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 Oct 2018 psyche
Black Holes
 Oct 2018 psyche
I used to think everyone around me
Was rising

Over time, it seems more likely that
I'm just falling

It looks the same,
But it isn't.

He keeps following **** stars
On Twitter
And messaging lonely girls
On Facebook
Telling me that I'm stupid
That I'm crazy
That I'm lost

And he's right
But that doesn't change
The agony of sharp words
As I swallow them

His eyes once were a light brown;
Pools of swirled honey in the sunlight

Now there's two black holes
Cut from his skull
That he sees out of

And he doesnt really look at me,
Just toward me,
As if pretending
To notice me

I used to laugh so hard
I'd notice a sharp
Aching in my jaw
When I climbed into bed
At night

Now there is no ache
Just that feeling of falling
Over a ledge,
Grasping at rocks
Trying not to get lost
In the void growing deeper
Every night

I always feel like I'm circling
Around and around
This space where the Earth ends
And drops into nothing

I am so close to slipping
There is a sinking in my gut
As the tips of my toes
Teeter over the edge

But I just keep circling
Around and around

Hoping for a route out
Without plunging blindly
Into the dark
 Oct 2018 psyche
Happiness is what I found in you.
Loveliness is in your heart, so true.
No doubt you are the best as ever.
I will love you more until forever.

When I'm down, you keep me up.
When I'm tired, you'll tell me to stop.
Whatever my pain, you know the cure
I know your love for me is pure.

So today is made for us to treasure.
Every single tears, pain and pressure.
To celebrate the only truthful lover.
Happiness forever with you my Mother.
 Oct 2018 psyche

Is all that I can think!

Quit stomping!
You're creating unwanted anxiety.
Why are you walking so harshly!?
Are you, maybe, angry?
I don't want to know.
 Feb 2018 psyche
I don't want to talk about what school I go to, or what program I'm in. I don't want to talk about how I work in retail part-time or how busy I am. I don't want to discuss where I'd go on vacation, or what I hope for in the future. These conversations are just spoken in order to have a response, I say my piece and ask "what about you?". You'll take a deep breath and start on where you started in school and how you're stuck right now in this dead-end job but you swear- you swear that you'll know when the time in right to make a move in the right direction. You'll say you want to go to Thailand, and Dubai because of the cultural experience, but you'll never actually make it there. I don't want to talk about my family, what my mother or father does for a living. I don't need your compliments on how highly I was brought up, how perfect my life must've been. I don’t want to sit there and agree with you, and smile and giggle and say “I know, that’s why I’m different.” The funny part is you’ll think I am. When I get to know you, you’ll show me vulnerability- you’ll launch into some story of how even though you had friends and everything was completely fine you never fit in. On how your grandparent’s death affected you, or your parents divorce or moving cities. And you’ll look into my eyes, wanting sympathy, compassion and understanding. Because, you know its there, I give it freely to anyone who needs it. But after its over and through, once you’ve told me… that’s it. That’s who you are, that’s all there is to you and when I ask you what you’re thinking all you’ll say is nothing. Nothing. Even when you’re thinking something. I don’t want that anymore. I want someone to converse with me about what’s beyond our limited human level of understanding, I want someone to be honest about who they are and what they feel and I want someone to look at themselves as a work in progress instead of a completed artwork with chips in the paint, for once. I want someone who will look out onto the ocean and sky and see what I see. Someone who will explore what could happen if we simply, suddenly just lost gravity. If we all fell into the sky, if we all just suddenly choked in space and died. I want to explore if we’d see one another on the other side. I want to lay in a field and listen to the wind in the grass. I want to feel the earth beneath my back and smell the warm fragrance from nearby lilacs. I want to be purely myself and not harbour any judgement, I want to love freely and openly without any punishment. I just want some sapience and a soul connection. Maybe I’m just asking for too much, or the universe just wants to teach me a lesson.
just a rant
 Jan 2018 psyche
I am honest but I lie to myself.
I am vain & I am intolerant.
I am an active advocate of my morals
but I am unsure that they exist.
I am not convinced my friends know me-
I am not convinced that I know me.
Sometimes I laugh all day long
& then I cry myself to sleep.
I worry there are too many thoughts inside my head.
I worry I don’t think enough.
I call myself complex
but I am so simple on Saturdays.
I do not have a favorite anything
nor do I have a soft spot for anyone.
However, all I am is soft on certain Sundays.
I’ve been fearless & I’ve been terrified both on a Friday.
I answer “no” & then do it anyway.
I don’t believe in love but I fall in and out of it
as you think out loud.
I am consumed with emotion.
I am numb.
I like the way the sun feels against my skin
but I sit in the shade.
I am compassionate
& I hate everyone.
I am a wallflower
but I am obnoxious.
I quit smoking months ago
but *** me a cig & watch me inhale it.
I am 8 & I am 18 & I am 80 in an hour.
I cant do math in my mind
but I subtract you from
and add you to the equation twice every week.
I’ll pick you apart for hours
& then tell you that you have weak values.
I am a diagnosed insomniac
but I can sleep from 6am to 6pm on a Monday.
I preach self-love with bleeding wrists.
I will call you in the middle of the night
& then ignore you in the morning.
I am the most clear minded psychopath who ever lived.
I am so incredibly happy & so terribly sad.
 Jan 2018 psyche
 Jan 2018 psyche
I wasn't holding my hands against my hips to assert some sort of feminine dominance over our space
Or to passively shame you for the mess that you had made
I held my hands on my hips so that my body wouldn't split straight down the middle
Revealing two halves
Cause I know I'm supposed to be one whole

And always

I never understood how everyone
Kept their halves sewn so close together
Until I realized
Most people are a singular construction

I'm holding my hands on my hips
Not out of confidence
I'm waiting for the split
I'll press harder when it happens
I'm holding my hands on my hips
To hold myself together
 Nov 2017 psyche
I can smell your laughter on my skin for days
And your smile lights my room long after you've gone

And I've been homesick every where
Since I turned seventeen
But I don't have that yearning lately,

You are lavender walls
And cherrywood floors

You are warm vanilla cuddles
And ruby red grapefruit kisses

And I am warm in the dead of winter,

And I am home inside of myself

And I've been trying to find the
Words to tell you,

That my heart skips rocks
Over the lake you've laid down

And I'm jumping in puddles
When you start to rain

I'm admitting things I've kept
A secret
From myself
With your soft hands
gently wrapped
Around my throat

I count my blessings
When the sunlight swallows my bedroom

I'm not a zombie
Rising from a coffin

I'm a kid
Excited to begin

Every day

I'm excited to begin

Please don't leave

I drop you off in your gravel driveway
And I feel whole the whole way home

Please don't leave

I touch your jawbone
And my teeth are
No longer daggers
Inside my gums

The letters that fall
From my tongue
Are rose petals,
Tea leafs,
Where they once were
And dirt
And blood

Please don't leave me
Spitting up charcoal again

I cough cocoa powder

I am getting younger every day

I cry maple syrup

I am getting safer every day

I bleed pomegranate

I am getting stronger every day

Please stay

— The End —