How did you hide these scars?
Do I know who you really are?
The times are getting harder
Take my hand I'll guide you through
I could be there for you
Just take my hand
Take my hand
Don't leave me here
I have so much to tell you
You deserve to be living with me
I should have known
You can still survive
Don't go
You never said goodbye
How did I not see these scars?
Why didn't you let me help?
I should have known
You have yet to take my hand
Please speak to me
Do something, anything at all
Just please don't say goodbye.

I'm afraid to fall back and I'm afraid to give in, yet it seems like the only thing on my mind. I'm afraid you'll judge my choices and you'll distance yourself from me. I'm afraid to let go because of the little bottle cap of hope in my heart that someone will pull the rope and cuddle all my sorrows away. I'm afraid you'll leave just like the rest and id be left alone with the thoughts still wandering in my head. I'm afraid to show people who I really am in fear of rejection, pity, or annoyance. I'm afraid to actually worry about myself because I think I've reached the point of insanity with no safety mechanism. I'm afraid to be stuck with nothing to look forward to and anxiety from the past. I'm afraid to never be loved; truly loved by someone who knows the very inch of my hair and my favorite rhetorical question. I'm afraid to let go but I'm afraid to keep holding on too. I guess I'm just afraid of fear or oblivion or the world or my mind or myself or the stars or my best friend. And to be completely honest, I'm afraid to no longer know what I'm afraid of anymore. maybe it's everything. or maybe it's truly nothing at all.
-mxy

what are you pretending not to know
what are you constantly hiding from the people you think love you
because you never know for sure
you never know for sure right?
and that bothers you
it's what you pretend not to know
you know they love you
you know they do
why must you pretend
why must you avoid
why must you not be strong enough to to accept reality
you pretend not to know almost every bit of news
you pretend not to know the obvious stated right in front of you
what are you afraid of
do you fear rejection
is that why you act so oblivious
is that why you act so ignorant
I AM ASKING YOU WHAT ARE YOU PRETENDING NOT TO KNOW
BECAUSE HONEY, I KNOW YOU
I KNOW WHAT YOURE HIDING
JUST TELL ME
WHAT ARE YOU PRETENDING NOT TO KNOW
I'm sorry, but the act is over
please take off the mask
it's for your own good
I promise
and you know that
you're just pretending not to.
-mxy

My life is full of what ifs
And to be honest, I question everything.
I guess it's just apart of my nature. Never really thought it intrigued anyone or meant anything.
But what if it did.

I just want that one person in my life to finally care. to care about how my day went or to care if I finished my homework. someone that cares about
my relationship with my parents and the well being of my pet. I want someone to have those late night conversations with and share the what seems to be confusing to other people, inside jokes, but that makes so much sense to us. I want someone to ask how I am every once in a while and give me relationship advice on my newest crush. I want someone to be here for me and where I can be there for them too. where we connect on tons of different emotional levels. someone who doesn't always have to have a deep conversation but that can if need be. someone I can automatically look at and know what they're thinking just by their ****** expression. I want that someone for me. and I want that someone to want me to be that someone for them too.

-mxy

She was only still alive because she was told,
Take it one day at a time, "trust me, it'll get better".
Everyday, she woke up hoping,
That was the day.
That was the day it was going to get better.
It's been years now.
She woke up and asked herself "when will it end"?
It never did, so she ended herself.
-mxy

smothering you.
something I never intended to do
never really something anyone intentionally does
it kinda
sorta
just
happens.
and for that, I am sorry.
I am sorry for the double texts
I am sorry for the endless questions
I am sorry for making you feel like you were being suffocated by my presence
I am sorry for hovering over every detail you refused to share with an empty soul I call mine
I am sorry for causing you to suffer through the life experience of having me to be someone that loves you
I am sorry I smothered you
I am sorry you never smothered me too
-mxy

stripped naked in the figurative sense, I see a girl that is far overdue for a dose of joy. so much emptiness in her eyes, blood flow has become invisible. beauty. oh so much beauty in the way she cares absolutely too much for those that are unaware of her favorite color nevertheless asks how she feels every blue moon. perfectionist could quite possibly be her middle name by the way her heart beats in sync with the spontaneous moods that show their appearance every two days or so. anxiety equals a rapid beat. "if you feel worried then you must act on it" seems to be her philosophy because when she's sad and shaky the heart must go slow.
for,
she.
is.
slow.
when the depression hits and vulnerability only shows its face behind closed doors im sure she would say that she feels as though she's suffocating. suffocating in the figurative sense, where everyone is there watching her but no one can differentiate heavy breathing in basketball practice from a ******* asthma attack.
idiots.
so numb. she's so numb in the figurative sense. you ask her how she is and each time it's an automated "good" as if practiced hundreds of times before a theatre performance. an actress. she's an actress in the literal sense. planting a smile from ear to ear even when it's an obvious gloomy day for everyone else. she puts on a show of happiness that could very much earn her an oscar, if only she were literally in the entertainment business. I can see her falling in the way her back hunches just 10 degrees lower than it had a year ago. I would recommend a doctors appointment but im hoping she learns to fix it on her own. I'm hoping it begins to appear in someone around her that maybe she isn't as okay as she seems. this beautiful perfectionist doesn't just have bad days and doesn't just spare her low moods in spite of upsetting those around her. this beautiful perfectionist doesn't see herself as beautiful. this beautiful perfectionist is so far from perfect.
maybe if someone looked a little deeper in the literal and figurative sense, they would choose to ask, after her automated response of "good", "are you really?"
-mxy