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Nellie 55 Feb 2020
Ran out of gas
At last
I know the limit
Cold out I'm be here for a good minute
Everyones busy or sleeping
Sorry for the bother I'm not creeping
Just cold
Well I can hang here my skins bold
At least theres a little heat
Wearing slippers now I've got cold feat
:p
Nellie 55 Mar 2020
:p
I'm always alone in this darkness
**** happiness
I'm caught up on a streak again. Want to smash some heads open. I've got a motive to prove I'm atleast a decent human being. But why do I feel like a ghost. No shame I equally don't like you the most. I hate ugly personality. Since I'm invisible I can get away with haunting all your petty. Dark motives ready. At least I ******* stick to my words and impulsively help others in need. Put jerks before me. I'm a be better off you'll see. A better journey is all I seek. Just don't play me, because I'll put you down and mock you to a nursery. I've rarely saw light, I'm fairly shady. Pretty sure you had it easier. Bet most of you had daddy issues? Well I can give you advise walk the opposite way he did. Just like when you were a little kid. Not everyone sticks around. Might as well have fun when your going to be hitting the ground. Here since we being petty, I'll play along and pretend I'm in luxury. Because with this game I'm a still survive cuz I know my trajectory.
Nellie 55 Dec 2020
So soft and buttery
I began stuttering
Come in circles
Devoured in squares
For this feast I prepare
Extra syrup please
Put chocolate chips and some blueberries
Pancakes are a perfect tradition
I'll flex on the recognition
Pancake after pancake
Devoured till I've got a belly ache
Nellie 55 Aug 13
Once upon a job, I've gained a best friend.
Once upon a girl, she ****** off as if it's the end.
Gave me a warning, a painful debate led to a loss.
I guess I'll take my bies self off the planet, I'll forever love you here's my feelings you can shatter it.
I'm sorry for being more than enough, I understood your frustration but a debate between rejoice and friendship was tough. Your friendship with me had sailed, left me with no life jacket and my rejoice almost failed.
A Bies friend became my new name
2 week ***** became hers
If I've learned anything I must have been some *****
**** hurt when you left and I'm too afraid to get close to any one anymore
Now I'm a stranger
Nellie 55 Nov 2019
I've spent a lot time hiding
Spent years fighting
My tears, my depression, all all relating to all these dark reasons.
I can't understand anymore feeling I'm floating so slow.
Mental chills and I'm laying down listening to my fail calls.
Voicemals all i hear.
Where has time gone?
When will I be happy again?
I'm in the wrong but in my defense not everything felt right.
Love is something I'm now passionate about.
I don't care what happens in my life.
At this point I'm almost ready to let life bring somewhere.
"Not dealling with this **** again"
So what my questions are the same.
I didn't get a answer again so my predictions and insecurities must be true.
Go ahead, I'm now a door mat.
But at least I can stay on ground.
No longer floating because I clipped on to a anchore.
I'm a cheat.
I'm a liar.
I'm a alcoholic.
Abuser.
What I'm now?
What am I tomorrow?
You know at this point i don't care.
I'm working on myself so **** the cute nicknames.
Nellie 55 Dec 2020
Always wanted to be able to stay safe.
Mentally struggle everyday.
People come to me, but I keep my mouth shut.
All sealed till I'm drunk.
Drunk conversations to let myself go off!
Feels like I'm dropping like a rock!
Told the ones I love, that I'll keep my head above.
Lost it all sinking, then I began drinking!
Whatever I've done wouldn't matter do to my run.
Past chasing me and sometimes catches up.
Never gave up but got too close.
Mistakes made by the path I chose.
Hyperventilating trying my best to keep up for shore.
But people I love and care for wouldn't want to be there anymore.
I'm a pack up my **** and leave again.
But my as will stay open.
Nellie 55 May 2020
Past go away, stop replaying in my head.
Our love is dead.
I'm watching my past like a movie on repeat
Tears forming drowning my feet
You and I were a storm
Use to be amazing and warm
Now I'm a enemy
Past please leave me be
I've got no fight left in me
I'm just so empty
Unattractive is something I've accomplished
Ignoring my success because my flaws have published
As the night takes me away
I seek a new mental place
Past go away
I don't need false hope
I just want to officially happily let go
Nellie 55 Jul 2015
Oh darling I keep hoping you will jump in.
Time does its work and I have day dreamt all day.
I know I should wait but I am missing someone I have yet to meet.
So far it's imaginary but I know it will be special.
I just want to send this out there.
Be patient and Love may come sooner then a blink of an eye.
I am more than willing to wait for the one whom will be by my side for the rest of my life
N.A.H
Nellie 55 Jul 2020
Sitting at a bench sipping on a london fog
Leaves crisp at my feet
Warm sun and a cold breeze
Sun setting and I'm chilling in a hoodie
Skies clear and the trees golden orange
Pumpkin spice popular by the bonfire
I love this weather S'more
It's like star gazing
Weather perfect and life's amazing
Shooting stars and autumn leaves
London fog and crisp leaves at my feet
On a bench by the fire
This weather just made everything seem so much brighter
Nellie 55 Aug 2020
Laying in a field of dandelions, buzzin like a bee. Phones off leave me be. No one I want to see. Out here in the peace, ready to think. Ready for a late night breeze.
All I can do is watch the sky darken.
Pen
Nellie 55 May 2021
Pen
I'm far so greatful for picking up a pen
In the end I've always been able to learn how to win
A struggle hits and that's where the writing began
I'm my own fan
Ever struggled so much someone's else struggle was a walk in the park
So you went out and stitched up their heart?
That happens way too much for me
But a pen really saved me
I've always felt alright
Always eager to write
Found a true best friend
Love always my good pen
Nellie 55 Feb 2021
I've got a grudge on commitment
I don't care about the next achievement
But I give my penmanship the emotions I should've with my life
"Put down the bottle and pick up your pen!"
How about you mind your own and think again. This is the only place I can go to, only home I'll feel closer too.
These pages have seen me curse, but I swear upon a time I've been through worse. I'll write on anything, as long as if I write down a feeling. People tell me don't scribble, you've been writing so neatly. But it's a doodle I'm not done yet, not completely. Scratch paper my welcoming company. I know what to write, when things feel right. But I won't give up, especially not overnight. Ever make everything a poem or atleast a rhyming statement? Must be just me, I argue that I've got another disagreement. Pencils to help me erase, pens to keep a neat but messy place. Learned to impress myself with my mental conversation. But I'm writing to keep up with motivation. There's no one nor nothing else I'd rather talk to. But you've never interrupted or judged me for the **** put you through. That bottle gave me shots, but it was you who kept me sober. I never fell off with my thoughts, you've helped me to climb over. Thank you for bright and dark moments of my life. I'll continue to keep my penmanship with a drink Tonight. That I can cheers too with some delight.
Nellie 55 May 2021
There is so much power with my paper and pen.
Lately I can't express anything verbally again
But I can write upon a struggle
Once upon a success but failure to my stress
Hand over my crossed heart from the devil
A fallen spawn but feels like a darker level
I've fallen to walking with a crutch
Now I'm trusting a little too much
But I'm vigilant as ****
It just doesn't feel like enough
Ever just want to avoid just to get a break?
A pen to express these feelings on a piece of paper
I rant or a therapy session ready to read later
A document to fall back on
Aesson to learn upon
It is now a favor
Saved by my pen and paper
Nellie 55 Aug 2020
I forget how to breathe, don't know if I should speak. Why does this happen to me? Seconds turn to hours filled with anxiety. Picked up my phone for me to drop a call. Shy and feel the nerves and all.
I've got phone anxiety, feels like every one is after me. This is driving me mad, forget the conversation because I'm feeling bad.
So difficult what do I say?
Hard to ask a simple question like how was your day?
Each call I answer feels like mockery
Phone anxiety
This is a rough part of me
Nellie 55 May 2015
Been a good minute since I've talked to a piece of a paper.
Had to sharpen my pencil to get the get the words right.
Hope to meet my notebook again.

Life is all about the media.
you can express with out poetry just look at the comments.
It should be about working it out realizing there is an issue.

Can I just write and lock it all away?
what is it all about now?
Earn respect people, don't enforce it.

I use a piece of paper for a get away.
I have compassion for anyone you needs it.
Now there is nothing on here.
N.A.H
Nellie 55 Mar 2020
You'll find my truck full of cans
Full of bottles
Full of harsh pills I swallowed
I wasted it all then made me swallow
Look at these empty bottles
Blacked out speeding
Pillshot with me feeding
Razor blades has me bleeding
I'm floating in chub lake
You too late
I already did break
Any stories like this can relate?
I was long gone before i knew it
**** to much
Now you'll never see my one motive because I've already drowned
literally
Now leaving spiritually
Not rightfully
I was vulnerable with no help
Whats new, now I've got zero health
I pilled that trigger and forgot
Eyes bloodshot
Weakness made me drop
This is my pillshot
Nellie 55 Mar 2020
Started off small, worked my way up. Was sick and tired of false love. Got some antidepressants just to chill. Needed a relief so I swallowed another pill. Mentally not okay, but physically fine. Washed my so called sins with the holly wine.  Gave up and put stronger alcohol in to my system. So much for wisdom. Pillshot with my eyes bloodshot. I can get use to this. If this feeling went away it'd be something i miss. All this addictions in high hope to stay alive. How ironic if I stopped i may say goodbye.
Part one....
Nellie 55 Mar 2022
Reality stronger than my dose,
I wanted to take something just as close.
One good handful is all I need. Leave the bottle alone with me. Eyes bloodshot, all the drinks and pills I've got. My securities drowning, no life jacket so now I'm hollow and floating. The amount I've consumed for my world to move slow, is it possible to really overdose?
SSRI's  talked to me softly, I'm yelling at myself to walk slowly. Heart begging violently. Oh you're triggered? Pill that trigger and bust out a shot. Cheers ***** that's a pillshot.
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
I'm floating in chub lake
Drowning myself because of life aches
Handfull of pills
Eye drops because of the cheap thrills
Loss of self respect
Already another regret
Handful please
I'm about to be pillshot
Don't know what I've got
Didn't mean to concern others who aren't truly there
Why should anyone care?
Pettiness everywhere
Not everythings about me I get that
I'm just tough on myself because none of ******* feel that
Try to wake up with my thoughts
Try me
I'm a pillshot myself in this lake
Handfull pilled the trigger
Where's my bottle of jack?
Ready for the "next life"
To hopefully get it all back
Nellie 55 Mar 2020
I woke up with some xanax. Realized I've got some more to text. What's next? I don't know, I'm already anxious asf time to go. Make my feels glow. Rightfully no. I just want to end it, this isn't healthy. What do you mean y'all care about me. I hate me. Zoloft, benzodiazepines, melatonin, SSRI's got me begging for a stronger dose what a surprise. Give me my bottle, bout to make me sleep see you tomorrow. I can't blame anyone else but myself. Struggling to stop but at the same time it's not helping. But atleast it's something. Hush Nellie stop talking. Swallow a depressant and stay silent. Nobody has to know. What can they even do? If they knew? What they're gonna hold you? Yeah right, no ones stuck around to watch you stick up and fight. You're close to losing life. Pill the trigger and commit to the pillshot.
Part three.....
Nellie 55 Aug 2020
eyes blood shot, happiness is something long forgot. Always losing train of thought. Pills in one hand, alcohol in the other. Razors by my side, depression winning and taking over. Why is it impossible to stay sober. I dreamt of love and woke up broken. Pillshot returned and half tempted to split these veins open.
I've got pills for days, emotionally confused by these waves. Shredding the shore, no life support. Floating but yet still drowning. Pills flooding my throat, liquor making new waves. I swear there isn't a vacation away from the dark. Just dimness surrounding the world. Options limited, wished for the best and got the worse. Suffocating slowly as the love deteriorate. Pill the trigger and poor me a shot.
Nellie 55 Jul 2022
I refused to be hurt again, but it was me who left my feelings open. The avoidance of conversations that are too deep.
A heart is expensive and I gave mine to you for free.
Couldn't believe you cheated on me.
A trillion apologies and false promises to gaze upon.
I gave you one apology that left you confused.
I told you I was sorry for staying behind and trusting you.
My biggest regret was me relearning the trust and faith I had in you.
I can't sleep, I'm too depressed to eat.
Hearing your voice made it difficult to breathe,
I don't understand how you did this to me.
I trusted you to go out and drink, then you chose to cheat
(willingly)
I gave you my world while yours was on fire.
But you turned out to be a liar.
Gave you advice,
but you used it to manipulate me.
Nellie 55 Apr 2020
I started up the game. The last i played was back in December of 2019 and the other memory slot was back in the summer. Back when we was fishing and taking turns gaming. It was so muggy but we didn't care. We had cheap fans and cold drinks. Things were kind of okay again. Amazing how fast all that dissapeared. Those days gone. :,(
Nellie 55 Nov 2019
I am still daydreaming
Thought I had it figured out
Please forgive me
I still love you
Beautiful girl
You are still my world
My smiles are faking
My hearts aching
I'm still breaking
Please know I rather have you happy
Please know i want you back
I'm here crying because it was the past that threw us off track
Don't mean the past was right
I can't help this feeling I'm so alone
Wish I can just have you pick up the phone
I know you're still on it
But I've not words because you didn't want to have it
My chest aches because my tears flooded a whole new planet
My heart remains you can still have it
Nellie 55 Jun 2023
She's dated the wrong guys, but she'll forever be strong in my eyes. Here's a crown, darling don't drown. Either way I'll pull the weight and be your life jacket. Here's my attention, you can have it. I've got a crush, her smile made me blush. Time around you would be more than enough. I'm afraid of being open too, ask my wrist..... they've put me to shame, used my own name in vain. But now I'm clean, trying to settle and do **** for me. But then you appeared and illuminated me. Sorry for my drunk comments my thirst were redirected into a different mind set. But I'm far more happier that we met.
Nellie 55 Jun 2023
I'd be more than happy to spend any sort of time next to you. A spot on the bench to watch the seasons fly past our eyes. From gloomy days to gold in the skies. A drink of London fogs to hear about each other's day at work. Stories from our past, I've got the chills thinking and wishing you could be mine. For what it's worth.....That's all that's been on my mind. A duo's, a couple, an even love. But darling what do I have to do to be more than enough?
Nellie 55 Oct 2022
I never understood it when people liked me or wanted me to hang out. I've always been the social one but I'm low key not as social as you think. I still am more than happy to have the ones who make me tag along because I can't picture myself anywhere else. I found the good in every person I met. They're a few I found love for. Especially the ones I snap, text, call, or even have a drink with. My insecurities got weaker & my confidence grew stronger because you helped me through a few things. That is more than I can ever ask for ^_^ love you guys for that, Especially for the support when I do drunk poetry 🤣
Nellie 55 Nov 2020
Lately I've been concerned about your health
Always wished you the best and hope you stay well
Fallen tears dry down your cold skin
But hopefully I can hug you again
Your pictures pressed against my chest
Where your head use to rest
You only deserve the best
I want you to leave safely and go
Somewhere safe so your smile continues to glow
Lately I've been losing service on my phone
Where I work I'll be lucky to send a message I just wish you were home
These thoughts break me
Not even as cold as this cracked smile thats blank or empty
Darling you need to leave him
Start over again
The best of life starts from scratch
Nellie 55 Oct 2023
Low key trying to respect myself. I've been battling some mental health. It's concerning to my loved ones and they believe I need to seek some help. Have been ignoring myself,  I'm no stranger to hell. My heart pleads, got my soul praying on my knees, and impulsive thoughts to make these wrists bleed. Never ever felt so weak. So I'm see myself, when I'm ready I'll get some help. Slowly working out by itself. No concerns here. I've been repairing my heart, I've built up these walls. I'm defending my emotions, I black myself out I'm a lose more than just my control. A sip of dark liquor to illuminate my way. I'm drowning in shots that drown me in their waves. I'm lying in bed telling the world I'm okay! I'm getting wasted to dance away my internal pain. I'm conflicted and I forget how to find my way. I'm on a date with regret and depression. I laugh out loud and take more shots to feel nothing.
Would rather slam Bourbon and Whiskey.
Nellie 55 Feb 2023
My key to my heart can be duplicated here is your copy. This heart is your home too you should always be welcomed. The porch light will be on to ensure you can get somewhere safely on your darkest of days. Hopefully you can be enlightened by my attempts to ensure your safety. Here's my hand don't be afraid to take it or hold it when you're fading mentally. Stay as long as you need to, the porch light guide you. Lock the door behind you, I'll welcome you with a hug. Sometimes you just need to be reminded that you are loved.
Nellie 55 Mar 2020
I want to end it.
Pack a hand full of sentimental valued ****.
Then go elsewhere to split.
I want to end me
Nobody else can see
Cruelty
Now you're wondering why I'm so "Happy"
The ******* think?
I'm a step outside
Run into a dark forest
Looking for creatures that want to play
Maybe get taken a way
Invade a new space
Hearts bout to race
I'm a escape
No happy ending
Heres dark letters I'm sending
"Okay" "fine"
Are feelings I'm pretending
The voices in my head
Reliving nothing but regret
Wondering why they all left
Will someone just appreciate me?
I'm ******* ready to leave
Loneliness is all i achieve
Not including others
By why explain?
I'm a hide in this dark forever to play and pray and hope it's rains
Feelings burning in flames
Nellie 55 Jun 2022
we began to snap
we began to talk
it's cute to see her shy
I would love to see her smile
A distant half and half can potentially make a whole
I wonder if she feels the same way?
Nellie 55 Nov 2020
I'm searching for the right girl
Plenty in the world
Hopefully the right one will be special
I know I've got potential
By the time I clean myself
I'll be able to keep the dark doors shut
She can take the key
Hopefully she'll keep me happy
We've all got potential
On the search for something special
I swear I'm real
I'll be the protector I've got a strong shield
Love makes us blind
But the guidance of a hand gives comfort time
My hearts open but protected
Was going to pick off where I left it
Will rebuild and shoot my shot
Potentially special for someone and failing will be fought
Nellie 55 Mar 2020
Every time they hurt me, I glance up daydreaming to be in a safer place.
I'm just done, hurts way to much. I'm exhausted. not fully rested. I don't even know what to do, don't know where to go?
little did anyone know, my life is just a mess. I'm just so ******* depressed. Alone and vulnerable. watching everyone happy, ask me and I'll just pretend as if nothings happening. Good-bye
Nellie 55 Oct 2021
You can't trust the world. You're surrounded by a dark and gloomy place. You've got tears drowning your beautiful face. About to lose your faith but you shouldn't girl.
I've seen that fight in you, it wouldn't be right for you to allow yourself lose. I know there's no one to help, I'd a given it all I've got if I was there beside you. But not one or a few have a clue. Not even I can say I relate because we've all got a different point in our view. We picture a happy place but we caught depression with no flash. Now we wished for a happier mistake to take us back.
I understand that your nights are so dim, I can agree the other side of the bed is colder with no one to grip or hug. A false dream and no love. But without a struggle how will these lefts go to the right? How are we to win a fight. I've lost a lot to just conquere a battle. But I forget this isn't a game, but a conflicted war I better be more careful. But these battle scars gave me a reminder of some potential wins, just a man losing and winning step by step. If I was there I'd give you a hand and some light. Visiting that dark place left me speechless and emotionless and I would hate to see you in the cycle.
"You'll find the rainbow after the storm"
Nellie 55 Jan 2021
When I punch out I sit in my car smoking a cigarette
About to go home and play some Apex
Hour or two later
I put on some TV in my favor
When the weekends young I drink till I get stupid
This is my life I'm happily getting use to it
Junk food and a good drink
Sweats and TV
Punch out till my lights go dim
I'll put on some slim
Driving around for some music therapy
Gas station food because my stomachs empty
I'll punch in, working for my paychecks go thin
Punch out to enjoy a weekend
For that I'll punch out to punch back in
Nellie 55 Jan 2021
Problems like a puzzle
Missing pieces
Here's a corner maybe I'll solve love
But the center is not complete
I'm starting to lose feeling so I get back on my feet
I feel like each corner is the easy part
Because time out I need to isolate
I'm a sporadically all over
But this puzzle cause me to lose focus
I'm thinking too hard
Pieces all over but I'm determined to finish I cross my heart
Nellie 55 Jun 2022
You forget that I'm the one who made you.
Don't tell me you're to weak to pull through.
You dealt with worse.
Knock your *** back into the dirt.

Yeah well I've had just enough.
This isn't tough love.
***** too toxic.

You as in I don't know
"toxic"
Shouldn't even quit.

Nah I've got to move.
I've got a lot to lose.
rough draft
Nellie 55 May 2021
I can barely stand
But I know how to crawl
I can barely laugh
But I can give you a smile
I maybe broken
But I'm in repair
I will not be able to fake it now
But I'll be okay
A lost cause
But a redirection
Not a failure
Just a learning experience
One step away
But I keep the progress going
Nellie 55 Oct 2020
Never knew how to start a first page
Always scribbled my poor choice of words
Attempted to improve but made it worse
But I learned how to make it work
Always writing to increase my experience
Hopefully others can somewhat relate
Nellie 55 Jan 12
I've never been perfect.
Never wanted that pressure.
I've always been the first responder.
But I'd be begging and pleading,
Searching for a station on the radio that never existed,
Along with no comforting sounds receiving.
I've been talking to walls and forget what they've said.
Knuckles defending my insecurities as they bled.
I'm reaching out to be left on read.
Nellie 55 Jan 2021
I woke up with a headache
Patients about to break
Can't seal my lips with duct tape
But felt better listening to music
Head still hurts though
Time for woke I've got to go
Nellie 55 Jul 2022
Am I that toxic?
Began to feel neurotic.
Have not been the same, I'm the one too blame.
Years pass and I'm going insane.
Date attempts, but I get ghosted.
Rumors spread fast and I'm getting roasted.
I heard this and that, but none of you know me like that.
I'm pretty simple and chill, but I'm not cold.
Nellie 55 Oct 2020
I reach for my dreams
Learned how to enjoy the little things
Picking up wishies from the field
Putting my thoughts at A yield
My guards up and I've got A good shield
I enjoy the comfort the homies bring
I've got their back even if it's the last thing
Every adventure I've had should've be documented
Always A great memory hopefully in the future it wouldn't be so complicated
Happy to say that I'm slowly making it
Nellie 55 Aug 2021
I am a bit stupid, drove home alone under the influence. Talking and ranting like it's the end. Wishing I never had to live in pretend. Always attempting, but everyone's avoiding. I get led on but then they leave. Always putting in that effort I guess it's better then a cheat. Do I deserve to be punished this long? I never knew what I did wrong. Always that creep, that's why I hardly speak. Repeated that cycle a couple of times then went to drink. I allow that insecurity to shrink. Going home alone, about ready to turn off my phone.
Nellie 55 Oct 2020
Someday I write something then read it to get someone's back. It'll be motivation and hopefully they'll agree with that. Help them get back on track. Remind them a little help wouldn't be so bad. Hit up my phone just to chat.
You ever cringe at judgmental people? I do all the time. I cringe til my my teeth hurt from the grind. But i breathe and give it time. One day peace will be mine.
I'm always attempting to put away the frown.  But gay jokes and fat jokes brought me down. I brush it off because one day that'll expire. But feelings don't go out of stock so now my eyes start a fire. Eye for an eye, but a notch worse. I'm a put my thoughts to work.
Everyday was a struggle, I look up a rush forward to forget where I was going. Out of breath because I was anxious. Physically I get dangerous.
I'm starting to lose my mind again. Refuse to stay open. Trying to not be so broken. Here we go again. Fights on and i refuse to go down before I start swinging. Then the laughs and tuants have my ears ringing. Shut up butch I'm trying here. ***** it i need a break grab me a beer.
I look in the mirror and see a regret. Shattered it and realized mirrors don't lie so I picked up what's left. I realize the people who dislike me doesn't dislike me as much as I don't like myself. ***** the mental health. I'm fight it and raise hell. Fallen angel? Probably not. Why do I write? I don't know i forgot. Wanted to end me, suffering with anxiety. Great I'm like the rest of the population. What a pity situation. People go through worse. So I punch these walls to watch blood drip on the dirt. What is this worth?
Wanted to end it by screaming **** this world. Then stomach turned for me to hurl. Like a clam I'll patiently wait to be as pure as a pearl. Time will eventually give me my world.
For now this depression demands its debt to be felt. Getting baggy and heavy so I grab me a belt. All that to keep walking. But pain is restalking. Non of it is no longer shocking. If you look at my writing and typed up poetry on this account you'll see my tough love. Well atleast the start of it. But it haunts me so i rant write about it.
sorry you read a long piece, but it means so much to me. I wrote this because I was suffering slowly. Rant writing helps you can ask anybody. Thank you if you read this far, post a comment and I'll respond as if now I'm a jam to music in this car
Nellie 55 Jun 2021
Nobody noticed any changes I've made,
Makes some good adjustments just to feel betrayed
Always a game to you but I've never played
I've now been avoiding just to clear my head
But now I've felt like I'm all of the sudden everyone's regret
Consider this my first step
But now I've got the urge to run
Rumors just caved in
You're not a angel so I'm a just let myself sin
Your comfort was like a pillow
Not I'm uncomfortable I'm a flip it over to have my head chill
Trying to keep myself down low
Avoiding everyone is the easiest when they're loyalty can't stay still
I'm off to my own now
Phones on mute but these streaks cry out
But left on read, I think I'll just turn off my phone instead.
My budget may not be the greatest, but my love and loyalty is completely priceless!
***** the difference? I think you're confused, might need make multiple calls let's start a conference!
I deserved the best, but got the worse. Caught some rest, now I'm buried in dirt.
A pounding chest, questioning my worth.
Loved who saw me at my worse, now they witnessed my best.
Don't ever feel obligated to anyone, just commit to loving yourself.
Who's honestly going to know you better especially when you've got your own mental health?
Nellie 55 May 2020
I lose my grip
I miss her lip
I need to quit
She's still beautiful, she was the only one that gave me compliments everyday.
I need to improve right now
My emotions and voices getting to loud
I can't message anyone about this
People will get annoyed and so sick
I just want to feel safe again, sick of feeling so broken
That sweet sound of her voice
She is the one that hurt and left and made that impulsive choice
Now I'm here suffering in silence.
Everyone leaves me on read
I've got these dark temptations screaming in my head
I'm crawl, I fall, I don't see at all, I bawl.
I just wish I could replace my heart as fast as she did
Nellie 55 Apr 2020
I'm not a alcoholic when I'm in control, I swear I'm not even vulnerable. Why reconize my flaws? Anyone see my success at all? I admit taking time off was kind of a bad reputation. But I'm not going to bail out of the situation. Recognizing flaws a achievement everyone has. I'm a just stay focused and work on me, not leaving messages subliminally. Just a little mental war, but I'm fine. I've got work, I've got a roof. About to show off my worth. I'll work, I'll also be a call away. I'm always down to make someones day. That's just how I am, y'all say things you don't understand. Reconizing flaws... thank you for noticing that. Here's my stop, I'm a work that overtime and show you the mountain top. Isn't the view great?
Nellie 55 Nov 2021
I never thought this would happen.....
I got a call, rushed to the hospital wishing it was you I can call
I was hoping to get you out of there.
I'm struggling twice as hard because you're not here so I'm not about to prepare.  I can't seem to feel okay again, my heart had stopped beating and singing. It aches in silence as my tears drown my face. I'm lost daydreaming about your face. A drink to put my anxiety back in place. Alone I cry, alone I deal, alone I feel. My red flannel kept me cold but hugging you for one last time drowned me with lifeless comfort. Because it was your last warmth I'd touch. Dad I miss you so ******* much!
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