As I was ugly to y’all, I was never in sight even if I was there
I was someone you ignored, someone you did not care
As evanescent and transparent as dreams that fade and shimmer,
Similar to a candle that lack a wick, flames that never flicker.
Then my body became something that you wanted and I gained some pigments
And you tried to take what you wanted from me without my consent.
You asked for my permission, politely I declined,
You refused to listen, preparing to defy
Time passes but nothing changes,
And endings come to me in way that I cant rearrange
One lover left because this time I was brave enough to say no,
But he left after insisting « you want it if i say so »
One cheated and left because I was not « the one »
I was just a body but the other girl was warm and brilliant like the sun.
It didn’t happen once, it didn’t happen twice,
It happened three times before it gave my heart a slice
One said to me « you’re beautiful but you’re not someone I see a future with to be honest »
Like we didn’t talk and laugh so late all those nights until feelings grew in my chest.
His thumbprints still on my wrist bones and handprints on my thighs,
I stared at the ceiling all night, unable to close my eyes.
One was one of my best friend and mistook my drunkeness for a perfect opportunity
He took what he wanted like the word « friend » had no sense in his vocabulary
Then he talks about me at school and work saying i’m an easy girl always ready for more
I just slept with you because I had feelings and you didn’t but never have i called you a ***** ?
Some talk to me during days and seem like great dudes
Then one night they claim that all they want from me are nudes.
Some ask for videos because I laughed about having toys in my bed stand
When I refuse in shock, they tell me they see nothing more in me than just a night stand
One dared to call himself my boyfriend but one night I called him so sad i could barely breathing
And all he said to me was « I can come over and replace your crying by some moaning”
Then he got mad when I refused to give him my adress
Cursing the day I learnt any other words besides yes
Sometimes, my body’s feeling numb, feeling stark
As I wait for another man to come over and leave his mark.
My real beauty lies underneath my skin, bereft and bound
It screams for help but utters no sound.
I wanted to be seen for what I am inside and considered my body as an enemy
I tortured it, starved myself and destroyed me
I hurt it and punched the walls to make it bleed
Trying to **** the monster that I refused to feed
Sometimes, i would still like my body to fade away
With the wind, dancing the day away
Because maybe if i made it disappear you would have seen me
You would have seen that I am more than my body.