Spent a lot time being concerned about what people say about me.
Put hours in my boots and no overtime this concerns me.
Started and lost jobs but I slave till I make it again.
Refuse to leave my doors open.
I'm all good here I've changed my locks.
What'd they say about me nevermind I forgot.
I know my worth, I know the truth.
Not really worried about the words coming from you.

He got your attention
Had a lot of cute ****
Adorable intention
Now he's going to quit
Stop feeding him your attention
Ghosts are comin
Let's run away
I'll be your hero any day
You're my bestfriend
For real though all the way to the end
I hate saying forever
Because forever is a myth
Look at the **** we both dealt with
"*** don't leave"
"I'll never leave"
On a serious note i mean it boo!
Not worth it
You're a shooting star killing the darness in flames
A beautiful soul as Jesse McCartney would say
Anyway
He all the sudden is keeping distant
Why try, he proved himself, not worth it
You a hollar girl
I'm a **** up anybody that hurts your world
Not worth it darling

I'm in need now
I've got no room to
Burry in my feelings now
I'm a just lay down
And daydream about
True love now.
Writing and singing
Hoping I'm mentally "succeeding"
I've got this
Just hoping and praying for my one wish
I'm realizing I'm falling apart

Never mind after all it was just a kiss.
Let's just pretend my presence wasn't a gift. I'll just pretend I've also got a replacement & some one to chill with.
With my sweet words giving you a laugh, my sweets just now got bitter & I'm a turn my back. Every night I've learned to never wish, it's pretty simple to find a good night kiss. It was love on top of my wish list. But you're all playing with me so it's hard to find comfort with words you've never meant. I should of act out the words I never said. I refuse to beg, signs told me I should of been the one leaving y'all on read. Never mind the feels I've ever gave. But your betrayal would never put me into a grave. Never mind a fake promise I'm a adventure out for someone great.

I've been paralyzed as soon as the light leaves me.
Paranoid by sound because every sound I hear maybe sinister.
I grip my blankets as if I were in a safe zone.
The darkness creeps on me when I'm alone.
I swear the silence in this area Screams at me to get out.
I don't want to be here.
I just want to sleep in peace,
but I fear I'll end up six feet below your feet.
Body aches from tensing up,
I don't think I'm alone anymore.
Eyes glancing all around to to be sure,
But I feel like I'm being watched and I don't feel so secure.
I'm trapped here Until Dawn.
Hello Darkness, how have you been?
I am unsure if you met my depression my good old friend.

Sky bright as gold
Pumpkins filled the side of the road
Picked up a latte some s'mores
About to have a fire after these chores
I enjoy the colors everywhere when I go driving
Horror movies on standby because they're exciting
Treats all moth long
Candy corns and chocolate in my belly
Chubby happy Nellie
What else can go wrong? :P

Offering peace for those who are decent.
The struggle is real why waste time arguing. I forgive to forget, I don't hold on to a regret. I let that go, I'll feel better sooner than tomorrow. I'm Offering or they're Offering peace. I'm at ease.

I've lost the motive to look at my phone
I just pretend I'm mentally not home.
I repeat my advice on the daily.
No one, no one, not one will take my advice.
They do what they want as they collect some more lies.
Now I'm the bad guy.
I had a friend who was an amazing girl.
Her flaws criticized me and took me for granted and lied to me.
She was supposed to be a forever bestie.
Ended up homeless because of her, still stayed by her side.
Look at me now, a independent good guy.
Despite me being decent, I've always got a secret. Isolation time because I don't trust anybody.
Went fishing with a homie and apparently I'm the one that was jealous.
Jealous of what? Last I check I had my heart open, and she couldn't keep her legs closed. Left her heart exposed. Then mad up the lie about me being drunk all the time. Whatever good bye. I ended it before she had a say. Well thats my writing rant of the day.

Exhausted
Wide awake
Hesitant
Confident
Ready
Distant
Confused

Always hurts to let go
Beginning to find a goal
Feels like everything is caving in
Where do i begin
I'm going through anxiety
Everything hurts mentally
Is this depression or a form of guilt
According to everyone I'm not myself
Sobering up to regain health
I've got a plan
Hopefully one day pwople i love and care about will understand

I admit, my poems depressed.
But don't judge me.
We're all going through our own issues.
I'm going to search for you restless.
You'll be sleeping with one eye
About to scrap you and make you cry.
You mad bro?
You gullible when it comes to trust?
I'm a ******* up!
Burry you in the back of your head
Making you regret the **** you said
I'm a just get started
I'm a enjoy the pain i receive
No pain relief
Hard to believe?
I learn at my worse
I'm a put your judgment brain to work
Burry you six foot deep
No wake because you're sound asleep
Deteriorate your feeling
Got some bleach
You can't reach
Hush
Shhhh
Shhhh shhhh
Now whose the cry baby
I'm a survivor been on my toes lately

Alcohol
Copenhagen
Marb 100's
Cola
Journal
Seems like that's all I can turn too
Loud music to my ears to take me to a different place
Don't tell me how I feel
I'm ready to write about darkness
Hopefully give someone a spotlight
Thanks to self destruction
I've lost self respect
But I'm a climb up and punch myself in the face
I'm just exhausted
Don't need myself to hate me
I'm a let go because that's just the dark reality

Subject
Projects
Rejected
Why me?
Stable job
I swear luxury isn't real
But everybody compared to me has it
Subliminal hits attacks me
******* reality
Sporadic illness
About to retaliate this
Eminem had a dream he was king
He woke up still a king
And then took himself to a ringer
I'm just a stranger
Relating so much am I in danger
How many mistakes will it take to be okay again
Will it be momentarily then?
**** it I'm a work on myself
Revival if the fitness self centered ******
But my walls are in process of being made out of bricks
Y'all just made me ****
Contagious or not
This is something I'm bout to knock
Hopefully cure it all
Watch the rose pedals fall
I love sunflowers
Feels more like home
All though i dont know what home is
So ***** the critical subliminal hints
I'm a just do me and thats how i envision it

I will always be the one to burn,
Scooped my ashes and spread them in the air. I'll always be ready to learn, I won't care. The feelings are spreading in the air.
So what! I'm no alcoholic, I just simply got neurotic. In between conflicts and places with all conversations I'm a bit sporadic. 12 pack by my side, sipping a dozen. Alone the the darkness I hide, gave it my all for nothin.
My anxiety up high, the past catching up everytime I was ready to say bye. Ask me to be happy, I'm always going to isolate and begin acting. Where's the benzodiazepines?
I Want to forget everything for a little bit.

I've shared your love
I've shared it everytime I felt hollow
With the way my lips were touched it'd be impossible to swallow
But then a bottle of emotions drowned with my thoughts
The way it's all empty, the way the sudden goodbyes made me feel so numb
I lie there pretending to be okay as these sleeping pills make me feel so awake
Maybe another pill might take the edge off.
I look at her eyes as if they saw my prescription
Diagnosed love failure, happens more than once a day
Then I've realized I've overdosed off of her smiles and touch
I'd a gave my life to those bottles
A sip of desire, one shot of pleasure.
But a dose of our toxic habits and goodbyes.
Sorry love, you don't get to worry about my addictions anymore.
I ruined it....remember?

Depression & attention both have one thing in common, but always have a different direction.
One can be sudden, one can be annoying, hell one can ruin your choice in affection with ones you love.
Either attention craves you as you lay in bed paralyzed or you're pleading for love as everyone's screens captures they're soul.
A cry for help with no actions or words are being heard.
I once loved so ******* much it was impossible to trust & important for me to set healthy relationships with boundaries & communication was awesome. Attention was filled to the brim & depression wasn't over flowing. Now I'm depressed & have no attention. Well at least the attention I crave. I'm falling in love with strangers, I'm over loving people who take me for granted. I can't stop loving as if the DAM you gave me collapsed & now I'm over flowing with false hope. I guess the difference between **** you and dam me have a cause & affect. The difference is.... I **** myself for opening up to you.

Attention temporary
Messages spammed
Messages empty
All that happens to quickly
Vulnerable again
Why bother hitting send
I am starting to see everyone a ghost
Feelings are haunted
I'm officially ghosted

Ran out of gas
At last
I know the limit
Cold out I'm be here for a good minute
Everyones busy or sleeping
Sorry for the bother I'm not creeping
Just cold
Well I can hang here my skins bold
At least theres a little heat
Wearing slippers now I've got cold feat

I'm always alone in this darkness
**** happiness
I'm caught up on a streak again. Want to smash some heads open. I've got a motive to prove I'm atleast a decent human being. But why do I feel like a ghost. No shame I equally don't like you the most. I hate ugly personality. Since I'm invisible I can get away with haunting all your petty. Dark motives ready. At least I ******* stick to my words and impulsively help others in need. Put jerks before me. I'm a be better off you'll see. A better journey is all I seek. Just don't play me, because I'll put you down and mock you to a nursery. I've rarely saw light, I'm fairly shady. Pretty sure you had it easier. Bet most of you had daddy issues? Well I can give you advise walk the opposite way he did. Just like when you were a little kid. Not everyone sticks around. Might as well have fun when your going to be hitting the ground. Here since we being petty, I'll play along and pretend I'm in luxury. Because with this game I'm a still survive cuz I know my trajectory.

So soft and buttery
I began stuttering
Come in circles
Devoured in squares
For this feast I prepare
Extra syrup please
Put chocolate chips and some blueberries
Pancakes are a perfect tradition
I'll flex on the recognition
Pancake after pancake
Devoured till I've got a belly ache

Once upon a job, I've gained a best friend.
Once upon a girl, she ****** off as if it's the end.
Gave me a warning, a painful debate led to a loss.
I guess I'll take my bies self off the planet, I'll forever love you here's my feelings you can shatter it.
I'm sorry for being more than enough, I understood your frustration but a debate between rejoice and friendship was tough. Your friendship with me had sailed, left me with no life jacket and my rejoice almost failed.
A Bies friend became my new name
2 week ***** became hers
If I've learned anything I must have been some *****
**** hurt when you left and I'm too afraid to get close to any one anymore
Now I'm a stranger

I've spent a lot time hiding
Spent years fighting
My tears, my depression, all all relating to all these dark reasons.
I can't understand anymore feeling I'm floating so slow.
Mental chills and I'm laying down listening to my fail calls.
Voicemals all i hear.
Where has time gone?
When will I be happy again?
I'm in the wrong but in my defense not everything felt right.
Love is something I'm now passionate about.
I don't care what happens in my life.
At this point I'm almost ready to let life bring somewhere.
"Not dealling with this **** again"
So what my questions are the same.
I didn't get a answer again so my predictions and insecurities must be true.
Go ahead, I'm now a door mat.
But at least I can stay on ground.
No longer floating because I clipped on to a anchore.
I'm a cheat.
I'm a liar.
I'm a alcoholic.
Abuser.
What I'm now?
What am I tomorrow?
You know at this point i don't care.
I'm working on myself so **** the cute nicknames.

Always wanted to be able to stay safe.
Mentally struggle everyday.
People come to me, but I keep my mouth shut.
All sealed till I'm drunk.
Drunk conversations to let myself go off!
Feels like I'm dropping like a rock!
Told the ones I love, that I'll keep my head above.
Lost it all sinking, then I began drinking!
Whatever I've done wouldn't matter do to my run.
Past chasing me and sometimes catches up.
Never gave up but got too close.
Mistakes made by the path I chose.
Hyperventilating trying my best to keep up for shore.
But people I love and care for wouldn't want to be there anymore.
I'm a pack up my **** and leave again.
But my as will stay open.

Past go away, stop replaying in my head.
Our love is dead.
I'm watching my past like a movie on repeat
Tears forming drowning my feet
You and I were a storm
Use to be amazing and warm
Now I'm a enemy
Past please leave me be
I've got no fight left in me
I'm just so empty
Unattractive is something I've accomplished
Ignoring my success because my flaws have published
As the night takes me away
I seek a new mental place
Past go away
I don't need false hope
I just want to officially happily let go

Sitting at a bench sipping on a london fog
Leaves crisp at my feet
Warm sun and a cold breeze
Sun setting and I'm chilling in a hoodie
Skies clear and the trees golden orange
Pumpkin spice popular by the bonfire
I love this weather S'more
It's like star gazing
Weather perfect and life's amazing
Shooting stars and autumn leaves
London fog and crisp leaves at my feet
On a bench by the fire
This weather just made everything seem so much brighter

I'm far so greatful for picking up a pen
In the end I've always been able to learn how to win
A struggle hits and that's where the writing began
I'm my own fan
Ever struggled so much someone's else struggle was a walk in the park
So you went out and stitched up their heart?
That happens way too much for me
But a pen really saved me
I've always felt alright
Always eager to write
Found a true best friend
Love always my good pen

I've got a grudge on commitment
I don't care about the next achievement
But I give my penmanship the emotions I should've with my life
"Put down the bottle and pick up your pen!"
How about you mind your own and think again. This is the only place I can go to, only home I'll feel closer too.
These pages have seen me curse, but I swear upon a time I've been through worse. I'll write on anything, as long as if I write down a feeling. People tell me don't scribble, you've been writing so neatly. But it's a doodle I'm not done yet, not completely. Scratch paper my welcoming company. I know what to write, when things feel right. But I won't give up, especially not overnight. Ever make everything a poem or atleast a rhyming statement? Must be just me, I argue that I've got another disagreement. Pencils to help me erase, pens to keep a neat but messy place. Learned to impress myself with my mental conversation. But I'm writing to keep up with motivation. There's no one nor nothing else I'd rather talk to. But you've never interrupted or judged me for the **** put you through. That bottle gave me shots, but it was you who kept me sober. I never fell off with my thoughts, you've helped me to climb over. Thank you for bright and dark moments of my life. I'll continue to keep my penmanship with a drink Tonight. That I can cheers too with some delight.

There is so much power with my paper and pen.
Lately I can't express anything verbally again
But I can write upon a struggle
Once upon a success but failure to my stress
Hand over my crossed heart from the devil
A fallen spawn but feels like a darker level
I've fallen to walking with a crutch
Now I'm trusting a little too much
But I'm vigilant as ****
It just doesn't feel like enough
Ever just want to avoid just to get a break?
A pen to express these feelings on a piece of paper
I rant or a therapy session ready to read later
A document to fall back on
Aesson to learn upon
It is now a favor
Saved by my pen and paper

I forget how to breathe, don't know if I should speak. Why does this happen to me? Seconds turn to hours filled with anxiety. Picked up my phone for me to drop a call. Shy and feel the nerves and all.
I've got phone anxiety, feels like every one is after me. This is driving me mad, forget the conversation because I'm feeling bad.
So difficult what do I say?
Hard to ask a simple question like how was your day?
Each call I answer feels like mockery
Phone anxiety
This is a rough part of me

I'd pick you flowers from the field
Words from the most amazing individual I've met in my life
A independent woman to treat anyone right
Genuine beauty
Genuine soul
Unique and beautiful
R.I.P forever with hopes to cross you again
But until then I've been struggling with the world lately
Hanging on barely
A beautiful tragedy
I'm trusting less
Living to forget
Always depressed
Now I'm wishing I was in a field picking flowers for someone to love and adore me
Remind me what it's like to be happy
Fighting off the world during rotation
I'm at war with my imaginations
Loved ones checking on me
I've forgotten to live my reality
Pick me flowers and leave them by my journals
I'll be back later

Been a good minute since I've talked to a piece of a paper.
Had to sharpen my pencil to get the get the words right.
Hope to meet my notebook again.

Life is all about the media.
you can express with out poetry just look at the comments.
It should be about working it out realizing there is an issue.

Can I just write and lock it all away?
what is it all about now?
Earn respect people, don't enforce it.

I use a piece of paper for a get away.
I have compassion for anyone you needs it.
Now there is nothing on here.

You'll find my truck full of cans
Full of bottles
Full of harsh pills I swallowed
I wasted it all then made me swallow
Look at these empty bottles
Blacked out speeding
Pillshot with me feeding
Razor blades has me bleeding
I'm floating in chub lake
You too late
I already did break
Any stories like this can relate?
I was long gone before i knew it
**** to much
Now you'll never see my one motive because I've already drowned
literally
Now leaving spiritually
Not rightfully
I was vulnerable with no help
Whats new, now I've got zero health
I pilled that trigger and forgot
Eyes bloodshot
Weakness made me drop
This is my pillshot

Started off small, worked my way up. Was sick and tired of false love. Got some antidepressants just to chill. Needed a relief so I swallowed another pill. Mentally not okay, but physically fine. Washed my so called sins with the holly wine.  Gave up and put stronger alcohol in to my system. So much for wisdom. Pillshot with my eyes bloodshot. I can get use to this. If this feeling went away it'd be something i miss. All this addictions in high hope to stay alive. How ironic if I stopped i may say goodbye.
Part one....

Reality stronger than my dose,
I wanted to take something just as close.
One good handful is all I need. Leave the bottle alone with me. Eyes bloodshot, all the drinks and pills I've got. My securities drowning, no life jacket so now I'm hollow and floating. The amount I've consumed for my world to move slow, is it possible to really overdose?
SSRI's  talked to me softly, I'm yelling at myself to walk slowly. Heart begging violently. Oh you're triggered? Pill that trigger and bust out a shot. Cheers ***** that's a pillshot.

I'm floating in chub lake
Drowning myself because of life aches
Handfull of pills
Eye drops because of the cheap thrills
Loss of self respect
Already another regret
Handful please
I'm about to be pillshot
Don't know what I've got
Didn't mean to concern others who aren't truly there
Why should anyone care?
Pettiness everywhere
Not everythings about me I get that
I'm just tough on myself because none of ******* feel that
Try to wake up with my thoughts
Try me
I'm a pillshot myself in this lake
Handfull pilled the trigger
Where's my bottle of jack?
Ready for the "next life"
To hopefully get it all back

I woke up with some xanax. Realized I've got some more to text. What's next? I don't know, I'm already anxious asf time to go. Make my feels glow. Rightfully no. I just want to end it, this isn't healthy. What do you mean y'all care about me. I hate me. Zoloft, benzodiazepines, melatonin, SSRI's got me begging for a stronger dose what a surprise. Give me my bottle, bout to make me sleep see you tomorrow. I can't blame anyone else but myself. Struggling to stop but at the same time it's not helping. But atleast it's something. Hush Nellie stop talking. Swallow a depressant and stay silent. Nobody has to know. What can they even do? If they knew? What they're gonna hold you? Yeah right, no ones stuck around to watch you stick up and fight. You're close to losing life. Pill the trigger and commit to the pillshot.
Part three.....

I refused to be hurt again, but it was me who left my feelings open. The avoidance of conversations that are too deep.
A heart is expensive and I gave mine to you for free.
Couldn't believe you cheated on me.
A trillion apologies and false promises to gaze upon.
I gave you one apology that left you confused.
I told you I was sorry for staying behind and trusting you.
My biggest regret was me relearning the trust and faith I had in you.
I can't sleep, I'm too depressed to eat.
Hearing your voice made it difficult to breathe,
I don't understand how you did this to me.
I trusted you to go out and drink, then you chose to cheat
(willingly)
I gave you my world while yours was on fire.
But you turned out to be a liar.
Gave you advice,
but you used it to manipulate me.

I started up the game. The last i played was back in December of 2019 and the other memory slot was back in the summer. Back when we was fishing and taking turns gaming. It was so muggy but we didn't care. We had cheap fans and cold drinks. Things were kind of okay again. Amazing how fast all that dissapeared. Those days gone. :,(