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Nicole Alyssia Oct 2015
My breath is but a whimper
A faint hollow sound-
Inspiration, passion
Where are you hiding?

October is the cruelest month
For nostalgia creeps at every corner
Following, lurking
Seeping through my unconscious

You creep into my nightmares
I just can't seem to escape
Anxiety, cold sweats
If I didn't like it id be lying.

For months, I've felt dead
I hate you, yet I crave you
You set my pulse on fire
Yet I'm the last to admit I want this.
Nicole Alyssia Nov 2013
Loneliness makes wet rings on the bar
Left by the stiff drinks
Drank one after another
Gulping down shot
After shot
Not for any reason
Other than reaching obliteration

Loneliness stands outside briefly
Inhaling the consuming flame
Of a strangers cigarette
Reaching for a phone
To call anyone awake at this hour

Loneliness turns a blind eye to morality
And goes home with someone
Whatever his name is
Because anything
Is better than nothing.
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2017
truthfully,

i think i enjoy wallowing in pain.
i'd rather feel angst, crippling pain,
the depths of despair,
and to cry myself to sleep at night

than to feel
dead.

so often i confuse the
longing for intensity
with the intensity of love.
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2014
I am a slave to no one
Well, there's one exception -
Poetry

More like a willing servant
Available at your beckon call
Ready and willing to
r e l e a s e
What you desire me to share

The catharsis appears to come
From me
But I am nothing more
Than an instrument
A mere slave
To your greatness.
Nicole Alyssia May 2016
“If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.”
― Pablo Neruda
Nicole Alyssia Jan 2019
immersing myself
in the absence of actuality

to save itself, my mind
must be made numb

by simply running from
one dream to another

lured into temporary bliss
with each sip, relationship, drug, job

gravitating towards
triviality and banality

for most of my life,
i’ve done nothing but run

from myself
Nicole Alyssia May 2016
“I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.”
― Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets
Nicole Alyssia Jan 2019
‪please,‬
‪accept my apology‬
‪in advance:

‪i’m impossible,‬
‪in every possible way,‬
‪and i don’t know‬
‪how to hold on to people,‬
‪because i’ve never,‬
‪really,‬
‪been held on to‬
‪myself ‬
Nicole Alyssia Oct 2014
My heart has been engulfed
By an all consuming flame
Never mind the poison from the smoke
Nor the burning or the pain
The dancing embers of desire;
What a lovely sight to see
I choose torture from the fire
Over setting my heart free
I'd rather burn to death than live without this
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2017
i surrender myself
to time,
because what other options
are there
aside from waiting?
          “patience is a virtue”,
they say
          “faith keeps us alive”.
ha!
hope, quite literally,
annihilates the heart
chamber by chamber
valve by valve
a slow,
insidious death

treachery.
Nicole Alyssia May 2014
My heart on my sleeve,
It breaks
It bleeds
It beats
Entirely for you

I will love you
With everything I have

Until I love myself.
Nicole Alyssia Mar 2017
i sat awake in bed
for the past three hours,
contemplating,
"how can i do this better,
more -
efficiently?"
alas, it hits me!
its impossible to become
a busier worker bee
when you're a different species
entirely
i hear a voice within,
"spread your wings,
butterfly -
fly."
Nicole Alyssia Sep 2017
“I mean, I don’t necessarily want to admit this”, she said rather candidly, gazing down at the stand of icy blonde hair she has been running between her index finger and thumb.

“But to be quite frank, if I heard him knock on my door whilst the winds howled and raindrops pounded the concrete…” Her gaze peers up and she looks directly into my eyes with a sullen whisper, “I don’t believe I’d care enough to even answer it."

With that I realized, he'd never be allowed back in and would be lucky enough to merely have access to her front stoop.
kind souls shouldn't feel this way, should they?
Nicole Alyssia Sep 2017
asinine
to think
that
he
can not
control himself;
we see
him
controlling himself
perfectly
whenever
witnesses are
present
Individuals with ASPD  are legit another breed of lower level human
Nicole Alyssia May 2016
I sit here
Like a love sick puppy
Waiting by the door
Patiently waiting
For my owner,
My lover,
My heart
To come home

I can only wonder
When I'll begin to accept,
that this will never happen
Nicole Alyssia Jan 2019
i am so grateful i was tricked, you see,
without honesty,
as i reflect on your undeniable misogyny

i could only give you so much,
and only that much,
is what you could take away from me

so, i can only thank you!
for your disdain and haughty contempt,
confirmed the delusion i once called love
Nicole Alyssia Apr 2014
The sun rises
I wake every morning
Into a deep sleep,
Teetering between reality
And a vehement dream

Ah, the latter
A playground of torrid fantasies,
Credible delusions,
False conclusions.

I don't really like it here
This dark, chaotic, hostile place
A reflection of the deep, recesses
Of my subconscious mind.

I meander the fine line
Between these two worlds
Unable to voluntarily choose
Which I will participate in

Psychosis? Not entirely
I am well aware of the discrepancy
Yet, the pull of the latter
Is much too strong

It lures me in...
Offering solace in the form of
Anger, denial and doubt
Comforts I have grown accustom to

Time and time again I succumb
Defeated.
You see, the battle is not with you
It is within myself
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2014
Asking me to hide my emotions
Is like asking someone
To hide a gushing wound
When the **** won't close
And the blood won't clot
Easier said than done.
Coming from someone on the outside
Who can't feel the actual pain
And would prefer
Not to see the gore
Or clean up the mess.
Nicole Alyssia Nov 2017
secrets seek refuge in the darkness

there,
is where my demons find solace;
ostracized, ignored and seemingly forgotten
forced to tread the depths of my unconscious
while i give way to this self-perpetuated artifice
and swallow every evil fed to me
by the master hidden behind the curtain

i can no longer reject the notion that my demons live inside of me.
i am bound to them.

the longer i chose to ignore them,
the louder they slam and rattle these chains.
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2016
with each passing day,
i realize
with increasing certainty
that there are not many
people
out there like
myself

cut from a different cloth.

perhaps, you haven't been
properly warned
about me.
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2017
unrequited love
pierces through my chest
- a bloodied dagger
stabs my heart
and drains me dry
but somehow i survived

you have blood on your hands.

yet somehow it's my fault
for causing the perforation
simply because
you're unwilling to see,
to admit,
that i was defending
my already wounded heart
from further betrayal

remember this -

desposing the knife,
moving to far and distance places
and eventually
finding your way back
home, to me,
does not give you the right
to seek my warmth and comfort
after you've been stabbed
by someone else.
**** me, why don't you. Own up to the part you played instead of continuing to torment and destroy whatever is left of my heart.
When I’m asked,
“What are your expectations?”
I tend to evade the question,
Because, realistically, I know
No one could ever meet mine.

I admit,
I’m inclined towards lofty ideals
And raw romanticism,
So it’s not anyone’s fault
but my own...

What I want,
Is you,
And your love
And devotion
In the purest form

My souls counterpart
That I see beyond the physical,
But appreciate for their beauty
And pine for nonetheless

I want to share sunsets
And when I gaze into your eyes
I’m struck with the same feelings
Of breathless awe and admiration

I want to have the ability
To catapult you right over the precipice
With the mere touch of my lips
Pressed against yours

I want to explore and travel
The crevices your mind
In every country, city and state
In every way, shape and form

I want you to know that relationships
Are not always meant to last forever,
But that our love will remain
Through this life time and the next

I want to touch your soul in a way
That will forever change it;
Catapult you to your highest potential
In heart, mind and body

But, most of all,
I want
Reciprocity
Yes, I know it’s not a poem. These are my thoughts
Nicole Alyssia Nov 2013
I’m sick of being silent
When all I want to do is scream
I’m sick of saying one thing
Instead of what I really mean

I’m sick of all the sadness
That’s been brewing in my heart
I’m sick of ending one thing
Before something can even start

I’m sick of always crying
Yet pretending that I’m fine
I’m sick of letting others
Put a damper on my shine

I’m sick of writing poems
To communicate my thoughts
I’m sick of running from my problems
- never mind
I’ve been caught.
Nicole Alyssia Nov 2013
The taste of rejection is still sweet on my lips
The screech of denial echoes through my ears
The bigger picture can no longer be seen
The feeling drains from my numb body
The smell of regret lingering on my sheets
The thought of you still dances through my brain
Why is it that even when you are gone
You still excite my senses?
Nicole Alyssia Sep 2017
beginning to see
i only write about you
whenever i’m bored
Short, direct haiku; i just really want to write about something, but your love never ignited that creative flame in me. I've always had a habit of trying to pull things from places that don't exist!
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2017
by nature,
i've never been
a jealous woman.
for lack of a better word
          possessive
          fits the bill
so, i guess
what ignites this
fury within
is knowing that
i'm the sole reason
why you're no longer
mine.

because,
i know deep down
you still wish you were
and perhaps
she was just a
feeble attempt at
recreating what we had.
the opposite of hate
is indeed love
which is how i know
your energy was spent
loving me
all the while.....

for now, i cling
to my fantasies
faking futures with him
that in my bones
i wish
were with you.
a future lost
can never be rewritten,
but the only good
that comes from
this realization
is that i now know
you know this
just as well as i
No one compares to you and no one compares to me. The only comfort in a lost love that will never be
Nicole Alyssia Sep 2017
it's so easy
to harbor darkness
and tear others
to shreds
i suppose the outside
is a reflection of
the inside
and there's nothing
attractive about
my incessant need to
scratch, gnaw
and rip open
a scab
that hasn't fully healed
if only i could
just. stop. picking. at. it.


...i'd probably feel a lot
better.
Nicole Alyssia Jan 2016
my body is homesick
for a place
that refuses to
accommodate me.
Nicole Alyssia Jun 2015
A contrived monologue,
brimming with empty words
cannot cure my insanity.

Perhaps there is no cure.

Just a deep craving,
an insatiable yearning
for something only
a muse can appease

For it's the muse alone that
engulfs my consciousness,
leads the pen across the paper,
permits me to paint
my dark thoughts
into a bright canvas of words.

Without my beloved,
I'm utterly uninspired;
not a writer, nor a person;
Just a maze without an exit
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2016
Go ahead...
Hit me.

There's nothing
You can do to me
That will hurt me
More than I hurt myself
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2017
crawling-
on hands and knees
     as i fight my way back
     to you
entangled
in a web of memories
dragging myself through
the dead and debry
amongst
mummified thoughts
and emotions;
now stagnant,
yet petrifying none-the-less.
i'm not sure how much
more of this i can endure
with each passing day
i lose a little bit more of
     my strength and stamina;
     faith, courage

     patience.
Why am I doing this to myself? There's a fine line between idealism and fantasy. If only the former weren't so exhausting.
Nicole Alyssia Jul 2014
" Art is a kind of innate drive that seizes a human being and makes him its instrument.
The artist is not a person endowed with free will who seeks his own ends, but one who allows art to realize its purpose through him.
As a human being he may have moods and a will and personal aims, but as an artist he is "man" in a higher sense- he is "collective man"- one who carries and shapes the unconscious psychic forms of mankind."

- Carl Jung
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2016
Please,
Do not romance me with words
I've written better
Myself.
you

make my heart sing

its new favorite

song
Nicole Alyssia Nov 2014
I get lost in your eyes
With no intention
Of finding my way back...
Nicole Alyssia Jan 2019
funny how
love
is a word
that fills
some people
with
hate
Nicole Alyssia Dec 2013
I knew I had been waiting a lifetime to meet you
Because you are everything that I have ever wanted
There's something about the way you effortlessly
Set my soul on fire.

The sweet sound of your voice is like a song
That I have patiently waited to hear
For what feels like a century
Oh, my eternal piece of mind, could it be?
*That you complete me
Nicole Alyssia Sep 2017
remember,
the only
discernment
used by
an abhorrent
parasite in
selecting a host
to extract from is

who has the most
to take from
and who is most
readily available

nothing more,
nothing less.
Nicole Alyssia Nov 2017
just know,
on the other side of this skin
there is virulence….venom….rancor

you’d be a fool
to take my innocence at face value.
Nicole Alyssia Nov 2013
What goes on inside my mind?
My vision hazy, going blind
Is this reality or just a dream?
Due to an imbalance of dopamine
Bound to a world of seclusion
Or is this yet another delusion?
The voices always lie to me
Which sets off my anxiety
Writing is my main compulsion
My sanity has faced expulsion.
Nicole Alyssia Oct 2015
Ever feel the alluring,
Nagging pull
Of someone
Thinking about you?

Perhaps I've gone completely mad
And it's just
Some type of illusion

Maybe it's just a craving....

An unequivocal need
To feel, to touch, to taste
Every inch of you

You arouse something in me...

That I ever so desperately
Try to pull from others
Where it doesn't exist

I hate to admit,
You drive me absolutely mad
Yet, I love every second of it

That inherent animalism
Makes me feel
So ******* alive

Wont you take me baby?
After all,
I'll always be yours....
Nicole Alyssia Nov 2013
Why is it that we give people so much control
Over our thoughts and feelings
Over our lives and well-being?
Why is it that our hearts yearn for one thing
But that one thing
Is the most detrimental to our eudaemonia ?
Why is it that we sit around and ponder
And hope, and wish, and wait
For things to change?
When we are the sole creators of our lives
And any second can be the second
That we choose to change our situation?
Why is it that we rely so heavily on others
To find happiness
When all we have to do is create it?
Why?
Nicole Alyssia Nov 2013
They say to live is to die
But is death the ultimate goodbye?
Lost in the vast continuum?
Or a blessing in disguise?

Are you here, by my side?
Have you ever felt more alive?
Once in a lifetime experience
Or do our worlds coincide?

I won't cry, too much pride
Can you see how I feel inside?
I know you're here beside me
Can you read what's on my mind?

Can we reverse, or rewind?
Or has the timing been assigned?
Every moment has a purpose
Maybe death is misdefined…

You roam free, not confined
Your destiny no longer designed
Wherever this journey takes you
Forever - we'll be entwined
The words of this poem effortlessly poured from my fingertips after a childhood friends funeral. I truly feel that she was with me as I wrote this poem. To this day the thought of Gabbys passing causes me to cry, although the tears are not entirely those of sadness.

I have grown to realize that life is a precious gift, but not necessarily the end. Her death has affected so many lives, in so many different ways. I often become moved by the selflessness and strength of her soul.
Nicole Alyssia Nov 2013
This silence murmurs waves of regret
How could I have given my soul
To a selfish fool?
A lesson I will never forget.
Nicole Alyssia May 2014
Driven by rose colored illusions
That I could fix you up enough
To fill the ubiquitous void within me

I let you blindfold me with words,
Since your half-truths were sweeter
Than the sound of my instincts

Keeping your secrets
I began to lose sight of my dreams,
Once enmeshed in your nightmare

Shifting sands of worth and devotion
Reluctantly, I played my assigned role
A figment of your rose-colored illusions

The illusion fades into reality and I see
True love could never exist
Between two fictional characters
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2017
i've learned
that planting seeds
and tending
to a garden with
the utmost love and care
will not prevent
flowers from
wilting, shriveling
and slowly dying
      from neglect
in the hands of
a careless owner
       who buys pretty flowers
       to brighten his day,
not simply for
a love of roses
If you care about your heart, be mindful of who you give it to.

Perhaps he had a thing for tulips...? A selfish love seeks to make itself whole; relationship after relationship after relationship....
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