When I fall in love
I become obsessed.

Anger,
Jealousy,
possessiveness,
it all controls me.

All my insecurities exposed,
my anxieties
come out of obscurity.

For rejection, unrequited love
and deceptions,
I have no immunity.

But falling in love requires false expectations.

if ever

you don’t

feel

like you have a home,

pull me close,

wrap your arms around me,

rest your head on my chest,

close your eyes,

and feel the warmth of the fireplace

resonating from within my heart.

Stick me in the dungeon.
Tie my hands behind my back.
Chain my feet to ground.
Wrap my body in a sheet
And watch me disappear.
Been broken-hearted my whole life.
Couldn’t find a reason to be on this Earth.
Not then and not now.

Forget 6 feet. Make it 10000 feet.
I don’t want to be seen.
I don’t want to be found.
Forgot digging the hole.
Wrap me up and burn me to the ******* ground.
**** this life.
This life has ****** me.
Over and over.
Several occasions I’ve been close to death
Yet somehow I outlived it each time.
Devil is trying to **** me while the lord is trying to save me.
It’s been a fighting battle for half of my life.
They say every one has a purpose but is my purpose to barely survive?
I’ve been dying inside.
I’m broken inside.
This isn’t a life.
I’m dead inside.

Sitting outside in shorts and no shoes. Sitting on the hard rocky cement.
It hurts.
The ground is so rough. Rather painful.
Hiding on the ground and in between cars so nobody can see me.
Don’t want to go inside.
Can’t shake these feelings that are buried beneath my skin.
Near crumbling to the core.
Anxiety surfacing but trying to keep it on the back burner.
It’s hard to resist all these feelings trying to crawl out my soul.
Why?
Why was I dealt these cards?
Should I run?
Should I just leave my things behind and just run?
But where would I go?
What would I do?
Homelessness is creeping slowly but surely.

I read the words you wrote.
I’m sorry.
I think I should just go.
My anxiety gets the best of me
And eats the rest me.
This ain’t even me.
It’s the devil feeding off of my soul.
I’m broken inside.
Just trying to find a place to hide.
But the devil always finds its way inside.
Is it me or is it you?
It isn’t  me.
It isn’t you.
It’s the both of us.
**** near both go crazy.
For a minute everything’s great.
Turn around and it’s like a hurricane.
This isn’t fun.
This isn’t love.
It’s a trap of endless toxicity.
I think it’s time we turn the page.
Rescue ourselves.
Drowning inside.
I love you.
You love me.
But what the hell are we doing?
It’s been over a year.
We should be head over heels in love.
Instead were fighting for our love.
My anxiety is killing me inside.
Nearly eating me alive.
I don’t want to go but I don’t want to stay in this.
Can’t handle the painful past, painful words, and things I know.
Can’t handle the words you spoke to me.
I’m already on the edge of letting go.
What do I do?
Do I stay or do I go?
Bleed inside or let it all go?
Let it all go straight into ocean and say goodbye.
Wish you farewell.
Wonder who will be your next
or what we could of been.
What we should of been but maybe we’re not.
Maybe we’re not supposed to be anything. But why the hell did we cross paths?
Can’t make any sense of this.
I wish you could understand. The things I say and do. It’s not me.
It’s not me.
It’s my anxiety.
It’s got the ******* rest of me.

This ain’t no paradise.
It’s like shoes on ice.
Slip and slide.
Knock your head a few times.
Irritated, aggravated, and peeved.
This is just the way it’ll be.
No change.
Just blame and shame.
Tired of the conflict.
Tired of the arguments.
Tired of hell on Earth.
You make this hell.

If you were the wind where would you go?
Would you go to the next door neighbors driveway?
Or would you go across the seas and experience all the beauty out there?
Would you visit heaven to sit down with your grandfather and talk about the old times?
Or would you just sit there?
Would you sit at home and just let life pass you right on by?
If you could do anything in this whole world what would you do?
Would you let life take you away or
Would you take life by the reins and slay it like a dragon?
Would you watch others become successful and wish it was you?
Where would you want to be?
What’s your dream life?
Honestly, I have no clue what my “dream life” is but I know one thing.
My dream is to live freely, to sit on the ocean beach and watch the waves crash fiercely.  I want to watch the animals and birds roam and fly freely.
I want to feel the sand between my toes and watch the sun as it sets over the ocean.
To feel peace is to walk up and over that hill top just to find the ocean waiting at the bottom.
It is heaven on Earth.
It is my peace.
My freedom of my soul, mind, and body.

Cells burst
Telomeres shrink,
Hurtling towards destruction
He called me a misanthrope.
Know thyself, I said.
My life is chaos;
Pink moons and hurricanes
We all fall down
Dead woman walking