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3d · 202
12
angel 3d
12
With all the friends I lose,
I think of you and
How I couldn't save you

Sometimes I think
what if it was you here
instead of me

And then I'm stuck here
wishing it was you here,
not me
We were only twelve years old vee. We were two too young suicidal kids trying to keep one another alive. I ******* miss you with all my heart, mi flore.
angel 4d
They gave me back
my scale after awhile

I tried to be discreet

But today I was caught
looking down
at the numbers
between my feet

My eyes were misty
and I wanted to cry

but I felt a presence so
I blinked until
I was no longer visually
on the verge of crying
When I was a little girl, I hated being so skinny. Now that I'm older, that's all I force myself to be. To those in my family bigger than me, they scoff at my "dilemma" saying I'm lucky. My feelings are invalidated because I should be lucky to be small. It's exactly the reason I cry when I gain weight- you made me believe if I did, I would no longer be pretty. But I should be grateful, right?
angel 5d
We stare at one another
in thirty-degree weather
it's a Wednesday morning
no one knows that we're together

I've finally calmed down
As he holds me in his arms

"What do you want to do?"
He says into my ear
"You can't be out all night
you've got to go home soon-"

I sigh, not able to talk
but he understands:
I don't want to be alone
and I don't want to be home

He puts his head
in the crook of my neck
and begins to cry

This is what I needed-
vulnerability without
interrogation;
and he was the perfect guy

I play with his hair
as he lets it out
I guess we both aren't
who we seemed to be
But at this moment
I don't question anything
I just needed a presence and so did he. He's made it clear we aren't friends;
we were just hurting. Thank you for letting it out, and letting me vent.
Thank you for the blanket, and as you said, "hopefully we never meet up like this again."
5d · 23
last session
angel 5d
Last night was our last meet,
that our time together was up.

She advised me to stay on my break,
but what's the point
if there's no check-up.

I don't think I've cried so hard in a day,
I guess this is how it ends..

Far away from home, I'm back at the railroads
Crying and incoherently screaming my pain at the wind.
My voice is gone and my tears have stained-
I didn't expected to mourn my ********* this way
angel 5d
You said you'd always be there for me,
now I know it's not true,
You said you'd always be there for me,
but only when it's convenient for you.
I'm all alone. Scared. And your nowhere to be found.
It hurts to know I am desperate enough to drop everything for you,
but I'm either not enough or too much.
6d · 69
Stitched Heart
angel 6d
He put me on a pedestal
as he sews my heart together.

He would later push me away,
claiming that I deserved better.

As he shut the door I noticed,
he accidentally stitched thread to his jeans.

So as he kept walking,
he pulled my heart;
it slowly falls apart at the seams.
A heart a doctor can't fix
6d · 138
No Answer
angel 6d
I was looking for an answer,
yet never received a response.

I know that you had seen it,
wonder what were your thoughts.

I'm just looking for some closure,
secretly something more...

Please, just be direct and honest;
that's all I'm asking for.
Well, did you? Would you let me know?

- beginning to use tags again
Jan 7 · 368
Age doesn't matter
angel Jan 7
We aren't getting any older,
we're dying while we're young
I hated the phrase "we aren't getting any older" but it's true. We don't and we aren't. time means death. We die old and young.
Jan 6 · 33
18
angel Jan 6
18
I'm holding onto eighteen;
hoping this will change.
I'm holding onto eighteen;
like it's a waiting game.
Jan 6 · 215
Losing you to Karma
angel Jan 6
Maybe this was karma for what I've done.
And like they say, it bites back hard.
If I knew it would be you,
I would've never even done it.
I never cared for karma until I thought the reason I lost you was due to karma
Jan 6 · 33
love me, love you
angel Jan 6
To give everything they have to me;
all their energy, love, and effort.
Oh, how I imagine to be loved the way I love.
he says he loves me, you dont
Nov 2021 · 61
gods' gamble
angel Nov 2021
You blindly believe in Santa Claus
and were yearly surprised by the gifts
he brought for you until you found out
it was never him, to begin with.
So isn't that god too?
You blindly believe in him and
do so by believing in these little miracles-
by believing you got better through him?
No, honey- it wasn't God.
It was a chance.
It was a gamble.
He's Santa Claus; his miracles
are gambling chips.
Why believe in what you don't see?
[draft' 10/14
Nov 2021 · 41
x
angel Nov 2021
x
Drinking, doing drugs are my current past-times;
It's the only way to survive this awful ******* lifetime.
[draft]
Nov 2021 · 38
Is someone there?
angel Nov 2021
I feel them over my shoulder as I type;
in the corner of my eye or nearby when
in bed at night; sometimes I see them
through a movement in light from my eye;
under the table when I write...sometimes
I can hear them when the wind is tuned just right.
But when I look over, I see no one;
I just feel the presence;
I feel the fear and the dread of someone
who has no form; no head; the unknown.
paranoia
Mar 2021 · 42
No Place Like Home
angel Mar 2021
I sat on the bus, knees pulled into me
One hand clutching the seatbelt,
the other a controller to shuffle my songs
I lean against the cushion of the seat
with eyes closed; gently being rocked
and forth from the road
I don't understand until tears begin to slip out
that no matter where I go,
I'll never have a place to call home
Feb 2021 · 46
Msg 2128
angel Feb 2021
I know I'm not enough; I'll never be enough.

I know it's not enough; it'll never be enough.

I try to give you my everything, including all of me-
but you keep pushing me away;
and as you push me away- the realization sinks in:
You'll Never come to Love me, as I Have Loved You.

As I Still Do.

It's not enough for me to live within your memory;
It's not enough for me for you to live within mine.

I can't live within you.

I can't handle knowing you live only within' me.

Please,

Love me.
Use me.

As Jareth had said: "Love me, Fear me,
Do as I say, and I will be your slave."

The only thing that should bound us is our love;
so love me.

The only fear you should have is losing me;
only thing of you to fear is the loss of me.

The only command I will say is to keep it this way;
after that i's vice-versa, I shall do as you say.

Forever and yours,

I am your slave.

Bound by the shackles of desperation and validation,
I will continue trying to break free from these
only due to the fact of my deprivation of love and lack of it.
[Error: Msg 2128 - The message could not be delivered due to a temporary network error. Please try later.] ~ heavily inspired by David Bowie's - "Within You"

Here is my declaration of love and desperation that will never send, due to a network error of my own accord...I keep turning off the wifi-signal as soon as I press send.
Feb 2021 · 281
Attached
angel Feb 2021
I thought I could be strong,
but with you on my mind;
I always prove myself wrong.
I'm drunk on the memory of you~ <3
Jan 2021 · 269
immobile love
angel Jan 2021
I've realized everyone tells me to
let go and never look back;
but it makes me hold on tighter to
what we ha(d)(ve).
[draft] 11/09/20
I still hold onto
what I no longer have
Jan 2021 · 1.2k
dearest devil
angel Jan 2021
God said that I was his favorite,
but the Devil leaned and whispered:
"I used to be his favorite too."
Jan 2021 · 272
Paranoia Plague
angel Jan 2021
Paranoia runs through my veins everywhere I go.
I don't feel alone when I'm at home alone;
I feel watched and stalked as I roam the streets alone;
I constantly feel dread and think of the worst,
you can tell me your loyalty to me but I'll question your words.
You can reassure me and occupy me,
but I'll always come back to how I was-
plagued by the paranoia of the unknown.
Jan 2021 · 2.6k
Why! Why Me!
angel Jan 2021
It was so long ago, but as soon as the dreams
or flashbacks enter; it's her reality once again.
Dropping to the floor, she begins to cry silently
at first...until she begins to scream at the walls again.
Huddled against the bath floor, she no longer felt
the comfort or protection of the hot air nor the
warm water that beaded her body behind the curtain.
Crawling into the fetal position in her bed, she covers both
palms against her mouth as she cries and screams silently.
His hands are back under her waistband; caressing her skin
with his rough hands. She begins to shake as she feels his
breathing on her neck as if she was there in bed with him again.
The shower is no longer comforting but reminds her how
vulnerable she is. As she curses and pleas for whys and hows;
another flashback hits her. The pool is where he grabbed her,
touching her mound and even thrusting himself against her;
but she can't do anything; she's still. Thrashing in her bed,
she struggles to contain the sobs that emit as she sits up in her bed.
Next, she's in the classroom where who she thought was her friend
slipped a hand down her shorts in the darkroom, but she pushes him
back and tears slip out of her eyes as she moves away from him.
As she stands in her towel staring at her bloodshot eyes in the mirror,
she almost snarls at herself; "But you let it happen; it's your fault."
As if her reflection was another person, she breaks into fits of cries again,
"I didn't want it and they did an-"
She opens her eyes to wake up to her room; alone.
She didn't feel anything but disgust as she got up, heading
straight to the bathroom for another shower.
As she starts it and begins to strip, she stares at herself in the mirror,
frowning in disgust at her body that people seemed to want to take
advantage of; even when she wasn't of age. She was barely even a woman.
As she climbs into the shower, she sits in the floor with her face
in her hands with the question that she's been asking since she was barely eleven: Why? Why? Why?! Why?! Why! Why Me!
Night terrors and a small form of PTSD plagues her life of male hands that have grabbed her
Jan 2021 · 54
Love is Blindness
angel Jan 2021
"You don't know, do you?" He seems to ask me.
Before I can even speak, he silences me with a scoff:
"You're the only light I've ever known to see in this world of darkness- and it's selfish that I want you to stay with me because as I waited for my angel to show up, here you are to be fitted with the Devil, himself."
I look up to him for the first time, but all he does is lift a finger to my lips.
"Shhhhh, Mi Amor, you deserve the best; not this. Why can't you see that?"
If you feel as if you love someone, or know you love someone, you usually ignore the faults; despite the fact that they are posted right in front of you like little signs. Your love blinds you so you do not see any of the imperfections and toxic habits they display; you only see the good, ignore or put up with the bad. [draft 11/30/20}
Jan 2021 · 44
Pt.4 Him
angel Jan 2021
I had a dream I can no longer remember,
but I know it had something to do with you.
I muffled my cries at night before drifting to sleep.
Because of you.
I woke up in my hotel room with red eyes after calling out your name.
Because of you.
This is the second time this has happened.
Yet I always say-
"At least I got to see you today."
At least I got to see you today..hmph.
October 27th [draft]
Jan 2021 · 204
red light, green light
angel Jan 2021
I begin to go colorblind,
seeing all the red flags
flash to green
I used to justify your behavior(s) and make up excuses, now look where we are
Jan 2021 · 862
grooming~
angel Jan 2021
I begin to miss their attention
even though it was wrong

I never felt more important
then when they told me

"you're mature for your age"
her ignorance was bliss. his knowledge of this was a dark abyss, so he became progressive and patient for his own gain; which would become her future pain.
Dec 2020 · 391
abuse pt.2
angel Dec 2020
I made the mistake of believing
I could change you when I can't;
you don't intend to, so how could I?
You made the mistake of believing
I was wrapped around your finger,
and would never leave you, but I will;
just give me some time.
writing as i listen to motionless in white
[draft]
Dec 2020 · 223
abuse pt.1
angel Dec 2020
how could you contribute so little,
but control so much of what we had?
how could I give you everything,
but never get what I give back?
gosh, i hate you
Dec 2020 · 219
prevarication
angel Dec 2020
a secret is an act of omission;
while lying is an act of deception.
where did this come from?
draft
Dec 2020 · 48
Would you?
angel Dec 2020
When you ask me what's on my mind,
would you listen to what I would say
if I hadn't replied, "it's nothing; nevermind."
When you ask me what's on my mind,
would you run away if I told you the precise
detail of what is going on; no matter how
morbid and disturbing; annoyingly naive;
depressing and sorrowful; happy and cheery;
it may be.
I doubt it.
draft
Dec 2020 · 820
Real or Not Real
angel Dec 2020
I feel so detached from reality,
I begin to question everyone;  
everything; and anything around me.
12/02/20 draft
Dec 2020 · 83
Exploiter
angel Dec 2020
I used to play people,
as I used to play on
my glass chess-set.
I was neither desperate
nor eager to lose,
but I've never lost a pawn;
the only time they were
gone was if I rid them
purposefully due to bore.
I cry when I say I'm not her anymore
Not our of mourning, but out of happiness
angel Dec 2020
Death was jealous of me;
and why wouldn't he be?
I am life; before, current, and after.
He is Death; he may be before and after,
but is doomed to a life of limbo within past.
As he sits beside me, cradling my hand in his;
the conversation begins as set in stone; as old as time.
"They all want you," he tells me, "They all
want to live by your hand and never to die by mine."
As I turn to him, lifting a hand up to his skeletal face,
caressing where the skin had been long ago,
before telling him once again:
"They can't have me without you, which is why they
must thrive on the beautiful lie I give, which is life-"
"And accept the painful truth of that lie that I possess, which is death,"
he finishes for me. As his eyes soften to inhale my touch; as my mouth finds his skeletal one; the skin will then return to his figure for me to feel;
his hands return to caress and hold mine as I breathe into him temporay life.
As William Penn had said, "The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves." As well as to phrase Norman MacDonald, "Jealousy seldom punishes with the severity suffers;" to Death, my love, you've suffered many lifetimes that you will never be granted. I mourn you, Death, that you'll never find the peace or place that you establish to others as they pass; that you'll finish others' lives, but never your own. To Life: Take care and watch over him. To Death: Preserve yourself and watch over her.
Nov 2020 · 680
Death(死)
angel Nov 2020
I'm so close to death
that his breathing seems
to fan my face
[draft - 11/30/20}
Nov 2020 · 54
Rollercokester
angel Nov 2020
I swore I wouldn't do this again.
Not after the first time.
I even found out about how
the addiction ran through my
blood from family.
I shook that out of my head-
anything to forget just for a while.
It stung for a second,
wiping at my nose.
She started giggling as she fell back.
She held my hand and told me,
"Enjoy the rollercoaster."
I sat down ready to hallucinate the colors
and funny sensations-
to find that euphoric state again.
but I forgot about the paranoia;
my heart beating fast;
my stomach pumped with anxiety;
hell, I even forgot about the voices...
I didn't care to remember until now.
I looked at her as her face seemed to blur,
"Enjoy the rollercoaster."
It seemed to echo until I couldn't seem
to remember no more.
What finds me - True Widow
{draft] july 28th
Nov 2020 · 327
ingénue
angel Nov 2020
you may pretend/have innocence,
but we both know that you're mind
is far from virginal, honey

N.A.L
yesterday's draft 11/10/20
Oct 2020 · 307
?
angel Oct 2020
?
I don't mind being led on by you-
just as long as you'll have me.

n.a.l
To All That He Elong - True Widow
Oct 2020 · 660
there goes my ox-eye daisy
angel Oct 2020
(s)he loves me...
(s)he loves me not...
(s)he loves me...
(s)he loves me not...

I keep picking petals
because I'm afraid (s)he doesn't love me anymore...

(s)he loves me...
(s)he loves me not...
(s)he loves me...
(s)he loves me not...

I keep picking petals
because I want to know if (s)he loves me anymore...

(s)he loves me...
(s)he loves me not...

there goes my ox-eye petals grazing the floor.


N.A.L
July 24th [draft]
Oct 2020 · 88
hard truth(s)
angel Oct 2020
stop playing hard to get
and be easy to lose.
they'll take you for granted
and want someone new.
July 25th [draft]
Jul 2020 · 117
don't carry to break
angel Jul 2020
"We cannot piggyback other people
throughout our own life,
they'll break your back and leave
with their's intact."

N.A.L
[draft] an old ex of mine resurfaced and wrote this for me. I asked permission to share it but he told me to keep it as my own, so thank you. I'm proud of you for going to rehab and I am proud you changed yourself for this girl, she is oh-so lucky to have someone who would change his bad habits because not many do so. Even if it wasn't for me and even if it was never going to be me and you, in the end- I am happy you still decided to involve me in your life one last time. Live forever in youth with your lady.
May 2020 · 133
Patience
angel May 2020
Slow down, you're doing fine.
Everything comes in time.

N.A.L
patience has not always been a virtue
May 2020 · 585
Current call
angel May 2020
They aren't interested in theater,
yet they put on a show.
They say innocent until proven guilty,
but I could never have known.
Apr 2020 · 1.3k
beneficial friends
angel Apr 2020
You make me feel good
in more ways than one.
And as much lust, trust,
comfort, joy, fun, comedy,
connections, anger, and
so much more that we share
with one another-
we will never ever come
close to love.
[draft] friends with benefits
Apr 2020 · 202
checkmate
angel Apr 2020
The pieces beside you
are the ones you need
to have by your side.
The opposite end
are the enemies
you'll meet
through life.
This is the game of chess;
and it's your life.
To win, make a move.
To lose- you'll meet your
doom.
Life is a game, as chess is one too.
Where we gladly accept without fully
knowing what to do.
Apr 2020 · 229
no pressure; no diamonds
angel Apr 2020
she prayed to shine
as a diamond does;  
but begged for death
when the pressure comes;
as the volcanic eruption
lets her go;
she got through it
and brightly shone.

N.A.L
don't ask to be a diamond
and not expect pressure.
Apr 2020 · 78
Dreaming(夢)
angel Apr 2020
I wake up.
It was all a dream.
With tears in my eyes,
threatening to spill.
I smile through it.
At least I got to
be with you for a bit;
even if it was just a dream.

N.A.L
Apr 2020 · 75
Thantophobia
angel Apr 2020
I think that I'm scared to tell
myself what is true.
And what's true is that
whenever I think of you:
I know that I'm still
in love with you.

But what is scarier
is after that all this time;
what if you don't?
What if you say that
I am your past;
not your future.
What if you laugh
and I am just a story
to all your friends;
the girl who loved you
too much.
What if I ask you;
do you think of me?
What do you think
of me?
Will you say,
"Everyday;" or,
"I don't."

N.A.L
Thantophobia: fear of losing someone you love
Apr 2020 · 600
âme
angel Apr 2020
I never knew a price
could cost anything,
but money.

I didn't believe it
until he told me
that he soul his soul
for me.

I was supposed to die that night;
the blood-covered the floor
and the pills made my eyes
roll back into black.

The price can cost
everything,
but money.

Is that why I woke up?

N.A.L
[hidden]
Apr 2020 · 207
Mother, Daughter War
angel Apr 2020
I'm tired of fighting,
as if we are in a war.
As we take stabs at
one another,
our wounds
pour.
We are not rivals,
we are mother and daughter.
Although, after we fight,
you've always won.
Yet, every day,
we relentlessly keep changing
our wars.
As our battles stain the
hard-floor, I realize
we're sore.
Sore from the fighting.
Sore from the hurting.
And then I tear up at the end,
but only I don't say, sorry.
i love you.
or give any explanation for
my or her actions.
She won't accept my silence,
but I know what I say,
with tears in my eyes,
I say, 'okay.'
I don't realize I'm at fault
until I walk away.
As her face breaks into hurt,
and mine into pain.
I walk to my room,
lay down, and fade away.

I love you so much, mom,
but you inflict mental pain;
that I certainly can't explain.
So as I see you into battle,
with my gear in my head.
Just know mother,
As much as I fight.
As much as I resist.
I love you and will
always,
always let you win;
Although,
I will never admit.

N.A.L
A mother protects a daughter in a clear, undesirable way. Only, they do not understand a daughter takes care of a mother with no recognition, with no sight, and is repeatedly called, "ungrateful," in spite.
Apr 2020 · 441
Him 彼(he)
angel Apr 2020
You might have been
considered chaotic,
but in my eyes, you
were the order that
I yearned to have
reinstated in my life.

N.A.L
A little poem that came to mind while writing, "Stripped bare from our love."
Apr 2020 · 151
Elusively Multiple
angel Apr 2020
My mind is not just one,
but two.
It may be rooted in grace,
but it has fallen too.

N.A.L
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