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 Nov 2019 Nicole Alyssia
As I was ugly to y’all, I was never in sight even if I was there
I was someone you ignored, someone you did not care
As evanescent and transparent as dreams that fade and shimmer,
Similar to a candle that lack a wick, flames that never flicker.
Then my body became something that you wanted and I gained some pigments
And you tried to take  what you wanted from me without my consent.
You asked for my permission, politely I declined,
You refused to listen, preparing to defy

Time passes but nothing changes,
And endings come to me in way that I cant rearrange

One lover left because this time I was brave enough to say no,
But he left after insisting « you want it if i say so »
One cheated and left because I was not « the one »
I was just a body but the other girl was warm and brilliant like the sun.
It didn’t happen once, it didn’t happen twice,
It happened three times before it gave my heart a slice
One said to me « you’re beautiful but you’re not someone I see a future with to be honest »
Like we didn’t talk and laugh so late all those nights until feelings grew in my chest.
His thumbprints still on my wrist bones and handprints on my thighs,
I stared at the ceiling all night, unable to close my eyes.
One was one of my best friend and mistook my drunkeness for a perfect opportunity
He took what he wanted like the word « friend » had no sense in his vocabulary
Then he talks about me at school and work saying i’m an easy girl always ready for more
I just slept with you because I had feelings and you didn’t but never have i called you a ***** ?
Some talk to me during days and seem like great dudes
Then one night they claim that all they want from me are nudes.
Some ask for videos because I laughed about having toys in my bed stand
When I refuse in shock, they tell me they see nothing more in me than just a night stand
One dared to call himself my boyfriend but one night I called him so sad i could barely breathing
And all he said to me was « I can come over and replace your crying by some moaning”
Then he got mad when I refused to give him my adress
Cursing the day I learnt any other words besides yes
Sometimes, my body’s feeling numb, feeling stark
As I wait for another man to come over and leave his mark.

My real beauty lies underneath my skin, bereft and bound
It screams for help but utters no sound.
I wanted to be seen for what I am inside and considered my body as an enemy
I tortured it, starved myself and destroyed me
I hurt it and punched the walls to make it bleed
Trying to **** the monster that I refused to feed  

Sometimes, i would still like my body to fade away
With the wind, dancing the day away
Because maybe if i made it disappear you would have seen me
You would have seen that I am more than my body.
 Nov 2017 Nicole Alyssia
Recipe for codependency.

- Cripplingly low self-esteem.
- A mind that over-analyses everything.
- Clinginess.
- Empty, hollow feelings in the chest.

Optional for decoration and added tastiness:
- Chronic illness.
- Love.

Take all ingredients and pour them into a bowl unceremoniously;
The more carelessly, the better the batter.
Measurements aren't required, feel free to experiment
And tweak the quantities to suit your own preferences.
Take your fists and punch down, hard, repeatedly,
Until the emptiness in the chest feels full.
If you have a bigger appetite,
You might prefer to throw in some more punches.
Stop when extensive bruising appears on the chest
And you feel an immense swelling in the heart area.
The throbbing feels like a heartbeat,
And that's when you know you're on the right track.
Bake in an oven fueled with the fiery arguments
Or the passionate distractions from reality; whichever is hottest.
Day two of NaPoWriMo, which is to write poem inspired by or in the form of a recipe.
Im not the best poet and trust me I know it, but I won't let that stop me from trying. I try to find words to express what ive learned so that you may find something within them. I don't know if Im right with all my insight, but I won't let that stop me from trying.
My armour covers old festering wounds, I could mend them but id be left exposed. I bury how I feel deep down. Im trying hard to flip my frown. Its not so easy when you feel alone. Searching for a place called home. Wishing someone would just hug me, hold me tight and say they love me. Calm my fears and make me happy. Is that too much to ask for? *** comes easy love comes hard. I think that's how I lost my heart. I cant connect because I don't want to. Im scared to lose all that I fought for.
Words do not echo.
Words do not cry.
Words do not,

Scrambled and stirred,
Frozen and baked.
Pulled when needed,
Eaten to be fed.

Pieced together,
Black or white,
Laugh or fight,
Wrong or right.

A sound is bound by key,
A picture by color pigments,
Emotions chemically,
But words contain,
And absolutely,

The same word
Can be
Depending who, what, how
When it was read
Or written.

What if every word,
Was positive in meaning?
Could not
Destroy feelings.

Words have no senses.
Words have no bounds.
No touch, sight, taste, or smell.
Words have no sound.

Words have no sound.
Unless read aloud.
I write what I see,
Because I am blind.
I write what I hear,
But I am deaf.
I write what I feel,
But paralyzed.
I write what I smell,
In my burnt nose.
I write what I taste,
The only sense left,
And thank the day,
Because it can be worse.
As a writer you gotta accept a simple truth...there will be days when the pen wins while there will be days when the page triumphs.
 Oct 2017 Nicole Alyssia
Kay La
the things you'll do after emotional abuse.
They try to love you, you run.
They try to get close to you, you push them away.
They try to break down your walls, you build them higher.
And when you realize, that you are in fact all alone..
after everything's said and done..
and that emotional abuse from the past shows his face again:
you begin to self-destruct.
Crying, sobbing,, you just want to be held
but to scared to be.
Trust issues and depression begins to define you.
You have no one to blame but yourself.
& you continue to spiral,
dying inside a little more every day
until you're in your dark room, all alone once again,
and that razor blade
pretends to be your friend.
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