I want

The holding hands,
that “just because for you”.
The random reassurance,
that we’ll make it through.
The plan dates,
that honesty and truth.
The future of us,
that being a kid.
The growing old together,
that you and me.
The love I keep,
that I’m willing to give.
The courage I seek,
that brave one to fall deep.
The feeling safe to be
that fragile but in one piece;

As long as you’re staying,
I’ll take it all,
the beauty and ugly.

—n.y

Make believe and having hopes.
It can be dangerous to have these,
when you keep wanting to see,
the good in everything.
Without having a grip on reality,
it can k/ill brutally;

The longing.

—n.y

To see things differently.
To comprehend it all,
from different perspectives.
To have empathy and to believe.
To own and learn from each of it;

The reason behind everything.

—n.y

The letters I wrote for my future lover.
They should warn them how it can be disastrous.
For when there’s calm, there can be happiness.
For when there’s a storm, it can be breathless;

The highs and lows are unconscious.

—n.y

Being lost in translation.
In between the silence and perceptions.
Those words that were said but not meant,
and those that are meant but not said;

Tragic love ending.

—n.y

I own the version you think of me.
The misguided one in your story.
There aren’t enough apologies,
able to change the narrative.
For the way you see things;

Put the blame
on my k/illings.

— n.y

For once I wish to be safe.
For once I hope that I could be.
Safe to have feelings,
Safe to be myself and not hiding.
From the fact that I’m hurt.
From the fact that I’m in love, still.
But too much of emotions,
Lead me to destruction down the alley.

Is there somewhere?
I could be in pieces,
In peace.

—n.y

Falling apart like flowers
Wilted with breakable bone
For once I’ve been watered
With hope to bloom
For second I won’t be the one
Like you used to tone
For I’m the dried petals
Crushing to its doom.

—n.y

Longing for the unknown,
and it hurts to know,
that we crave for the one,
that we don’t know.

The empty hole,
unwilling fall,
unfulfill hope.

—n.y

The stars shine, the sun rises.
The moon lights and the sky cries.
Even in dream, even in real life.
Even when the living is full of lies.
As day goes by.

—n.y

I could be her
But I was that girl
I might be the woman
But I am this person
And all it takes to grow, is everything
Another person, another identity
Another faces to learn from each
To be better and healing.

—n.y

Like the flowers, I be.
Like the flowers, I bloom.
Like the flowers, I might wilt.
Like the flowers, I’ll droop.
Even falling, yet still colourful.

—n.y

I’m off the tracks, off the rocker.
Off the season, for the nice weather.
Off the line, for another offer.
Lost of senses, in the middle.
Of who I was, before the trouble.
Yet here I am, for the next performance.

—n.y

You don’t deserve me.
Not for I am the perfect thing,
but for I am in broken pieces.
Where you might get cut
from the sharp edges.
And the last thing I need,
is for you to get hurt.

For you the one,
that’s far from imperfections.
While I’m the one,
with questionable existence.

—n.y

I pictured the rose red,
just like the sign on my door.
Maybe black,
just like the hole in my soul.
Or yellow,
just like the hope that I’ve lost.
But the rose is white,
just like the ghost
since you’ve been gone.

—n.y

Peaceful in the dark
that’s how it’ll be.
Undress your true self,
what’s hidden underneath?
A mess in a clear picture,
covered in a blur capture.
When you wrap the fractured,
under the thick skin.

—n.y

I wish I am
somebody else
that you never met.

Somebody else
that you won’t hate.

Someone better
than anyone else.

Someone better
than current mess.

—n.y

Staring at her own reflection
She mumbles;

    This is me.
    This is who I am.
    I’m losing myself in reality,
    relying on the person that I used to be.
    And here I am stuck in between,
    the light and the dark
    with no hope and dream.

—n.y

Running out of chances,
between the ground to the sky limit.
Looking for changes,
peeking through the hole on the ceiling.
Praying for answers,
will there be one if I keep asking?
Holding on to ashes,
forgive me not for I have sinned.

—n.y

It might be colourful;
Bloom.
Pretty for the eyes,
pretty as it lies —
what was inside.

It might be hurtful;
Proof.
When there’s love for you,
and there’s a heart beating too —
inside the loof.

It might not be you;
Truth.
Never be the time,
never be the one —
ready to run.

And she’ll run from the sun,
though she wished for it to shine.
Though she wants it to be the light,
as she needs it to lit her mind.
But she’ll run from the sun,
from being the one for you, son.

—n.y

I’ve been there trapped in the empty space.
Inside the box of endless maze.
I am myself with unfamiliar face.
Reaching for the light, dimmed in the haze.
Finding my way out, trying to escape

But they’ll pull me back in,
bury me deep into the grave.
Until I’ve learned how to let go of things,
until I’ve learned how to forgive.

—n.y

To what it seems the dead end,
maybe there’s another way,
maybe there’s another home.

To what it seems the last stand,
maybe there’s another day,
maybe there’s another hope.

To what it seems the last chance,
for the hundredth time,
for the lost soul.

—n.y

She says;
" Thought you’re the kind that’ll stand on your feet.
But you’re not, instead you’re glued to the seat.
Freeze in the moment nodding to the authorities. Even when it’s wrong, even when it’s your call to lead. "

The person that I used to be,
Was someone that doesn’t afraid of anything
And she knows it.

It hurts to let her down,
Though I don’t mean it,
But I did.

After all,
I’ll only hurt the ones I love,
And that’s who I’ll be.

—n.y

The world could be a scary place sometimes.
It could be hell in your safest heaven,
could be comfort in your midnight prison.

And it could be the one in the pieces,
that’ll make it one for sure;

A reflection of yourself in the mirror.

—n.y

Here, here is love.
Here, here are the pieces.
Here are the words written.
Here are the promises broken.

Here, here it hurts.
Here, here it shatters.
All the pain inside her,
six feet under.

—n.y

Summer rays on your skin.
The sound of beach waves hitting.
Is this heaven on earth we’re living?
Can we stay a little longer like this?
Just the two of us breathing in breeze.
Only that we’re not here in dream,
but somewhere we call home
with you beside me.

—n.y

Who knows that someday
you’ll be stuck somewhere in the middle,
while looking forward for the future.
How the vision becomes blur
and completely different,
from what you’ve imagined since ever.

And you’ll learn the greatest lesson;

How this life of ours,
should be lived to the fullest.
Before you’ll be sinking,
right to the bottom.
Losing your only chance,
for revolution.

—n.y

Thought that I’ve seen everything;
How the clouds cry.
How the stars shine.
How the sun rises.

But I never saw this one coming;
How you’re leaving and it’s raining.
How I’m wishing on the star shooting.
How I’m hoping for no tomorrow to live.

And it started with your sweet grinning.
But I was left by myself hanging, for the ending.

—n.y

Dear love,

I’m writing just to let you know that I’m still here to let you mourn. Forgive my soul as I don’t know how to take control. As I let myself drifted away from the shore, drowning myself deep down in the hole. Hoping for someone to bring me home and honey, it was not your fault.

As I can’t be saved if I don’t let myself to be
and I have to learn how to breathe while suffocating.

So don’t wait for me, please.

—n.y

Never thought that it’ll end like this.
I used to know myself so well and lead.
Used to go for my hope and dream.
Used to believe that I’ll make it through everything.

But here I am staring at the list.
Questioning my weakness and all my needs.
For all the things that have been holding me,
from becoming the person, that I dreamt to be.

And I barely know, the one I’m currently with.

—n.y

I have to remind myself,
that it won’t last forever.
But I can’t change the fact,
that it’ll be here no matter.

Hiding in between
somewhere inside me.
Waiting for the time
when it might be the end of everything.

But where will I be, by then?

Am I still stuck there at the beginning?
Still hanging on the first page of my story?
Still doesn’t mean anything to somebody?

Like how I’m still here, disappointing.

—n.y

It might take years to heal
and tears to feel,
alive and breathing.
To know that I’m still here surviving
after all the misery,
living with pain while dying.
And trying to convince
that it’s worthy to believe,
to keep fighting for something.

Am I still holding on to it?

Will I still hold on to it?

—n.y

You can’t reach for the light
though the sun shines bright,
so you call for the dark night.

Will the dark knight be on your side
when the light blinds your eyes,
as you beg for a sign.

There you wait for the time,
but you’ve never get it right,
for you to save your life.

Losing your own mind,
finding a place to hide
from such illusive lies

That there’s hope in disguise.

—n.y

I’m tangled in between
hope and dream.
And it’s confusing;
That in my sleep
I have you.
But in reality
I’m still hoping
for it to be true.

—n.y

I don’t know where I belong
but I just wanna be home
and I’m lost.

Wandering,
lost.

Wondering,
lost.

Still, lost.

—n.y