In contrast to my heart —
The days are warm
Sunrays wreak kind destruction
Upon just and unjust
Without favour
          or consideration.

The sickly light bathes us all
Without mercy
Exposing those
         who wish to remain hidden.

Winter in my heart, Summer eternally.

You can't know
The effect it had
Losing you
Tectonic plates shifting,
In agony
The love that protected me
Turned on its edge
Only now I saw that power
Raw and terrifying.
You can't know

I walked down to the water
To feed the birds.
Joyful,
For me.
But the tears fell as I sat on the bank,
Children stopping to wonder
What would make a grown man
So lost.

My heaven
is knowing you exist,
And that you once loved me.
My hell
is all that followed.

I'd never call you perfect,
It wouldn't fit.
Perfection is ugly.
Perfection is cruel.
I could never love
Such a tidy measure.
Give me—

the maelstrom of passion,
the divine silence
Present in your heart.
Your
Perfect
Imperfection.
That's all I ever saw.

I wish
I found it easy
To cut my losses
Instead of my wrists.

Friday night.
I feel my bones forgotten
Disassembling character.
Ghostly lungs still breathing,
Shallow.
Heartstring,
Hanging from the gallow.
Gone
Before the morning sun.

People talk about sacrifice,
People talk about devotion.
People say:
"I'd take a bullet for you."
I would have
For you.
And when you left —
*It felt like I had.

This pain —
Now my only duty.
It is my God and sun.
It is my strength and weakness,
As all else fell away.
It is the echo of her name.
It is all the roads in Greece,
I walk them daily
To know each crack.
It is all that I have left —
My currency and shame.
This pain.

Forgive me.
Forgive this undying love
That brings you
Such distaste.
Forgive my heart's honesty.
Forgive it's endurance.
Forgive my broken mind.
Forgive my tears,
Fervent
Burning as they fall.
Forgive my sickness,
Forgive my rage.
Forgive each pitiful word
That you won't hear.
Forgive the things
I can't undo.
Forgive my memory.
Forgive
My joyless life.

Dear*
I can't call anyone else that,
After you.
I meant every word,
I left them to you.
Only you were so dear,
Only you
Earned that word.

I fell through the cracks,
Of existence —
Behind shadows
Past the burning stars.
Knowing
The silent comfort of
Liquid black finality.

It used to fill my chest
But now sinks sickly in my stomach
Shrinking daily
Cracked and wounded
Sorely shamed &
Counterfeit.

11:38pm Friday night
Lost again
To your memory
The nights we spent
Blissful
Unaware of what
we could lose
Dashed upon the rocks
Bitter
Disappointed
Unsurprised.

My love burned away,
Like wax.
Leaving just the wick.
A psyche left exposed,
A soul now raw and sick.
Though complications ended,
The days left in-between.
I live among the shades
Passing by unseen.

Remember me how I used to be.
Remember my better days.
Remember the summer nights.
Forget my tragic ways.
Remember my burning kisses.
Remember I meant it all.
Remember the times I held you.
Forget the curtain call.
Remember my strength and passion.
Know I think of you still.
Remember I always loved you.
Remember I always will.
Forget the man who's here today.
Forget the man I am.
Forget my face.
Forget my name.
I'm not worth a ****.

In the morning —
I felt the gravity surge,
Sinking my heart
To it's farewell.
Accountable
To moon and stars,
No longer loving in their gaze.
The silent judgement
Laid me low.
A pile of bones and fading skin,
Forever lost
My Hell within.

I can't get this sickness
                                         — out of my head
                                             I'm God's lonely man
                                             Stuttering
                                             Left behind in violent days
                                             Doomed to this love
                                                            ­      these reminders
                                             Cutting their teeth on my heart
                                             A pain that will not,
                                           cannot stop
                                             This mad devil
                                             Wants to
                                             Finish
                                             The job.

Tho raw misfortune faded
And I may be alone
It doesn't mean I changed my mind
Or wandered far from home
Thoughts still barb like hooks
Kisses lost their taste
Promises changed meaning
As we fell from grace
Instead I ache for passion
An all consuming fire
Honest, complicated
Thunder soaked desire
Consume my cause & motive
***** the brutal past
Love my dying embers
I wasn't meant to last

Upon opening my eyes
I awake to nothing
It is the benchmark of my days
Spent in furious labour
Or idling in empty hours
The result is always
Nothing
To love and tend in furious passion
To sicken and hate shamelessly
It still remains as nothing
Each whispered cause
Each luminous belief
Is nothing
Without meaning or reward
As each day fades
I close my eyes
To nothing.

I've been a phantom all this time.
In every corridor
In every second
I faded a little more
In every scene
In every crowd
I'm lesser than before
All that lived has now expired
Each haunted word is old and tired
You once saw me
You once noticed
Now you just walk out the door
This dimness
Took my body
Took my heart
Took what mattered
Leaving just a ghostly shell
Hopeless, lost and scattered
The blame
Lies slyly at my feet
I was hollow from the start
In feeling nothing for myself
I took myself apart.

The screws dug deeper
        into my skin Burrowing
like tiny invasive flames
Pain tripping sickly
into my veins Finding its home
  under
       muscle
and sinew As
tendrils probed my serpent
guts
Shock.Subdued.Sensation
Gently arresting functionality
Instead of Epinephrine resistance
I found myself drifting
further Into Sleep.

Sometimes I think about you
And I can't stop crying.

This inhuman mask of stability
Is all for ******* show.
The tears
The pain
The anger,
Stored quietly below.
I wonder if you even think of me
If my name's a thorn.
Tho contemplation is a waste
When all the love is gone.
It broke me when I lost you
There's nothing left but doubt.
My heart burned bright with passion
Until you put it out.

This feeling.
This phase.
Let it die.
My bones and heart are weary,
Beyond sickness or displeasure.
Let me wallow in this lousy passion,
I want the ripe solace of moist flesh,
Succulent sin.

there is no joy in removing this,
no pleasure forgetting you.
pretending to forget,
to make the days easier,
the nights shorter.
I miss telling you "I love you"
those words now deadened
in my throat.
I hate these terms of undoing,
when you are all I remember
and the world is cold
and sterile.
those gnashing smiles of carefree pasts
reminding me
to be grateful
because all you lost is a woman
plenty more fish
better to have loved and lost
time heals all wounds
it wasn't meant to be
ILLCUTOUTYOURTONGUE
she was not that.
she was starlight in the chaos
meaning and reason
the voice I loved
a reason
where there was none.

I found immortality in a dream
something something
A secret Beatles album,
Songs rearranged.
And though the answer quickly fades
I was glad to know.

You are a world away
I am entirely numb
Disconnect, dial again
Know
"I think I'm dumb"
Redefine success
Without bars or locks
Leave the past behind
In this Heart-Shaped Box
All apologies
A grain becomes a pearl
Unseen complications
In thinking
About a girl

I am master
Of my foolish heart,
Of every last mistake.
Each word that slips,
My downfall
Sings of the Inevitable.
The losing hand,
The heartless bluff
Is only my design.
Each lonely path,
Each unheard gasp.
Always had to be.
A self-fulfilling prophecy.
A self-destructive irony.
I'm master
Of this pitiless dream.

The certainty of this world
Caught me off guard.
I saw no trace of rot
Or ruin,
Just a love and desire
That blinded me,
All truth served only to deceive —
Secrets became wounds.
Familiarity—Invasion.
Your place removed.
... in your shadow.
These dying glories
Leaving words rattled in my skull.
Love became an ungodly deed,
Made only to *******.
My dying desperation
For your rejection and scorn,
Just a change of priorities,
Nothing personal
Try to forget.
I won't text or call.
Great will
A final act of love.
No way forward,
No way back.

Give me a shot.
Remake the love we had,
Still breathing.
Buzzing.
Retrace the steps
That led
To our brilliance.
Breathe life into the dead.
Kiss cold lips,
Steal the fading pulse.
The words we shared were vows
Not just empty mutterings.
Not sounds flung into nothingness.
Meaning given virtue.
Love speared on eternity.
We are falling stars
Cursing our path.
Corpses bloat the rivers.
Churches burn.
We are this shoddy ******.
This is our beginning.
This is our end.

I tried to forget,
To remove the love stuck in
my heart.
A stray bolt, embedded
In soft flesh.
I tried to know the love I felt...
I feel.
To understand its core.
The intensity.
The resilience.
Now alien,
Unwanted.
Flagrant and indecent.
A love that taunts.
A love that won't be forsaken
                     won't be buried —
A love that doesn't understand
You're gone.

everyone says they know
the finality of love
but you
became
the end
of
me
.

I won't go through this again.
What's it matter
             When all I ever cared
Left reasons to be thrown away.
Isn't it enough —
To see?
To comfort?
To find familiarity
In unfamiliar love.
Each person I touch,
Is a memory.
Fading.Sweeping.
Slowly.Creeping.
To darker corners.
Unwilling.
To play their part.
This pantomime is such a bore.
Is it really so hard?
All I want
Is what you owe.

It's just another year
Nothing more of consequence
A little older, none the wiser
Endlessly repeating; attack/defence
Always losing fated falling
Is it will that I lack?
Faking faith and joy and reason
While serious as a heart attack
So let's pretend it didn't happen
No words of love on printed card
Just leave me with the bottle
Celebration shouldn't be this hard
**** this life and all I ever lost
Put to end this sorry day
All I ever learned in total —
The way to win is not to play

Through strange
misfortune
Astral coincide,
Our paths crossed.
Signals passed
Tangential sorrow
Connected
Unlikely fellows.
abstract
code
Pointed, slyly
To your door.
You helped me see
The world anew.

I learned the truth,
Today.
I heard the anger and pain
In your voice.
We're strangers again,
somehow.
No affection.
No trust.
We bark and bite.
Trying to wound.
Trembling.
The strength I had  —
Forgotten,
Like those sweet
whispered moments.
I long to leave it far behind.
To sleep in peaceful arms
and forget...
The sun is ******.
The birds don't fly.
All that once knew love
has died.

At times I try
To curb my misanthropic ways.
I try to see the beauty,
Inherent in "our kind".
Instead
I see the greed
         the selfishness
         the vanity.
I see you
Scuttling like ants.
Mindless as cattle.
The individual
Feeble
Uninspired
Disappointing.
I'm poisoned by
your presence.
compromised
thru proximity
you.
you make me sick.
This dreadful fate —
...
I think I died
And
This is Hell.

Was it worth it?
Was it worth the hurt?
If you knew —
Would you pay the toll?
Though the cost is high,
Ultimate.
The punishment; severe.
I wouldn't hesitate.

It's easy to expound
Who we are
Through definition and vice.
But there is more within
Hidden variables
Precise Sins
Heartless Approximations.
We are chemical gods
Violent
Snake Guts.
Parasitic lovers.
Effigies of father and (sun).
Ready to pin
Destiny
On foolish mistakes.

I've decided to forget you.
Each stray thought,
Each reminiscence —
Is now just a loveless reminder.
A sentimental stab.
So,
I've decided to forget.
No longer
Will sad associations be traded
with meaningless facts.
No more
Tangential heartache.
No
Hastily covered tears.
Just slow burning
Synaptic ruin.
Our secrets,
Our dreams of the sea —
Washed away.

In your love,

I knew redemption.
I found trust,
A wealth of beauty in dark glories.
I saw stars
under heartless skies.
Alpha and Omega.
Endless.
I saw life incandescent,
A world beyond my own.

In your love,

I gained
and lost everything.

I am gone.
Adrift thru cold dead air,
Lost in the horizon.
There's no comfort,
No means of adaptation.
Only this void.
          this loveless space.
Out here I am forgetting you —
Slowly,
As my oxygen depletes.

Nights are heartless
The stars are dying
My will,
My breath
Is running out.
I lost my life
In your dark woods.
Howling,
Your love slew me.
The cold unknown
Cut without mercy.
Now I see only one-way streets.
Useless friendships
Waving me goodbye.

**** "romance"
**** flowers
**** the minutes
**** the hours
**** the greedy
**** the smug
**** the lonely
**** the loved
**** the gorgeous
**** the ugly
You never meant
that much to me
**** Cupid
**** lust
**** fakery
**** trust
**** Hallmark
**** affection
**** guilt
**** expectation
**** devotion
**** foreplay
But most of all —
**** VALENTINE'S DAY

My world is cut in silence
The rain is red
All stories told.
Our bodies roamed just like a virus
In denial
Of our true home.
This sickening betrayal
Left a monster
In my place.
The love I gave entirely
Lead only
To my disgrace.

Why talk
When they don't listen?
Why be
When you don't feel?
Why yield
Unto submission?
Why earn
When you can steal?
Why fight
Against the darkness?
Why love
When love will die?
The past is dust and vanity.
The future is a lie.

This sickened day.
Burrowing —
Further into shadow,
Further into regret.
A minus
Struck against my worth.
These sins —
These worthless aspects
Born into flesh.
Parceled to beyond.
Away.
Away.
You are all strangers
Blurry ghosts in the streets.
Was everything.
        too much
        to ask?
Who cares about the love?
Who cares about the tender words?
It was a lifetime ago.
I'm pointed to oblivion
                           without
return.

The world without you
                    would seem so bare.
Your quiet musings,
Tiny congregations.
Unnoticed,
Always present.
Like a gentle heartbeat
A fragile throb of life.
To and fro —
Beyond our mortal realm.
Secrets and wonder
In plain sight.