everyone is scared
frantically reaching out
in the pitch
for something
for someone
anything to grasp onto
as though holding onto something
will no longer make them afraid
as though they are the only ones
tangled in dark

everyone is scared of the fact that they are the only one scared

smoke trails behind me
like the scar that runs down my wrist.
the smoke is wrapped around my eyes, too,
so i stumble
as the smoke envelops my body
and whispers in my ears.

legs sprawled out across the patchwork sofa,
he spoke.
"listen
if you're really feeling these things
and they hurt enough to make you act
like this
then, man, they're not stupid things to feel."
he didn't break eye contact,
just looked at me as i laid on the floor
holding back words
and holding back tears.

snip
snip
snip
my scissors go to work,
cutting away
the people "i don't need"
but blood is staining the paper
and only some of it is theirs.

and so a new chapter begins.
the protagonist will face many challenges
new characters will be introduced
challenges will reveal themselves
but the most exciting thing
is that there is still so much book left to read.

i'm so excited to begin.

i stumble over my words now.
it's a fight to wrestle them out of my mouth,
when before the flowed out like a river.

i'm fainter now.
it's a struggle to remember
that my new friends don't find me annoying
and that i don't need to lag behind,
waiting for an invitation.

i'm worse now.
summer is ending and all i have to show
is a quieter me
    a nervous me
    a wish-i-wasn't-here me
    a why-can't-i-just-do-something me

    a second-rate me

jealousy really is a disease, isn't it?

a shame it had to infect me