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Nellie 55 Feb 2020
Exhausted
Going to make a list
No ones invited
Okay
Great
Goodnight goodmorning
Nah neither of that **** anymore
About to hit this until my fist are past sore
When will it be the last time I drink?
For real I'm better off at trying to stay sober.
Mockery towards me especially now at work.
What the **** man,
About to really lose it because none of ya ***** understand
What did I do? in all honesty
I hate to admit blacking out but i hate it even more not knowing *** happened
But it is what it is
The **** I'm getting mocked for is also another reason why i bottle it in.
Nellie 55 Feb 2020
Dear Katelyn,
Sorry you got the worst of it.
Anyways I'm looking into the help i should take.
Appreciate you dealing with me at my worst.
Wish you were able to stick around whenever i do make it.
I'm going to get clean
I'm going to get help
I'm going to stay sober
I have to
I need to
I'm going to let myself fall a few times
But mama said it'll always get ugly before it gets pretty.
Mama also mentioned no one will last long enough to see a change.
Once they see a darkside they all look the other way
Nellie 55 Feb 2020
Little do I know
I've got to stay clean and let go
Past catches up
I'm just lock it up
Everyday is a battle
This is the last time I drink 3/4 of a bottle. Like my issues they poor down my throat. Time to swallow them because I'm scaring and hurting everybody. I don't work well with anyone because i get so ******* anxious. Tbis ain't good and mentally dangerous. But i rush home to my room and lay the **** down. Distracting my self with a song. By now i should all the words. too bad Nickelback I've got one objective. Stay faithful and stay clean. Don't mean to to hurt y'all. My thoughts of myself aren't good, god forbid I'm clean. Wait what do I need? I'm literally applying for a second job to get caught up and to stay busy. **** the world for ****** up my reality. **** anxiety all I do is listen to loud music and write about the ****** up issues. Not eating and struggling with sleeping. Not taking care of my body but I'm down to keep moving. Seems like I'm losing. Another song that is on my mind is kind of depressing. when your gone by Avirl Lavigne I'm caught up on the same thing. This is me ready to stay clean. I'm a mess, every persons regret. I'm a bottle it back up and jam it in the freezer. Because if i open again **** will get cold and cuts my go deeper.
Nellie 55 Feb 2020
To be honest,
I'm ready to leave.
Pack some **** and go out
I'm fine
Im alright
shut the **** up Nel your ******* needs help
There I go arguing with myself again
Half tempted to maybe even admit myself
I am a manipulative psychotic ***
Now I'm ruining everything can I get some meds back?
Heart breaks
Betrayal
Abuse
All got me here
Now they've done it
Ready grab a razor sadly depression is the only feeling that commits
Everyone lost patience with me
Everyone lost fait in me
Ever since I've opened I'm pry that **** closed
I don't trust nobody
Haha ****, I'm really ready to go away.
Who the **** would care I'm alone a lot anyway
Nels a little *****
XD (/^_^)/
Nellie 55 Feb 2020
Bet
I've been drinking, blacked out again. Next day later I had to decide how much ties I've lost. **** what happened forgot.
Don't criticize me, the people i loved left me. Especially when comes to me being at my worse. I'm amazed cupcake forgives me and wanta to see me at my best. Along with my roommates, **** I got that. By I'm a step back. Would like to continue solo, I don't trust a soul. Last person i trusted woth my life gave up on me. Wow, I need something to swallow. Wanna eat, pass a drink. Benzodiazepines and SSRI's at the ready. Going to lose myself again to test my boundaries.
Nah **** that, stay clean again. These ******* don't deserve you but don't allow that judgment pry you open.
Hmmmmm
Who still actually has time to give a ****?
I just want to disappear into nothing
Want to burry myself with my issues
Nobody has a clue
Nellie 55 Feb 2020
**** this I'm a try to stay sober
I know I'm a fail again
I'm A stay clean till anxiety is over
I'm broken
Everyone I've loved is gone
This is wrong
I'm ******* done
Nellie 55 Feb 2020
I am ******* at myself
Who gives a **** about my health
Fuckk it ghost mode
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