Watching you leave was the hardest part.
Your ***** brown eyes, I constantly see in my head.
You turned a smart girl into an addict.
But I can't turn back time
Because maybe this time, it was the right decision.
This unnatural dependence climb got a little bit too much.

Maybe I should have seen it.
Maybe I should have realized that I can't go on like some broken puzzle where not all the pieces fit,
and expected you to somehow fill the gaps.

I replay your scrambling words on my voicemail
When you thought that I might lose my mind now that we're done.
The thing is; Having half of it now, because of you, is a whole lot better than having none.

I search streets full of people to find your face.  I'm barely out at all.
You're like a small drop of perfection in a sea of broken souls.
Maybe I'm delirious.

Maybe I can't think of the future when I'm stuck in what could have been, what has been.
Maybe I can't make you forget the parts of me that you shouldn't have seen.
Maybe I'm lost.
Maybe I can't move on.
Maybe...I'm fine.

Our lives began to descend down the narrow road of negativity.
"You really mean a lot to me."
I would never say that.
Like a bat,
Made of feathers smashing against a brick wall.
You stand tall
Too tall for me to reach your heart.
To avoid being hurt, I was just too smart.
Avoid it all, avoid the love I've always had for you
Too many incidents, just to name a few...

There was the ****
That left our family in need.
For some help, from anywhere, somewhere please.
I just wanted to live with ease,
Live like my friends did.
I wanted to be a normal kid,
But I just couldn't be.

The lying
Always always lying
Life wasn't flying
By it was crashing hard
So many shards
Of my broken childhood.
"Please just be good"
I would recite
I don't want to hear another fight.
No more crying or yelling
There was no telling
When this bad dream was going to end.

Stealing!
You stole from me,
That's not how it's suppose to be,
To fund your drugs.
Hang out with those stupid thugs
You call friends.
Don't let this be the end
Can we at least pretend
To be normal.

Guys always think that when a girl says "she's fine", she's not fine.
When I'm not fine. I don't say anything.
A desperate attempt of a thin sheet covering my naked emotions
Knowing full well that this sheet will only cover me if I'm good enough at using it.
Well I've grown accustomed to using it
Like a silencer on a loaded gun
I have a silencer on my loaded mouth.
You see I am an expert at silence
The deafening monotone of nothingness ringing in my ears.
I found peace in the darkest places of my own consciousness,
Hiding in it's cave like walls,
A bear in hibernation.
'Don't poke the bear.'
A bear is only silent when it's sleeping, or hunting.
I,too have hunted the wilderness of broken dream tree trunks and engulfing self-pity oceans.
But I never seem to catch the hope filled prey.
Maybe because I am both the predator and the prey.
The yin and the yang
The hope and despair.
My mind is so used to fighting itself that it should have been in fight club.
1st rule of fight club...Don't talk about fight club.
Don't talk about fight club
Don't.
Talk.

Sometimes I think to myself, is it worth it?
When I ponder on my life and it hurts a little bit,
To be shut out and pulled down.
It's like I'm wearing a crown
Of all the stupid things that circle my head at night.
I want to see the light,
Walk towards this thing of wonder
And still see the things that are under
My skin.

I want to be that little piece of happy
Rather than all these feelings of ******
Disbelief and low self worth.
Feel the earth
Beneath my feet
And realise that with out my friends and family, I, am incomplete.

No more hiding behind the classic fake smile,
Think of life in a different style.
Allow myself to be filled,
With joy, we can rebuild.

No need for drugs or self mutation,
This train's coming to a different station,
Because I can be free.
In the end it's only me,
So why not reach a decision,
To not let fear blind our vision.

Control our own situation,
For how ever long duration.
There is truly only one life, that we get to live.
You should turn around and give
Your real smile, the real you
And maybe if you're lucky you'll see their real self, too.

The simple thought of;
"Today will be a good day",
Drastically changes your outlook.

You realise that
ATTITUDE is everything
And sadness is just perspective.

Sure you can dwell on the bad things
'Not Achieved in this assessment, ugly, worthless'
Or you can choose to push them away.
Choose to focus on the things you can change
Not the things you WISH you could change.

Perspective is the difference
Of living with hate and living with love.
Yeah naivety isn't recommended,
But is sure as hell feels better.

If it were up to me,
Everyone would feel this way.
Maybe I would listen to it more often, too.

The truth is no matter how cheesy this sounds.
You control where you go in life,
It's easy to point the blame,
But at the end of the day you have to live with it.

Write like you have nothing,
Write like you have everything.
Write as if only now matters
And if you don't write this, it will never matter again.

Cram every ounce of emotion
Into your masterpiece
And allow that little piece of your soul to be revealed.

Speak in your truest form,
To an audience you don't know,
With people who are the same as you.
They may feel like they are reading about themselves.

Write in secret.
Only reveal to people who don't care,
Or will forget in a minutes time.

Be bold.
No apologies for expressing your darkest emotions.
Better here then to someone
Face to face
Who may think you're crazy.

Try and reconstruct your self worth
Only to realise
Others agree with you,
And you watch it shatter in to sharp pieces of glass.

Allow all of your attention
To be fully engrossed into the poem.
To fully achieve the best work possible.

Each time a poem is added to the collection,
Be proud,
Because that is another lot of crazy on the page
That hasn't been revealed to your family or friends.

Lastly once it is complete.
Watch the reviews
And comments of your audience stack up
That is what you appreciate.

When I'm dying
I want to think back on my life
And see positivity.

I want to see the lives I've touched,
The smiles and laughs I've created
And the thoughts I have provoked.

When I'm dying
I hope to have no regrets,
No fear,
And no pain trapped in my heart.

I need to be purposely positive
Because positivity is contagious
And I want the world to catch it
To stop the suffering.

What will flash through my mind?
Will I smile at the good times?
Or frown at the apology I never gave
Due to my own stubbornness.

When you're dying,
What do you want to see?