i’ve gotta rewire some things inside me
not in the right headspace to take life on right now
without a little extra help from those around and before and inside me
i’ve gotta release some demons, exorcise me
keeping them bottled up for so long, they’ve
got other people’s hands all over me, shaking things up
a prisoner to my own hidden feelings , i’m ready to burst
want to get it out, once and for all
not be trapped inside any longer
a bunch of secrets bouncing around my bones
like stubborn trespasser(s)
i find myself lost in us again
wrapping your& words around me like a hug
falling in love with this cosmic entanglement
watched us bloom in times of turmoil
i'm just so happy to be home, finally
hand on the divine
your curves, like italian marble
body as a work of art
not just a woman but a goddess
and i'm down on my knees
watermelon lingering on your tongue
i lap it up in waves
in the backyard
lighting up a smokescreen
high on all the thoughts
of what once was and could have been
filled to the brim with these emotions
but i don't feel a thing
how tiring it is to always think so much
and still remain the same
concerned for my future, got my mind stuck in the past
barely made it this far as it is how am i honestly expected to last
but i made it, i'm here
no applause, please, no cheers
this isn't quite how i envisioned it
not how i pictured it
still fighting for control of my life despite everything
head filled with thoughts of knives and blood and tears and the finality of the silence that comes After.
short car rides feel that much longer one-handed and with your mind taking detours.
an empty passenger's seat, save for the bag of fresh pharmacy goods; bandages and pills and the sting of the chill winter air.
the suffocating feeling of being stuck inside all day, except this home is a body and relief is only found in quick, deep successions.
basement flooding with memories of Then and When and Red and we find ourselves to be lost in it all. drowning even.
wade through the murk and discover us in the darkest alcoves of yourself. we hide in the shadows where it's safest, drenched.
it's hard to stay present around these parts for very long without something (or someone) stirring inside begging us to forget the rest.
i'm down on myself a lot.
i don't take pity, i take punches.
grab the wall and lean into my emotions, smash through the anger, the self hatred.
that barrier i build around me to fend off (protect?) others only breeds a battle ground inside myself. i need to learn how to break free without breaking me.
i'm still learning how to let go, to forgive
never quite sure of who or where i am
this head's all over the place
wishing it all could be so easy
to look back at this face
see the real me through these eyes
not be fooled by this flesh disguise
there's a familiarity to the confusion
voices echoing inside me
they want to share time
invited them in, it’s a party
can't distance ourselves in the same body