I keep having dreams that
     you love me...
             *they hurt

It's funny
you were there the whole time
right in front of my face
I talked to you everyday
(even when I told myself I wouldn't)
as you supported my ever crumbling
self.
Reluctant in giving me up
or giving up on me
as half the time I was half blinded
-doubting
-second guessing
feeding myself uncertainties
while believing the lies of others.
Yet you remained here
through it all
after everything I've ever
engulfed into your life.
-pain
-heartache
swept into your life without warning
the empty words that secretly
were teeming with a truth even I hid from myself
but I knew it deep down.
I really did.
And I thought about it a lot
(thought about you a lot)
and yes, there you are
in front of me smiling, still here
after all that I put you through
holding my hand beside me
and finally, I see it
and it is mine
and I've never been happier.

A frigid breeze
cloaks the profile
of my form
shaves the contours
of my face
electrifies the capacity
of my lungs
in a bare blackness
of a night animated
by casted
stars.

The ugly within
         is framed in gold
a picture-perfect monster
              dressed and poised
                          to ****

I want to eat an injection
taste the insanity of the host
savor the anxiety
relish the intensity
of the addiction
of every fiber in my being
pulling
almost ripping through my skin
clawing towards
the insatiable screaming
for more

As every new piece falls into place
it's almost as if every new spectacle
makes the world spin a little slower somehow,
the buzzing and humming of
everyday life
grow faint.
The birds sing a little softer
even populations an ocean away
calm themselves
to listen.

New thoughts are crawling, picking through your
nights and chest in every intense
instant that you're silent
knowing that the only fitting conclusion
is when you
melt and burn
everything in reach,
in thought,
in sight.
To forge a new beauty in the
ashes.
Untouchable in it's eternal glory
that it strikes like lightning inside you
and pulsates like a sore exhaustion within you,
burning it's message into the minds
and throats of all who encounter it.

The moment you begin, it will
grab you by the collar, draw
you in close, demand your
attention, and brush away reality
until...
the words are all you know,
the feeling is all that dwells as an epicenter,
your actions take spark and ignite like sporadic hellfire,
consuming your once well known existence.
All because...
the pulsating force inside you
ripping you apart
is too powerful to hold inside any longer.
A parasitic longing engulfs you
the nature,
the emotions,
it clasps itself
and secures itself
to you.
Hook.
Line.
And sinker.

And as you ponder its cause,
its hectic reign,
you decide you want to recreate it,
if you could only find the words...
or even the sense to do so,
and to understand why.
It's gnawing at your conscious
and disrupting your curiosity.
It's peaked,
and there's nothing there
beside you
under you
no support or basin
to catch it when it
pours out
and overflows.
Wasted, covering the floor.
But you're not too far off it now, are you?
Maybe.
You KNOW it's hard to wait for something you know might not happen.
but
can you make it happen
with the shear thought?
Or will actions have to take place?
Something that will have to happen.
Some things that you've never attempted.
Or some that haven't even
cut across your morals.

Knowing, whenever you begin,
it's as if the world slows down a little
and listens
and waits
and waits
and the few uninspired phrases you scribble
down in a feeble attempt to latch yourself into
a safe spot in a lucid environment
they stop coming.
And you freeze.
And it blurs before your eyes,
which twitch,
suddenly unable to decipher the clever coding before you
that you don't even comprehend what
you yourself are writing
what you're thinking
what you are doing and what you are
putting into motion.
And that same rhythm that once came so easily
that once took you by the hand in a delight surprise
beating in sync with your innocent and glorious heart
MAY BE the place that catapults you
somewhere where nothing matters
or where nothings mattered in the first place.
A realization into a new universe
where it was simple, except the page in your hand
and your willingness to express
and your subconscious will to absorb.

Now?
Every letter, every phrase,
every spoken syllable even,
has a hollow ring
that used to ring so true
populations an ocean way
stop to listen
stop.
to listen.
But all they hear?
Is you
fall apart.
That pulsating force?
Is trapped behind the walls of frustration and ink
tearing at your seams and
shredding your sense of being
your sense of knowing yourself
collapsing you
immobilizing you
right to edge of it all,
and then it reconstructs you
from the inside out.

Every new letter
makes the world spin a little slower
and your diseased and revolting struggle
last a little longer
and makes you ponder:
Does this sound like thunder?
Like roars of oceans and seas of innocent cries?
Of suffering
and injustice?
That God intends this all to happen for a reason?
Thin echoes in the distance,
echoes of a truth
no longer worthy of being heard
ring true
but hidden.
Does this look like freedom?
or right words in wrong places?
Craving life from
within their blue lined boundaries
inside homes where they'll never belong
where they'll never be searched for
or discovered
or interrogated.
A secret that's not so secret
under blankets of mangled beliefs.
What we thought we knew,
is all wrong.
So what do we know?
Does this feel like an earthquake?
Do you reverberate every syllable in your essence?
A population an ocean away
stop
and wait
and listen
but what they hear from you
currently
is a million words that escape
your gaping mouth
when all that is truly coming out
is a sick silence.

Not felt anymore
when it's released into my system
it's there
the results still attend
but what used to feel so grand
now contends it's very process
catches me by surprise
and sprouts my chronic hatred
that has developed for
this shameful frame

Bounty on your head
Don't judge me
it's 2 a.m
and it's about time
for electric luxuries
than the ghost who treads
in the whitest of  valleys

Can easy mac be used
in reference to care and foresight?
Because I can't forsee the reach
I'm about to give
so I'm entangled in an objective
to reach correct perspective
can things such as easy mac be used
to solve this disease?

I dreamt of caskets,
             reduced--
                      leisurely--
                              ­   into the swelling harbor
           by primitive mechanics and composed
    of broken stature.

          She dreamt of a day spent
               lazily snoozing in the
                  grass in her front yard and evenings-
          walking the sidewalks and the streets.
                 Two men grabbed her
            and she tried to scream but
                                      she could not--
                                  And it was all a little bit--
                                                           ­    horrifying.

               We sat in a tube slide.
                  She told me I was comfortable.
   I took notice to her charcoal coated finger tips so
          I asked her what she drew,
                   and she said a kangaroo,
            hiding behind a gravestone in a thunder storm.

             I was paralyzed with grief and fault
                     after leaving an old friend for
                        the final time with no farewell.
                Painful, heartbreaking in stereo.
            
      She usually had med-dead eyes and such a
                luscious smile, though
                   eyes were still like green foliage,
       which killed me with every gleam or glimpse.

    She grabbed my leg and stared at me with
                         adamant conviction.
          Distant greens now alive.
      Electric sighs and static breathes,
     words never reformed or well thought out.
Simply on--
                the--
                    spot--
                            thought...
      “Never apologize for things that aren’t your fault,” she said.
   She was only sixteen.

Unattended
please disregard
my altered announcements
are extended
because understanding the reason
is not something I recall
and I'm too far gone
absent
I fall
into normality
conflicted in the frictioned chaos
it is implied
but unspoken

I can't keep battling this
staring from below
from designer candles
clawing up wax walls of
robust denial.
Screaming for ascension
to disguise the integrity
of rudimentary expectations
lacking a manageable approach,
but have you noticed lately?
I'm only human
and my actions are just as so.

I struggled to stick a tooth pick in my mouth
conflicted attempts
when a cigarette was already there
resting patiently on my lips
eager for opportunity
ready and waiting it's forever faithful turn
in a line that leads to the fire
that sparks it's beginning
it's short lived life
basked in a soulful resistance
to the care of my body

I have the windows down
for the first time it's 60 degrees this night.
I'm sweaty from my workout
the breeze is causing the hairs on my arm to stand on end.
The cold is mildly to somewhat uncomfortable,
but I refuse a jacket so I can at least feel something right now.
I blast my ****** up music as high as it can go
so the vibrations hit my arm hairs.
I need the sensation to remember I'm here
as I autopilot this car home.
Anything past my headlights isn't there,
and you can't tell me it is.
Anything closer is a day dream.
And the eye's the prize
because this isn't sweat rolling down my cheek, just my furrowed temple.
That's tears my friend
and salt is all the same when it stings into wounds.
Don't worry, though,
I'll be home soon.
For what that's worth nowadays.

Take to the rhythm like blood to white
The right to write what I want
The flight from flight to height
Basically from the bottom to the tip
Top tip my top off and hope the hearts
not too hot
Memories fade, thoughts rot
Full conversations condensed
to abbreviated talk
You can see it when I walk
Memory shocked, my brains been
rocked
Too bad I forgot what I was taught
inside my mind fought
To remember but
my brains dismembered
I shouldn't've tampered with
the humane thermostat
just left

You-
                          Or what I can reach
                               Of you-
                            Is cold under my
                                              fingers. Hard
                                                            ­  and unforgiving
                                                     ­ and I can’t grasp,
                                             my hands just slide.
                                                     Anxiety.
                                             And I
                                                      bang.
   ­                                               Fist.
            ­                              And
                                            screams.
           ­                             Mouth words
                                              “read my lips”
                                                         Desperate.
                                                      ­           Distant.
                                                        ­            Plead, cry, my hands
                                                           ­    Numb and lungs
                                                        Abu­sed with the effort
                                                           And I slowly
                                                 Realize
 ­                                             That if I don’t
                                        Break this                   barrier
                                          There’s no way in
                                                 Hell
                                   You’ll ever hear me

I really couldn't
decide what was supposed
to occur, but I realize
the fact that in a crowded
room, I will constantly be searching
for those eyes that hide what is
actually happening behind
that mask and inside the
stashed away parts that are
in fact true and pure.

We are waiting
We are watching
We are waiting
to end everything

We have a plan
for disaster
a recipe for
exclusion

The infection is
spreading
to our hearts
and our minds

We are watching
We are installed
We are watching
In an instilled horror

We are poisoned
by our own
futile hopes
and silly dreams

Hemlock tastes the way
It should;
Like death and disaster
With a peculiar hint of dedication

We are installed
We are enthralled
We are installed
In this idiosyncratic world

We step forth and expand
Blame it all on
The vendetta on
our youth

We are killing
each other slowly
to prepare
for the newest end

Show your skills, rippled shoe strings
that stretch across your hi def reach
ringing bells of desperation
as ridicule infests your lungs.
Rip open the box to reveal sunshine trivials
dabbled with stationed wagons
filled to the brim with newspaper quantams
and this fear to breath.
Reapers hold, besides revival,
and conjure greatness with health adjourned
bring yourself to shame
unadorned
prepare for this standpoint
and persistent sins

If I pass out
I deeply apologize
I'm here as my body let's me
poor choices
and bad ideas
they're reinging their way into me
through me
it's crazy
I have to go soon I think
it's happening
it's got me shaky
and scared as hell
what do I do?
bye

I snapped my shoudler
back and apart
my girlfriend's a schizophrenic
and I'm shy to sandcastles
The crank lost it's last *****
a one person axe yard
because he's married to smokes
though the cutest couple
goes to Columbia and Magenta
as Batman's into bandanas
so put one on the handle
though a wrist will be as good as plenty
as the campfire fades away
with gentlemen of sorts

You cheat on me with
them and lie to me
about it. It makes
me want to throw up.
It makes me hate
myself deeply. It brings
back memories that are
disgusting.
Hurt.
Abuse.
Suffocating.
That's how it used to be.
"Swallow!"
Harshly said, because
they hate you, and so
do the rest.
Cough. It's infecting
my lungs as well.
You shouldn't exist. Stick
out your tongue and we'll
put this lit demon
out on it. Taste the
defection and the ash. Feel
the burn. Enjoy the
hatred and sick
pleasure they take in
the action of the cause.
We know it's wrong
and we choose to look
past these pains. Selfish affect
effects our better selves.
How does that feel in your
stomach? It felt depressing
as they force slid it down
my throat
in all literal terms.
They laughed. And
yelled. Development of
a physical sickness in my
insides and in my
mind. Make this stop. Please,
stop... Why can't you choose
me over them? No one has
ever chosen me over it all.
I can't deal with this cycle.
I can't remember. Something
will have to change.

We can run together in a reality of our own,
Built upon the notion that such one can exist,
Chasing white rabbits with golden pocket chained watches,
We can see were the wild things are
And ask all the questions we’ve hidden sheepishly under our beds.
We can open closet doors and discover new adventures,
Greeted by a lamppost which we can light by hand,
Matches burning to reflect what we see,
As we peer in awe into the looking glass.
We exist together, forever and always,
Finding out who’s on top of that small speck of dust,
Confronting him with a “Why hello there young mister!”
And then bid him a polite adieu.
Tip our top hats to mystery men in monocles,
Slow dance in the rain as if not a drop will strike us,
As devious cats watch gleefully with sly smiles,
We turn gracefully in time to the cadence of the storm.
This place is one we can escape to,
The ladder into the land of many,
Somewhere we can call our own,
And exist as if this can mean to be,
Where men hide behind their mustaches
And children gallivant in their sand castle worlds,
But we can simply stay here, my dear,
Among what can be perceived as basic and unforgiving,
But that’s the way the cards are dealt to us,
And we make do.
Here we can exist as we are meant to be.

When you tossed across my chest
nails as sharp as words
they cut rifts into our clavicles
spouting ruthless tension
on top of broken hearts
while restricting these wired lungs.

Stunned, she whispered,
       *"It is like I'm combing
                through fire."

I want to be immersed in the emotion
I want to feel it as it gasps from within your throat
revealed, shocked just as I'd be
scared, but sure of it's riveting truth
when you speak those words to me.

It's felt
it's prickling my skin
tiny jabs
remember what you need?
It ruptures a ruckus
in the confines of prudence
it catapults a cacophony
of malice at my brain.
It's a barrage of unwanted emphasis
a fierce and hot tension
erupting a desire
unrivaled and distinct
melting my insides
into a puddle of hate

I looked into your eyes today
as we sat in brown plastic chairs
like we do every Tuesday,
routine to discussion and group.
In that moment, my head lost itself
completely
spinning into a state that I find
leaves me feeling content.
All that came out of my mouth
was the absence of words,
and fumbling to think straight
I look away in a strange and rushed silence.
did we really just make eye contact?
and I gripped your hand tighter
as I simultaneously fought memories
that battle me relentlessly
assured though
that I'm not alone with this
and how I crave another dance with you
in the rain.

You said you cared, it's
all ******* so why the ****
do I even try?

Throwing up rainbows
of memories now
I just don't know what to feel right now.
Falling from euphoria
"I'm fine" is the simplest statement.
You've got to make the best of it.
Would you please clap your hands?
All dolled up
we're all gonna die
this scientific illustration
is telling us to lend a sitting ovation
as in other news
nostalgic nonsense
as people all over the world hold hands

I'm waiting for you
since this early morning
where the night still is
and what is is still not here.
The lovely loner
cocooned in the sheets
and masked shame with
lies to share.
Your awful vagueness
and broken words
cuts in the air beside my head.
My chest screams for assurance
why won't you give it to me?
You claim it's all alright
but your eyes shift in ways
that make my heart panic.
Why are you doing this to me?

I set our elephants alight
witnessing as their cores dripped
as fire warmer their bellies.
I was hoping that maybe that fire
It'd reach their hearts
and all over their body they'll
feel the warmth, the tingling
sensation, maybe
they can have that,
maybe it could transfer
on.
Say something
reveal something
a warmth I tried to achieve today
by taking a scalding shower
to where my skin hurt
all over
and all I was causing was more pain.
Nothing compares to the warmth
of the elephants heart
and nothing compares to the warmth
of your touch,
the love of your heart
not a thing even comes remotely
close.

Deaden
eat the anesthetic
immobilize
you've swallowed the sickness
tense
and digest
realize
the condition is terminal
if you keep on
this prosthetic infection
numb
gone to affection
substantial reality
unfeigned
you're taking wired
deceit
and tainted
addictive
lies
hollow promises
that fade out
and two time your eyes
that engorge in getting progressively
horrendous
planting a holocaust within your
insides
that hurts
that stains
that agonizes
the many around you
those few close to you
ripping them up
destroying that one that would do anything
for you
their lives
and yes you too
it doesn't forget
it can't
it takes it all into account
even when you don't
when you can't
it gleefully watches the struggle
the diseased suffering
and you keep on trekking that
self destructive trail
in the midst of a mist
so unsure
and insecure
keeping you grounded
in a life that's actually not
and it's turning those
in sequence
to actually nots
recall?
but you don't
or can't
who can tell?
but
instead of ruining
this real world
live what's actually there
face it
with them
and yourself
as just yourself
even with the little
painsake mistakes
there's a
glistening future ahead
refine time
to be here
awake
nothing else
but you
alive

I need an exit
when the plan goes according to
thought
recount
let's not rot
what's this?
Dropping milk
I want to sing
bring people to community
to know what it means
when eyes enter states
and pupils dilate
it's somewhere far away
I believe it
to be true
do I have to say it?
I'm sure it's read
in the lines between the
words I hoard in
cavernous is this cage
and it's in position
stiff with tense
anticipation
three squeezes
says it all

Here and there
changes
tear.
Warning facilitates
timeless
fares.

Hearts gorged out
replaced by aesthetics
which are merely diuretics
batting their eyelashes
pretending to be something
they're not

My name is a mosh pit
I'm a charming wreck
stick to your guns
and shoot me now while you have the chance
or forever hold your peace
as you stuff that handkerchief
back into your pocket.
Bullets astray
as eyes are locked and loaded
chained to this moment
like a prisoners redemption.
I shout between shackles
and next tomorrows resolutions
*"If looks could ****, baby,
you'd cause a holocaust with each glance."

Lost and empty. To
you, is this what was
expected?
What passes as
hurting me less?
Because right now
I feel like I'm rotting,
the pain is eating me
from the inside out,
and with you, I
felt so amazing
and alive.
I felt whole.

It's nice to be more than just a sound bite
when it's the same song
everywhere you go

filling up ears and music bars
hearts encased with waves
emptying out pages and mason jars
out into the streets

brim this to the top of the alley
sideways glance at the telly
cracks and photographs aplenty  
this one is going to be a riot
for sure

I remember when it was too hot to sleep
and life was a bright mixture of the nostalgia
the longing for more
but the satisfaction in knowing the dreams
they are there
and here the fools are abroad
and loaders among the scene
everlasting falls of existence
and the rises are continuous in their
sly factions and ridiculous convictions
but we cannot break what is not ours
inherit the backlash of a revolution intertwined
and sleep with a volume tonight

Excuse me sir
the mirrors talk
and in this hole
they say you can reach a million
that you can stir wonder in many
but it's cheap entertainment
really though
it's all in good fun
I say it's just a start

Skies metallic love
Drowns out-- rusted down because
Below is above

I shed more tears this
night and day, more than the sum
since I first met you