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 Jul 2015 Nicole Hammond
irinia
I came home pointlessly
endlessly
that day
the windows didn’t confess
I didn’t recognize anything
no, no more
I nailed myself on walls
-nothing really helped-
I sat on my bedside
facing the voracious truth of flesh
while my dresses were exploding
in the wardrobe
my furious love
erasing sunrise
between me and my skin
an alarming desire
happened that day
to clear the view
the life I’d smuggled
and hid away
the sons and daughters of darkness
were calling each other
in my hips
I put some makeup on my shoes
ready to face the world like this
woman
beast
no need to panic
there’s only this desire
unredeemed
to give away
a heart full of dire

I became one
with the other
another me
while
you were
beautiful
like a free day
And the stone word fell
On my still-living breast.
Never mind, I was ready.
I will manage somehow.

Today I have so much to do:
I must **** memory once and for all,
I must turn my soul to stone,
I must learn to live again--

Unless . . . Summer's ardent rustling
Is like a festival outside my window.
For a long time I've foreseen this
Brilliant day, deserted house.
You will hear thunder and remember me,
And think: she wanted storms. The rim
Of the sky will be the colour of hard crimson,
And your heart, as it was then, will be on fire.

That day in Moscow, it will all come true,
when, for the last time, I take my leave,
And hasten to the heights that I have longed for,
Leaving my shadow still to be with you.
 Jul 2015 Nicole Hammond
irinia
“To live is to be slowly born.”*

that day
time reversed its memories
the interior waters were protected
the autumn fruits were quiet
in their sweetness
some joy was scudding by
leaving shy traces on the cheeks of the city

who called you?
not my screams
they were trapped in someone else’s
purposes
fear, indifference, emptiness, hate
were in the middle

you  were a passionate thief of glances
there had been many before
each time blood rushed inwards
you had a secret collection of lost heads

suddenly it started
my right hand started
to strip you of your dreams
my right ear kept the pace
in the colorful space
I didn’t mean to pry
into the tension of your jaw
saying “I am”
(thinking real hard)
into your frowning with your lips
and the intense split growing in the middle
pushing you and yourself apart
the uncertainty of your feet
ready to take off

it is fear
dissolving my presence
my skin stopped recognizing myself
every inch has a voice
I was disarmed
I descended into yourself
and you offered to me
my own mystery

Picasso was watching over our shoulders
to Degas’ ballerinas
hinting at the lack of faith
in your smile
-there are so many spaces
filled with non-sense,
I know-

I turned into a landscape of desire
with perfumed weeds
there was an ocean of eyes
between us
wonderful images rolled over my skin
what was your chest crushing?

to be or not to be engulfed
still a lottery
our preoedipal mothers were pointing
their fingers at the horizon
pain turning into more pain
turning into hate turning
into hope
this heaviness in the middle
their laughter and innuendo
heavy as a tomb stone

that day never came
when you had me
without hello
no theory convinced me
to understand
this centering love I feel
every time your smile
happens to me

dreamers never say
“I’m sorry”
just leave me there
I'll be consumed
one day
you tell me that it's hard
and the news falls soft
on deafened ears &
a hardened heart
brimming with fears

I know you will be missing
something, you don't have
to utter a word, no sound
needs to be made
the silence resounds
our essence will stay

I won't tell you it's hard
rivers flow no second-
thought, clouds will
neutralize the day, rain
falls drop by drop,
the wolf hunts
and kills its prey

I'll smile on the garden
where you planted
plenty pretty flowers
the same tender
hands that tended
to me in our hours
the way we swayed
the way you towered
over me and myself
shaking beside me,
I will remember you
she's a bag full of twigs,
a bag full of bones and liquor
her stomach always caves in
and she walks with the weight of a gun
to her chest,
she drinks with a smile and smokes
while she thinks,
he doesn't know if there's anything
more perfect than her smooth porcelain skin
and they never thought she'd be the one
holding a gun six feet underground
but life can be hard and it's tough to just get by
and he never thought she'd leave him that
night but now she rests in the dark  
underneath the garden where they had their first kiss
he lives his life on blank canvases and dreams
of the girl who taught him how to breathe and not
a day goes by he doesn't think of her because
she's everywhere; she's that song on the radio, she's
the band on his walls, she's that picture in the hallway
she's his fear of the dark and he tries to paint her but he
can never get it right, because the girl that he loves he
never really knew and when he steps on the cracks in
the street he remembers her,
he always remembers her
remember me
because i'm a bag full of twigs,
a bag full of bones
filled with a smile of explosives
and a stomach that always caves in
i smile when i drink,
i smoke when i think
and every time i try to breathe it feels
like a gun to my chest and time is my trigger
most times it feels like i'm walking on a
rope above the water
and i can only last so long before i sink and fall

(h.l.)
i really like this actually, i'm glad how it came along
 Jun 2015 Nicole Hammond
Alyssa
it was the library
down by the corner
where Oak
and Pleasant Street
crossed every night
that I first saw you.
rugged hands
shifted the pages
of a worn-out Catcher in the Rye
when two spent faces
met one another
like gasoline
sparking up a dimmed campfire.
I took you home;
the sun rose;
and somewhere in between,
when the sheets were dancing
and my fingertips
read your skin
as if it were tattooed in brail
was the moment
I became a writer.




Copyright ©  2015 Alyssa Packard
All Rights Reserved
it was you
you got a fast car
i want a ticket to anywhere
maybe we can make a deal
maybe together
we can get somewhere
anyplace is better
starting from zero
got nothing to lose
maybe we'll make somethin
me myself i got nothin to prove

i've been wondering
when it stops
people say it stops
when you want it to
but how do i tell that
to my dreams
when all i can think about
is running up to kiss you
in the parking lot of anywhere
it makes me wanna drink
and say everything
like sometimes i think about
what it would've been like
if i had let you go
when i
was still strong enough to do it
like i never knew hell
had such a pretty voice
like i tried to make it all day
without saying
"wish you were here"
like lately i've been going back
to all the places we've been
to see what it's like without you
it is the worst game
of hide & seek
every time i close my eyes
to count
you just go home
i seem to only wear my seat belt
on days you call
on days you're all *never been better

and i just wanna tell you
how much I hate window shopping
and daylight goodbyes
you just sit there
when you could say anything
you could tell me
you noticed i started drinking again
you could even make it up
you could say you miss me, too
you could say
you missed me so much
that the other day
you accidentally bought
two coffees instead of one
you could tell me
how you've been
without me
that you sleep so much better
these days
without having to worry
you can say what you have
to just don't say leaving
was like shooting fish in a barrel
cause i swear i'm nostalgic
for things i pretended were real
and i swear
i don't want a seance
until there's something
worth bringing back
take me back
to all the places i tried to love you
back to a time
where i knew my name  
without you having to say it

*you got a fast car
is it fast enough
so we can fly away
you gotta make a decision
leave tonight
or live & this way
excerpts from tracy chapman's fast car
the light in the women's
bathroom stays on, always
24 hours a day

why is it never
safe to be a woman?
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