I haven't been able to shake the feelings,
the emotional investment of my last kiss.
For many years, I gave my body to a whole host of people-
but stopped at my heart.

I told her how ''lucky'' I felt, on our first date,
as I put my arm around her, a year of knowing of her from mutual friends. Of flirting, teasing, longing. Her head moved towards mine in what felt like slow motion, my own head a whirlwind. Our first kiss quickly became several..

And, finally, our last.

I found it hard to find the right words -
sometimes I just made sounds.
She picked up the emotion.

When I could speak-
I gushed at how beautiful I found her, it turned into a grand declaration, even I wasn’t fully prepared for.
I am not one for shouting, but the passion found its way into my voice and took full flight as I revealed how I felt.
I never wanted to regret not telling her how I felt. Having this rare intimate, fleeting moment with her.
I could not help but moan and groan until her lips found their way back to mine. As if giving me life.
I felt like a sailor who'd finally made his way home.

I emptied the entire contents of my heart, despite knowing, less is more, I poured out my adoration.
It probably wasn't appropriate in a public space
but we melded together
and I melted
before we barely touched.

I fell so hard
before and after.
I just want to want somebody again.

L.S.D 4 M.F.B
I should never have made light of illegal substances.
I'd never have known such a substance would get to your head,
your blood stream,
cloud your vision,
leave me.

L.S.D 4 M.F.B
You lit tea- lights,
black out.
Arm placed round my waist,
led me into your haven,
eyes wide open.

L.S.D 4 M.F.B
Body curled around me.
Strobe lights in a club,
hands on another,
eyes glazed over.
Shock injected-
my trip ends.

If I could take back a flippant remark,
something I was proud of,
joked about.
I'd run from light to dark.
I'd have kept my mouth shut.
I'd have shut right up.
Shut the **** up.

And they asked me if I knew that boy and boy did I know that boy!
And they delivered a sentence to cause a quick, sharp movement on my part.
And at this point I thank my lucky stars there is a door between us.

My face is doing funny things and I haven't the slightest moment nor the power to stop it.
And I am not sure if I want to weep or scream, my body nears convulsion- I slowly think about what this means.
I curled back into myself, withdrawing my friendly hand.

But my body was telling me; I was safe all along.

And I realised all this time I had been listening to your pathetic excuses and I bought them because I couldn't bear to take on board the implication.
Sometimes ignorance is bliss, but it's this same ignorance that's the death of me and I can't rationalise it.
Clinging onto a word that rhymed because I thought it better to believe the majority were simply polite and not the ghastly cruel beasts I felt them to be.

You saying your mother had a speech impediment in the form of a lisp was what really broke my heart, and I could have hurled the whole set of dinner plates across the room and it would have seemingly been a gross over-exaggeration -but my heart doesn't measure pain in levels like that.
I know the police would have been called and I'd collapse in a heap on the ground and they'd demand to know what happened?! and they'd all disclose they'd never seen anger like that.

That time you invited me to dinner I wore my best shirt and sat opposite them.
I tore down our conjoining road, feeling the thud in my heart, the lump form in my throat.

**Because I knew this was only the start.

I know you are older than me,
there are substantial years between us.
I see a woman who tries hard to be strong
to combat the daily **** she encounters.

I know you think you hide it and to others you surely do,
well, in fact.
It is plain to see you do a good job.
But I am not them.
I see.
I know.

Behind your soulful brown eyes
I know you are the woman who has lived twice.
Like many warriors on planet earth you were not given a choice.
You did not have the luxury from birth to live a life that was solely yours.

You carried the weight.
You shed tears like the skin you shed,
when one day you stopped and told yourself,
you deserved more,
you deserved more than pain
and putting others first.

Like many women you reached an age where your maternal need became too great to ignore.
As a girl your dreams carried you to motherhood
but that's all they could ever be; fantasy, imaginary games.
Reality would deal you your set of cards.
Devastatingly; there would be no fetus in the womb.

You would routinely feel dull aches upon glancing at mothers,
returning to their husbands.
Doing the school run,
grocery shopping.
Rising to acute levels of pain.
The type you struggle to brush off.
When you know something's really wrong.

That very same suburbia you rolled your eyes at,
convincing yourself you didn't want it.
Became all you ever wanted.
Always just slightly out of reach.

You would build a home with what little resources you had.
In turn, that home would be the prettiest in the neighborhood.
Delicate twining vines of sweet honeysuckle
Sun flowers standing tall and proud
to match your sunny disposition.
Anyone who ever passed could have sworn they were wearing a beaming smile.

I would call round to repaint your white picket fence,
in return for a handful of digestives and your company.
Harboring a deep heartfelt respect I would try to channel through my eyes.
I would tell you I am here.
And I can be more.
If you need me.

And how I would love to make you laugh,
really laugh,
throw back your head.
I know there is a lightness to your depth.
You have had to be so strong for so long.
It is not too late to be whisked off your feet.

I would never have got to feel what I felt when your hands found their way to my head and ruffled my hair.
I swear,
That was one of the best feelings in the world.

''Tall dark and handsome'' goes the tagline, we know all too well.
''2 out of 3 ain't bad'' you lightly comment, winking at me.
You have a pool of men to choose from, but powers of persuasion and magnetism saw you pull towards me.

I am the babyccino you treated yourself to after a hard week at work.
A sample of the love and decadence to come.
If you only let yourself-
Frothy and soft, like my body succumbing, and letting you do as you want.
Milky and sweet.
Warm with every touch.

I could be the rich flakes of shredded chocolate,
the marshmallows gracing the top,
to make a good thing-
even better.

*If only you let yourself

You had me in the tropics  
Sun sand and sea.
You touched me in places no one else could reach.
Where others saw nothing-
you happened upon the most beautiful something.
Thank you for that.

I needed that.
I needed you,
Michelle.

I miss you
it's hell without you.

Money can't buy everything-
Michelle
you held me
I never got to tell you
how hard my heart fell.

I'd waited for you since I was 15
and met you the night I turned 21.
I had been in Australia 3 months.
Jaw dropping
heart stopping
Michelle.

You showed me the meaning of
making love.
In a single caress
you showed me tenderness
the searing ache -
where pleasure meets pain.
Michelle.