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Naomi Jun 2018
Consequences have a ripple effect
You may take the brunt of the hit
But we all feel it too.
When they want to send you away for years
Shield you and make you better,
It's not just you who doesn't get to see me
It's also me who doesn't get to see you
And I promise, I'm crying just as hard as you
My love.
Holding your pillow in my sleep
Because it smells like you
And holding you in my dreams
Because the consequences hurt me too.
Naomi May 2018
You know the relationship is unhealthy
When the abuser
Decides he's abused too much.
He's used you too much
He's lied too much
He's caused too many tears
He can't bare to abuse you anymore.
And yet...
You still want to hold him
You want to kiss his soft face
And feel his arms around you,
Even if they wrap so tight
They squeeze the air out of your lungs
And you're left gasping
Alone
At night
In your bed
Wondering where he is
Who he's with
If you've even crossed his mind.
But of course you haven't
Because he's the abuser
And you're the punching bag.
He only punches
When he needs to let out frustration,
And you take every hit
Like the knuckle bruises he left on your stomach
And you told yourself it was okay
Because at least he was touching you.
But now he's had enough punching
His arms are tired.
But you could take a million more hits
If it meant sometimes he still approached you
With his violent hands
And even more violent mouth
Screaming profanities
*******, *****.
But you close your eyes
And remember when he said you were all he ever needed
Whispering sweet nothings in your ear.
Even if they were really nothing,
You're stuck.
And you've made a comfortable home
With chains around your feet
But your abuser still leaves you
Alone in this house of false comfort
And the door is open for you to run away
But he didn't unlock the chains before he left.
And so,
Shackled down by the weight of grief
You become your own abuser
Because it reminds you of him.
Abusing sleep
Dreams are the only place you can see his face now
Abusing pills
The meds you now take because you can't handle the anxiety on your own
Abusing alcohol
It always seems like a good idea until there's 3 sent text messages and a pounding headache in the morning.
And the one who caused destruction to begin with
Is gone.
And you're left
Abusing yourself.
Naomi Apr 2018
I am
Like an airport
A resting point
A stop to recuperate
A place to find fuel
To prepare for the next journey
But never to stay
Men come
Soaring on their planes of love
Only to touch down, crash, fall
Onto my landing strip
I take them inside
I let them rest their bodies on my spine
Use my provisions to become nourished
Some stay for a short time, desperately running to their next flight
Some stay for a long time, waiting patiently for their plane
None ever stay
When the next plane of love arrives to their gate
They pack their things
They walk away
They never want to stay
Onto greater things
Greater than a temporary resting point
Anxiously awaiting their final flight
Looking for bigger and better destinations
Than an airport that easily bores
Looking to find the plane of true love
Where they soar forever in the sky
Never to be seen again
Forgetting all about the airport
That fixed them
And nourished them
And calmed their souls
Maybe
The airport longed for someone to stay
For someone who did not want to leave
I am
Like an airport
Ask
Naomi Apr 2018
Ask
I'm scared to ask him the questions
I'm scared to hear him say
What I want him to say
I'm scared to hear him say
What I don't want him to say
I know
I will crumble either way
Naomi Apr 2018
She told me
I would know I truely loved him
When he said the final goodbye
And my heartbreak
Made my chest ache
Naomi Jan 2019
Being kind
is a trait
with a little bit of blessings,
and a whole lot of curses.
When you cusp your
chipped, bruised, and bleeding heart
and hold it against your chest
sobbing in the corner of your room,
wondering why someone took advantage
of a heart with pure intentions.
I will have to ask myself this question every day
for the remainder of my existence on this planet.
Why do the ones who decide to be
pure
and sweet
and loving
end up the most broken?
From the selfish ones
who take advantage of their goodness.
Maybe...
Kind people are more cursed
not because they are,
but because of what they remember.
It has been psychologically proven
that tragic events will stand out more in your mind
than happy and joyous ones.
That's pretty ****** up on creation's part.
They will remember...
How you were against them
when they were for you.  
How you knocked them down
once they picked you up.
How you said "I love you"
then screamed in their ears and bruised their bodies.
I am confused by the meaning of love.
But one day I hope
the stars align
the sun comes out
the world may finally make sense.
And us good people...
we will get the kindness we deserve.
Naomi Oct 2018
To fall in love
Is the most dangerous adventure
I could ever embark
Naomi Feb 2019
Dear Valentine's Day,

I hate you.

You hallmark-created
Socially-constructed
Marketing-schemed
Holiday.

You say "flowers will make any girl smile"
I say "flowers die just as quickly as falling out of love does"

You say "a big teddy bear will help her sleep at night"
I say "his side of the bed is cold now"

You say "everyone loves indulging in chocolate"
I say "he fed me lies that tasted oh-so sweet"

You say "write her a heartfelt love poem"
I say "reading back on those words only makes me weep"

Who are you to say what love should be?
Naomi Dec 2018
"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart"
When you called me late on the phone,
There was something that sounded different.
You tone, your mood, your words...
Slipped so smoothly from your tongue.
I almost didn't realize when you uttered the phrase
"I love you".
I had been waiting to hear those words
My whole entire life.
And suddenly, there they were.
Sending my brain into a frenzy of thoughts,
A moment of chaotic silence sitting in my bed.
As I told you "I love you too".

"But the very next day, you gave it away..."
I should have known better
Than to invest my heavy heart
Into the hands of a gambler.
You had already placed your bet on me and lost.
What made me think
You would be smarter than to throw it all in
And take your chances again?
Goodness, I was quite mistaken.
Those sweet, sultry words that promised a commitment
Sure didn't last long.

"This year, to save me from tears"
I decided to block your number.
It was the only way to stop myself
From picking up the phone,
And begging you to come back into my arms.
I determined that love was an experience
Made for people with luck on their side,
And the odds never seemed to be in my favor.
So I built a wall
Tall enough to block out a boy
6 feet tall with bright blue eyes,
Who claimed I was the light of his life,
While still playing tricks on me in the dark.

"I'll give it to someone special"
A man, not a boy.
Who honors, values, and respects me.
Who follow through on his word.
Who knows my heart has been damaged,
And wants to mend, nurture, and restore it
Rather than leave it even more bruised and tattered.
Who doesn't follow every ****-up
With the pathetic excuse that 'hurt people hurt people'.
Let me tell you something.
I am a hurt person.
But I sure as hell would never dream of harming you.
So "Maybe this year"
Just "Maybe this year"
I'll give it to someone special.
Naomi Jun 2018
If I feel some sort of contentment
Finally breaching peace of mind
Thinking maybe I can make it without you
Does that mean you are reaching the same point too?
And while I enjoy this release
The comfort is suffocating.
Because I don't want you to be okay without me
I want you to need me
Like I have needed you for so long
I'm not ready to let this dependency go
Please don't be ready either
Naomi Apr 2018
Feeling lonely and I wish I didn't
Longing for his touch and hugs
And I'm hating the broken heart
But it's easier than love
Naomi Oct 2018
Giving your heart
To another
Is like jumping off a bridge.
All you've ever known  
Is falling hard
And sure pain
From the one who promised to catch you.
An experience
You never want to repeat.
Naomi May 2018
Don't walk away
from something good,
just because of
bad timing
Naomi Mar 2018
I have heard
Time and time again
Once you fall in love
It all falls into place
But that has not proven to be true
No
I have heard
Time and time again
Once you fall in love
You can stand the tests of time
But that has not proven to be true
No
I have heard
Time and time again
Once you fall in love
The whole world will cheer you on
But that has not proven to be true
No
I have heard
Time and time again
Once you fall in love
Two hearts become one
But this has proven to be true
I know
I know because when I laid my head on his chest
I felt the beating
And the beating matched with mine
And the blood flow combined
And the souls began to intertwine
We were a burning ember that grew into a forest fire
The two hearts made one
They were powerful
They were strong
They were in love
Like oil on metal to stop it from rusting
Like gears in the clockwork to keep the hands turning
Like wheels on a car to keep moving forward
These hearts were a machine
But what happens when a part breaks?
And the metal rusts
And the gears get stuck
And the car won't drive
When he began to destroy his body
To destroy his heart
It destroyed mine
Because they are one
When the chemicals run through our combined blood
When the souls began to get angry and hurt
When his heart struggles to beat
So does mine
When it goes through his body
Enters into mine
When it goes through my body
Enters into his
And my soul
Suffers from collateral damage
Suffers from fear and concern
Suffers from envy and angst
But this is not my true soul
Because when the chemicals end
And the blood runs normal
And the machine begins to work
And the ember spreads back into a forest fire
My soul is full
My soul is pleased
My soul is now intoxicated with passion
The search for fulfillment
Can be found
In the mysteries
In the excitement
As I pray
The chemicals never again go through him
Never go through me
The thought of our ember dying
Makes me weak at the knees
Makes my gut wrench
Makes my hands shake
Learning from our faults
Guiding a lantern through the dark tunnels we enter
Correcting the miscalculatoins
Will bring together
Those two beating hearts
Matched one
Because I fell in love
With falling in love
With him
Naomi Dec 2019
I sit and contemplate
pen in hand
What to write
when I think about you.

I want to jot down
the things you have missed
the opportunities that could have been
the way my mind has spiraled out of control
the number of tears I've shed
I've counted them.

I want to scream out
angry that you can't hold me when I've needed to be held most
the fact that I have shifted
this tremendous weight of grief
onto every person who dares to be a shoulder to lean on.
It's not fair to them.
It's not fair.
It's not fair.
It's not fair.
You're not here.

You see,
We tend to dwell on death.
Like it's the only thing that defines who you are
once you're gone.

But that's far from true.
For Vita in Morte,
In death, there is life.
The sorrow that you are gone
Cannot compare to the fact that you have LIVED
You have BREATHED
You have laughed and danced and jumped and loved.
You have loved so greatly.
Why else would you be so missed, if it was not for the love you gave on this earth?
Your feet have walked miles on soft soil.
Your lips have sang sweet melodies that draws everyone near to come and listen.
Your hands have held those of small children, orphaned creatures, and tattered album covers.
Your have climbed the tallest mountains and swam in the warmest oceans.
You have cried and screamed and walked away.
You have made mistakes, lived with regrets and taken gut-wrenching chances.
You have made your presence known.
You have LIVED.

Author Charles Bukowski once wrote,
"You can't beat death. But you can beat death in life."
And I, for one, have never seen this task
more beautifully accomplished.

So as the unthinkable has now been slammed into your chest,
like being hit by a train, called "reality express"
Let us not focus on a cruel trick called death,
But by the way you lived before you took your last breath.
Naomi May 2019
Truth is,
he always belonged to another.
Another girl.
Another drug.
Another drink.
Naomi Aug 2018
If it’s true that home is where the heart is,
then you can share your heart with me.
I’ll hold it close
and keep it warm
I’ll unlock it with a key.
If you tell me home is what you need,
then home is what I’ll be.
Naomi Oct 2018
I fell in love with you
A little bit at a time
Like piecing together puzzle squares
Until it creates a complete picture
Of the intricate creation that you are.
Love does not happen in an instant
It takes time and patience.
Like a 1,000 piece puzzle,
There are 1,000 elements of you to discover.
And I sat down to reveal the beauty of each of your pieces
As they line up, connect, and create a whole.
The way you smile at me in bed in the morning
The way the light catches your blue eyes
The way you make me laugh when I don't want to
The way you let me cry as much as I need to
The way you know my thoughts before I do
The way you see beauty in me that I cannot see
The way you take my hand to guide me
The way you talk to your parents about me
The way you show me your view of the world
The way you feel like my person. My human. My love.
With you, I feel complete.
Your many puzzle pieces
Create a work of art
That has captured my heart.
It's no wonder
They call you a masterpiece.
Naomi Jul 2018
How dare she judge me
When she does not know me.

How dare you believe her
When you know me so well.
Naomi Jul 2018
Depression hits you
Whether you want it to or not
And you can't explain yourself to anyone
And you can't expect them to understand
And you try not to be a *****
And you try to use kind words
And you want to feel normal again
And you want to pull yourself together
So you wake up, take a shower, go for a walk
and sleep
You eat lunch, call your family, watch a show
and sleep
You're not hungry for dinner, but you eat dessert
And as the sun sets
You let your mind unspool
Remembering who you used to be
Facing yourself in the mirror
With bags under your eyes
And disappointment in your chest
All you can seem to do
Is turn the lights off
Lay in bed
Pull the covers up
and sleep
Naomi Jun 2018
When I think about
How much I miss you
My lungs catch fire
Naomi Jun 2018
You told me you still loved me
Loved me so much you couldn't handle it,
Yet you make love to other girls in the night
As I sleep alone.
Because I can't even look at another man the same way
That I look at you.
And you tell me that that's not fair?
I will be the one to say what's not fair.
And I say that while you tangle limbs with someone else,
I search for love in someone else too.
But come to find out
I can't have any love without you.
Naomi Nov 2018
I feel betrayed.
I feel abandoned.
I resent you.
I am angry
because
I want you to feel
the same amount of pain
that you have caused me.
....But then again,
I don't want that for you at all.
Naomi May 2018
Then it dawned on me,
If you love anything too much
It will **** you.
Naomi Sep 2018
I have perfected the art
of being too much
and not enough
at the same time
Naomi Jul 2018
I want to run away
I want to escape
I want to flee
To find a place
Where nobody knows my name
Knows my secrets
Knows my soul
Where I am free
To follow my heart
To disregard expectations
To love you
Standing by my side
We can start fresh
No regrets
Forget the past
And gaze upon tomorrow
Naomi Jun 2018
There is nothing
On earth
In the skies
In our bodies
That is more powerful than love.
Love overcomes all
Dreadful
Damaging
Degrading
Deficient
******
Things in this world
To make good
Of what has been bad
Naomi Oct 2018
You have dropped a bomb
And shattered my heart
Walking out on everything we built.
And every. single. molecule. in. my. body
Screams NO.
The tears run down my cheeks
Pleading for you to stay,
And drench the fabric of my shirt.
Like I just walked through a rainstorm
Which explains
They grey cloud that hangs over my head.
And the hole in my chest
That you once resided in.
But you left like a runaway teen,
And I filled out a missing persons report
For a soul that is no longer.
And the boy I once loved
Is standing right in front of me.
But alas it is hopeless,
For the boy I once knew
Is nowhere to be found.
The replacement
Is simply the shell of a boy
With no spirit, no heart.
Barely human.
I am so confused.
I want to hit you and hold you
I want to scream and kiss you
I want to push you down and touch your sweet face.
I want to remind you of the man
We dreamed you could become.
They say never to give up hope,
But I am **** near close to never hoping again.
Naomi Dec 2018
I want to smile,
I want to laugh,
I want to crinkle noses,
I want to touch fingers,
and play with hair.
I want to do it all again.
But this time,
Not with you.
Naomi Jun 2018
He filled concrete
in my broken sidewalk cracks,
a way to fill
my empty void.
He did not tell me
the concrete
was dissolvable
and temporary.
So when a rain of tears
fell into the cracks,
the concrete washed away,
and my empty void
emerged again.
Naomi Jul 2018
The fountain of youth
The fountain of life
Was shattered
In the midst of the chaos
When the damage has already been done
It rips you away
Taking you from us
Death can happen so quickly
When the realization hits
It sends you into tears
And there's nothing left to do
But fall to the floor
Hold you in my arms
And cry
Naomi Oct 2018
I will
Never
Ever
Be enough for you.

But my God
You were enough for me.
Naomi Jun 2018
I should have ran
While I still had the chance
Before you tied my hands
And chained my feet
Because now
How are you supposed to run?
When your heart wants to flee
But your body is trapped
Naomi May 2018
We tried to build love
From two broken foundations
I shouldn't have been surprised
That it couldn't hold the weight
Naomi Dec 2018
You are
A beautiful soul
Trapped in a tormented mind
Living in an unforgiving world
Naomi May 2019
A bond.
2. A love.
3. A touch.

1. I was born into a family with a sister already 12 years older than me. Growing up, you could say she was not only my mentor, but my role model. And my friend.

1. My sister and I have the exact same freckle on the left side of our chin. Same color hair. Same eyes. I think you could say we looked like sisters.

1. My sister died on October 24th, 2017.

1. Her friend, whom I had never met, began crying the moment he saw me at the cemetery. I made him cry because I looked so much like her. I don't know why, but to this day, it still haunts me.

2. I knew love was powerful, but I never fully knew its strength until I met him.

2. In part, when he relapsed, it felt like I had lost him too. Sometimes I find it harder to grieve the living than the dead.

2. Through all the confusion. The "I love you's" and the "*******'s." The kisses and the bruises. The toothy smiles and the trembling frowns. I fought to find where that powerful love had gone.

2. Now, after experiencing true love for the first time, all I can say is that sometimes, it is still not enough. It's power is truly deceiving.

3. I told myself that exploring my sexuality would be a good thing. That meeting men who appreciated my body would make me appreciate it more too.

3. When he pinned me down and told me "You invited me into your room. What did you expect?" I believed him. It shut my mouth and muted my cries for help.

3. When you've always been daddy's little girl, how do you look him in the eyes and tell him you've been *****?

3. I no longer view intimacy as a warm, exciting, and arousing touch in the hands of a lover. I view it as a tool of mistrust, personal gratification, and shame.

1. How special it is to have a blood bond with your favorite person. How swiftly the hands of death rip it away.

2. The easiest way to describe falling in love is that the butterflies in your stomach never stop. No matter how much time you spend with them. If you believe the butterflies can lift you up and carry you over any trouble in the relationship, you're wrong.

3. I never pictured **** to happen the way it did to me. I never thought I would blame myself as much as I do. His invasive words were even more harsh than his invasive body.

What I've come to find is that a bond, a love, a touch; thee beautiful concepts can become so tainted, so painful, in the too-rough fingers of this world.
Naomi Aug 2018
All you seem to be good for
Is breaking my heart
Even more
Than I thought was possible
Naomi Sep 2018
I used to think...
Uncertainty
Was exciting.
Exuberating,
"The thrill of the unknown"
Some may say.
The thrill of your unknown.
Was addicting.
Like a sudden high,
From a dangerously addictive drug.
You know the ones.
That made you into a monster.
The ones that turned that my thrill of you,
Into a "please get me off this ride".
Into a "I'm going to throw up if I have to go through another loop".
The amusement park.
All fun and games for you,
Had some flaws in the design.
And I didn't want to put my hands in the air as I took another drop.
No, I put my hands in the air to surrender.
Because uncertainty
Is not thrilling
When my heart is a slippery piece of glass,
And you've let it fall far too many times.
The broken pieces can be put back together,
But the scars will always remain.
You say you'll hold on tighter next time,
Yet you never do.
If I have learned anything,
I have learned that your unpredictability
Romanticized by my naive heart,
Has deprived me of my own strength.
I have learned to take my glass heart
Out of your dubious care,
And childish amusement playground.
It is not a toy to be carelessly tossed around,
Picked up only for your entertainment.
But rather set upon a throne
Of admiration and dedication.
As long as these selfish games of yours continue,
Then there are two things that I know to be true:
I will always be certain of myself,
And always uncertain of you.
Naomi Jun 2018
I really think
I’m always going to love you
I don’t know
What’s going to come of that
And I am terrified
Naomi Oct 2018
The things I have learned from men...
Are to accept
Hostility
Violence
Lust
Disappointment
Abandonment
and
Lies.
And call it love.
Naomi Nov 2018
When I say "I love you"
What I mean is
I am fragile, please don't break me
What I mean is
Do you love me too?
What I mean is
I've never known a healthy relationship
What I mean is
Maybe you'll stop sleeping with other people
What I mean is
Please don't leave me for her. again.
What I mean is
I hope you're in a good mood
What I mean is
Hopefully I won't end up bruised tonight
What I mean is
I have attachment issues
What I mean is
I'm too scared to let go
What I mean is
Will someone else besides you ever fall for me?
What I mean is
My self esteem is too low
What I mean is
You're the only person I've ever slept with
What I mean is
I don't want someone else to memorize the freckles on my face
What I mean is
You know me better than I know myself
What I mean is
Please stop lying to me
What I mean is
Please leave
What I mean is
Please don't ever leave.
When I say "I love you"
What I mean is
I am waiting to be loved right
But time is a virtue
And we don't have forever
Naomi May 2018
Maybe I knew the day would come
Maybe I didn't know
Maybe I didn't want to think about it
Because that would be accepting the reality
And reality is pathetic
And reality hurts
And I don't want pain
I feel enough of that
So instead I enjoy illusions
And fantasies
Or maybe they're just called lies
The lie that you really care
The lie that you're going to get better
The lie that you want help
The lie that you would never leave
The lie that you loved me
That's what you said
But in the end
The truth is always revealed
Naomi Nov 2018
How can you believe the truth
Coming from the lips of someone
Who don't even have
Their feet on the ground?
Naomi Nov 2018
You beg.
You cry.
You wager.
You scream.
For him to stay.
My my
silly girl,
He's already gone.

— The End —