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13.0k · Nov 2013
Self Hate
Natalka Nov 2013
Perhaps the reason I hate myself so much,
                        
                                                                 is not because I am a horrible person..

                        but because I have given my love to everyone else

                                                                                                                     and left none for myself..
2.3k · Aug 2013
My ABCs
Natalka Aug 2013
A** pple pie, freshly baked from the oven. I don't wait for it to cool, I want it hot, with a big greedy scoop of vanilla ice creams melting next to it.

B oys. Cute, querky, gross, crazy, but amazing. You can't stand them, but for some reason you need them in your life.

C ookies. Warm, fresh-out-the-oven, gooey choclate chip cookies.

D  is for dancing. Dancing in the rain with my eyes shut, screaming at the top of my lungs and not caring what anyone thinks. Just dancing.

E lephants. Strong, old, smart and beautiful creatures. Harmless yet protective.

F stands for foxes. More specifically fennec foxes. Adorable, small, cunning, cute and most of all, want by me!

G iving. Not just material items, but hope. Giving hugs, and smiles to those who need one. Also, For-giving.... letting go of the past and moving forward

H eartbreak. The feeling of no being able to breathe, not being able to speak, or make sense of everything without your "other half." Moving forward slowly, cautiously, because there are more around the corner.

I Me. The broken, yet strong; beautiful, yet self concious; smart, yet lazy teenager.

J is for Jenna, my first best friend. We aren't best friends anymore, but we still talk, and enjoy catching  up in eachothers lives.

K issing. I love kissing. I mean come on.... everyone does ;)

L ove. A strong, complex emotion which many guys lie about, and which I do too. I think I've only ever once loved my partner... all the rest I enjoyed...

M om. My mother, the woman who decided "I'm going to take the qwerky, adorable girl home to America with me and make her part of my life."

N is the first letter in my name. Natalka Hannah Evangeline Kmiotek.

O veracheivers. The people who make fun of me, because they can do things better then me, and everyone else. ******* all.

P erfection. Skinny girls with perfect *******, and big *****. No scars, and white teeth. the opposite of me.

Q uiet, as in I have to stay quiet or they'll hear me. Who? My demons of course. If I'm too loud, they will come for me and drag me back to hell.

R stands for two things. The first is **** A horrible word describing a nightmare you wish you could forget. It's being robbed of your first touch by selfish men, and being back into a corner against your will, forced to stay silent.

S is for strength. The strength to overcome, the strength to live, the strength to move on.

T hank you. To everyone who has ever been there and listened to me...

U nderstand why I cut myself. Why I hurt myself. It's easier to deal with physical pain, then the emotional kind. The emotional pain rots and festers inside me, destroying everything. It shuts my lungs down, forcing me to gasp for air.

V acations. Small escapes from your daily life, into something glamourous and relaxing. The warm sand between your toes, as the hot sun beats down on you. The cool ocean kiss the tips of your toes, cooling your thirst.

W hen will pain end? When will people stop being mean to eachother? When can I expect my child to be able to go to school and not be afraid of the other students? When will I be able to walk outside, and finally be able to say "I am safe," not having to lie.

X plain to me why people put others down? Why are there perfect models and barbies, telling us how we must look, how it's acceptable in society.

Y es please. Thank you. Simple manner, dying out, almost extinct. What happen to being nice? Or do we now, just take what we want? Expect everything, like the world owes us.

Z ach. He was my first love and my first heart break. With him, when he left, the floor caved under me. We were one of those couples that would break up, and get back together then next week. I guess you sould say we were crazy for eachother, but when he left, I guess I was the only one crazy. I was crazy enough to think he was ever mine.
1.5k · Aug 2013
A Robbery
Natalka Aug 2013
Who do you call when you've been robbed?
Not of your possesions...
but of your heart

You came in the middle of the night
and stole my breath with your lips
taking my heart along with it

in return you left my world a mess
and decaying memories in my vault
unlocked

I want you to come back
to give back my breath
and my heart

I feel my lungs ache
as if there is not enough air
for me without you

as if you are the last tree
and for my survival I must stay with you
I MUST

I want my heart back too
it's essential for me moving on
for me to forget you

There is nothing that I want to keep,
I want you to take all your memories,
And the pain you left with me.
Natalka Aug 2013
To understand the fundamentals of a broken heart
you will have to break your heart
I don't mean merely drop it
I mean to have it stolen away,
as you gasp for your possibly last few breaths
believing that without your heart
without him
you cannot possibly go on.

First
You will have to lose the perfect person,
and forget him.
Forget about his adorable smile
and warm arms
and soft kisses
and beautiful brown eyes
and querky fashion sense.

Got that out of your mind?
Good, on to step 2.

Second you will have to forget about the future and past
all together too
you'll have to forget the promise to take you somewhere exotic
after your high school year
you'll have to forget that night you spent in his car
there was no ***, just sitting in the back seat
listening to comfy music
talking
you'll have to forget the way he made you shy
shy to where you turned your head when he tried to kiss you
and you would stumble over your words shy
and that new feeling like it's your first love...

Forget that yet?
No? I'll give you some time.

People say "Time heals all wounds"
how? It's been 2 months
my heart still twists
and the air evades my lungs
and it all happens because of you...

forgot it? Good.

Finally ask yourself why.
Why did you let him in?
Why were you so stupid to pull your walls down
after two weeks.
Why did you fall without a parachute?
Why did you fall inlove with someone 21
when you yourself..
are only 16.

After you've finished forgetting,
go out and smile and pretend you are not missing a piece of yourself
pretend your heart is still whole
and your smile is genuin..
and just forget
forget like I have...
1.0k · Mar 2015
Graveyard Girl
Natalka Mar 2015
I am
at heart
a graveyard girl
with tombstones as cracked as my ribs
and a heart
as cold as stone

I am
at heart
a rotting corpse
forever lost in this world
with an empty chest
and a decayed heart
929 · Nov 2013
Wrists
Natalka Nov 2013
Wrists are for bracelets
                                             not cutting.
so tell me why,
                               I have scars on my arm,
                                                            ­             and bracelets on my desk
914 · Aug 2013
Another Broken Heart
Natalka Aug 2013
It seems another has left me
feeling cold and empty
another one bit the dust
another one left me in the shade.

This isn't my first broken heart
you'd think my heart would actually get it
to stop falling
to stop breaking
to build those walls higher
and stronger.

I get a heart transplant every month
if I didn't I'm sure I'd be dead
these hearts should go to someone on death road,
not someone foolish enough to think you'd stay.

Instead I get them
and break them easily
so easily
but tell me..
if I've broken my heart before
why does the pain stay?
why does it hurt so much?

Perhaps if I kept my old heart
it would be so much stronger...
or maybe not...
maybe it would be so weak that it would collapse
like me on the floor
a broken heap of pitiful flesh.

I don't trust anyone
but I still give my heart away.
Maybe it's because I enjoy pain
it becomes a releif
or maybe it's because I like being alone
and just don't know it.

I should stop thinking with my heart
there are cobwebs in my head
dust on the shelves
like in an old home.

I'm sure in a month I'll be fine
and I'll fall again
put scrapes on my heart
and bruises on my ego.

I'll let my insecurities drown me
in an endless black lake
which was created from my first heart break
Every tear would wash over me
pulling me down to bottom
and I would look up
and see no one to save me.

My lungs would fill with water
and I could drift away
hopefully to a safe shore

I would find myself
crawling out of the river
and laying on the cold sand,
breathing in the painful air
realising I have to move on,
I have to go on
After all..
It's just another broken heart
761 · Sep 2013
Cigarrettes
Natalka Sep 2013
You strike your lighter
the air warms
you draw the flame near
the heat lights
and you take a long drag

Inhaling in my pleasures
you occupy yourself
studying all I have
then bring your lips back to me
inhaling me once more

With every breath
you brighten the spark
it burns for a moment
but not long enough for the night

When I am just a bud
all the pleasure gone
you hold me for a moment
then discard me to the ground

I wait for the next night
when your addiction rages
and your hands ache to touch me
and your mouth aches for my taste

You are as addicted to me,
as I am to you.
This poem I wrote last year, it's actually about love, and had nothing to do with cigarrettes. My boyfriend at the time use to smoke, so I guess it just made me think about about addiction, and I don't know...
724 · Oct 2013
Cigarrette
Natalka Oct 2013
can I be your cigarette

so you can pull me out
of a black dark box

so you can light me up
when I’m cold

so you can keep me on
your lips

so you can inhale me
even though you know
how toxic I am

but you don’t really care
cause you love that feeling
in your lungs
688 · Nov 2013
Broken Pieces
Natalka Nov 2013
If you find two broke pieces
and put them together
will that fix it?

                                                                                                                                                      I am broken
                                                                                                                                                     so are you
                                                                                                                                                     maybe together
                                                                                                                                                     we can feel whole?
673 · Feb 2014
Would you?
Natalka Feb 2014
Would you be upset

                      if I found more comfort in my razors
          
                                                                                    than in your arms
666 · Nov 2013
Such Small Pieces
Natalka Nov 2013
You broke me into such small pieces,
every shard,
with ever breath,  still pierces me
it cuts my breath short,
and leaves me gasping for air
I am cut
I am broken
and also
now I am heartless
614 · Sep 2013
Untitled
Natalka Sep 2013
How is it you can get to me
when I barely had you.
Scars reopened, and all I can think is
"He's still gone"

Tears are threatening to over flow
my heart is ready to burst

How do you expect me to breathe
when the only air I knew was you?
How am I supposed to smile
when you aren't there to cause it?
How do I keep from falling apart...
when you were the structure holding me together?

Do I dare say I love him?
I loved him?
no... I still do...
NO I DON'T
I can't...

How do I fix this?!!?
please.. I'm emotionally beat..
All I can do is think about you..
and I know, young love.

"you'll get over it"
will I?
How?
I need an instuction pamphlet
or a "How to get over it for dummies"
or a hug...

How could he have done this?
Snuck in my chest and tore out my smile
and my vision,
leaving me blind, cold and empty.

I left you,
I promised myself I would
to keep you safe
from this ****** up world's view.

If I left, then why does it feel like you took everything,
I just want to smile..
some nights I wish I had never met you
and never opened my heart.

Because of you,
I lock my heart up
in a cold stone box
I've soldered the edges
and built a wall of cast iron.

Now I feel myself becoming cold,
as cold as the box I locked my heart in
and I won't open it
not for anyone.

I only have one heart..
I dare not break it anymore...
588 · Mar 2015
Heart Breaker
Natalka Mar 2015
I used to be the girl
who fell in love with boys
and cried when they broke my heart

But now I have an empty chest
And mascara is expensive
So I break theirs instead
511 · Feb 2014
Suicide 1
Natalka Feb 2014
I wonder how sweet a bullet tastes
502 · Sep 2013
Stay away from my heart
Natalka Sep 2013
STAY AWAY FROM MY HEART**

It is fragil
it is dying
don't you dare think of taking it
of stealing it

I have changed every lock
and swallowed every key
because I told you I loved you
and now you are still gone

The day you left.
I ate my words that day.
Actually bit down,
chewed them,
swallowed them and
felt them
slide down my throat like glass
until they were so broken and damaged
there was no possible way
of those words could
rearrange
and
repair themselves enough
to be spoken.

The pain is all I feel
I feel empty
and lost
and it will not be fixed
496 · Nov 2013
My Room
Natalka Nov 2013
I need to repaint my room
turn the walls to ash
I am no longer that girl
who loved yellow
and smiled at flowers

I want a dark room
to reflect to I am
to uninvite every feeling of happiness
that ever walked through that door

I want to escape
into my black hole
and destroy myself
in my own home

Let me tear the flowers off
and the bright pink boarder
I know it was a lot of work
but I will never be her

I will never be the girl
who smiled all the time
that girl was ***** and murdered
a long time ago

Now I ask again
Can I repaint my room
Turn the walls to ash
and make it my own home
493 · Oct 2013
Tears
Natalka Oct 2013
If I was to cry everyday of the week


                                            I'd worry if I'd have any tears left to keep
488 · Jul 2014
Untitled 3
Natalka Jul 2014
You make poison taste so sweet
Every touch was a needle,
Injecting venom into my skin
Those parts of my body are now numb
Waiting for the antidote
I can feel it eating away my skin
The acid making my bones so weak
I dare not move from my bed
In fear of falling
Shattering into shards of chaotic after math
You've taken my last breath as your own
I am now the silhouette of a girl
The chalk outline engraved into the bed
So every lover after me will see the evidence
They will see the promises you whispered in my ear,
The daisies you planted in my mind
Only for me to find out they were weeds
The grew until my head was full
Then made their way to my heart
Constricting it
Suffocating it
Killing it
She will know of the venomous touch and your poisonous kiss
She will know the addict I became
And the withdrawal that killed me
487 · Feb 2014
Garden
Natalka Feb 2014
Roses grew in the depth of her heart,
Daisies sprouted from her lungs.
Daffodils arose frome instide her stomache
and lillies formed on her tongue.

She spoke so sweetly,
innocent and kind.
But as this little girl grew up she found
That flowers will die.
and weeds will grow.
482 · Feb 2014
Smile
Natalka Feb 2014
I am a prisoner in my own body
my mind tortured every night
           unwanted memories flood back
remember to smile
        
They cut my hair and remove my colors
I am black and grey
            I am emotionless
I have to smile

do not feel
do not show them anything
not the spark of hope that in 10 months you'll be free
             not the burning desire for individuality
Don't forget that beautiful smile

Prove to them you can be a good girl
you can take all your medicine
               and smile
always remember to smile

Do not dare show them any different
463 · Feb 2014
My Life
Natalka Feb 2014
The only time I feel most in control of my life
                                                          is when I try to end it.
461 · Feb 2014
Stuck
Natalka Feb 2014
Have you ever felt stuck
as if the sands of time are slipping through your fingertips
and as much as you try to grasp them
to take them back
you can't.

The wind carries them away,
leaving you stranded
deserted on an island of misery
and doubt.

Do you feel yourself slowly sinking
into the never ending abyss,
as if your island can't stay afloat any longer
and as much as you try
there is no boat coming to save you.

No matter how loud you yell,
you are alone
                   stranded
                                 sinking
                                               stuck.
437 · Oct 2013
Books
Natalka Oct 2013
You are so frustrating

You say you love me
but we barely talk
and kiss me like you mean it
but we barely touch

I feel like a ghost in your mind,
and barely a presence in your heart

I love you dearly
but I feel as if I am nothing
but another line in your book,
while I'm still working on your chapter
in mine
403 · Oct 2013
Flowers
Natalka Oct 2013
We cut and pick flowers
because they're beautiful.

We cut and **** ourselves
because we're not.
398 · Nov 2013
Tidal Wave
Natalka Nov 2013
I used to be afraid of the deep end.
                                         The fear of dying..                                 It kept us apart.
Now the feeling of drowning,
                                           is a rush of relief,
                                                                     as if a tidal wave,
                                                                                                            pulling me under
386 · Nov 2013
Mirror
Natalka Nov 2013
You can only keep a cracked mirror so long
                                                                                 until you grow tired or it's imperfections.



I guess you could say the same thing about me
381 · Nov 2013
Flower
Natalka Nov 2013
They say a flower can't grow without a little rain.

                                          but isn't it also true that too much water...
                                                                                                                         kills the flower.
379 · Sep 2013
To Myself
Natalka Sep 2013
It doesn't matter if she has her eyes open or closed
                                                  She'll always see the same darkness

She sits patiently
            waiting for the sadness to **** her

I ask why she cannot find a way to smile.
                                  Why she won't let me love her

"I don't love me,
                 and that's how I understand why you don't either."

I stay silent.. waiting
                 Wishing she could see.

Why don't you accept compliments, I asked
                                      Reaching to touch her, to love her..

"They make me feel like I'm being lied to"
                                          Her hand reaches for me.

We touch, her hand as cold as her mind.
                                              I wish to warm her

The only warmth I can give,
                                   is to myself.

I turn away from her,
            turn the light off...
                        and realize the girl was merely me...
365 · Nov 2013
Autumn
Natalka Nov 2013
Why is death only beauitful during autumn.
359 · Nov 2013
Winter
Natalka Nov 2013
Winter..
it is the season of white
it is the season of death
                                                                             everything is as cold
                                                                              as I am          
                                                                               in a way I am warm...      
it's when I can cut
and no one will notice
because everyone has long sleeves
357 · Oct 2013
Butterflies
Natalka Oct 2013
Butterflies can't see their wings.
They can't see how truly beautiful they are,
but everyone else can.







                                                                                                                      People are like that as well.
287 · Nov 2013
Untitled 2
Natalka Nov 2013
How do you fix yourself..
                             when you don't even know what's wrong with you?
279 · Oct 2013
Nothing
Natalka Oct 2013
You told me you loved me
                        and kissed me like you meant it..
                                          
I've trained myself for next time,
                so the next kiss
                                       will mean nothing
                                                         because all I ever was to you
                                                                                                   is nothing.

— The End —