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34.2k · Aug 2014
Emotional Hemophilia
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2014
Asking me to hide my emotions
Is like asking someone
To hide a gushing wound
When the **** won't close
And the blood won't clot
Easier said than done.
Coming from someone on the outside
Who can't feel the actual pain
And would prefer
Not to see the gore
Or clean up the mess.
9.7k · Aug 2016
Invisible
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2016
Go ahead...
Hit me.

There's nothing
You can do to me
That will hurt me
More than I hurt myself
9.3k · Aug 2016
Enter At Your Own Discretion
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2016
with each passing day,
i realize
with increasing certainty
that there are not many
people
out there like
myself

cut from a different cloth.

perhaps, you haven't been
properly warned
about me.
9.2k · Oct 2016
Tenacity
Nicole Alyssia Oct 2016
i just can't seem to understand

why

every time i tie up my sneakers
and attempt to go for a run

it starts to rain.
Sometimes there's no use in analyzing. You accept the cards you're dealt and keep it moving
7.8k · Nov 2014
Lost
Nicole Alyssia Nov 2014
I get lost in your eyes
With no intention
Of finding my way back...
5.9k · Oct 2015
Addiction
Nicole Alyssia Oct 2015
My breath is but a whimper
A faint hollow sound-
Inspiration, passion
Where are you hiding?

October is the cruelest month
For nostalgia creeps at every corner
Following, lurking
Seeping through my unconscious

You creep into my nightmares
I just can't seem to escape
Anxiety, cold sweats
If I didn't like it id be lying.

For months, I've felt dead
I hate you, yet I crave you
You set my pulse on fire
Yet I'm the last to admit I want this.
5.2k · Aug 2017
unrequited
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2017
each time the wind shifts;
and you
have another
change of heart
the pain always lays
somewhere in between
incredulity and incapability

          i can’t decide which
          end of the spectrum
          hurts more.
5.0k · Jan 2016
I Give Up
Nicole Alyssia Jan 2016
my body is homesick
for a place
that refuses to
accommodate me.
4.8k · Mar 2017
Corporate Conundrum
Nicole Alyssia Mar 2017
i sat awake in bed
for the past three hours,
contemplating,
"how can i do this better,
more -
efficiently?"
alas, it hits me!
its impossible to become
a busier worker bee
when you're a different species
entirely
i hear a voice within,
"spread your wings,
butterfly -
fly."
4.6k · Oct 2014
Burn Me
Nicole Alyssia Oct 2014
My heart has been engulfed
By an all consuming flame
Never mind the poison from the smoke
Nor the burning or the pain
The dancing embers of desire;
What a lovely sight to see
I choose torture from the fire
Over setting my heart free
I'd rather burn to death than live without this
4.4k · Sep 2017
narcissism 101
Nicole Alyssia Sep 2017
remember,
the only
discernment
used by
an abhorrent
parasite in
selecting a host
to extract from is

who has the most
to take from
and who is most
readily available

nothing more,
nothing less.
Nicole Alyssia May 2014
Driven by rose colored illusions
That I could fix you up enough
To fill the ubiquitous void within me

I let you blindfold me with words,
Since your half-truths were sweeter
Than the sound of my instincts

Keeping your secrets
I began to lose sight of my dreams,
Once enmeshed in your nightmare

Shifting sands of worth and devotion
Reluctantly, I played my assigned role
A figment of your rose-colored illusions

The illusion fades into reality and I see
True love could never exist
Between two fictional characters
3.8k · Aug 2017
a love affair with sadness
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2017
truthfully,

i think i enjoy wallowing in pain.
i'd rather feel angst, crippling pain,
the depths of despair,
and to cry myself to sleep at night

than to feel
dead.

so often i confuse the
longing for intensity
with the intensity of love.
3.4k · Mar 2014
The Girl Across The Room
Nicole Alyssia Mar 2014
She sits across from us in silence
Little do we know, her world is caving in
Gasping for air-
Drowning in her own skin

Her cries for help murmured by the sweet sound of denial
A comfort she knows all too well..
Desperate to belong,
Her sense of self begins to quell

The mirror is her worst enemy
The pain runs deeper than the surgeons knife
Completely broken inside
She contemplates taking her own life

Fixated on her reflection
With each glance she slowly dies inside
If only they could feel her angst,
She wouldn't hide behind her disguise

No matter how hard she tries to control
It's something like a fearless haze...
Creeping through her unconscious....
Creating the craze

She flashes us a smile,
Pretending that she's fine
Yet, she prefers to stay alone
Imprisoned by her mind.
3.3k · Nov 2013
Random Ponderings...
Nicole Alyssia Nov 2013
Why is it that we give people so much control
Over our thoughts and feelings
Over our lives and well-being?
Why is it that our hearts yearn for one thing
But that one thing
Is the most detrimental to our eudaemonia ?
Why is it that we sit around and ponder
And hope, and wish, and wait
For things to change?
When we are the sole creators of our lives
And any second can be the second
That we choose to change our situation?
Why is it that we rely so heavily on others
To find happiness
When all we have to do is create it?
Why?
3.2k · Aug 2017
Rose Garden
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2017
i've learned
that planting seeds
and tending
to a garden with
the utmost love and care
will not prevent
flowers from
wilting, shriveling
and slowly dying
      from neglect
in the hands of
a careless owner
       who buys pretty flowers
       to brighten his day,
not simply for
a love of roses
If you care about your heart, be mindful of who you give it to.

Perhaps he had a thing for tulips...? A selfish love seeks to make itself whole; relationship after relationship after relationship....
Nicole Alyssia Oct 2016
i feel you under my ribcage
and all the way down to my toes
through my veins and through my airways
as i exhale through my nose

right now, i shutter in silence
at the faint hollow sound
of you strumming on my heartstrings
somewhere in the background
sometimes they just never want you to move on
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2016
the worst part of having
a mind like mine
is how it opens the doors
and welcomes
     insanity
with open arms
2.5k · Aug 2017
Entitlement
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2017
unrequited love
pierces through my chest
- a bloodied dagger
stabs my heart
and drains me dry
but somehow i survived

you have blood on your hands.

yet somehow it's my fault
for causing the perforation
simply because
you're unwilling to see,
to admit,
that i was defending
my already wounded heart
from further betrayal

remember this -

desposing the knife,
moving to far and distance places
and eventually
finding your way back
home, to me,
does not give you the right
to seek my warmth and comfort
after you've been stabbed
by someone else.
**** me, why don't you. Own up to the part you played instead of continuing to torment and destroy whatever is left of my heart.
2.4k · Oct 2015
Rambling
Nicole Alyssia Oct 2015
Ever feel the alluring,
Nagging pull
Of someone
Thinking about you?

Perhaps I've gone completely mad
And it's just
Some type of illusion

Maybe it's just a craving....

An unequivocal need
To feel, to touch, to taste
Every inch of you

You arouse something in me...

That I ever so desperately
Try to pull from others
Where it doesn't exist

I hate to admit,
You drive me absolutely mad
Yet, I love every second of it

That inherent animalism
Makes me feel
So ******* alive

Wont you take me baby?
After all,
I'll always be yours....
2.1k · Aug 2016
Walking Dead
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2016
wake me from the dead
my lover
for my heart yearns
to beat
and my hand yearns
to write
I am nothing without a muse.... A hollow shell, going through the motions, floating lifelessly
2.1k · Aug 2017
is this worth the fight?
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2017
crawling-
on hands and knees
     as i fight my way back
     to you
entangled
in a web of memories
dragging myself through
the dead and debry
amongst
mummified thoughts
and emotions;
now stagnant,
yet petrifying none-the-less.
i'm not sure how much
more of this i can endure
with each passing day
i lose a little bit more of
     my strength and stamina;
     faith, courage

     patience.
Why am I doing this to myself? There's a fine line between idealism and fantasy. If only the former weren't so exhausting.
2.0k · Aug 2017
future faking
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2017
by nature,
i've never been
a jealous woman.
for lack of a better word
          possessive
          fits the bill
so, i guess
what ignites this
fury within
is knowing that
i'm the sole reason
why you're no longer
mine.

because,
i know deep down
you still wish you were
and perhaps
she was just a
feeble attempt at
recreating what we had.
the opposite of hate
is indeed love
which is how i know
your energy was spent
loving me
all the while.....

for now, i cling
to my fantasies
faking futures with him
that in my bones
i wish
were with you.
a future lost
can never be rewritten,
but the only good
that comes from
this realization
is that i now know
you know this
just as well as i
No one compares to you and no one compares to me. The only comfort in a lost love that will never be
1.9k · Aug 2016
Just Stop
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2016
Please,
Do not romance me with words
I've written better
Myself.
1.8k · Sep 2017
grotesque.
Nicole Alyssia Sep 2017
it's so easy
to harbor darkness
and tear others
to shreds
i suppose the outside
is a reflection of
the inside
and there's nothing
attractive about
my incessant need to
scratch, gnaw
and rip open
a scab
that hasn't fully healed
if only i could
just. stop. picking. at. it.


...i'd probably feel a lot
better.
1.7k · Sep 2017
forcing it
Nicole Alyssia Sep 2017
beginning to see
i only write about you
whenever i’m bored
Short, direct haiku; i just really want to write about something, but your love never ignited that creative flame in me. I've always had a habit of trying to pull things from places that don't exist!
1.5k · Apr 2014
Dissolute Dream
Nicole Alyssia Apr 2014
The sun rises
I wake every morning
Into a deep sleep,
Teetering between reality
And a vehement dream

Ah, the latter
A playground of torrid fantasies,
Credible delusions,
False conclusions.

I don't really like it here
This dark, chaotic, hostile place
A reflection of the deep, recesses
Of my subconscious mind.

I meander the fine line
Between these two worlds
Unable to voluntarily choose
Which I will participate in

Psychosis? Not entirely
I am well aware of the discrepancy
Yet, the pull of the latter
Is much too strong

It lures me in...
Offering solace in the form of
Anger, denial and doubt
Comforts I have grown accustom to

Time and time again I succumb
Defeated.
You see, the battle is not with you
It is within myself
1.5k · Sep 2017
Courteous Congeniality
Nicole Alyssia Sep 2017
“I mean, I don’t necessarily want to admit this”, she said rather candidly, gazing down at the stand of icy blonde hair she has been running between her index finger and thumb.

“But to be quite frank, if I heard him knock on my door whilst the winds howled and raindrops pounded the concrete…” Her gaze peers up and she looks directly into my eyes with a sullen whisper, “I don’t believe I’d care enough to even answer it."

With that I realized, he'd never be allowed back in and would be lucky enough to merely have access to her front stoop.
kind souls shouldn't feel this way, should they?
1.4k · Aug 2014
An Ode To Poetry
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2014
I am a slave to no one
Well, there's one exception -
Poetry

More like a willing servant
Available at your beckon call
Ready and willing to
r e l e a s e
What you desire me to share

The catharsis appears to come
From me
But I am nothing more
Than an instrument
A mere slave
To your greatness.
1.3k · May 2016
Defeat
Nicole Alyssia May 2016
I sit here
Like a love sick puppy
Waiting by the door
Patiently waiting
For my owner,
My lover,
My heart
To come home

I can only wonder
When I'll begin to accept,
that this will never happen
1.2k · Nov 2013
Truth
Nicole Alyssia Nov 2013
There are two sides to every story
Never mind, make that three
There’s his side, her side, and then there’s me
I’m the mirror in the room reflecting what I see

I cannot translate or pretend
Lie to cover for a friend
Choose a side I must defend
The story will eventually descend

I determine accident from intent
I’m unbiased to some extent
I see what was truly meant
To you there’s one thing I present

And that is the truth
Nicole Alyssia Nov 2017
secrets seek refuge in the darkness

there,
is where my demons find solace;
ostracized, ignored and seemingly forgotten
forced to tread the depths of my unconscious
while i give way to this self-perpetuated artifice
and swallow every evil fed to me
by the master hidden behind the curtain

i can no longer reject the notion that my demons live inside of me.
i am bound to them.

the longer i chose to ignore them,
the louder they slam and rattle these chains.
1.0k · Nov 2013
Redefined
Nicole Alyssia Nov 2013
They say to live is to die
But is death the ultimate goodbye?
Lost in the vast continuum?
Or a blessing in disguise?

Are you here, by my side?
Have you ever felt more alive?
Once in a lifetime experience
Or do our worlds coincide?

I won't cry, too much pride
Can you see how I feel inside?
I know you're here beside me
Can you read what's on my mind?

Can we reverse, or rewind?
Or has the timing been assigned?
Every moment has a purpose
Maybe death is misdefined…

You roam free, not confined
Your destiny no longer designed
Wherever this journey takes you
Forever - we'll be entwined
The words of this poem effortlessly poured from my fingertips after a childhood friends funeral. I truly feel that she was with me as I wrote this poem. To this day the thought of Gabbys passing causes me to cry, although the tears are not entirely those of sadness.

I have grown to realize that life is a precious gift, but not necessarily the end. Her death has affected so many lives, in so many different ways. I often become moved by the selflessness and strength of her soul.
914 · Jun 2015
In Search of A Muse
Nicole Alyssia Jun 2015
A contrived monologue,
brimming with empty words
cannot cure my insanity.

Perhaps there is no cure.

Just a deep craving,
an insatiable yearning
for something only
a muse can appease

For it's the muse alone that
engulfs my consciousness,
leads the pen across the paper,
permits me to paint
my dark thoughts
into a bright canvas of words.

Without my beloved,
I'm utterly uninspired;
not a writer, nor a person;
Just a maze without an exit
830 · Nov 2013
Psychoanalysis Of A Poet
Nicole Alyssia Nov 2013
What goes on inside my mind?
My vision hazy, going blind
Is this reality or just a dream?
Due to an imbalance of dopamine
Bound to a world of seclusion
Or is this yet another delusion?
The voices always lie to me
Which sets off my anxiety
Writing is my main compulsion
My sanity has faced expulsion.
815 · Aug 2017
sick over it
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2017
our hearts
bleed
into poems
that they
don't even
care to
read.
Nicole Alyssia Jan 2019
immersing myself
in the absence of actuality

to save itself, my mind
must be made numb

by simply running from
one dream to another

lured into temporary bliss
with each sip, relationship, drug, job

gravitating towards
triviality and banality

for most of my life,
i’ve done nothing but run

from myself
743 · Nov 2013
Five Senses
Nicole Alyssia Nov 2013
The taste of rejection is still sweet on my lips
The screech of denial echoes through my ears
The bigger picture can no longer be seen
The feeling drains from my numb body
The smell of regret lingering on my sheets
The thought of you still dances through my brain
Why is it that even when you are gone
You still excite my senses?
691 · Aug 2017
clockwork
Nicole Alyssia Aug 2017
i surrender myself
to time,
because what other options
are there
aside from waiting?
          “patience is a virtue”,
they say
          “faith keeps us alive”.
ha!
hope, quite literally,
annihilates the heart
chamber by chamber
valve by valve
a slow,
insidious death

treachery.
685 · Nov 2017
pretty mess.
Nicole Alyssia Nov 2017
just know,
on the other side of this skin
there is virulence….venom….rancor

you’d be a fool
to take my innocence at face value.
631 · Jul 2014
Just some words that I love
Nicole Alyssia Jul 2014
" Art is a kind of innate drive that seizes a human being and makes him its instrument.
The artist is not a person endowed with free will who seeks his own ends, but one who allows art to realize its purpose through him.
As a human being he may have moods and a will and personal aims, but as an artist he is "man" in a higher sense- he is "collective man"- one who carries and shapes the unconscious psychic forms of mankind."

- Carl Jung
611 · May 2016
I Often Wonder
582 · Dec 2013
My New Muse
Nicole Alyssia Dec 2013
I knew I had been waiting a lifetime to meet you
Because you are everything that I have ever wanted
There's something about the way you effortlessly
Set my soul on fire.

The sweet sound of your voice is like a song
That I have patiently waited to hear
For what feels like a century
Oh, my eternal piece of mind, could it be?
*That you complete me
542 · Nov 2013
Stating The Obvious
Nicole Alyssia Nov 2013
You see,
The thing with me is
I wear my heartache
Like an expensive fur coat
In a loud, flamboyant fashion
For all to see
And feel my a n g s t.
So it’s almost funny
How I question
Whether I’m capable
Of being the half to
Some else’s whole
Because I’m already well aware
Of the answer
Nicole Alyssia Nov 2013
I’m sick of being silent
When all I want to do is scream
I’m sick of saying one thing
Instead of what I really mean

I’m sick of all the sadness
That’s been brewing in my heart
I’m sick of ending one thing
Before something can even start

I’m sick of always crying
Yet pretending that I’m fine
I’m sick of letting others
Put a damper on my shine

I’m sick of writing poems
To communicate my thoughts
I’m sick of running from my problems
- never mind
I’ve been caught.
498 · Nov 2013
A Lonely Night Out
Nicole Alyssia Nov 2013
Loneliness makes wet rings on the bar
Left by the stiff drinks
Drank one after another
Gulping down shot
After shot
Not for any reason
Other than reaching obliteration

Loneliness stands outside briefly
Inhaling the consuming flame
Of a strangers cigarette
Reaching for a phone
To call anyone awake at this hour

Loneliness turns a blind eye to morality
And goes home with someone
Whatever his name is
Because anything
Is better than nothing.
470 · May 2014
Co-dependent
Nicole Alyssia May 2014
My heart on my sleeve,
It breaks
It bleeds
It beats
Entirely for you

I will love you
With everything I have

Until I love myself.
420 · Nov 2013
Regret
Nicole Alyssia Nov 2013
This silence murmurs waves of regret
How could I have given my soul
To a selfish fool?
A lesson I will never forget.
387 · May 2016
A Poem I Love
Nicole Alyssia May 2016
“I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.”
― Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets
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