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Feb 2022 · 1.1k
craters || 12/06/'19
Murredith Feb 2022
what do you do when you have placed your heart in the hands
of who you have come to know as your home for safekeeping,
but those hands that lead butterflies to your stomach when placed against yours,
have left fingerprints on your heart so deep
there are more craters than there is left of you,
to love
I wrote this while in the hospital back in 2019. I had forgotten about it until recently, and now have decided to post it.
Oct 2017 · 491
metamorphosis || 10/10/'17
Murredith Oct 2017
i dare you to tell me that you have never taken a hot shower
slowly growing colder as time goes on
when someone turns the kitchen tap on
the shower is not the same as it was not long ago

if you sit outside
long enough for a cloudy day
to become a raging thunderstorm
you will notice that you breathe a little bit harder
the air surrounding you has amended

i could list off millions of regular things
things that are so common they often go unnoticed
i could tell you to pay attention
to the suffocating amount of different alterations

or

you could merely accept the reality of change

everything changes

e v e r y t h i n g
Murredith Apr 2017
Realisations of common knowledge lurk around us like shadows in the darkness.


Don’t close your eyes. Don’t turn around. Don’t turn a corner too quickly. It’s just the wind. It’s not the same car. It’s too big of a city to find you.

Dear authorities, what are you doing to help?

People from generations before mine have raised their children to be hateful. They have taught them that if they don’t feel like respecting people, they shouldn’t and won’t. I’m sure you’ve guessed this next one, but they’ve let their children get away with a smack here and a smack there to those who don’t obey their every demand – and even to those who do. But I am not the only one. I am not the only unlucky punching bag to experience the hatred of someone much older, more mature, wiser and certainly, not just a kid. Is that it? Is that why you let him go? I was four when it started and fifteen when it ended. To you, that’s a child. Children don’t know much, do they.

Dear authorities, that’s where you’re wrong.

I was four when it started and if you think it stopped at fifteen when my abuser walked out, think again. It never fully stops, not yet. I am nearly twenty years old and I still flinch if someone holds out their hand for a handshake or raises their voice just a notch because they’re a little out of earshot and I needed them to repeat.

Dear authorities, I can’t live because you won’t let me.

Oh, you like Budwiser? Corner Gas, the T.V. show? Do I smell steak? Potatoes baked on the BBQ? You need a plumber? Handyman? Oh look, you’re wearing red. Do you think I appreciate being reminded by the stupidest things, that my abuser is out there? Why is that? Could it possibly be because nobody has bothered giving the man any possible discipline?

Dear authorities, I’m tired of being told, “it’ll be okay, it’s not that bad.”

People after people have continuously told me to go talk to someone. I’ve seen multiple counsellors, doctors, talked to teachers, specialists, friends and family. But what are you doing to help? I moved away from my mother and siblings, in fear. Fear, because every time we moved anywhere the lawyer told us we had to give our address to the abuser. We could not deny him access to us, we could not cut off communication with him. I had to leave, as an attempt to protect myself and hide in a big city with lots of people and hopefully I could blend in.

Dear authorities, you have failed me.*

Stop telling me things will be okay, when he is out there and things only seem to matter when a death occurs.

Dear authorities,

Dear authorities…

Dear me, you’re not dead so authorities don’t care.
I originally posted this on my blog & today decided to post it on here as well. If you'd like to see the original on my blog, you may view it, like it, share it or comment on it, at https://onebigmilestone.wordpress.com/2017/03/07/first-blog-post/?preview=true.
May 2016 · 716
simple basics || 03/05/'16
Murredith May 2016
I've written this one too many times in my head, I guess I figured it's time I write it on something  more real:

You see everybody's got to fight & trust me that's always alright.
But fighting ain't fighting with you, it's always a little less no matter what you do.
Fights happen when love has temporarily ended; things catch fire when left unattended.
But with you it ain't like that see I don't feel a lack of love when you're around, I mean yeah it sure gets overwhelming but baby that won't ever beat me down.
Even when you're wringing me around the neck with your words like a glove, your eyes, voice, face & body never fail to show lots of love.

It's so **** crazy knowing that even when you hate me, I can see you've never loved me more.

This isn't anything special I just decided it's beyond time we start appreciating the basics; there's nothing hard about the feelings that I see.
The simple truth is you're in love which means you ain't free & until you show me differently well I guess you're stuck with me.
{{READ IT LIKE A RAP}}
I accidentally wrote this after using the bathroom ?
Apr 2016 · 3.8k
liars || 03/04/'16
Murredith Apr 2016
don't say you won't tolerate liars because seven years from now, on a tuesday night you'll be sitting alone sending forgiveness through the phone to constant excuses that you won't recognise as lies until it's too late.

*you'll tolerate anything, for them.
Feb 2016 · 859
close || 26/02/'16
Murredith Feb 2016
Love isn't the endless colours of confusion running through your mind on a lonely Friday night thinking that without them, you'd be nothing.
Love isn't the messages they send you at 4 AM because you're sleeping & they miss your body sprawled all over theirs in a lovely mess of lust & fascination.
Love isn't purely the cute dates in blanket forts with loud music & ugly fights with disagreements followed by rude names.

Love is your best friend who brings you hot chocolate in the summer & ice cream in the winter because you love them both all year round.
Love is the beautiful baby of a stranger in an ugly stroller passing you on the side walk today who happened to be the only one to shine you a smile.
Love is the girl who ordered from you two weeks ago with the most beautiful curly hair & her politeness stuck in your mind as you endlessly wonder if she made it home okay.

It's important to love & trust me I love so many new people each & every day. You should too.
Love someone's shirt because it doesn't suit them but they wear it anyway.
Love someone's smile when it's raining but they're dancing.
Love someone's kindness when they're treated like dirt.
Love someone's eyes when they catch you from across the room.

Love people, every day, all the time. There's something to love in everybody & if you find someone with everything to love in them, hold them close.
Feb 2016 · 1.4k
free || 19/02/'16
Murredith Feb 2016
***** isn't okay & no government or *any authority figure should ever be the one to decide if someone was sexually assaulted, or not. In addition, a human's rights, safety, & mental health, should not be taken away or reduced simply because another human or a group of humans have decided so. Kesha Rose Sebert, better known as Ke$ha, is a celebrity who called attention to a situation where she was drugged & ***** & isn't finding justice even after speaking up about it.
Though she was denied release of her contract with Sony Music, meaning she now must continue to work with the man who drugged & ***** her, she has the support & help of millions. This is because she's a celebrity & attention was called to it. But what about those who aren't known? What about those too afraid to speak up because it's a hopeless attempt for justice. What about those who did speak up but the case died in a court room or even before it ever made it to a court room, simply because the abuser has higher authority, more power, or is in some way guaranteed to be found excused by the law?
What about them?
Thank **** she spoke up. But what about everyone else? Justice needs to be served to Ke$ha & also to the many other victims in this world.

**We shall not fall under those above us from fear or from the indignity of others.
Go to change.org & sign the petition to boycott Sony. Speak your thoughts, share this message, share other messages about it. Sign, speak, share & don't let them win. We will find justice. Together.
Feb 2016 · 514
monsters || 07/02/'16
Murredith Feb 2016
Honestly, I think we all just have these glorified images of how the world should look to us, but none of our images match up & that ***** us all up. We beat each other up for not having the same images, instead of learning how their image works. And when we find someone with an image like ours, we cling to them until our images merge & then we drift. We take the good out of people, like stealing their good images of the world, claim it as our own & then leave the people behind. Are we afraid of monsters, or are we afraid of ourselves? We are the real monsters & the world is our victim.
Jun 2015 · 644
02:54 || 29/06/'15
Murredith Jun 2015
battery is dying
i am crying

the music plays
my mind delays

left all alone
everything unknown

lack of sleep
with thoughts so deep

in darkness i hide
we're dead inside
Jun 2015 · 489
confessions || 17/06/'15
Murredith Jun 2015
I am not going to promise you we will be "together forever."
I am not going to tell you I love you 'to the moon & back.'
I am not going to say that you look hot.

Instead, I will promise you each day that I will stay the day.
Instead, I will tell you I love you, but show you how much (way more than 'to the moon & back').
Instead, I will glance at you soaking in every inch of your beauty, sit back & shockingly say, "wow."

If I promise you that we will be "together forever," you may get some lazy relationship where we put our effort into the cliché land of time that we call, tomorrow. If I promise you each day, that I will stay the day, then I'm sure we'll get a relationship where we put our all in, every single day.
If I tell you I love you 'to the moon & back,' then I am giving you a limited love. My love for you is unlimited.
If I tell you I love you, & show you how much, I'll spend the rest of my life showing you, & you'll get the rest of yours to see.
If I tell you "you're hot," I'd be understating it, & you would feel like a hunk of meat. Your beauty magnifies, & I will remind you everyday making sure you feel your beauty as I see it.
Jun 2015 · 920
you & the sky || 06/06/'15
Murredith Jun 2015
There are only two things in this world, that give me an indescribable feeling of warmness, & pure comfort.
I was taught to never let one go, & if one slips, let the other fall too.

But baby, even if that sky goes out, I still won't let you go.
Jun 2015 · 541
for you || 06/06/'15
Murredith Jun 2015
Do you know what it's like, when your insecurities take over, & leave you with more death wishes than the breaths you take in a day? When you want so much to just give up, & leave, so nobody has to see your every flaw? But then there's that one person, that's all it takes; just one person, who keeps showing up & loving everything that you hate about yourself. That one person just shows up, enters your insecurity-infested life, & then starts fighting for you. So every time you feel like giving up, & you convince yourself it's time to give everyone a break from you, that person shows up, & pushes you to stay. They remind you how much they love your flaws, & imperfections. They tell you over & over that everyone isn't perfect, & that they love you the way you are, & they fight for you to stay. Soon, every time you want to give up, you automatically fight that urge, even though your insides are screaming that you're making a mistake by staying, but you stay anyway.
You fight it, & you stay.
For them.
Do you know what that's like?
I was sleeping when I thought this, woke up, wrote it all down, now I'm posting it 11 hours later.
Apr 2015 · 2.4k
relapse || 23/04/'15
Murredith Apr 2015
One* step forward, two steps back.
Tears, bruises, panic attack.
Two steps forward, four steps back.
Screaming, shouting, way off track.
Three steps forward, six steps back.
Sitting alone in pitch black.
Two steps forward, eight steps back.
One step forward, ten steps back.
Don't you see, this is *relapse?
Apr 2015 · 613
unanswered || 23/04/'15
Murredith Apr 2015
Do you hear me,
At 8pm with a broken voice & sad eyes?
Do you see me,
At 4am with tear stained cheeks & bleeding thighs?
Do you know me,*
At 12pm with fake smiles & a mouthful of lies?
Murredith Apr 2015
I was scared.
Everyone I have ever dated, I ended up pushing away, losing feelings for & hurting. I never truly cared for anyone I ever dated.

I found a girl that made butterflies become pets to my stomach. A girl that made happiness seem easy.

I had her, this beautiful girl that I genuinely cared about, & I threw her away in utter fear of repeating past actions.
I guess I find comfort in familiarity.

Little did I know that she would keep me up at night. That my mind only ever seemed to be thinking of her.
Is she okay?
What is she doing?
Does she miss me?
I miss her.
I found that my comfort no longer hid in familiarity, but instead sparkled in her eyes, was enlightened by her smile, lingered in her laugh, & clung to her voice.

I was scared of having her. Of loving her. Of finding a new comfort.

Four months later I stop, close my eyes, & hold my breath.
Maybe old comforts need to be forgotten because my definition of  home now begins with her name, & **home sure is comfy.
Mar 2015 · 362
six words || 29/03/'15
Mar 2015 · 543
empty memories || 29/03/'15
Murredith Mar 2015
Look at your hand.
Memorize the creases, the veins, the muscles, the little crinkles.
Look at your hand.
Watch as the tingles dissipate under your skin when you think of her.
Look at your hand.
Curl your fingers into a fist, grasping every memory you still have left of her.
It's time.

Close your eyes.
Separate your finger tips from your palm, release, open, let go.

Look at your hand.
Memorize the creases, the veins, the muscles, the little crinkles.
Look at your hand.
Watch as you freely move your fingers through the thin, cold air.
Look at your hand.
Curl your fingers into a fist, tightly closing every empty space you have ever held on to.
She was never there.

Close your eyes.
Separate your finger tips from your palm, release, open, let go.
Mar 2015 · 1.1k
scary place || 24/03/'15
Murredith Mar 2015
The world is a scary place.
Unlike most scary places, & most scary things, & most scary people, you can’t run from it. That only makes it scarier, knowing that you can hide, & you can run, but no matter how hard you try you can’t run away from the world, & hide forever, without returning even for a visit. It’s not possible. You’d get sick of the new place, or get lost & end up back here, or maybe simply run out of oxygen.
Mar 2015 · 558
i love you. || 24/03/'15
Murredith Mar 2015
Every time those three words left my mouth, I knew I'd hear them come straight back.
I liked the way those words sounded rolling off the tongues of others all so effortlessly.
I collected those words, said each time by new people, hoping someday maybe I could mean it but I never did.
Person after person, all I heard were those three words ringing through my mind.

The first time you said my name, I realized I could never let those words into my mind without a great deal of feelings behind them.
I thought about those three words millions of times, rephrasing them, placing them in different orders, hiding them between other words, but they never seemed to sound right to be said to you.
Suddenly those three meaningless words, didn't seem to cover all my feelings, though I still say them to you repeatedly, hoping maybe someday I will find stronger words to use, but for now,

I love you.
Mar 2015 · 4.1k
soulmates || 24/03/'15
Murredith Mar 2015
I do not believe in soulmates because my mum got six kids out of a fourteen year marriage, but she also got two weeks of drowning herself in alcohol to **** the pain, followed by another man who does not quite keep up.

I do not believe in soulmates because I spent sixteen hours sitting on the bathroom floor with my Aunt on her wedding day while she threw up alcohol along with her arguments to her new husband as a honeymoon.

I do not believe in soulmates because my grandmother stayed with her abusive husband for seven years just to fill the void space in her heart, simply because she was dying, even though she was wise enough to know he was not 'the one'.

I do not believe in soulmates,
But I do believe in us.
Oct 2014 · 311
losing war || 05/10/'14
Murredith Oct 2014
Every tear that falls,
Rolls and hits the floor.
Every tear that falls,
Burns me even more.
With every step I take,
It kills me to the core.
With every move I make,
I fight a losing war.
As soon as I get over this,
You'll be back outside my door.
As soon as I don't want you,
You'll be back for more.
This demon that's inside me,
Only tries to hide me.
This monster that drains me,
Only wishes to pain me.
Will I stay in your empty heart,
Or did you hate me from the start?
You think you're all alone,
In this empty home.
But what you do not know,
Is this is where your demons go.
Are you free from hell,
Or could you even tell?
Would you even know,
If there's nowhere left to go?
Just keep knocking on my door,
I'll just fight this losing war.

— The End —