my love is too big for you.
it’s no ones fault
it’s our blessing.
a challenge, to love myself
when your hands aren’t there to receive.
and an omen for you to see
how lovable you are.

we’re not for each other
but for this reason
we met each other
maybe we even loved each other
as we are called to love ourselves

I can’t wait till I’m attracted to who i want
For now,
I’m not
So I’ll use this time to tend to me
Fall in love with my potential and not theirs
All those messages I want to send you
Will be to me

why does the love linger
when they leave
where did they take my love
i don’t want you
but i want it back
for me

i want my love to plant in me
ill have a root system
a root system
a root system

Cord cutting with the same hand
I chose to love you with
I don’t know how to write like that
But you have to start somewhere

This feels violent
But love knows boundaries
Love knows piercing
Love is not separate from pain

i know i love you
cuz i forgive you
do i love me
when i forgive you
should i forgive you different
for me
redirecting my energy

Rage and patience
I teach my mother how to love me better

There’s things I wish you’d say to me
Or maybe I’m projecting
Even if this love never works out
I celebrate it
I celebrate my ability to see it.
It smells so good
Soft like papaya
I’ve never tasted you
But I’ve already tasted you
Or maybe I’ve tasted me loving you
I love you
I don’t know why

I hope your prayers for me to change
Turn into curses against your limits
I don't wish you pain
But I do wish you healing

I love hearing his voice in the background
Seeing the light on when I come home at night
I used to love hearing his moans
I still love hearing his moans
I hate hearing his moans
I wanna try again
But I always try again

I love you beyond me
Now that it’s over, my love is out of reach
So I’m fishing
Waiting to eat it up
Come inside me


Get ahold of yourself
It’s over

I don’t remember what it feels like to let you go
And now I’m here again.
It’s kind of familiar
Like a repressed memory.

The longing is straining,
As the let go grim reaper doesn’t knock anymore.
Instead grim got tired and bled through the walls
She says, it’s time to go.

She’s holding my hand
I’m mad and grip her with my nails
But I’m holding her too
It’s time to go.

I blew love into you.
It looks pretty
Things were healed in you
And now my lungs are left with no air

I didn’t take enough in
I have to leave for oxygen
I don’t want to go
This is my garden
My lips point to you
I blew love into you

If you share your fruits with someone else
I hope I’ll breathe with gratitude
I can’t love you on empty
But I love you
And I love me
So I leave

I don’t know how to be sad.
If I live with you, will you stay?
Sadness you’re an art
You want me to comfort you
I want to let you go.
Pain brought you.
The same will make you stay.
I can’t force you out
So I’ll get to know you neighbor.

i don’t want to stay cuz I’m afraid you’ll fall in love with someone else.
but i don’t remember what its like for my body to love you.
i know resentment. i know fear.
i know pain too well.
i know rejection even as you run towards me.
my arms plastered out like bricks
and I’m trying to fit you in

Two hours at home
In the dead of summer
My sweaty feet vibrate
Like the shivers of my mental in the hibernating winter.

I can’t stay here for too long.

Some might say ADD
But I’m an African Christian.
We don’t get that
We got God.

So the fam prescribes me with some prayers
They talk to God and not me.
So I can be free.

Now it’s the peak of frostbite
At this point I’m numb to the pain.
I’m feeling off about not feeling.
You could call it empty.

I can’t stay here for too long.

Some might say depression
But I’m an African Christian.
We don’t get that
We got God.

So the fam prescribes me with some prayers
They talk to God and not me.
So I can be free.

The flowers are growing
And I’m worried I might miss it.
Spring bounces really fast.
I’m nervous that I won’t have my leaves.

I can’t stay here for too long.

But I’m an African Christian.
We don’t get that
We got God.

So the fam prescribes me with some prayers
They talk to God and not me.
So I can be free.

But the seasons are forever.
They don’t go away.
There’s no freedom in that.
So let’s talk about it
And cope.

I gracefully tip toe
With landfills on my head.
I’ve learned to wrap my feet with layers
That mask the ****** red.

I want to unravel in front of you
So my skin can breathe

But I’m afraid these hideous injuries
Will scare you and me.

I’m crying from my nose
So I can say I’m sick instead.

But these are my little calls for help.

Don’t talk to me about self care
I’ve done yoga before.

I am grateful.
Because the first time I had ***
There was consent
There was consent to explore my body
And expand my walls, slowly
Very sweaty
It was nothing like the movies
But the amount of comfort moved me
I pray no one ever rapes me
**** has tried to sniff me
I can feel my trembles at those memories
I pray that **** victims are healing
That maybe they can experience *** freely
And not like a prisoner in their own body.

Do I love you or hate myself?
Maybe it’s not a binary
But,
If you don’t love me in the way I want to be loved
Why am I letting it happen?
I think it’s time to do some surgery.

I can’t imagine life without you
But I’m not sure I’m with you

Your absence has directed me inwards
And I’m finding me.
I don’t love me enough
Time to repair.

I don’t always want to be a woman
Sometimes I want to be a girl

Without you taking advantage of me
Without you seeing me as less
Don’t infantilize me

Now can I have a hug
Will you hold my hand?

Does vulnerability only live on this land?

I’m sorry I rhymed
Was that too juvenile for you

Why am I apologizing for my youth?
My inner child can only save me

I love you baby

As I step into the unknown
I’m stepping into myself
Because all I know is that I am here

So thank you to the unknown
For making me meet myself
I’m still meeting me
It hurts

Lots of dust to sweep
But ****
I look good
In a ****** up way.

I’m not totally serene
There’s monsters inside of me
I decided to be friends with all of them

We create sweet sounds of mental symphonies
I see them evolving
Giving me flowers and stuff
Sometimes with secret bombs
But were talking about it

Some days my grip will be weak
But even my weakness is strong

When I fall,
I want to smile
And kiss my wounds
Turn my lips
To the perfect red

I think my blood
Is good fertilizer
I’ll probably let it drip a little
Say hello my tears

I won’t push it away
Cuz I know it will cling
On to me stronger
So I honor you sickness
All of me belongs here

I’m stronger than ever
And dying at the same time.

I’m not here to make you comfortable
I hope you’re comfortable with that.

This is where I'm at.
I don't know what I did wrong
I don't know what I'm doing wrong
I don't know if anything is wrong

I feel wrong
I can't sleep normal
My heart pounds me awake
My psyche says I don't deserve sleep
Till I figure this out

When I try to figure this out
The knot gets more complex
My heart gets louder
I think I give up

I can't tell if giving up is freedom or defeat
I don't know what's wrong
Trying to know makes it worse
Letting go feels unfamiliar

Trust in the Universe
Trust in God
Trust in yourself
Trust makes me anxious
I don't have it
I preform it
I draw it
I watch how fresh it makes your face
So I freshen mine up too
But there's no untying the knot in my gut
So I come back and ask for trust
I was told trust doesn't ask
It just believes

I deleted my social medias again
I won't go back until I have a song I'm proud of.

I was waisting away down a timeline of ads
I wasn't connecting with anyone
I connected with awkward cats.
I don't even want a cat.

Maybe I'll fix my TV
Invite some potential friends over
And watch awkward cats together.

So low
l
o
w
e
r
Lower
Slower
The pain is dragging out
It's depth is slippery
It feels like it's me
I don't believe it though
It's just a heavy jacket
I'm something else underneath that jacket
But ******* ****
I can't find the zipper
I've been in here for a while
Some days I can't tell if this jacket is my skin
Remember it's a jacket
REMEMBER!
It's a battle
Pyou pyou pyou
With myself.
It feels like I'm against the world
But I know it's with myself.

I just want to spend time with you.
He says okay.
And comes at night when I'm asleep
That's time right?
But I'm not there
I'm in another world of dreams.

I just want to be present with you
But he can't afford that
He got bills to pay,
Words to write,
Friends to entertain.

He says I love you.
Ya I know.
But
Love makes time.

It turns that 24 into a 25.
It says
"Hey you wana hang during my lunch break"

Babe come over,
Help me create.

Wedge me into your time.
I don't want to be the one asking
All the time.

It hurts.

My mother tongue got cut off
I’ve been bleeding in my mouth ever since
But I learned to cope with the pain
Because no one with my mothers tongue has been able to
Show me how to grow it back.

Hair grows back easily though.
It keeps my head warm
So my thoughts can sit comfortably
While trying to process what the **** everyone’s saying,
Without burdening the translator who just wants to listen.

I try but can’t listen or speak
It turns into a silent loud noise
This language barrier pulls my hair
My thoughts release with no refuge
It’s cold out here I try and tell them
But no one can hear me.

So I try to improvise and improvise
I wana say I love you. I’ll try and show you how.
I can’t verbalize my humor
It makes me cry.
Now they wont get to know me as deeply
As I dig for them and they dig for me.

Then they ask me how could you not learn your language
As if I hate it
I ask them do you know my story
I did not choose this.

It’s not their fault
It’s not my fault
Idk what was conspiring against me or with me
To make this happen.

So as I try and learn to grow back my mothers tongue

I pray that this is a gift
And its curse like symptoms is only a mask

I pray this is a gift
And its curse like symptoms is only a mask

I pray this is a gift
And its curse like symptoms is only a mask
Amen

He looks like a rasta
Preaches no money only peace
But smokes no ****
He’s been sober all his life
Like he just got out of rehab
But doesn't mind if his friends smoke a couple trees
He breaks it down like a b-boy
That might of known Michael Jackson
Then belts out American country music
In the heart of Africa
Designs fashion making Europeans wonder
If they should colonize Africa again to get his resources.
Neo-colonization anyone?
He has small money
He lives poor
But lives rich
Has his own humble home
Like the adult he’s been since 15
And loves helplessly like he’s still 15
Despite the bruises the world continues to lash on his never aging soul.
Ohhh
Those bruises must hurt
But he’s trying to heal them with his art
He is an anomaly
Doesn’t fit here or there
But anomalies are perfectly normal
They choose to sit in there soul
Release truth that needs to be told
Because it’s only natural
Not fabricated
The fabricated
Really hates it.
The fabricated
Still takes a taste of it
Because they want that
Freedom
The fabricated
Watch in awe
They say no
You aren’t allowed to do that
That’s a contradiction
You’re a paradox
Social lines wont let you cross that.
Get back in line
Get back in line
Before we shoot you
Because we want your freedom too.
He’s been shot a couple times
I think his soul is his armor
But he lives in a human body
So you can imagine he’s not all that bullet proof.
Even if his body dies one day
I swear his soul will live on.
His freedom has no expiration date.

You've made it clear that whenever I speak to you
I can't touch you.
You've made it clear that when I try
There's no will.
So I stop with emotion that's still present.
I stop because my waste you have so named, has no sewer.
And I cant. Because I'm clogged.
My feelings have reached overcapacity and I don't entirely know where to drain.
Or if I even should have a sewage for this supposed waste.
So I lay here in floods of my pain
Not knowing if you'll merely recognize them
As I go mentally insane.
So don't tell me I'm special
Because if I was important you wouldn't let me rot
Like a half eaten Apple
You decided to pursue
Like the yoga you picked up but
Only for a short period of time
Like that thing you decided to do but not really.

I want to talk.
I need to talk to you.
But this distance sews my mouth.
I want to eat greasy African food with you.
While you remind me to eat my greens too.
But this distance keeps me starving.
I want to touch your chest
While you grab my face and grace my lips.
But this distance wont let us graze upon each others skins.
I want to laugh with you, at me, at you.
But there's nothing funny about this distance.
How is this ideal?
I can't deal
With detachment
My already loose heart.
Swings and ties around you
Not to keep you locked
But to swing to universes that you thought your gravity kept you from.
Yet you cut my chords
And pick it up every now and then
When you supposedly can.
We can't be friends.
Not now at least.
Love me
This distance feels like you hate me.
How can you call this intimacy?

I know you guys were never masta's
You don't own a plantation
Some of you don't even own a home.
But when you rock your chair
And recline to my beats
I hope you know what waters
You're treading on.
I hope you don't consume my melodies
And decline acknowledging my daughters and sons.
Because our pain is nothing to smile about.
Our grief isn't for you to swim in.
If you nod to our beats.
Make sure your ready to sink in and be an ally.
Not just another song
I have to write about
To heal my wounds.

Your neglect
Dragged me back to your bed
Body down
Ropes tied
Around my left leg
I came into your room with valleys on my body
I ran up those bruises
Without delicacy
Without realizing that they were volcanoes
Until I erupted in your presence
Looked at myself through you
And asked why haven't you been here?
Why do you get to graze my mountains when you choose to land your plane.
I thought my soil was land for you to build your home on?
But you come as you please
But my love is unconditional.
My love is not a tease.
It is not a sting
It is errupting
Molding
A breeze
I shiver
While I sweat
My love is a universe
And perhaps that's too large for you to wrap your arms around.
Maybe my love will wait for you to grow
Maybe not.
But it will never decrease in size
Infinity has no size.

If you want to make it up to me
Out of worries that I'm mad
Then you should know that I'm not mad
But I do have one wish.
Just be good to her.
Love her
With the love you never gave me
And the love that is hers
So she can overflow with compassion
And a heart ache that isn't from the traditional pain
But from a burst of
So
Much
Love.
Love my little sister in the way
You never got to love me.

If I crossed the street I would've been in the district with all the black kids
I begged my mom to take me there.
If I crossed the street I wouldn't have gotten IB
I wouldn't have gotten the prestige
That I thought everyone deserved
Saving me almost a year of college
And money like a scholarship.
If I crossed the street I wouldn't, as much, question my identity.
I wouldn't be single and question my beauty through white eyes
I would learn how to answer questions in class without feeling my white peers lying their eyes on me to see if the black girl could get it.
If I crossed the street I wouldn't be the only black girl in my classes.
If I crossed the street I wouldn't have to feel like MLK day was my job to announce according to my substitute teacher.
Because you know what week it is! Well of course you know girl.
If I crossed the street I would've been with my black brothers and sisters
Rather than trying to find my black experience in my white friends
But I didn't cross the street.
Maybe it took a bit longer to learn to love my black because of that.
But today I love myself
No matter what border I reach
And who disclaims or proclaims my authenticity.
I love my black self.
Maybe I wasn't supposed to cross the street

You scare me.
You say you're not sad.
But your silent stares
Scream with emptiness.
It makes me so heavy.
If I could pour something into your soul
I would.
But the wires in your brain have shut your body.
Im open and you're closed.
I'm sorry.
To me you are everything.
You can fill a space with love
But I can't wait till you can fill yourself with love.

Mommy.
My lips felt warm around that word.
Like when my leg wrapped around you
Insulated by your thick body.
It's like we never had sleepless nights.
In white cold Michigan.
Cold like Christmas season
With a warm mood.

Mommy
yee
yee
My tongue got twisted as I began to age
I couldn't grasp my leg around you
and I only got shorter, while they said you're getting stronger
This is what it's like to get older.
So I didn't sleep with her anymore.
I couldn't sleep as much anymore.
I stripped the yee
That bounded us together
No mommy no mommy noo
mom
I called her mom
Because I'm an adult now.
I am cold.
They said venture off into this world alone.
But thankfully,
Every time I turn around she still has a hold.

My leg let go of her body
But her hands bleed with a tight grip
And cracks that let me back in.
She said Mommy will always be here
We were one when you were inside me
We are one now because I am always beside you, behind you, before you, because I love you.
I love you Mommy.

I was blanketed with animosity towards you
I thought you forgot me.
You said you would do
But you never did.
So I never saw what you felt.
I only lied under blankets of what you said you would do.
These blankets made me cold.
I thought my anger would make me warm.
But the fire was ice.
Freezing my insides
To numbness.
I couldn't feel your pain.
But then you paused for a bit
And I stripped my blankets to take a peak
Only to realize that you were hurting real deep.
No longer frozen
No longer numb
I felt your tears
And all I wanted to do was wipe it with the sun

You made me
And that idea baffles me all the time
Because you didn't make me at all.
Well it's arguable that your absence made some of me
But there's millions of people who aren't in my life too.
Has my absence made some of you?
The first time I was with you,
Half of me was swimming to my moms egg,
When we were together for the second time
I noticed I had built you up
I only knew the biology of our connection
It made me realize how disconnected we were.
We weren't that tall and still aren't.
Without you I am nothing
But without you I've been many things.
I'll meet you again sometime.
There's still time to grow.

I dressed up for a wedding that day.
We drove far to get there.
The wedding wasn't for me
But I felt like I was getting married
Because when you are free
I feel free.
They say preparing for a wedding is stressful
But you never had a crack in your smile.
I was born here
So by default I was already apart of the family
Kind of.
More like the sixth removed cousin that everyone forgot.
But I'm still a citizen
I get to eat some good toast at the table sometimes.
Yours was a bit burnt but you still ate it as if it was French toast.
You made me think I had pancakes and vanilla froyo everyday.
But when I truly feasted it was at your reception.
You said I do to America
Along with other brides and grooms.
And in that moment I felt full with love that tasted sweeter than that invisible vanilla froyo I never had.
I think we all were in love that day.
We were equally unequal with everyone in that room.
Maybe the one you married didn't actually love you in that moment
But I heard these arranged marriages are like boiling water
So perhaps it will grow over time.
I'm not sure but how could anyone not love you?
Congratulations on your citizenship mom

If I let you inside me.
Penetrate for a while and feel my walls
Carve some hieroglyphs
In my sacred sanctuary
Then you have to respect me
You have to preserve me
You can't just come in and **** around
I do have some mummies lying around so please be careful
I'm letting you in
You can excavate my cave but no exploitation
If you go deep enough and move in the right direction
You'll find some hidden treasures that I've been waiting to share
But don't exhibit my riches in a museum
I just want to be in your home

Deep in sleep. Hypnotic trance.
I was so sure you didn't know I was there.
But even in your dreams you moved with me.
Your body was always awake.
Your body was always dancing with mine.
I don't really miss you.
I miss how your body took care of me.
Because you didn't fully take care of me.
Touch
Me
Again

You felt good
You went down smooth
I was a bit drunk on you
Elevated for a short time
You started making me sick.
I knew you were bad for my organs
But who cares about the inside anyways.
I vomited all I had of you
Hoping it'd make me feel better.
It was messy but honest.
All that went in was exposed.
So I slept on it.
I slept for a while.
I woke up expecting another day.
But I wasn't drunk anymore.
My organs weren't diluted with your toxins anymore.
I was just dry. Dehydrated. You took all my replenishments away.
I didn't get over it when you were gone though.
I was hung over.
Sick.
Never wanted to see you again.
At the same time you were still there banging my head.
With time I'll feel better.

When no one was home
I was with myself.

But now that you guys are back
I'm home alone

You guys chattered amongst each other
As if I was only an element of wind

My element bothers both of you
So you guys strap yourself in windbreakers that keep me out

My body is invisible but my wind is strong
So you trudge through me but all I do is stand still

I have to remind myself that I've never felt light before
That I am physical with heavy emotions.

I have to remind myself that I am no bad guy scraping
Faces with my overbearing breezes.

I am warm. I am a garden. I am body of flowers. Blooming
I have to remember to water myself.

I have to remember to water myself

Love me tender
Love me sweet......

My lips were dry
But you moisturized them
With your kisses.

I let my body go upside down
Only because I was in your arms
So there was no falling.
But perhaps I am falling.

Perhaps I'm dragging you with me.
But is that so bad.

Our legs go perfectly intertwined
My ***** sits well in your concave
My breast fall gracefully on your chest.
And our minds interconnect.
I think we fit.

So continue to....

Love me tender
Love me sweet

Every crevice on my body hides something.
You see their dips and curves as lines
Producing voluptuous dreams,
But if you traveled deeper into my crevices
Deeper into my body
You'd find me.

The worst thing
Is nothing.
No substance
No anger
No heat
No peace
No sadness
No joy
No melancholy
No nostalgia
No urge to do that thing
No flow with ease

At the most recent party I went to
I was only warm.
The complete opposite of what I wanted to feel.
And you said warm is ideal. Right?
And I said no. **** the middle.
I. Want. To. Burn.
From the kind of dancing that makes your back sweat
Hips swing
From the Afro Latin beats
Whine to the Caribbean dance hall music
Naturally stepping without getting stepped on.
Screaming in unison to the lyrics of a dumb top 40's song.
Breaking my back to some nasty reggaeton
Throwin it back to the 90's classic. OW!
Gettin intimate body to body in a tasteful salsa.
Baby baby baby you make me wana holla.
I want to sweat!
But no one's dancing.
There's too much beer pong.
And I'm warm,
Only from alcohol.
I'm leaving this party.

You've placed tacks on my lungs
Pinning every vessel you could find
Calling it acupuncture
Just as I was losing my mind.
But I'm addicted to you.
I plead for you to stop
But when you remove your tacks
I'll bleed in yearning for you.
My body will go into shock
Because what is life without your pins and needles.
I'm so addicted to your presence
That I call this hell my home.
To the point that I'm confused
If this is unconditional love
Or if I'm just dying over and over again.
I thought you were good.
I never knew taking my breath away
Would cause this much pain.

No lights except for the ones we use inside ourselves.
You guided me with yours.
My eye's couldn't see a thing,
But my palms were moist against yours
Hipsssss, ******, back and forth, back and forth
You took me in with your lips
I tasted your skin, tongue, something more than a kiss.
Me gusta tus besos, you said.
I said nothing.
Rather my body flew in to yours
To reply the same.
That night
You gave me peace
You gave me heat
You gave me quick sand
That scared me,
So I made it out on to solid ground.
But in all honestly,
I should've just let myself sink in the sand.
I was such a tease.
But still, you gave and you gave
to me.
You spoke Spanish,
And I spoke English.
You spoke love,
And I spoke love.

When I was little, I thought barbie was one of the most beautiful humans I've ever seen.
I knew it because the world agreed with her and not me.
So I tried to scrub the dirt off my skin, in hopes that I'd get closer to white purity.
But I'd only turn red like the devil that they said I am
With a sponge soaked in blood trying to wash away my blackness.
The sponge rejected me too.

When I was little, I thought that barbie was one of the most beautiful humans I've ever seen.
Therefore, I burned my hair with chemicals to eradicate my curls.
So I'd be like white blond barbie. You could call me milk and honey. But the chemicals turned my honey into ashes.
Straight but dead.
The perms rejected me too.

When I was little, I thought that barbie was one of the most beautiful humans I've ever seen.
So I figured I should get a ken. A nice white man. Or maybe just a man.
But mommy was single too, so maybe I'm just too black to be loved.
Until, I was 17 and hadn't had my first kiss.
But when my time finally came,
I was just fulfilling his fantasy of a jungle fever, concubine, black object.
So still he rejected me too

When I was little I thought that barbie was one of the most beautiful humans I've ever seen.
So I pledged allegiance to the United States of white America
And to the republic, for which it stands on my body
One nation for eradication of my skin
Under god, a barbie
Indivisible stop making me invisible
With no liberity and justice for barbie

Barbie. A ******* plastic doll.
She's not even the most beautiful human I've ever seen.
She's not even human
And they done ****** up when they wrote those love poems for her.
Can't you see my almond eyes speaking,
While my chocolate strawberry dipped lips are closed.
Don't pretend you love me,
Because caressing my face with a knife
Is no kiss to brown velvet skin.
And I know my curls are too complex for you,
Cuz they're tangled in years of wisdom.
But the wisdom doesn't really lie there.
My beauty doesn't really lie there.
It's my passion, and vulnerability.
My mind and it's ability.
Oh my goodness I know whose one of the most beautiful humans I have ever seen.
It's me.
And I'm the most important person in my life
So before I can deeply love anyone esle,
I must fall in love with myself.
So here's the love poem they never wrote for me.

Oh my gooooooooodnesss. You emulate literal waves of chocolate.
So sweet that your tummy has rolls just to touch your body.
And your smile illuminates your dark skin into a radiance of self sun kissed beauty.
But really, your eyes are smiling and I'm not sure how you can speak so many languages with them.
Please touch me again you have the softest skin. Firm long hug.
But you're actually holding me with your mystifying soul. Vulnerable soul.
You feel everything.
So hot that when the sun kisses your skin, the sun is burning.
So cold that you saved the polar bears with your ice bergs like the mother nature you are.
And your mind is beautiful with all the neural connections becoming fruitful with berries the world never knew existed and have yet created words for.
My god, I love you

At first you were shy.
But I kept talking to you because your almond eyes had this way of speaking, without your sweet chocolate strawberry dipped lips from opening.
I wanted to taste those too.
But you didn't want to feed me too much.
No worries though, because slowly you became fruitful
and I tasted berries that I never knew existed.
Yet, at times you wouldn't give me water when I was thirsty
because you were afraid of a drought.
And I promised you that I would never let you run dry.
But lately, it seems like we've both been going on a little diet.
The milk was good but we let it sit there for too long and now it's expired.
One of us threw it out, I'm not sure who.
But I'd be willing to make some almond milk
if you speak with your eye's again.