot on muddy journeys,
collecting trinkets too precious and plain.
Graceless bellows of happy words shouted out
never caring for judgements name.

So when I came across a devilish looking man,
a humble heart in disguise.
I surely followed that tether
feeling my solitude world's final demise.
.
What I saw was a bit frightening, slightly...
only because of his eyes.
They were not uncommon but still unique,
something behind them I recognized.

They held secrets and wonder,
twisty worlds and something familiar.
Showed me tales and revealed quiet emotions.
I swear they were something of a mirror.

So when he disappeared from my sight
but called to me with his lingering light.
Laid out subtlety but inviting none the less.
I started after, caring not for the rips of my traveling dress.

Climbing up toward his castle of
vibrant colors and crests.
Venturing inside to find where the human delight
my sticky heart believed had come to rest.

Finding him sitting front row waiting docile in a chair,
I proceeded ahead with a confident flare.
Unbeknownst at first while focusing on the one
I was chasing.
There was an obstacle in waiting like a beast's heavy pacing.

Past lives and insecurity followed this creature about.
Like wasps hunting a victim waiting to make them shout.
A mask of confusion clouded this face simmering with doubt.
Trying to reach toward me, to let go and get out.

He said there was hope in his heart
but demons he still had to conquer.
He was so lonely and wanting to love
but feared he was too tired.

I responded that
if it's your evils that chase you
down to the pyre.
Well, I guess we are meant to be,
for I am a dragon slayer
And I too, breathe fire.


*©NDHK

Maybe someday in a different life,
With a different smile
You would love me.

It's not much now,
My spirit...
But maybe you could just brighten it up
A little more.
At least let it see that it has a time and
A place.  
Where it can be.

That could be our rhythm for now.
Just until I'm me,
Really... me.
Until I know who that is indefinitely.
I would really like that.
It's comforting to think about you,
Maybe
One day thinking of me too.

If only huh?

I'm not good now, soon though.
I will be.
Good enough for me.
You might see.

Tag along and see how much
In love we could be.
I adore you for existing.
I just have to say it.
Maybe you will too, for more or less.
That would be nice.

You're out there.
I'm here.
Maybe somewhere,
Someday
Ending up with one another.
Together.

Maybe, that could be us.


*© NDHK

It was a dusty moonlight fall
when I walked into your room.
I had this urging inside that made it impossible to sleep.
Talking to you in whispered laze about trivial things that were always on our minds soothed me.
So I decided calm my stormy mind with placating conversation.

Sickness had been shaking up your serenity lately but it was nothing you couldn't tolerate, you always said.
The air in waking life had been feeling coppery.
You were already awake as I stepped through the door and directly to the window.
Let the breeze join us.
I sat down easy on the side of the bed and huffed.
Indicating the verbal sieve was full.

You broke the waiting with a quote by a Greek poet that I remember you referring to more than once over the years.
Rolling my eyes at the familiarity, I just nodded in understanding.
So then I let out the worries.
I haven't felt the need to get so deep in a while.
It felt comforting to share my darkest bothers with you.
You, always knowing how to put me in perspective.
Finding the brakes to my crazy train.

When I'd lightened up some you told me innocuous counter thoughts.
Like always.
Smiling and giggling at the inevitable jokes that followed eased things.
My heart brimming with warmth, I wished to have the ambiance captured in a jar to take with me into the light of day.
Maybe to wash away the constant taste of pennies.

I chose to conclude our banter with a confession.
One that I knew I'd be teased relentlessly for but with empathy no doubt.
I told you of a person.
One who swept into my life.
Swept me up.
And you snorted at that.
I would've gotten offended if not for your encouraging smile that was plastered on your face.

I guess that was the moment you thought was perfect to give me the ultimate ego boost.
Life lesson or what have you.
Linking our pinkies you said to shut up and listen to what you were going to say.
Don't interrupt with sarcasm, you warned faux sternly.

You said,
"I love you silly girl.
If you believe anything in your life.
Out of the books your read, the music you hear, the people you talk to, remember this above everything.
You deserve love.
You deserve to work hard and struggle.
Having a piece of the world in your palms is your right by being human.
All of your flaws behind that guiless face deserve notice and acceptance.
You are a divine piece of perfect creation in Gods eyes.
You deserve love.
And you deserve to give that love to whomever needs it.
When it comes down to it, all that's left is what the heart has squeezed out over its lifetime.
That's what is born and remains.
You deserve love."

Squeezing the finger that linked us, signified your wisdom was finished.
Shaking out the hair in my eyes had camouflaged the tears that snuck up.
I had to think up something to say that wouldn't give away how much that rattled me with something soothing.

I lifted my head, fighting back my self conscious need for a quip, to tell you I believed you.
I did believe you in that moment.
Because you knew me better than anyone.
I believed you.

Looking from the window where a few leaves fell in from the breeze I opened my mouth and took a breath.
I stopped short.
You weren't looking at me.
You were before though.
But not now.

Then I just knew.
I shook our fingers to be sure.
But my guts knew.
I didn't even get to tell you I believed you.
Or that I loved you.
My chest ached with a swirl of emotions that ricocheted around the small cavity.

I didn't realize until much later that you left me something.
Hope.




*©NDHK

I want to wrap you,
tissue paper,
and throw you
in the sky.

Watch you fly

Never have I
believed
in anyone
as I believe in you.

Because you believe in me

This gypsy heart
is not
a fickle lover
of you.

So vulnerable

Be my bright sky
and
I'll be
your guiding moon.


*© NDHK

I got caught in a daze, within my daze.
Lost in my thoughts, minding my own, I was bombarded.
The sight of you in my zoned out vision line.
The pressed gray shirt you were wearing was untucked.
Your shoe had come untied.
You cleared your throat obnoxiously, on purpose.  
And I think a piece of your hair was sticking straight up in the back.
But all I could focus on was the chain hanging down your chest.



*©NDHK

I can only remember this part...

Maybe a lucid dream hope I've gone to bed with every night.
Perhaps a sleeping memory.

You...
Running your fingers a hairs breadth away from my skin.

Traveling carefully...
From my forehead down to my tinted cheek,
Moving the curls that had been in the way as we talked.

You gently pulled back your hand,
As if, not to offend me by its retreat to your pocket.

You murmured an apology to yourself and I could only muster half a laugh...

Partly because of the endearing gesture,
Also... the surprise of your touch.

You spoke up louder after a second, all the while staring at me with a misplaced bewilderment in your eyes.

"That's what scares me about you" is what finally materialized through the cold fogged breathes our impromptu conversation inspired.

And..

I didn't know if you meant the idea of it,
Or the realization of the fall.



*©NDHK

Since the last time you touched me...
All I want is to feel your hands on my skin.
On my face and through my hair.
Feeling your body heat up against mine.
Taste barely contained anticipation on your breath.
Smell the comfort that you emanate.
Drinking the passion from your lips.

I want you...
Anchoring me down,
Vulnerability plunging into my eyes.
Stealing the air from me.
Swallowing the noises you incite.
Tangling feet and twisted fingers.
Embracing and submerging in honey junction.

Just the sound of your tenor,
Erupts a burn that speeds throughout my veins.
Heart stuttering and dizzy and trembling,
All from the presence of you.
Wanting to lose myself with you.
Forget all reason...but then what is reason?


Since the last time you touched me...
I long for the next.


*© NDHK

Beautiful, lighted creature.
How could any,
Anyone with a heart beating of their own...
Not see the encompassing brilliance of you soul.
Fervent heart.
Fragile being.

Who would ever want to toss you away?



*©NDHK

You're a song in my head
I hum every night before I sleep.
I want to play you on my acoustic
But I'm missing a chord,
Or a transition.
I need to put words to you,
So I can whisper-sing the lyrics
Under my breath when I daydream.
You resonate around my cerebral walls,
Clear and deep andante when I remember being in your hands.
Sometimes barely encapsulated four-four time
When I think of us drifting around each other.
And your agape eyes are the bridge
Crescendo..
Crescendo.....
Crescendo........


*© NDHK

I'd like to have tea with you
Every morning
Until you look like your grandfather



*©NDHK