i am imagining my guts spilt all over
your bedroom floor;
and you are licking my skin clean of all the
***** blood -

but the bones are all white and strong,
built tough from the labored years
of having a life
not worth living.

you will pick your teeth with them and call the police -
tell them:

there's been an emergency...
i'm a killer, stone cold killer
and there is no blood on my hands

a red beginning on the crown of his head;
king of nothing,
prince of everything -
yet

there's room to grow.

under a black horizon,
the shades of red hidden in bleak
discreteness
are delicious and
demonic.

demon king, demon king

he spreads his wing under the eclipsed sun:
a shadow of a former self.

no longer does he wait for the world
for a seat at the table.

he has learned that hell can be raised
when heaven won't come down.

i'll blow my brains out
to your favorite song;

if you see the lyrics
spelt out in my gore
maybe you can see
how much i cared

i wish i could tell you i love you, but i can not.

the words are too heavy on my tongue
to utter such a
bone-dry lie.

i'm high on your tar-black darkness -
that sick cloud of evil;
deep, dark, and broken.

my sun-blood will swallow you whole, so i can not tell you
that i love you.

you must split my lip and lick the lie from
my dripping
red
gore,

then beg me
to **** you again.

my mouth has been filled with a flood;
the waters are tainted with the acid of the world.

it wears my teeth down into
pearled-knives,
and they cut the insides of my cheeks -
mixing in
bad blood with
a devilish pollution.

i cannot release a cry.
i cannot stomach the feeling.
i cannot ***** the sickness.

i've been sleepwalking into blackholes,
turning cartwheels by oblivion
with a hell
stuck between my lips.

i've been swallowed from the inside out -
flashing in and out of life
with the firestorm of
sirens.

the reds and blues scream in unison
for a world greater than you and i.

there has been a silence in my life
that has been ringing  
with the furor
of gunshots.

the hot-smoked blow of air
giving birth to death in metal -

and my ears bleed a red
more red than blood.

i am deaf to all reason and numb to every feeling.

i am a doll made of dirt
and fake gold.

no marks of teeth will ever scar me.

i stand proudly with a broken back
smiling
even though
there's nothing to live for.

i drip my arms over your tired shoulders.
my hands cascade down your paper-thin back.

you're always crying.

and you're terrible wings tremble, but my dew-soaked fingers are
nimble
and unkind.

this is why no one can love me.

my heart is ill and beating with the strength of a
dying light.

pulsing off and on and off and on.

i carry scissors.

while i hug my poor self,
i clip my wings with the ease of a
psychopath.

there is an end somewhere
but not here.

i have learned to breathe under holy water -
grew gills so strong they are
lined with celestial gold.

the ocean is a puddle to me now.

and i ***** pearls of pain,
lick them clean with my acetylene
tongue.

my acids will heal what the world cannot.

pills and love potions  
can't take away
my virginity.

i am clean, so clean.

the devil watches me and
cringes at my radioactive light.

for i am dead and alive all at once.
poison, poison.

the radium drips from my lips like
babyspit and i am too pure
for god himself

so i offer my golden blood
to a higher power

that would take the pureness of it all
and make it an ounce
of what i could have been

i have no idea how to feel free
my skin is a cage and my mind is a
whip around my throat

the pain is numbing, but i tell myself to love it anyway

everything is boring
and nothing is the same,

but this awful feeling of
a dead man living in my brain

if tomorrow never came
would you still wait for the sun to rise

the moon
took shelter in my chest and
made a home
of my husk of a body

but it's too
big and bleeding
to hold tight

i've been hanging from the crescent moon

strung up by
the sinews of a heart that
pumps no blood

a celestial noose
of angels

and i can hear them every so often as
the wind blows -
strong underneath their
skeletal wings

it's getting tighter,
but i can feel no pain

i am hanging from the waning light, but i am not dying

the white, glowing disc among the blackness
attracts lost seraphim
like vultures

swarming around my fading flame like
a secret pagan ritual

they all wait for me to kiss the devil
with my eyes wide open
and i will wonder why
i fell in love with the wrong person again

this is an ending

i'm dancing to my swan song
in a room of unlit candles

restless shadows dance despite the
absence of hollowed light

i am so alone yet not
abandoned

my spirit is still
but my body is crying

for my aching heart that is
tired of dying

the californian ******* will keep me up
but i can't keep up with this bluff

oh i am drunk on your spirit
spiritdrunk, spiritdrunk, spiritdrunk

i am a mouthful of acid

cheeks puffed with sin,
dripping down onto my waning grin

a divorce of possibility
burning me out,
and my heart keeps breaking
every time the sun brings doubt

there is a broken promise in my bones
cracking and cutting me into
worthless stones

a puddle on a winter day,
letting ripples break the counterfeit painting
of a happy fade

there is a darkness between us,
my boy,
you are poison in a body

the tragedy of us,
something like
the death of a child

i can't seem to bleed out -
the pain is
a strangling by gentle hands

a suffocation of hope

and we're off to the races, you and i
arm and arm

it's all fixed, and i'm still betting on you

i finally get to feel your touch
the knife through my heart wasn't what i was expecting,
but it'll suffice

my blood turns to ribbons on ice, and
i'm crying

you've ruined me, and i love you so much

i am a wicked thing, filled to the brim with you, and
every time you're near i pour
out the emptiness

you're killing me, but i can't stop smiling

god won't **** me and you want me dying

Life's become a lot like laying down... Laying down not because I'm sleepy  or exhausted, but because I'm tired in a way that's quite different from the norm.

I lay down, and everything seems to fade into obscurity. The light is hazed, and the background of my white ceiling is shadowed by my second sun.

This state, this sort of stasis, doesn't end when I have to get up. Everything is endless, and I don't know when I'll feel something. Days go by and all end the same.

It's like I've fallen down a rabbit hole, and I haven't hit the ground. My voice is weary from screaming and my eyes have gone dry. Every day I fall deeper and deeper, yet I haven't hit the bottom.

I'm tired of waiting. My life's always been about waiting. Waiting for love, for happiness, for success. I'm not waiting to hit the ground anymore. I'm just being. I am, I am, I am. I am tired.

While I've been spiraling into demise, I've realized a lot of things. Being stuck in this oblivious life gives me a lot of time to think and reflect. This way of living makes a mirror of a man. I no longer see only one shade of gray, although I would like to see some color.

I've been trying to change, I've been trying to live, and be happy. I've been blessed with beautiful people that care for me, but this is my battle, and I don't know when it's going to end. And it's not going to end with me having waited.

I can tell you the world is wrong. Good things don't come to those who wait. I have been waiting years, and the only good thing I've gotten was wisdom. Not the kind that comes from a spiritual awakening. The type of wisdom you get from being beaten by the world and surviving.

Now, I'm no starving child, but I might as well be dead.

I can't seem to live outside my head.

This fall is infinite, and I won't wait for the end.

This isn't about you anymore.

          I'm starting to see a pattern. It's kind of like, staring at the tiled wall in the shower. You want to slip and fall, maybe break your head, but you can't seem to stop looking at the wall. The art.

             The faces and the places on the wall, they talk and breathe, and the more you see, the more you know. And the more you see, the more you want to know, but it all seems to stretch out into nothingness. Everything blurs together, and the more you know, you find you actually know nothing at all.

          That's where I'm coming from, I've always known where I was coming from, but I have never known where I was going. This isn't about you anymore. I've come to realize that my life is a lot like that wall. Winding and endless, like if Satan was a snake and he made a home around my neck. Coiled tight enough to make me see stars in your eyes, but loose enough to make my head pound with pain.

              So it's all about me, and I'm endless. I'm sad and I'm tired, and I have no answers, and I'm all alone. I know that I'll have to keep going, but I also know that I think I'm going to leave you behind. This isn't about you anymore. I'll take my heart back and leave it for someone more special - maybe my dog or my best friend, Carolina.

      I think they'll take better care of it, and I can focus on what really matters: living a life that doesn't involve drowning. Drowning in thoughts, drowning in tears, drowning in possibilities. I think I've had enough of that.

I think I can swim.

I don't quite know where the lightswitch is, but I know that the dark is much more friendly.
    
      Sometimes I dance with a ribbon lacing my body, and it feels like the last day. The string gets tighter and tighter,

and I am cut into a million pieces, but it's so dark. So have I really fallen apart?

          In the dark, all sounds the same, and the whispers.  Yes, the whispers. They're hushed and urgent. Like water rushing into my lungs, they take root, and evaporate.

              I've been going up, up, up

and I still haven't see light.

i've cried a thousand times.

you hold the gun in your hands,
but you can't look me in the eye.

red is all we are

a pair of strangers caught in between
nothing and everything

hopefully the wounds
can bleed me out

your eyes are hollow
and your mouth is set

you don't seem to notice
your heart leaking out of your chest

and the trail of blood is miles long
snaking past years of agony

that you dare not tread on

I take your heart and hold it out to you

you are not mine and you never were
my hands are singed by the holiness of your essence

but the pain is numb to me and you are all I feel

take this from me
I don't want it

your name breaks hearts upon my lips and
I am too weak to carry the empty love

my paper spine breaks at each end
though I had already collapsed

i've killed myself and
i haven't even loved you yet

there is no getting rid of him

each day goes by and i wonder if i'm getting better or
losing myself in the hysteria

by now i thought he'd be dead, but each saving grace of his absence is met with my sorrow

and the devil always brings him back
******

a reminder that i failed

he is not mine, and i do not want him

if you are real, show me what it means to live
if you are real, take this heart and choke the blood out of it
if you are real, i ask you, to steal my breath and give it to the dying
who need it much more than i do

i am dead, i am dead
if there's anything i know, it's that i'm beyond saving

this is a plea to god,
who i know does not exist

i am in stasis, prisoner to the nightsky
and all his dreadfulness

laying, helpless - waiting
for someone to steal my heart and end this
senseless aching

no more pain shall be felt in the name of a ******
angel

the lord has no sympathy for those who speak with their eyes
i am deaf to the silence and my ears bleed everyday
tell me you were crying on the day i stopped loving you

watch me as satan's hellboys
laugh with glee
while they pull apart my rib cage

bone to bone

watch me wonder if the pain

is worse than the love i felt for you

tell me that in the wake of all this destruction,
i have been made stronger

a black pearl waiting to be torn from its home
some day i wont have to wait anymore

i am a disguise, the haze on a dew-dressed morning, the tears on the faces of the brokenhearted

i am the moon in all its mysticism, the star out of place, the quiet before the release - that never came

my life is sitting on the edge of a cliff and waiting for someone to pull me away or push me over

my life is laying in bed, thinking at 4 am about why i am so alone, hopeless, and lost

i'm starting to think i'll always be this way

there must be a purpose: a curse or a hex, some devil put me here to suffer

i want love, i want happiness, i want to be more than just another lost boy


my life is sitting on the edge of a cliff
waiting
for the sun to die

i
break

i am the ash of a holiday fire
in a house
not a home

the wind whisks me away and
the remnants of my essence
sit crying
by the void

sobbing to black mirrors and shadows
in plain daylight

my eyes no longer see clearly
the emptiness is all i hear

the sound of a door closing
leaving a life i
never wanted anyway

in
toward the darkness that engulfs souls and
forces the eye to peer
into oblivion

dare i look into
my hell and turn my back to the hollow world
as i know it

out

amongst the blackness, amongst
the fear
is
the unknown

in

times like these i wonder
when i'll start seeing light again

out

lies are only lies to those who know
i've watched the lights flick out of the brightest eyes.
  light but no shadow

cloaked by thunder and into the murky river's flow
some tell others the dark is only right at night
   lies are only lies to the ones that know

death clinically reaps and sows
   men, women, and children all break the same
    light but no shadow

  the living walk blind, their hearts show
  shades of gray, and with grief on its way, right or wrong: they will grow
     lies are only lies to the ones that know

and if i were to bleed for tomorrow
  my wound would ooze grey, dripping into the far and unknown
    light but no shadow

the sun and moon do not glow the same glow
on the shade that would reveal that good isn't always good
   and lies are only lies to those who know
    light but no shadow

you got those eyes from the gorgons themselves
big and begging
to be seen

the pools of coal abyss are your pupils and they form into
cerberus's frothy, unpure mouths

gnashing and howling until the
bloodletting roars
devour me

as the blacklight morning
eats away at god's empty heaven
angel's cry tears of blood and
shed their hair -
gold as the sun at the midday hour

diamonds cut out the throats of
lovers

they bleed

the crimson rage oozes,
and drips in thick, blobs of terror

heaven waits for hell to freeze over and
the devil welcomes me home

and all was the same as if
the world had held its breath for me

my spine is made from the bones of you
staunch and unmoving

stuck in a stupor that caves out and eats in
cutting through the insecurity

so deep i can't lick the wounds clean

i am the living dead scoured by maggots and attended by
my own sorry spirit
looming over the death like
a funeral turned pity party

****** ******, ****** ******
the words shout from heaven and hell

but i am dead
and you dissolve

into paradise

sky of oblivion darkness holds the image of you plainly
black on black but still sheerly visible
amidst the murderousness of this
everlasting night

your eyes are storms and your teeth are the
dark stars in the sky

little knives that i wish
could **** me

hair that falls effortlessly, gracing the perfection of your countenance -
a devil in your own right
you are my mistake

nocturne haze keeps me living
but your radioactive gaze
has left me in bones

a hollow man walking
into the blacknight horizon

where he would sprout wings of ash
and fly to you

wisps and willows paint the sky with your blood
apparitions dancing in the dusk of trees that
can't bear your sight

branches swinging to **** with purpose -
to end the unholiness of you

smoke breathes and hugs the world
the devil won't **** you, and
the umbrage of my small love
can't even admit to the fact

carved into my soul with
the permanence of
a tragedy

i will not have this life but there is no
killing you

even on the brightest of days
there was darkness within my soul

the burning cold scythe whispers for
a paradise tomorrow and release from the
butterfly pain

everything cuts and the reaper has feeling
a once clinical mercenary tinged by the darkness that followed me
into hell and out
back and up
out and nowhere

death's regrets paints mercy on a face that wants none

so i tell him:

swing in the darkness
cut the air of oblivion

you'll find it hurts just as much
as the first time

Rain falls like a lead sheet beating
ages on my back. The water rises,
but through the muddiness of the dividing sea  
your light stands clear. You stand 
beyond my riverside,
the birth of Venus before my eyes.

Skin like seafoam and eyes
like amber coax my hands into fists, beating
ripples into your image that not even the riverside
rain and my own reflection could rise
over. As the waves ripple across your cheeks, I stand
to remember you are also across this sea.

Caught between this love like religion, the sea
breeze makes poetry of your hair in the wind, and my eyes
have never been drowned deeper. I have never had to stand
a love so murderous; even your mirror image gives my soul a beating.
All the while, the water rises,
crashing against the riverside.

Across the riverside,
your gaze is resolute and colder than the sea.
The sun rises,
to find her light breaking the horizon with her eyes
that held back whirlpools, beating
my soul with crashing waves of division, which I can no longer stand.

Too deep to stand,
dangers of the divide bound my desire. A prisoner to the riverside.
The chains of star-crossed lovers crash with the waves, beating
my sense into sea.
Pain is no stranger to your eyes.
The beauty of the sea would always rise.

Hurricanes beat you into perfection and you rise
and stand
above the ordinary eyes.
Storm-beaten and Tempest-tossed on this riverside,
A godly daughter of the ominous sea
has overcame a beating.

Beyond the riverside,
across the sea,
my heart is beating.

dreadfully into the night, raking
clawing into the black infinity
being dragged away from
the world as you know it

a man of fire
kissing the limitations of faith while his lips
are still wet with lies

face turned and steady
we are alone

unyielding, undying
drifting, but fleeting
breathing, and bleeding

alone, but together

life isn't slowing down for you
you are a speck of dust in heaven's snowstorm

a bullet in a firefight

lost in the flames,
no one will remember
the man who was

swallowed by the sun

under pearls by the water
trickle down the tears of an angel's
daughter

in the forest deep below
resting her head on an earthy pillow

the animals guard and keep her safe
shine and pray the light away

the moon is her companion
for it she dances
the sun comes over and delightfully prances

in this finest hour
the world is no longer ours

a union of more than two
a trust greater than me and you

the sky cracks open and screams  
the dance is no longer for thee

maybe she was a little too free
perhaps the forest stifled her pleas

poison trembles above,
looming,
dripping rancid memories that
rip into my bones and
claw out the life

even with the gun in my hand,
i can tell there is blood in the water

the souls of fireflies flutter and wander

toward them i find release

following them to the fields of chernobyl,
walking barefoot in a minefield,
crushing diamonds with my hands

darkness cannot pry open my
gores of gold

i will not die tamely

he will come in a dance of
letting go
and holding on

your heart isn't true
can't see what's good for you

when all you feel is blue
and you feel like starting your life anew

feel the love brew
let it break through

the world will swallow you
and it won't even chew

hopping along the river rocks,
earthblood courses

veins of nature ebb and flow to the
place where it all started

along the coasts and in the middle of nowhere
where my fathers lie

"you are not mine
we are divine,"
they say

there will be better days
although my heart stays

in the bloodwater of the past

the veins keep moving
nature's heart keeps beating

i am still hoping
for better days

the sun still shines
down by the riverside
everything is the same

i am still hoping
for better days

carry me home!
-your heart is too heavy of a stone

but home is where the heart is
and i am all alone

I was there when you fell from heaven
the fire in the sky burns,
blazoned by the jade
tint of satan's Greek fire

the air was poisoned with the unholiness of you

it's easy to blame coincidence
if I am broken, perhaps I cannot fix you

my eyes are replaced with slabs of molten rock and the soulfire gaze
sears your shadow from your towering image

you are yourself and reflection
an end and a beginning

the steps toward dawn
and it's sunbleached essence
baptizes and breathes

death into life

but dusk comes not long after
closer than sin
thicker than bad blood

there's no light at the end of the tunnel
just the passing glimmer of your
one last wish

there's no light at the end of the tunnel
i won't dance with the devil
there will be no
one last kiss

I dare not
look at god's scintillating
scorcher of an eye

only the bold would walk forward into hell

concrete callings
beckon to the place where
at least the prince knows

the blood is on your hands

fire take me now
no one could teach me to
see the devil for what he is

smoke wheels manifest from the
fog oozing from the
forsaken ground of
crying corpses

I am lost, I am lost
in the month of hollow hearts
if I close my eyes
I see the shard of heaven in your chest

don't dare look away
I have always killed for you

a peach beginning upon a
snow-born face of hope for a
purer tomorrow

chewed up and spit out by
the harsh lips of a
cigarrete kisser

he had lucifer's lies and
hellfire for a heart, yet
she loved him all the same

something's can't help but crave the pain of
being
choked with feeling

like
a secret
spoken so silently
that not even god himself
can hear it

it roars and
is born

a love so quick that it
isn't safe in its own misery

lust born from sheer attraction

like magnets we repel and
blood lightning weaves its way between us

crimson shocks galvanize me
but are numb to you

the thunder claps and
reverberates throughout my being

the lightning strikes and
you are gone

maybe you should hang it all up

sixteen years,
more than half unbearable to look at

a putrid punch to the soul...
somethings you can't let go

perhaps tomorrow will be kinder

is there anything that can **** darkness?
no light turns on

the fire is a butterfly,
its wings flap and
sparks fly

burn, burn

this world wasn't meant for you

smother the fire

some souls are just too tired

sea bruised and translucent -
you hold the world in your hands
and put it on display for me to see..

yet even you seem far away

i can still look...
still see the
airplanes rocket upwards
into a world
much kinder than mine

maybe i will join them one day

i reach out;
every light is a wish
for you and
it claws into my heart
and rakes it cleanly

like a daylight killer

dare I jump and
see how much I'm worth

dare I jump and
see how much I hurt

barren and cold, there is no sun to hope for, no stars to wish on, and no moon to guide me

it's been sixteen years and and i can't remember if i've ever felt light

in this twist of life, in this world of darkness, there is no time, no distinction between what is real and what isn't

i would tell you what it would feel like to be free, to be cleansed, to be me

but you see, i was born in umbrage, it is my home, it is my essence, my eternal disease

if only they knew what it was like to be left at the bottom of the world

if only they knew what it was like to be afraid of escaping

if only they knew that the only light there was in this world came from death himself

you were vanquished, forgotten, left in the dark of a past i refuse to turn back to.

yet you come to me at the witching hour with your eyes of greek fire and face forged from ichor.

you come to me and rip my soul from my chest with a fist that felt like true love.

now gold, gold, gold is all i see and you are all i want.

but you flee back into the pits of hell, and i am left yearning for the sin of my love to take me with you.

rituals and incantations so strong that they make heaven roar in protest fail to bring you back to me.

i am left with a hole for a heart and a soul stained with sin.

now completely forsaken, i wait;
forever dancing with the devil in my head.

the wind brings you to me in a whisper.
hushed noises breathes wisps of
poison into my ears.

i can't helping listening to,
the sin, the sin.

you are a flower, a shadow, my reflection in the mirror.

but i didn't let you in,
i didn't breathe the breath, you haven't touched my skin.

venom courses, passively forces
you into my blood.

i didn't wish you here, god didn't put you near.
poison, poison, you are a flood.

lies wet on my lips
eyes set to the sky
ears keen to the sound
of your reluctant goodbye

the gods hold my silence,
as aphrodite sews my lips shut,
all the while your fading silhouette
becomes just a bit too much

for years i'll long for your touch,
but i'll forever wear this hue
of a red so strong
it brings back visions of you