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cleo Oct 2019
Why did i think you could do no wrong?
I was utterly convinced you’d always protect me
Little did i know you were secretly the monster i feared
Living with this constant question of
Is it abuse if they love you? if you love them?
Am i ever going to heal from this?
Maybe one day i’ll have my answer(s)

~

People like to ask a lot of questions, their
Invasive prying has me feeling violated all over again
Eager to learn the details of one of the most painful nights of my life
Tell me again what you’d have done differently, when you should be
Reveling in the fact that you can’t relate
Only one person is to blame for what happened and that’s him
cleo Sep 2018
i’ve been thinking about you
i like the idea of you thinking about me

wish i could tell you what you mean to me
wish you’d believe me if i did

i love you but i’m not what you want
you love me but i’m not what you need

did my love for you make you feel anything?
did i at least make you feel something?

i hope you know i meant every word of it

all this love will **** me but i don’t think i mind
take my hand, take my whole life too

i’d rather argue with you than be with someone else

i didn't mean to hurt you
(but i'll do it again)

you killed me with that final kiss goodbye

it’s not only a bad day

the troublesome business of the universe constantly reminding me of you

people come and go
(their loss)

these tears will come and go

do i look as empty as i feel?

woke up said good morning
hope one day i’ll actually mean it

i never stopped loving you
i hope you’re well

may you find the peace you seek
cleo May 2018
my love, my sweet, this pulsing beat
ringing in my ears
a heartbeat in my stomach
head heavy and  d r a g g i n g
nodding out, nodding off
getting off
she did
who did?
jill, jacking off
hijack my life
jumpstart my words
I am plugged in
ready for the ride
shaking fits, out of control
can't help it
help me
things are spinning X
i guess this is why they call me
blackout girl
i wrote this some time ago while high
cleo May 2018
i had a dream about you last night

i’m wearing mismatched socks
my face, bruised and ******
my body, slumped
in the corner of the handicap stall.
you’re standing above me
smiling, happy even

“not happy, just killing time”
your voice so soft, so sweet
the perfect lullaby
to put me to sleep.
i pass out from your love

i woke up this morning
phone cord wrapped around my neck
felt like a noose
felt like you
“i didn’t mean to hurt you”
(but you’ll do it again)

cigarettes in the backyard
crossed legs on the patio table
it feels like my stomach is filled with acid
and my head is filled with smoke
you grabbed me and it stung like a bee.
i want to drink ’til i forget you
i want to get so high that i forget myself

i’m no angel
i’m just a little dolly who gets broken easily
i’m an artist using their own body as a canvas,
razor blades for brushes, blood for paint.
be a disaster with me
ruin me with your eyes
fill my soul with *****
and break my bones

i’m feeling emotionally dead inside
like forgotten flowers in the attic
unfilled holes in the ceiling
i’m hollow
like vintage television sitcoms
trap doors in old houses

the chambers of my heart are filled
with cobwebs and spider eggs
eyelids swollen shut
mud up to my ears
i’m choking on worms.
you’re killing me
but a very muffled “i forgive you”
still manages to escape my lips

there is no remedy for a sickness quite like this
cleo Apr 2018
the day i was cast out into the world
through *******
they looked between mine
and declared, simply:
“it’s a girl”

we’re taught to be ashamed
of who we are
that people like me, like us,
are freaks of nature

told me the body i was given
this body, is sacred
that i should never tamper with it
that it’s blasphemous to trespass
on divine territory

(who knew i could be a trespasser in my own home?)

you point to the sky
tell me
god doesn’t make mistakes
turn that finger back on me, on us
spew ridicule for the ones we’re supposedly making
for merely having the courage to be

what is it that makes doctors and parents alike
so reluctant to believe that
there are other colors out there
besides pink and blue

the lines are blurring ––
**** robin thicke
this is not a phase
this choice was not mine to make
(unlike the one you made for me)
don’t tell me who or what i am

i didn’t climb out of one box
just to be shoved into another
cleo Jan 2018
she's inside me
sitting in the back of my throat
i can feel her presence there
feel her beckoning me
i reach my hand out to take hers but
she's always just out of reach

all she brings is pain
i don't even know her name
but i love her anyway
cleo Jan 2018
the stench of nicotine still lingers on my fingertips
i go to scratch my nose
catch the smoke
and prepare for the nausea to peak
but it doesn't
this time something's different
i no longer think of my grandfather,
his face wrinkled and worn, his eyes sunken, lying in a hospital bed surrounded by those he loves and who love him
grieving a life not yet lost
no
i no longer think of my grandfather
but you
of you and me sitting in your backyard
the sun soundly sleeping while the moon keeps watch
sitting with you, i felt invincible
even with the nicotine flowing through my veins
the dopamine hitting my brain
i feel invincible
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