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10.4k · Sep 2012
Coffee and Conversation
Nik Krutilla Sep 2012
She sits across from me sipping and slurping her fat free french vanilla.
While I'm pacing myself with cappuccino imitation.

"All I'm saying is, that if he starts calling me baby, I might wanna keep him!"

She says it with that cajoling tone.
But I can notice the glimmer in her eyes that tells me she longs for that.
That sweet pet name that would mean she's special to him, in her mind...

I never could get comfortable around those things...pet names.
Cutesy little endearments reserved for a child's affection.

What is wrong with me?

She's vibrating with unmasked giddiness, glancing at her phone.
They've been dating for only months but she is lost in him.

Him.
With his once a week date nights
and clean shaven face
and joking interaction with her friends.  

She's full of soft embrace and warm affection and vulnerable interest.
Wanting never looked so form fitting on a person.
Like a cup waiting for a refill...

"If you want, I could see if his friend is up for dinner next week? You know it's been months for you..."

I hope she doesn't choke on her millionth slurp with the glare of indignation leveled at her cherub-like face.

"Ah thanks, but no thanks." races out of my mouth before I even hesitate to pretend to consider her obvious proposal.

How is it that easy to just offer companionship like that? Do I give off a "desperate for love" vibe?
And what the hell makes her think I can't find someone on my own **** time?


"Okay, okay. It's just...I hate seeing you alone. Don't you want to not be alone anymore?"

I know she loves me but those kind of questions from her caring heart, make me contemplate knocking her in the head.

My alone-ness she says.
My singular existence.

I'd laugh at her if I didn't know it would hurt her feelings.
To disregard her feeble attempts at pairing me up with whatever half-assed man candy she could sway my way.

I'm staring at the ring left from my coffee,
wondering if I should just give in this one time for her,
for me,
for the over used batteries at home.

"I'm not lonely you know. I just, haven't felt that connection yet."

Looking pitifully back at me she wonders aloud, "You're always waiting on that connection but have you ever felt it before? I mean, how do you know it's even real, that body, mind, spirit...magnet pull you believe so fiercely?"

It's the first time I've given her a genuine smile today as I tell her yes I have felt it before.
Briefly...
Bitter sweetly...

I just never got his last name.

It might have been years ago but I can still recall with clarity that electric tornado that seemed to have surrounded us.

We had only been gifted ten hours together but it left a mark on me for over fourteen years.
His face is definitely matured I imagine and his body shaped differently.
But I'll never mistake those sea green eyes, haloed by dusty blue cloud rings.  

The only boy who has ever made me want to get lost and never be found.

"Well...good luck with that. But until mystery man crashes back into your life, for god's sake live a little huh!"

She means well I'm sure but like an eager pup I just tsk at her goofily plastered expression and finish off the grainy remains of my only afternoon delight. She's in a hurry to make her "honey bunny" a homemade dinner anyway so it's not hard to cut things short on our weekly coffee shop vent session.

She's floating out the door before I even get my coat above my elbows but I can't feel offended.
Mulling over the uncomfortable idea of boring interaction with another stranger I decide to grab one more drink for the ride home.

Alone.

Oh, wonderful...now she's planted that seed.

Shaking it off, I order my vice and move benignly to wait and resolve to not think about anything related to that anymore either.

"Seems outrageous they charge so much for imitation don't you think?"

The question's asked to me but I pretend I can't hear it. A guy hitting on me today is not what I want to deal with.

And he seems to be standing right behind me
making goosebumps scatter across my neck.

He tries again, "So I guess you like buying bottom of the barrel cappuccino?"

This time I've gotten a little itchy from his voice and want him to just stop in his tracks.
So I turn to tell him where, in fact, he can go...

But I'm the one stopped short and a bit flabbergasted.

No way do things happen to me like this.

Those coincidental, lucky, fated things...

I almost wish I was a liar right now with the things I just spilled to my loyally, encouraging friend.
Because there is no way the universe would be this cruel.

Finally I exhale and word *****,

"They're the only place that taste just like the ones at my grandmas' house every summer when I was a girl. I waited a long time to find that connection again, even if it is just coffee..."

The smirking face and broad shoulders that greet me aren't the cause of my temporary delirium.
Not even the wild hair and black rimmed glasses.

It's the sea green, haloed dusty blue eyes centering all the rest that shallow my breaths

Of all the places.....

Like a falling satin sheet his face morphs into a query riddled expression.

I hear the barista call out a name and he reluctantly steps away, never taking his eyes off mine whispering,

"I'll...be right back. Don't move...please?"

I'm nodding like an awkward parrot and he turns to grab his imitation coffee.
The same kind I'm waiting on.
And I start smiling after a second.

Not because of the similar drink order, which could be anyone...

But because of something I haven't known until this moment for over fourteen years.
All thanks to fate, or destiny...
Or perhaps the oblivious barista.

His last name...


*© NDHK
7.4k · Sep 2012
Fence Walking
Nik Krutilla Sep 2012
Since the last time you touched me...
All I want is to feel your hands on my skin.
On my face and through my hair.
Feeling your body heat up against mine.
Taste barely contained anticipation on your breath.
Smell the comfort that you emanate.
Drinking the passion from your lips.

I want you...
Anchoring me down,
Vulnerability plunging into my eyes.
Stealing the air from me.
Swallowing the noises you incite.
Tangling feet and twisted fingers.
Embracing and submerging in honey junction.

Just the sound of your tenor,
Erupts a burn that speeds throughout my veins.
Heart stuttering and dizzy and trembling,
All from the presence of you.
Wanting to lose myself with you.
Forget all reason...but then what is reason?


Since the last time you touched me...
I long for the next.


*© NDHK
4.5k · Oct 2012
Little Voices
Nik Krutilla Oct 2012
I had this thought when I was younger,
That I had to know who I was and who I wanted to be,
By a certain time in my life.
That, when a stranger asked me to tell them about myself
I should have a designated answer in the form of linguistic description.
Full disclosure of self.
I'd listed in my mind hobbies, character traits, intellectual preferences.
All things that, when put together,
Would produce a vision of who I was as a person.
I was a complete profile from top to bottom.
Inside and through.
Adding to and refining back qualities of what made me as I went along.
Fine tuning the presentation of me to society.

I thought I had it down.
Picked through with a fine tooth comb.
No boring aspect refurbished, no overbearing flaw unchecked.

Then one day
I was in a place that housed people milling around,
Same as any other day.
And as I sat next to a fountain feeding some birds,
Like I was prone to do on the pleasant weathered days.

A little boy came up an sat down next to me.
I didn't think anything of it and just smiled at him.
He lingered beside me for a few minutes.
And I noticed he seemed to be staring at me
With a quizzical look on his sun bright face.
I continued to dole out pieces of my left over lunch
And he giggled just a slight.
Now I was curious to know why this little guy
With anything at all to do other than sit next to me,
Was laughing.

I finally turned toward him intent on asking what was so funny,
When he stated before I could utter a word

"You're the nicest lady I ever saw"

I was initially a little gobsmacked as to the bold declaration.
It made me snort a bit.
Shaking my head, I pondered to him

"What would make you say that?"

He innocently replied with a grin that...

"You feed the birdies and they don't even say thank you. That makes one a really nice lady! "

Well color me stupefied there.
This little boy, in his little statement, awed me.
He didn't know me or who I was or where I've come from
And in just that one action he witnessed of me
Feeding those little flying creatures,
He determined me a nice person.

And it swelled me more intensely than any praise over an achievement,
Any congratulations of a job well done,
Any compliment of artistic ability.

And as he got up to run off to wherever he came from,
I sat there contemplating...

Of all the things I thought of myself up until this point,
Just being myself with no preconceived notion or projection,
I felt more transparent in that little boys observance,
Than anything else in my whole life.
That led me to wonder why in the world I had bothered
To ever worry about and plan around who I wanted people to see me as.
I began thinking all of my preparing and analyzing,
All of the forethought I put into me as a person.
Kind of went out the window.

Because if a complete stranger could see through me so easily,
With just a mindless action like that,
Then what did people really see beyond my presentation,
Of me?
Not that who I projected myself to be was false, just honed
To show the best parts of me always.
But then, what are the best parts of me which other people rarely see?
Maybe the things about myself I thought of as "works in progress"
Were already fully bloomed and beautiful already.
Maybe I was just so conditioned to think they weren't?

So as I laid on my couch later that night
And aimlessly thought of the events of the day,
I made a plan to have no more plans.
To keep my list of everything about me I had written over the years,
But put it somewhere only to serve as a reminder to me.
I'd try, from here on out, to just be me
Freely.

The only regret I had of that encounter though,
Was that I didn't get to tell that little mind changer

Thank you...


*© NDHK
3.9k · Oct 2012
Timer
Nik Krutilla Oct 2012
Creating
that fallacious intimacy
wrapped
arm around arm
with a nameless
body.
It's easy to get
temporary satisfaction
from it.

Even though
you're chilled
and hollow inside.

The want
of not being lonely
can be too strong.
Keeping up
the exhausting task
of costant contact.
Never really
developing
a bond deeper
than physical sedation
can tire out.

It will ash away
as soon as you move
an inch
in that position
which is holding
unstably present.
Distance
would be the ruiner
of that
shallow fantasy.

But...
to be hundreds
of miles and moments
away from someone.
To be
alone and removed
from the one
who you have
a real, unrelenting
connection with.
To know
you are singular
in that very moment
but not unsupported.

Having them
somewhere you're not,
holding onto your
spiritual thread.
To achieve real
intimate foundation
in knowing the body
doesn't have to tie you
together.
That's an ember that,
when set to breathe,
engulfs you both.

Understanding
and feeling comfort
that when surrounded
by faces
and being unknown to them
is alright.
Since
that person
who lingers in your mind
Is a whisper
off your lips
and is there
in that place you
left them.

They've penetrated inside
that fortress of caution
and self-preservation and
they get you.
They are there,
hidden
and carried with you.
With their hands
cradling and cherishing
your heart
like the treasure
it is.

The enormous responsibility.

To be
the keeper of
warmth and familiarity
and home.
Even though
being separated
from one another
you are reminded of what
exists between you.

By
concentrating and honing
in on the weight
which lives
there.
That love
and loyalty
and equal respected commitment
to take care of what
the other is given.
The total
vulnerable
surrender of
yourself.

That is something
worth wanting.
That is something
to daydream for.
That...
is what we all
crave.


*© NDHK
2.8k · Sep 2012
Loney Ponies
Nik Krutilla Sep 2012
Mommy...
do you want to play
ponies with me?

Just for a little bit,
maybe,
or all night?

Maybe,
until I get sleepy
then rub my face?

Just until I want you
running fingers
through my hair instead?

I do like when we snuggle,
but maybe,
we can bring my ponies?

Cause they get lonely
sometimes,
like you do.


*© NDHK
2.4k · Sep 2012
Moving Feathers
Nik Krutilla Sep 2012
Moving again.
Packing and suffocating
just to hoard awhile.
Unleash and prop in the next chapter.
How many more times
will I have to revolve around the clock timer?

Displace my comfort.
Stir up and riffle my stability
just to watch for the final sunset.
Until the explanations to my pebble have to dust
out of my mouth again.

A gypsy life not for three.
So hard to handle for anyone but me.
Practice, practice, reset and stay.
It's a cycle I'm tired of.

Grown accustomed to delay and anxiety.
Longing for roots and more tomorrows.
Fly me away with wings of fire.

To disintegrate left behind memory
that's tying up my feet.
To ignite a blazed landing...

To grow from,
to be content on.

A place to be when my pebble wants to fly.


*© NDHK
2.0k · Sep 2012
Evoke Me
Nik Krutilla Sep 2012
I want to wrap you,
tissue paper,
and throw you
in the sky.

Watch you fly

Never have I
believed
in anyone
as I believe in you.

Because you believe in me

This gypsy heart
is not
a fickle lover
of you.

So vulnerable

Be my bright sky
and
I'll be
your guiding moon.


*© NDHK
1.7k · Sep 2012
Cheer Up Rick
Nik Krutilla Sep 2012
The trick here is to remember
Just as wonderful things
Can turn ugly,
Great and wonderful things
Can grow from bad foundations.

There is a balance to life
It might not be in our favor
Most of the time
But remember these things

Amazing sunrises we see,
First breaths when we wake,
Delicious foods we taste,
Beautiful music we hear....

It's sad for those who don't get to have that anymore.
We look back in 2, 5, 10 years
See how far,
How much we've grown
and changed
Survived in our life...

This one chance existence
This complex and sacred state of being alive...

I don't know...

It's incredible that we'll never be who we were
5 minutes ago,
Let alone 5 yrs ago
The people we are in our present moments
Have a chance,
a future,
To change everything
With a single breath...


*© NDHK
1.7k · Sep 2012
Almost 24 Hours
Nik Krutilla Sep 2012
What is happening right now...

You say I feel like native petals
of somewhere you've never been.
Soft and mysterious,
exotic and raw.
Bewitching you to absorb the aura.
My web in which you spin.

I say you feel like steel
surrounded by marsh in deep bayous.
Strong and intriguing,
arcane and fierce.
Luring me to immerse in your essence.
Your web in which I spin.

Backwards it seems we have tumbled into each other...

Bodies knowing
new flesh.
Minds welcoming
familiar allies.
Spirits embracing
old friends.

Connecting erupts
a verbal rampage.
Words spilling on top of one another.
Passing sentences half formed
back and forth.
Beginning of my thoughts
turns into ends of your understanding.

The sun hasn't risen and slept
in the time we have mesmerized each other.
But yet you say you feel like
you've known me your whole life.
Like a shadow that's been around
just never taking form...
And I can't agree more.

So I say nothing...*

Just sit here and not think and adore,
your passionate voice, your shy laugh, your tempered sighs,
your fluid movement, your assailable face, your unimpeded body.
I unknowingly mimic you and you me and we dance intuitively.  
Until we exhaust ourselves to sleep.

Who knows if tomorrow will bury our today...


*© NDHK
1.7k · Jun 2013
Dragon Slayer
Nik Krutilla Jun 2013
To be a daisy maiden
with fragile fingers in my hair,
Is not who I came to be,
though strength lived inside this vessel fair.

So burdened I was, with thoughts of
clever rapport and satire deeds.
Catching the intense beauty all around
not just looking within me.

I walked barefoot on muddy journeys,
collecting trinkets too precious and plain.
Graceless bellows of happy words shouted out
never caring for judgements name.

So when I came across a devilish looking man,
a humble heart in disguise.
I surely followed that tether
feeling my solitude world's final demise.
.
What I saw was a bit frightening, slightly...
only because of his eyes.
They were not uncommon but still unique,
something behind them I recognized.

They held secrets and wonder,
twisty worlds and something familiar.
Showed me tales and revealed quiet emotions.
I swear they were something of a mirror.

So when he disappeared from my sight
but called to me with his lingering light.
Laid out subtlety but inviting none the less.
I started after, caring not for the rips of my traveling dress.

Climbing up toward his castle of
vibrant colors and crests.
Venturing inside to find where the human delight
my sticky heart believed had come to rest.

Finding him sitting front row waiting docile in a chair,
I proceeded ahead with a confident flare.
Unbeknownst at first while focusing on the one
I was chasing.
There was an obstacle in waiting like a beast's heavy pacing.

Past lives and insecurity followed this creature about.
Like wasps hunting a victim waiting to make them shout.
A mask of confusion clouded this face simmering with doubt.
Trying to reach toward me, to let go and get out.

He said there was hope in his heart
but demons he still had to conquer.
He was so lonely and wanting to love
but feared he was too tired.

I responded that
if it's your evils that chase you
down to the pyre.
Well, I guess we are meant to be,
for I am a dragon slayer
And I too, breathe fire.


*©NDHK
1.6k · Sep 2012
Get To Higher Ground
Nik Krutilla Sep 2012
When there's no mode to make my way,

And I have nothing left to barter,

I push to stand and not fall,

For myself and my daughter.

Keeping the home warm and safe,

Lights and sounds while we're awake,

The smile I wear and words I speak,

Enough to get through til she's asleep.

In the cover of clouds the stars can hide

The wind flows by and the crickets tink,

That's when I think to let my wall crumble down,

To drown myself in sorrow is all I think.

Why am I doing this, why do I try

How long can it last, how much should I cry.

Over the years you figure yourself out,

You plan your days trying not to burn out.

You struggle and laugh and blink a new you,

Battling the little seeds of doubt that stew.

Of who you were, where you've been

Who you are and what might end.

It's tiring and annoying and you just want a break

But there's something that keeps you going,

Something that you can take.

It's a shot of anticipation, a tall glass of peace

A hit of a challenge and the chase of that dream.

Because when I look back and around

I don't really know why I'm here,

The reasons are complicated and the meanings not too clear.

Just hoping to be seen for the reality that it is.

That's all I can do, motion through to higher water,

Cause when the tide comes in

And I'm not drowning with my daughter,

I hope that I won't be questioned by myself

Of "why did I bother?"


*© NDHK
1.6k · May 2013
I Am Here
Nik Krutilla May 2013
There is this space that exists inside.
In between my ribs and just under my heart.
It's not in a place to constantly remind me of its presence there.
But it does get nudged from time to time.
It holds onto things I've tried to rise above, to let go of...
But never fully doing so.

Things like negativity and doubt and stubbornness...
Like self esteem bruising childhood judgements.
Like bitter regret of missing out on "I love you" before someone dies.
Like ignorant teenage decisions there was no reason to be making.
Like that secret you told and the one you promised to keep.
Like dutifully cleaning up after destruction since it was easier than starting over new.
Like the coltish grace of learning to be a woman without one.
Like leading a child with having no direction of your own.
Like taking that last piece.
Like hoping karma takes over.
Like waiting for a sign before walking away from toxic people.
Like throwing your heart out there with only faith and hope to be its wings.
Like innate fear of being alright with who you truly are.
Like disappointment for taking all these years to figure yourself out.

Those are some things that rattle around on a quiet and calm night.
On a night that finally arrives after strenuous days bleeding together...
They ghost in and remind you they're still there.
It used to terrorize the still moments when that happened.
No control over the flood of images and empathy associated with each and every reminder.  
I thought it was in times like that, when drowning with the sorrows of yesterday was just as easy as an exhale.

But I was wrong...
I was mislead in my own thoughts.
Because when I was tapped on the shoulder by history.
It wasn't trying to hold me back.
It wasn't intending to maim my conscious.
I believe in fact, it just simply wanted to show progress.
To show the "then", compared to the "now"
How every piece of who I am today was shaped and structured in part, to everything I haven't let go of yet.
How do you know when your soul is weaker than strong but mighty enough to fight?

In being made to contemplate all the wonderful and fulfilling things and parts of who we are,
We also have to give credit to the dark pieces
The events and people that have burdened and burnt but never destroyed.
Like any balance in life we acknowledge both light and shadow.
Appreciation of the good in our lives is more fluid when we have proof of the struggles we've overcome.

Be it years ago or hours,
Seeing how far you've come from that which had held you under or has trampled your spirit.
It helps enlighten bit by bit.
And a step at a time is how we all move forward into who we're meant to be.

So i think, that space that exists very close to my heart but just far enough away...
I think I'm okay with it being there.
It may hold scars in the eyes of others
But I know scars are just golden reminders;
Of that which make us stronger.
For if one has no scars, what has one conquered?



*©NDHK
1.5k · Nov 2012
Risk
Nik Krutilla Nov 2012
You know,
I knew before I walked down this path...that there were risks...
The risk of being let down,
The risk of confusing myself,
The risk of giving more than I'd get back,
The risk of falling so deep and so hard for you, that I'd for sure lose a little bit of common sense...
And even though I believe that the juice could be worth the squeeze...
I understand.
I get it, where you're coming from.
How you feel you need to be true to your decisions.
I've been there.
Compassion toward that isn't something you can learn,
But I'm glad to give it.
If it means it will help you in a way.
I'll give it.
And even though it seems like a wasted effort to most...
I'll still consider the squeeze.
Because you appeared like a hidden spider web on my path,
And sometimes...unforeseen things...are meant to be.


*© NDHK
1.5k · Oct 2012
G minor
Nik Krutilla Oct 2012
You're a song in my head
I hum every night before I sleep.
I want to play you on my acoustic
But I'm missing a chord,
Or a transition.
I need to put words to you,
So I can whisper-sing the lyrics
Under my breath when I daydream.
You resonate around my cerebral walls,
Clear and deep andante when I remember being in your hands.
Sometimes barely encapsulated four-four time
When I think of us drifting around each other.
And your agape eyes are the bridge
Crescendo..
Crescendo.....
Crescendo........


*© NDHK
1.4k · Jun 2013
Angels
Nik Krutilla Jun 2013
I want to reveal
things about
me
and have you
seek out their
origins.
I want you
to pour over me
the pieces of you
I don't know
yet.

Maybe we need
to stop.
Stop allowing all
the doubts
and
insecurity
infused from everyone,
past...
present...
to keep our
thoughts tied.

What have we
to lose
but
time and hiding.

In my gut
I feel a weight
could be evaporated
from us.
A light
glowing dim between
could be
illuminated.
Completion and
a knowingness of
who we are already
is not a hole
either are trying
to fill.

Maybe we just want
a hand to hold
after our struggles.
A comforting embrace
to melt into
after our pain.
A heart to accept us
completely
and love again.
Maybe
we just don't want
to carry fear around
anymore.

Intimacy is something
vulnerably created
and hardly given,
I know.
Spiritual connectedness
is the highest of highs
and I think
we're both wanting
to fly.


*©NDHK
1.3k · Dec 2014
Cookies
Nik Krutilla Dec 2014
Maybe we have been approaching LOVE backwards.
That what we want is really to be LIKED.
When I enter a relationship with someone
I still want to be able to say I like them.
Like who they are as a whole.
One year from now, ten years from now.
We lead with LOVE in everything we do in life.
It's what we already do but sometimes don't realize.
Putting yourself in someone elses shoes,
It's practicing empathy eveytime you do it.
Showing respect and acceptance for fellow humans.
We are loving beings incarnate.
Now, LIKING a person is something special.
It's a choice to be active in your own life.
Having a chance to build that trust with them.
You can LOVE someone without liking them.
Family, old friends, ex partners.
I think it's when you mix the LOVE and the LIKE,
That's worth something to hold onto.
At least that's what makes sense to me.
Projecting LOVE is effortless and selfless.
Giving it away without reciprocation.
To LIKE a person, I think that's what we're wanting.
That's where you would like something back.
To know the unique You is what's being appreciated.
That's when you require balance.
To know you're LOVED is a wonderful feeling.
At the end of the day though,
I think knowing that person just plain LIKES you...
Is pretty sweet.


*©NDHK
1.3k · Dec 2012
Making Time To Think
Nik Krutilla Dec 2012
I wonder,
If this is all just a waste of time or a lesson in progress.
I can't quite decide how I want to interpret this situation yet.
It seems so fragile to me.
To my heart.
No one else but to me, does it matter.
Maybe that's the thing of it...
It's not suppose to matter to anyone else.
Are we all just destined to really travel this life alone?
In a sense.
Because that just breaks me a little to think we are.
Coming from a heart guarded person.
Doubt, vulnerability,
These things scare me.
But not enough to not try, to overcome them.
Standing tall and strong on an independent pedestal is fine.
It really is.
To enjoy life solo and free is a wonderful experience.
But then sometimes...
You want to share the journey with someone.
Laugh with someone, smile with someone.
Hold someone.
It's just not something we can plan for.
We can't map out exactly when and where and who we'll be drawn toward.
We can't expect the unexpected, when we're not expecting anything to begin with.
And isn't that the thing of it.
I never expected.
Dropped into something when I wasn't looking.
Tricked myself right on through a maze of emotion.
And now the plan, the way I was contently leading on
Has been affected by the unexpected.
And I'm not sure what to do.
Or not do.
See...fragile.
The snow globe that was my life has been shaken,
And all around me falls uncertainty of the heart.
I was fine with waiting until it happened naturally.
Not being alone anymore.
Finding someone who just...
Fits.
But I guess what I had been doing was expecting.
Expecting to not expect anything.
And now there's this place.
This situation that I can't really determine.
If it's a waste of time,
Or a blessing in progress.


*© NDHK
1.3k · Apr 2013
Too Much Morning Coffee
Nik Krutilla Apr 2013
Lets
lay it all out here
shall we?

Because
I just have this
inexplicable urge
to unfold myself
for you.

I want to
ask you all kinds of
odd and intrusive
questions.  

I want to
climb inside and
pick apart  
everything
that makes you tick.

But,
at the same time
I anticipate
being surprised
by the things
I couldn't know
about you
yet.

I want to wind up
this thread
between us
and see why it's there
and how I can
keep it.

You make my
mind whirl
and my heart beat
so slowly,

Like it's waiting for you
to catch up.

Does this sound insane to you?

Because
I'm the one thinking
these things
and feeling...
Always feeling
when you are
around me.

I see you
guarded
and maybe yearning?

If I had
a white flag
to wave for you
I would.

Though
my insecurity of
being overwhelming and
intense,
keeps us both from
taking those
first steps
toward each other.



*© NDHK
1.2k · Sep 2012
Little Ball of Light
Nik Krutilla Sep 2012
One day you'll realize...
I don't have an answer for everything,
Don't make the sun rise and the stars shine,
Can't always protect you from monsters,
Or make it better with a hug when you cry...

I'm not as brave as I seemed
Or as wise as you thought
Not as strong as you believed
Because I've gotten lost a lot...

We might argue and disagree,
I'll watch you laugh and grow,
It will be bittersweet for me ,
One day you'll change and be on your own...

So I make memories in my days with you,
From your beginning, to my end,
And hope one day when you're older
You'll be able to remember them...

For if a mother is god in the eyes of a child
Then you were my angel from the start,
Your tears and laughter and all that comes after
Is what keeps me going sweeheart...

I'll never stop caring and teaching and leading
Because I found an unconditional love in you,
And if you learn only one thing from me
This one undeniable, ultimate truth...

We're apart of each other
Me and you
So I'll only live with half my heart
Because the other half is you...


*© NDHK
1.2k · Jan 2013
Insomnia Enabler
Nik Krutilla Jan 2013
I can't let myself keep awake about you.
You have absolutely no idea.
None at all, how I lie here and just
Think
And think.
Remembering you and me in darkness,
Music all around us.
Sometimes flashes of this.
Sometimes long detailed thoughts.
Trying to remember every action,
Every word said.

It all gets twisted around.
Distorted the more my mind pushes for a visceral connection to hold onto.
To relive again those moments between you and I.

I feel vulnerable in my thoughts.
I had a notion that I kept my emotions closed up tight.
No one could decipher my state of mind.
But as I always do,
I feel transparent around you.
And it frustrates me to no end.  

Seeing signs, unwillingly, in everyday things.
Reminders of you in some little way.
Unconscious happenings, until the third time's a charm and I take notice.
Is some higher power trying to tell me something or what?
Is it useless to believe divine intervention could have a hand in my life?
Can't I think God is involved in my insignificant place in the world?
How can happenstance be blamed?

It's seems to me that I know you,
Or what I want to assume you are, given the chance to get that close.
And I can't be your distraction.
The phase that occurred between the running away and the falling back to.
I refuse to accept that role.
To be so rootless to your life.
That's not fair to me.
Not at all.
Especially when I have no idea how I came to be here.
In this complex emotional pond.
I just woke up one day and it was.
And I didn't get to prepare.  
And it's not fair.

Let me have my walls back because now I am stuck.
Thanks to you, I'm stuck somewhere across from a breakdown and beside staircase.
Maybe you're a twin mirror of me though.
You might have just been paying more attention to the details.
Been more effected than I was, faster than I realized perhaps?
Whatever the case is, it's thrown me.
And I lay here every night think, thinking.
Somehow paranoid you can feel me conjuring memories of us.
Maybe wishing you could feel it every time you come into my head.
Like a ringing in your ears.
So then I wouldn't have to be alone in all this turmoil.
Not tragic just inconvenient.

It's as if I have a fantastic vision for a painting but no brushes to stoke with.
I'm baffled.
And I don't know where to go from here.
This limbo, half self imposed.
The saddest thing though,
Is that I kind of relish those thoughts.
Because for now they make me feel not so alone.


*© NDHK
1.2k · Sep 2012
Vibration String
Nik Krutilla Sep 2012
Don't want to go out to dance.
I want to hear a band
A good band,
A live band.
Music that has a soul.
Rhythm you can feel.  
Like thunder in your bones.
Swaying on your feet to a foreign flaming beat.
Get lost on the sound of beauty.
Raw
That carries through your blood.
Into  your mind.
Encompassing
It lights your fire inside.
I don't want to think,
I just want to melt.
Breathe it in...
Taste it...
Feel it swell.


*© NDHK
1.1k · Apr 2013
Endure
Nik Krutilla Apr 2013
Sweet baby girl
With ocean eyes,

Go ahead and
Keep on crying.
Let the tears go
Until they're drying.
Your sadness won't
Want to stay.
You'll forget it all
In yesterday.


Soft little girl
With ocean eyes,

It's okay to
Keep on crying.
Let the tears go
Until they're drying.
Your sadness won't
Want to stay.
You'll forget it all
In yesterday.


Hopeful young girl
With ocean eyes,

I know it's hard
To still be crying.
Let the tears go
Until they're drying.
Your sadness wont
Want to stay.
You'll forget it all
In yesterday.


Strong woman
With ocean eyes,

I know you're tired
Of all this crying.
Let the tears go
They're almost drying.
Your sadness seems to
Want to stay.
But at least it lives
In yesterday.




*©NDHK
1.1k · Jan 2013
Divine Interpretation
Nik Krutilla Jan 2013
Faith o faith...

I'd like to think,
That all the bricks
Of disappointment
And tragic inevitability
Are giving me
The heavy strength
In which
I'm going to build the foundation
I will rise from.

The confused spaces
And doubtful understandings
Will turn into stairs.
Leading me up to the potential
Of pure grace
In this life that I'm living.

I pray the welcoming door
To the house of me,
Stays as compassionate and open armed,
As my spirit feels
In this moment.


*© NDHK
1.1k · May 2013
2:21am
Nik Krutilla May 2013
I wonder if people
Realize
how telling me I'm
Strange
is less of an
Insult
and more of a
Compliment
to my odd little
Heart.



*©NDHK
1.1k · Jan 2013
Somebody
Nik Krutilla Jan 2013
These are the moments
in the still night
I dread.
The overwhelming ones
where you have nothing
better to do than
think.
To remember over and over.
Dig into things you've seen.
Things you've heard.
To helplessly wonder and hope.
Try to lead yourself away from
disappointment.
You run scenarios through
your head.
Imagine conversations that will
never happen.
It leaves you feeling silly.
Knowing you're immersed in
a fantasy.
Even if it annoys you,
that you're lonely enough,
To indulge in these
wandering visions.
It gives a temporary idea.
Of what it would
be like.
If the one you want could be
with you.



*© NDHK
1.0k · Apr 2013
Zip-Tie The Sofa
Nik Krutilla Apr 2013
I get these
Cravings
They're like save me
Daily
I'm sinking
Inside of my own mind
It's winding
Drowning
Like a tadpole in a sink hole
Discoveries
Blinded by need
I feed
Off the land of my past
Wasting it
With churning thoughts
Of what could of been
Should of been
Amazing
My life
With a plan that's
Only seen the skylight
Not the soil
It grew from.



*© NDHK
1.0k · Jun 2013
The Dream Woke Me
Nik Krutilla Jun 2013
Believe
having an unrelenting
Faith
and also impenetrable
Trust
in yourself can
Survive
all the unnecessary
Doubt
and strongly undeserved
Insecurity
that shadows your
Mind.

Awaken
the patiently dormant
Compassion
from lessons learned.
Embrace
the fight of
Loyalty
within your softly
Honest
and open armed
Heart.

Practice
the on going
Forgiveness
toward your own
Self,
and remember your
Journey
through the difficult
Growth
that you have
Endured

Unconditional
and titanium strong
Love
is what can
Remain.


*©NDHK
1.0k · Sep 2012
Not Too Long
Nik Krutilla Sep 2012
It's not time yet...
You both still need to heal.
Need to grow a little more,
Get that closure you deserve,
Be selfish for a while longer.

It will happen...
You'll both get there.
Know being alone is alright,
Make awareness of your worth,
Get lost with just yourselves.

Keep your faith...
You guys are doing right.
Entertain your mind indulgently,
Discover passions you never knew,
Meet the you, you are supposed to be.

Just keep eyes wide...
Your paths will cross.
Get rid of negative notions,
Be ready to embrace the wonderful,
Open up enough for a landing.

When you've been patient,
After you are centered,
When it's time,
And you're both ready...

LOVE


© NDHK
1.0k · May 2013
Pieces Of You
Nik Krutilla May 2013
You ran down the sidewalk
from the front porch
creating water bombs under your feet
with every patter.
Struggling to gain speed
as your summer dress
gradually became a sponge.
The thunderous mini shouts
coming from your mouth
stopped me dead.

Shamefully trying
to hold up the facade between
my expression and your heart
was agonizing.
As you made it up to the spot
my feet backed up from,
glowing desperation
could be seen in your
water well eyes.
Simultaneously stomping side to side
and tugging harshly down
my shirt you looked up
with a pleading confusion that
broke something inside me.
I couldn't give you
a straight simple explanation
for the question you kept
begging over and over to be answered.

You couldn't understand
how difficult the decision
to walk away from you that night was.
The choice
to better the one
who was to better you.
It was selfish
but in that moment I needed
to be for the right reasons
this time.
Let me tell you now though,
that you reaching up
and hanging off my neck like a pendant,
almost made me
toss the idea that I could do it
on my own and succeed,
appear believable.
I inhaled the smell of you
until I felt my lungs burn
and I held on hoping to convey
the meaning of this crisis in time
through our skin.
I couldn't give life
to the words you shouldn't of had to hear.

My time was running down
and my willpower
was getting edgy.
I knew that if I didn't
take those steps
into the unknown
I wouldn't be able to walk by your side
in all of our tomorrows.
So as you fought the untangling
of your scared limbs
and exhumed that agony smeared face
from my chest,
I breathed you in once more.
When you finally reached
a bump in the constant trill of sobs
pouring from your mouth I said,

"I love you. This is just for a little while. I will come back for you always."

I knew you hated those words
as I said them
but loved hearing me talk.
It meant that was
another minute more you had with me.
I kept up the
reassurance for the same reason.

A definitive honk
behind me proceeded the
collapse of your restraint.
Thrashing forward
with hawk like fingers
and indistinguishable words
you were held back with help.
It enraged me
to feel as if I couldn't touch you
but it was for both our benefits.
Holding onto your eyes
and the last of my control,
I grimaced a smile
that couldn't quite make it
and turned.
I rolled the window down
to get the full effect of you voice
in my head to take with me.
It would be the push
to do better,
be better.
When the driver asked
if I was ready
I said yes
while screaming never inside.

I squeezed shut my lids
and prayed I was already
back in our home
cuddled up together
on the rainy porch.
All in the matter of minutes
I felt the precious innocence
drain partly from
our life.
Thankful to the rain
for at least hiding my
swollen eyes from you.
If I could leave you
with the illusion
of strength
I hadn't earned yet.

Feeling the car pull
slower than necessary
is what did it.
My senses over powered me
as I gasped out
that horribly contained sob.
I knew it was
the right thing I had to do
but it was killing me.
I cut out my heart
and left it with you.
All to the
gradually fading song of your sorrow
from my window.

"Come back mama, come back!"



*©NDHK
1.0k · Sep 2012
Invoke Me
Nik Krutilla Sep 2012
You say my eyes are the prettiest
that you've seen in a while.

They guide you out of the hole
that you've found yourself fallen into.

I hope you might drown in them
for a little while.

You say they fill you with hope
and something wild.

So take them as invitation to my life.

When I smile and your eyes light up
it gets to me like nothing else has before.

The day we met the rain was falling down
not making sense.

You saw something inside me that was hidden.

It came out and blazed into your arms
safe and warm.

You told me of your dreams.

Said your fingers were nimble enough to catch them
but...
not sure your heart was strong enough to keep them.

Just touching you blinds me
with desire for you wholly.

You light up a spark
I thought died out ages ago.

Yeah, you slow me down with your sweet,
sweet smile.

I don't know now what to think,
I don't know what I'm doing
with you in my arms.

But it feels like a home
I've forgotten to return to.


*© NDHK
1.0k · Nov 2012
Ready
Nik Krutilla Nov 2012
Out of the dark haze I arise the phoenix within me...

Oh, how bright I burn


*© NDHK
991 · Apr 2013
Seesaw
Nik Krutilla Apr 2013
A step
Is missing
In your staircase.
Now
You can't
Climb up
To look down
On me



*© NDHK
Nik Krutilla May 2013
Something as simple as going to a movie alone.
It can be the best adventure.
It's nice to have wiggle room to just... go.
You don't have to worry about waiting for someone to tag along.
Don't have to worry that you won't get to sit here you want.
Don't have to worry about them stealing your popcorn.
Don't have to deal with their laughing at scenes that aren't really that funny.
And you get the armrest all to yourself.

Yes, it's nice to have that freedom of entertaining yourself.
But then sometimes...

After going to see your tenth movie alone.
You start to feel like you have too much time just staring at the lighting before the movie starts.
You've sat just about everywhere in the theater by then.
You wish there was someone there to turn to when something is funny enough to share.
And the  armrest sits there mockingly, like it's caging in your loneliness.  
And you realize... you never really do finish all you popcorn.




*©NDHK
925 · Sep 2012
Float On
Nik Krutilla Sep 2012
The tasteless, faceless wind

at morning,

brushes away my waking

mourning of dreams still

lingering,

getting settled behind

the place inside of me

I keep open for

the changing road of life

has no value when it's cast out

to a sea of precieved desire

bold and usurping

the unconscious impulse

to speak a word, picture a place

when it all comes

again wait until the nightfall blankets

you can't fly with your shoes

on the ground

is a safe home

for the nameless breeze is to

bring it again.


*© NDHK
903 · Mar 2014
Acorn
Nik Krutilla Mar 2014
We focus so hard
To balance our minds
We also need to remember
To balance our hearts.
Not too open but never too closed.


*©NDHK
900 · Jan 2013
Team Heaven
Nik Krutilla Jan 2013
What a special kind of hell it is.
To have feelings so
Potent and unwavering.
They swirl you around in a fog
You don't want to be clear from.

To experience everyday
The anxious temptation
Of opening your eyes
Just wide enough
To reveal the barely restrained
Longing.

If the light catches just right,
A heated glimpse
Becomes an unearthed inferno...
But doubtful reciprocation
Keeps you blinking.
This paradox of behavior inside...

To visually roam.
From point to point,
But not touch.
To inhale,
Hovering next to me
But not taste.
It's maddening,
Thrilling.

It's leaking out of my actions
The longer I hold this in.
What's most of all frustrating
Is not knowing,
What you think.
You can't be that unaware.
Is it teasing or unconscious projections?

Regardless,
I catch myself mimicking
And analyzing
And hoping
And
And
And...

Why yes, what a special hell this is.



*© NDHK
892 · Oct 2012
Honey
Nik Krutilla Oct 2012
You know,
A warm summer night
Can blister my skin.
Make me pray
For the slightest breeze.
Make my eyes droop with fatigue.
Keep me awake.
Dangling just out of reach of slumber.

But if you say my name
In your hushed tone.
If you look at me
With equal laze in your eyes.
It can cool me inside
Like a submersion into the sea.

I can't wait for the winter

*© NDHK
878 · Jul 2013
Dying With Important Words
Nik Krutilla Jul 2013
It was a dusty moonlight fall
when I walked into your room.
I had this urging inside that made it impossible to sleep.
Talking to you in whispered laze about trivial things that were always on our minds soothed me.
So I decided calm my stormy mind with placating conversation.

Sickness had been shaking up your serenity lately but it was nothing you couldn't tolerate, you always said.
The air in waking life had been feeling coppery.
You were already awake as I stepped through the door and directly to the window.
Let the breeze join us.
I sat down easy on the side of the bed and huffed.
Indicating the verbal sieve was full.

You broke the waiting with a quote by a Greek poet that I remember you referring to more than once over the years.
Rolling my eyes at the familiarity, I just nodded in understanding.
So then I let out the worries.
I haven't felt the need to get so deep in a while.
It felt comforting to share my darkest bothers with you.
You, always knowing how to put me in perspective.
Finding the brakes to my crazy train.

When I'd lightened up some you told me innocuous counter thoughts.
Like always.
Smiling and giggling at the inevitable jokes that followed eased things.
My heart brimming with warmth, I wished to have the ambiance captured in a jar to take with me into the light of day.
Maybe to wash away the constant taste of pennies.

I chose to conclude our banter with a confession.
One that I knew I'd be teased relentlessly for but with empathy no doubt.
I told you of a person.
One who swept into my life.
Swept me up.
And you snorted at that.
I would've gotten offended if not for your encouraging smile that was plastered on your face.

I guess that was the moment you thought was perfect to give me the ultimate ego boost.
Life lesson or what have you.
Linking our pinkies you said to shut up and listen to what you were going to say.
Don't interrupt with sarcasm, you warned faux sternly.

You said,
"I love you silly girl.
If you believe anything in your life.
Out of the books your read, the music you hear, the people you talk to, remember this above everything.
You deserve love.
You deserve to work hard and struggle.
Having a piece of the world in your palms is your right by being human.
All of your flaws behind that guiless face deserve notice and acceptance.
You are a divine piece of perfect creation in Gods eyes.
You deserve love.
And you deserve to give that love to whomever needs it.
When it comes down to it, all that's left is what the heart has squeezed out over its lifetime.
That's what is born and remains.
You deserve love."

Squeezing the finger that linked us, signified your wisdom was finished.
Shaking out the hair in my eyes had camouflaged the tears that snuck up.
I had to think up something to say that wouldn't give away how much that rattled me with something soothing.

I lifted my head, fighting back my self conscious need for a quip, to tell you I believed you.
I did believe you in that moment.
Because you knew me better than anyone.
I believed you.

Looking from the window where a few leaves fell in from the breeze I opened my mouth and took a breath.
I stopped short.
You weren't looking at me.
You were before though.
But not now.

Then I just knew.
I shook our fingers to be sure.
But my guts knew.
I didn't even get to tell you I believed you.
Or that I loved you.
My chest ached with a swirl of emotions that ricocheted around the small cavity.

I didn't realize until much later that you left me something.
Hope.




*©NDHK
856 · Jun 2013
Bliss
Nik Krutilla Jun 2013
Touch the back of my hand.
Feel that tremble.
That simmering warmth radiating
Into your palm.
You do that.
You bring that from within me.

Control is all I know,
And you make me lose it inside.
I ache to scream about it from
The fullness of my lungs.
Unsettle it from under my skin.

Just a chance.
Just a change.
Around and around the possibilities
Swarm like thunder clouds
Needing release.

Finding bliss


*©NDHK
818 · Jun 2013
Tongue Tied
Nik Krutilla Jun 2013
When the lights
Are dimmed down
Sweet underglow.
Softly lingering music
Swaying around our heads.
Things I want to desperately
Fill your ears with.
Hum them rhythmically
Like hot honey
Sticking all around inside you.


*©NDHK
813 · Aug 2013
A Drop In The Ocean
Nik Krutilla Aug 2013
Some people
just don't have the strength
to realize that those wounded parts
inside you are also
what contribute to who you are.
Like a mossaic
we are all made of tiny pieces
of unique traits that make us.
For some of us
it would be wonderful to just truly be okay
and not struggle with depression of some sort.
But that struggle
is what helps us see hidden beauty
in those moments of serenity
that most would bypass.
It helps us to be grateful
of good days and
sparse moments of a calm mind
that are taken for granted.
The dark inside us
also let's us shine the brightest when we can.
If someone is unable to cope
with all the sensitive parts of you,
light and dark,
it's their loss out of knowing someone amazing.
Every bit of you is worth acceptance.


*©NDHK
795 · Jul 2013
What Happens Next
Nik Krutilla Jul 2013
An illuminated room.
Twinkling lights strung up carefully
like the constellations outside the window.
Around the two of them the essence of frailty and incense hung in the electric air.
The low hum tension sizzles.
So close, every breath shared back and forth.
Finally the silent standoff is obliterated and the outpouring of words run over a thousand times bursts forth.

"What do you think I want?
You think you have me figured out, huh?
Use that keen mind of yours and tell me what it is, you think I want from you.
A pledge of forever?
All of your attention every day?
You think I want to have you give up all of your time to me, be at my beck and call?

I want this.
I want what has been between us since we first met.
I know you're probably nervous and unsure what's going on.
I am too.
But I trust my gut.
And tomorrow might not save me.

When you know, you know, right?
This is why it seems so hard.
Undeniable.
So I'm telling you what I want.
I want you.
Simple.
I want this moment.
With you.

I want this moment and if I'm lucky I could be given another and another after this.
And maybe,
if the universe allows,
we can take those moments and string them together and something more,
something bigger can come of it.
But for now I will be grateful for this moment, here with you.

Because you mean something to me.
I care deeply about you.
You're my friend.
I love you.
And I will never regret a day of knowing you if this moment is the only one we'll ever have together.
Because that's what it is.
That's love.

And even if it scares you, you deserve to hear it.
This is my truth.
I'm not asking you to handle my feelings.
I'm not ashamed of them.
There's no need to be rash.
I'm here.
I've always been here.
For a time I've been waiting and trying to understand myself.
But it's never gone away for me.
This connection.
The chemistry swirling between us.

So now that I've given more breath with all that, when I'd rather be holding it in to kiss you until my lips went numb.
You have a choice.
You can either clam up and push me away.
Or you can pull me in...
And kiss me..."



*©NDHK
784 · Jan 2013
Give All My Secrets Away
Nik Krutilla Jan 2013
In the
Sweltering summertime dawn
I was
Pleasantly stunned
By the
Spontaneous presence
Of you
In my life


In the
Soothing autumn afternoon
I was
Immensely intrigued
By the
Familiar disposition
You have
In my life


In the
Slumbery winter twilight
I was
Overwhelmingly enchanted
By the
Comforting spirit
Of you
In my life


In the
Arousing spring moonlight
I was
Incredulously cognizant
By the
Undeniable home
You have
In my heart



*© NDHK
780 · Jan 2013
Deuces Wild
Nik Krutilla Jan 2013
If you

had a

house of cards,

Would it

tempt you

to be

a magician?


*© NDHK
779 · Dec 2012
Orbit
Nik Krutilla Dec 2012
Trying to push me far
but you roll right on back,
To where you were.
Distance is but a physical thing.
Space.
Only it's the,
Catching eyes when walking by.
Inhaling while standing close.
It's your mind
that has to be censored.
Craving.
Of thoughts and memories.
Creeping around and falling front row.
Inside your head.
You have my voices that drips
Like honey.
Through your quite moments and hurried days.
Notice.
Your mind is rationalizing.
Contemplating.
Wanting.
How could someone with no belief
Of love
Deal with a heart that won't quit?
That wants to be coddled and held.
Potentially.
Like magnets do
They always come back together.
Gravitating toward each other.
Needing to feed
Off the balance of being near.
What if one of those times
You pushed...

I just pulled



*© NDHK
759 · Jan 2013
Stop For Me
Nik Krutilla Jan 2013
I
Don't want
To be
Your stranger
On a
Highway.  

I
Would like
To be
Your partner
In a
Robbery.


*© NDHK
754 · Sep 2012
Suspect My Suspicions
Nik Krutilla Sep 2012
What you feel is what you do.
What you think is what you say.
What you see is what you know
What you hear can take that all away.

A glance,
A chance,
A hunch,
A lie,

Not everyone needs an alibi.

My love,
My means,
My trust,
My deeds...

Hold truth and strength
That begins and ends

With me.


*© NDHK
749 · Apr 2013
Flooded Forest
Nik Krutilla Apr 2013
A blue haze fills my vision.
Leaves moving,
Dancing with the wind.

Naked towers arching over my head.

Walking down into a ravine
Where foxtails and wildflowers
Smother my senses.

The sky passes around so silently
Even the rain whispers.

Oak wood burning,
Warming my hands
The scent clings onto my clothes.

I take it everywhere I go.



*© NDHK
749 · Apr 2013
Let's Patronize Shall We?
Nik Krutilla Apr 2013
If my dignity
had a scent,
it would burn of...
sandalwood and honey.
Along with it
my kite line
integrity.
It would swirl
around my porous
relations.
Serving as a lead rope
to the
inner contempt
I banter with
on a
daily basis.


*© NDHK
727 · Sep 2012
Free Space
Nik Krutilla Sep 2012
Functioning alone inside a place,
Where I don't have to have a pleasant expression
Is a nice reprieve.
Just being able to contemplate about things
In no particular order
And let the mind roam around,
Until it bores and moves into the next thought.
That's when I feel centered.
That's where I feel free.
Not out in the world exploring and
Experiencing sights and sounds
But letting solitude open my imagination
From a remote spot.
Wondering...
Concocting...
Remembering...
Clearing...

Buil­ding up the resources for when the time comes To go outside
And let free all of what I've been evolving.
Letting the world see untethered me.


*© NDHK
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