Just another self-indulged addict
Addicted to the attention writing brings
So I indulge this hobby that separates me from them
In hopes you'll give me my next fix
And sustain me the days my creativity runs dry
A writers block
An addicts road to recovery

I write to be different
I write for the attention
I write for my addiction.

Rehearsed confessions they'll never hear
Single-file tears they'll never see
Panicked thoughts run wild
Anxious emotions that will never be free
Because after all there's nothing wrong with me
Wearing my flawless masks
Riddled with smiles that don't belong to me
And so all my answers remained the same
My entire life brought together in
automated responses

Finger on the trigger
But the trigger finger isnt my own
Stainless depression bullets
Dipped in anxiety
Laced with a society
That'll never accept me

you smile all the same
but send shivers down my spine
your laugh has the same tune
but fills me with an empty sensation
your eyes sparkle the same constellation
but stare into my soul
you charm a way into my hardened heart
but exited the same entrance
you say I love you
but never mean it

Asleep in a vibrant environment
Colorblind in a restless world
Still in the company of emotions
Flying in a city that's frozen
Dying slow
In a world that never stops
Continues to love
In a world that could never appreciate
The no strings attached purity
Of a heart burdened
By loving more than it gets loved

take me from the place
That's caused me much pain
Sweep me off my feet
That carries me to your arms
Block out your voice
That lured me to my demise
Opaque my vision
That drove me crazy

Help me escape
From this pit my desire left me in

deprived of a higher purpose

a reason for my meaningless existence

journey of discovery

a break from the mundane

repetitive nature of self-isolation

alone but never lonely

not until she crossed my mind for a final time

and so I awake each afternoon

dreading the coming hours

of mediocre party tricks

all in an effort to waste passing time

ironically the commodity

that everyone runs out of

I lay in bed most nights
Hoping
you would hit up my phone and wonder
where I've been
and what I've been up to
But I know you never will
I know you don't really care
or at least that's what my overthinking alter ego tells me everyday
Not the way I do at the very least
Only message when I'm wanted
Taking my help for granted
Only message when you want something
Because what I want means nothing
Right
?
I've always been in your corner
Ready to assist
But when I'm in the ring
I box without a shadow
Memories are the only thing I've got going for me
My only link to reality
My only link to what we once were
Without them I wouldnt make it through most days
And I wish I could say the same for you
But I know you don't feel the same
So I get ready to drift away
The lonely dreamer
Who never really dreams

Sedate me to the external torment each new day bolsters
Numb my emotions to the point I no longer experience
Daily struggle to submit my mind to an unconscious slumber
A greater struggle yet to awaken with intent
Finding meaning in a meaningless world
Drove me unstable many moons ago
Edging closer to my inevitable demise at my own hands
Last strands of hope fleeting, I draw my final breath
And flow away with the winds

so starts my final journey, a slow decline
first the memories, of that night, of you
memories i have had my entire lifetime, fading
show images of a life i know not of
disconnected from my own thoughts
as if a stranger thought them on my behalf
my voice longer pierces the silence of my mind
instead now i hear a stranger
these sleepless nights, accompany these sun lit blackouts
i fear i am changing, into what i do not know
and hope to never find out
soon i fear my face will haunt me in the mirror,
my eyes will stare back blankly
staring into a face he knows not who

in contempt lay my complacent corpse
gathered round my complaisant heart
hidden smiles as you bleed me bare
a cynical altruist
as I fall on this pre-placed sword
lay me down slow for your own benefit
gluttonous for this unsatisfactory high
addicted to these moments all the same
victim to codependency
allow these disillusions of granduer
to satisfy my needs

I save you to save me

Seems we're all searching for love
In a society fueld by heartbreak
Hope running dry in search of a better day
Before I take my life away

I just need a single reason
To wake up tomorrow

Don't believe the words that seep through
They're often twisted by my inner self
Protecting me from you
Protecting me from me
Saving myself for when I'm appreciated

Mundane celebrations to mask our ever closing demise
Working 9 to 5s, never fully enjoying our limited lives
Never knowing which day will be our last
So we choose to slave away for a world
That we will never fully experience
In the hopes our successors will enjoy the fruits of our labor
But inevitably enjoy the same propaganda pamphlets that their parents once read
And slave for a world, that their successors might enjoy
All the while, the reapers scythe sharpens.

"it was a long time ago" he says
as he hides his tears with a grin
she asks, "Are you okay?"
he grins, he lets out a failed laugh, he lies
she sees straight through his act
she asks, "Are you okay?"
tears swelling in the corners of his eyes, he lies
she waits for them to be wiped away sneakily
she asks, "Are you okay?"
he looks her in the eye, using all his strength he lies
she says she believes him, she breaks eye contact
she asks, "Are you sure? It's okay if you aren't"
he shakes his head, he falls towards her embrace,
"I'm sorry for being so difficult" he says
vulnerably

she says, "When are you going to move on"
and turns her back to him and leaves
as he cries alone in the dark

I often have nightmares,
that the moment I leave your wandering gaze
I'll cease to exist.

Teach me to exist when you're not around...
please.

pause
stop the earth in its rotation so that she's the only one circling my mind
stall the light from the distant stars on its arrival so that hers can shine brightest
cover the skies in misty grey clouds to trap my final thoughts of her
have the birds chirp her favorite melody so that her memory may go on
demand the leaves to bristle according to her fading heartbeat
name the day after of her so that she will never be forgotten
capture the last of her diamond tears in your minds camera roll
fill every streets ambience with the hum of her voice

share these feelings with the world around
all so that my grief won't go unnoticed
in a world where she still lives, only in someone else's arms

leave me be
Drowning in a shallow pond
Cries slowly filling the air
Fresh cuts gushing blood
leave me be
As I forget who I am
Embracing the pain
leaning on my own shoulder for support
Just like its always been
i make the last cut
Collapsing on the blood stained tiles
And my eyes go dark

I've lost track of my emotions
Am I happy
Am I sad
I can never decide
Each day merging with the last
Succession of regret
A recession of myself
Take me back
Back when I could still feel

our love was never pure
for love is just hate, not yet conceived
the gatekeeper to all my demons
she flourished in my pain
our love was never real
it withered away, we withered apart
no longer the puppeteer to my puppet
the strings on my heart lay cut
my heart was yours
until you sold my love to another
your rose tinted lips, hid all your lies
drugged me to the truth, hid all your reg flags
I hate her more than I ever did love

Put out your hand for me to hold
Start a fire to keep me from the cold
Keep me in your thoughts as my mind goes blank
Wipe my eyes as my vision gets blurry
Hold me tighter as I begin to lose myself
Drugged on this illusion of a perfect life
Remember me when I start forgetting who I am
Please

I know I'm nothing special
Not a force to be reckoned with
A Trojan without a hidden army
Just an average person
With average desires
An over-performing imagination
Takes away the pain
When life gets blurry
My kind opens up
And I dissappear for a while

Feeling 6ft under
When I'm 30000 feet off the ground

Suffocating under these feathered weights
Gripping the cliff side with my failing ideals
Swept away in my daily dose of crippling uncertainty
An overworked mind, an underutilized soul
Drifting with the current, as the sun's rays say goodbye
Parting words you never said to me

As the crowd gathers
for their final goodbyes
Wondering what they could have changed
Wondering what they should have done differently
thinking to themselves
Why did he think there was no one to turn to?
Why did he think he had no one?
Why did he think he had to go through it all alone?
but
Ask yourself where were you?
Where were you on those lonely nights?
How I cried at night waiting for someone to ask me if I'm okay,
To ask me if I needed to talk,
Just a shoulder to cry on.
Lay me to bed with a promise that you will never let go
But you never came, did you...
You never asked those questions
And left me to deal with it

So as the rain starts to drop
And the sky turns grey
Shed a single tear in my Honour,
And no more!
because you only deserve the one,
So close the casket, put me in the ground
let me sink into the blackness
Crying into eternity
For forevermore

Willingly taking a bullet for your lover
To your lover holding the gun
Always streaking across each others mind
Now my eyes blind to those colors
When we were promised each other forever
Except now we can't even grow old together

all inclusive isolation
a populated loneliness looms
surrounded but never included
the sharing of unpleasant pleasantries
a ghost in the shell
portraying unfamiliar emotions, atop unfamiliar smiles
destined to be destined without
without care, always there
without a home, a sheltered existence

Off the top of my head
When ever I think back all I see is dread
Mindlessly roaming the days
Passing the time as i slowly fade
Away
Into the night I dissapear
Never seen to been seen
As if I was ever seen in the first place

When did being happy become such a struggle
When did my laughter start carrying tears
When those lonely nights carried another cut
Filled with anger, regret, disgust
This man with the blank expression
Used to be a kid
With hopes and dreams
Where his only worry was a nightmare
When did my life become so miserable
Rewind the clock
Take me back to when I was 6 & felt invincible

writing is my salvation
but freedom has a price
leaving my heart open
Already been broken twice