A little accident.

Dumb, not grave.

Small talks.

Turning into something more.

What to you was seemingly random,

To me was treasure.

You were there when no one else dared to stay.

Yet you never knew that.

Out of small talks,

I spilled truth.

I made myself a burden.

I made you worry,

I'm sorry.

I ponder if it was wrong for me;

Wrong to even speak to you so openly.

You said it was fine,

Even though I know I take much of your time;

Though I thank you;

Letting some of the bottled grief get out of me.

But we don't even talk anymore.

But even if we do;

*You don't have to lie anymore

I can't think of anything to say
I love you for some reason though I know you don't
What a dumb thing to be in, right?
I can't put myself to go to others but you
Even though you can't love me back
Those three words seem to be the only ones that come out of my mouth:
I love you.
I can't hear myself saying them, either.
I'm too scared;
Scared of what they'll say,
Scared of what you would say;
So tell me this:
Why does my head insist on us, given there will never be us?

I'm tired of being passive,
I'm tired of being silent.
I tried,
Being someone I'm not;
I tried,
Being who I was,
Before everything shifted;
I found myself lost.

Wandering, wandering,
I should be doing something awfully important.
**But, here I am, writing words that seem to instantly come out of my head.

I feel hopeless
All the things they say seem to have no effect;
What was rotten can never be fixed;
What was shattered can never be reshaped.
The wound cannot be closed;
It bleeds.
As the ruby-red blood drips from my body;
I freeze.*
In scorn

Dry and crackling fire within
Ready to start a blaze
Hungry to devour the world
To cause a smoking haze

A plume of black on the horizon
As the sun does set
The fire all-the-more visible
When with darkness it is met

Darkness rests not further
The fire indeed grows brighter
Yet also pale moonlight grows paler
Both strong yet not enough to conquer

In blackness dark still remains
Amidst the flames and moonlight, it retains
The sun might shine to bid away the darkness' feigns
Twilight may be gone but the emptiness remains

Ache in incomprehensible pain
Bask under the faint light of hope;
Your end seems to be nearing;
Seems that it's darkening;
Seems that you're already falling.

Here it is, I'll try to write,
This blocking thought I'll try to fight;
So ****** up yet not of spite,
I'll try, even if I'm scared it won't go right.

I know we've never talked in person;
Dumb, right?
Though once we open the chatbox
We'll talk like long met acquaintances

I know I've said a lot of spontaneous ****,
You'll patch them up with yours;
The moment you typed those random words
It instantly meant something to me

I told you when I wanted to die.
I told you that would be the last.
Yet you peered through me,
Saved me from something I thought I wanted.

It ought to be awkward;
A way I can't fathom,
Yet you talk like nothing's changed;
Comfort I needed.

We talked boring days and sleepless nights,
We talked shows and music,
We talked about lives,
We talked about us.

"Hey"
"Eyyyyy"
"Thanks for keeping up with my ****"
"It's cool I talk about random **** too"

"Hey"
"What's up?"
"I hope I'm not botheting you"
"Hey, it's okay"

"Hello"
..."hey"
"gotta go"
"wait, I—"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
*Never mind

Again, I lost it.
Got my hopes up;
As usual.
Iterated my disarray,
Nothing but rejection was their reaction.

Again, I thought of it.
Grew to an acquaintance,
Assorted into bleakness;
Intrinsic I was not,
Null was I.

Again, I felt it.
Glaring at me;
Anger and disgust.
Inside of me,
Apprehensions try to rip me apart.

Again, I've hurt myself.
Guilt ensues over me;
Again, I've hurt them, as well.
Insensible as I were;
Not as insensible as I am now.

Again, I've fallen.
Gutted down to nothing.
Assaulted beyond me.
Inherently living in me;
None other than perpetrators, such as myself.

It's easy to let the fire grow,
But it's hard to start it up again.
It's easy in the dark to see the glow,
But it's hard to know what it is back then.
Senseless analogies, sensitive cahoot;
Meaningless fallacies that show us the truth;
The door is ajar, it can't be closed;
The dawn's still afar, we won't remember it most;
I wish I had never opened the box,
If I knew I had no idea to close it.
The lazy dog jumps over the brown fox,
Now you made everything in me twisted.
Sensitive analogies; Senseless as cahoot;
They're still fallacies; They'd show not the truth;
I wish I had known to reel out much better,
Your words of company, more than an affixer;
I wish we could start up the flame again;
*But I guess all I could do is write it all down with a pen.

All it takes
Is a random conversation
To make me feel like
Anyone cares

All it takes
Is "hey";
To make me know
You still care

All it took
Was a single happening
That made me feel
Broken

All it took
Was someone so close
Doing something so bad
Making me so wasted

All it took
Were deafening fights
And whispering threats
To make me silent

All it took
Was a single "are you okay"
To make me budge
About the way you saw me

All it takes
Is a single conversation

All it takes
Is for you to see how deformed I am
For me to push you away
I'm sorry

All it takes
Is for me to cry help
For you to finally know
But never come

All it takes
Is sharing the truth
Then just leaving me
To make me feel forgotten

All it takes
Is a random happening
To make me want
Something I cannot control

All it takes
Is a few pills
To make you dizzy
Into the sleep you've waited for

All it takes
Is a few slits;
Pain to make you feel
Alive and dead at the same time

All it takes
Is a jump on the seawall
Or a glug of bleach
To end your suffering

All it takes
Is fear to know
And fear to live
To die.

I ponder
If you knew how much you meant;
I wonder
If you know how many tears I spent;

I know
It's a dumb thing, so feeble;
A stow,
Of feelings so much but none evil;

It's hard,
Trying to make sense of a love so brittle;
It's awkward,
We talked so much yet so little;

Wait, I forgot,
I'm the only one who knows it;
That's why it's all for naught,
Because you will never feel it;

Love,
Love that shouldn't be here;
Love,
Love that I fear;

Love,
Love that I just keep in store;
Love,
Love that could never be more.

If you see these words,
You'll just flow astray;
If you see my words,
*I know you'll go away.

It's been a while since I had to write;
Words that may be lies; words that may be right;
It's been a while since I let it out,
Emotions not of joy and not of spite.

—

As the straps in your jacket tighten,
Soon your body will be dosing off pills,
Your mind will be played by "Doctors",
Lose all your sanity,
Uneasy pieces put together,
Make your head insane.

I wish I'd just fly away,

Lead astray by the skies;

Soaring higher and higher until I just explode.

I wish I'd get tied to make me grounded:

Soft enough to sway,

But strong enough to stay;

Moving to the whims of the breeze until I just explode.

But instead I'm just filled with emptiness.

Unable to speak my censures.

But I float.

Drown me, but I'll float;

And float—

And float,

Until I get swept away.

I wish I'd just explode.

You look into my eyes
and I allow;
Although I know through it
you look at yours;
I'm nothing but an object:
Something to get what you want.
Never the one desired.
At a loss for words,
Beaten up by distractions.
I'm tired but I can't yield;
The world never cared
for unannounced rejects
like me.
The only way I can escape
is to die.
And I can't change my mind.
I'm sorry.

The Silence speaks many words.
The Silence speaks many thoughts.
Not all rambles are made with mouths,
Not all cries are made with tears;
As not all pain are cauterized wounds.
Silence bears the ghost you try so hard to forget.
Silence holds forsaken memories.
Silence creeps upon and haunts us;
The Silence knows no exceptions.

The blue sky condemns the pitch-black sadness of isolation and regret,
No salvation can save me from my madness,
No happiness can take me from my sadness.
When the water rides the sea, none is felt but grief.
Lest the bird cannot swim the ocean as he desires,
Only Death can avail to his desires.
Demons deserve no retribution,
As one rotten is not privileged his wish,
In death he is greeted with empty bliss.

You know you kind of have a problem

When you search the dictionary for words

You know you've ****** up;

*When you cry over happy songs.

It's a ******* understatement

*When you feel ****** all day and "it's just a phase."

I'd see them laugh, I cry.
They'd see me happy, they'd despise.
Suffocate the truth with your lies.
Deafen with your murmurs my cries.
You'd say we're all equal,
You'd say we're all fair,
Yet I can see the horns in your halo.
With one is privilege,
To the other is plummeting demotions,
I seem to end up lying down in the ground.
Try and say your **** one more time,
**I'd not be dumbfounded with your flowering words.

I once admired a person,
So much I wanted me to change;
So much I wanted to destroy who I am,
Just to be somewhat compatible.

Then I thought:

My head's more messed up thinking about escaping,
Than being messed up thinking about you being mine.

So I had nothing to lose and gain;

*I returned to tightening the noose of reality to love.

I always say, I feel nothing.
I always say, I'm not empathic.
I try to hide the reality,
That my heart is broken, severely.
I can see the morning sun,
Yet I cannot feel the light.
I sit in an empty room,
Yet I feel welcomed;
Welcomed by those not welcomed by others,
Welcomed by those who haunt my evening slumbers,
Welcomed, by those monstrosities in my head.
They speak in my tongue,
They move in my paces,
They think of my thoughts,
They are in my shoes.
They are my comfort,
They are my fears,
That one day, they'd make waterfall out of my tears.
I am damaged by words,
I am bruised by anticipation,
That the worst is always to happen,
As it was—no, in, my life.
They hold the strings to my body,
They fit my broken pieces to shape.
They stretch my mouth to form a smile,
They deafen my ears to the sound of joy,
They make me caged, wherever I go,
They follow my every stroll.
My demons are not my enemies,
Nor are they my saviors.
It is those around me, that feed them anger,
That my heart is painted black and horrid,
That my eyes are clouded in fogs of sadness.
Censures around me speak all of: "Cheer up!"
They could not understand!
How would they know what I feel?!
Know of the pain I suffer everyday;
Know of the wounds that bleed in my thoughts;
Know of the knives that stab me in my wake,
Knives that cut deeper than my body, my soul;
Know of the love I would never feel;
Know of the scars that will never heal;
Know of the eyes too exhausted to cry;
Know of the will to weak to even try;
Try to fight for justice he sought?
I know, I'm an attention *****.
I know, I say, what you say is *******.
I can't think of anything else that I can do,
Nor think of the hands I can reach out to.
I write in rambles, I speak in some, too.
None can really see, my faith is few.
I can never go back to what once I was,
**You trashed it long ago.

Been hurt too much it doesn't feel like anything.
Been played with without knowing and ended up broken.
What a pity it was;
His heart did as worse as his dainty mind.
Same old, same old,
Staring blankly at the screen;
Should be doing something no one really knows,
Bawling my heart out;
Bawling without tears flowing.
Tinker with the darkness that's sleeping,
Fill your head with unfamiliarity,
Once a man's mind snaps;
You better run away from it.
From writing pieces,
Back to scribbling random words.
Been there, done that.
Been hurting over and over,
Been hurting but never learning.
Haven't learned anything;
Feels nothing but yearning;
Yearning for love never reciprocated.
Been crying though it sounds fake,
Been loving though it sounds uncanny.
The chills never left me;
*The cycle never ends.

Her move's more than suspicious;
Did she wear those short-*** shorts again?
What is it? She going to another home or something?
Why don't you say those **** to her yourself?
I ain't a conduit for your complaints,
I ain't an ear to hear your whining.
If you want to know the truth that badly,
Then why do you make the effort to spread the poison,
Instead of giving it to the victim?
You have the uncanny strength of superstition,
Hat's off to you, good sir,
Unfortunately I think it would be,
I'd **** myself by jumping from your pride to your knowledge;
*Very steep and suicidal.

I regret giving it everything I am.
I regret giving up everything they ought to be.
I regret the blades that passed my wrists;
But then, it's part of life, isn't it?
To destroy what you can.

Must it be this painful?

Eluding salvation;

Looming over but never in reach,

Ordinal mess;

Distraught.

Red, painted red;

Amidst a room tinted pitch-black;

Must it be this unbearable?

A burning feeling in my chest,

Thrashing.

Incandescent rotting;

Cut and bleed;

Cease and desist.

Analytical confusion;

Torn to shreds with an order.

Hapless;

A fuzzy head thought full yet thoughtless,

Roaming an abyss so quiet

Stars can be heard gushing through the wind.

Inevitable pleading;

Salavation, eluding.

In the rhythm of your words,
I would be a white noise.
I would always be there,
Yet you'll never notice me.
I try to make the spotlight mine,
For once,
Yet I end up giving it to you,
Out of admiration,
Out of pity.
I blot words that sound bratty,
Words that don't deserve your attention.
Yet if you could read this,
I'd thank you for your time.
No matter what I do,
I'll always be the white noise.
I've never been the main attraction.
At least, if it wasn't for a horrid cause.

Time's against me, it seems,
Ill would be my future.
Chasing after an unseen oracle,
Knowing all abides this law.

Time's a two-faced man,
Obfuscating yet illuminating.
Chasing day after day,
Knowledge can do none to stop him.

Into a spiral of words, we go once more
Into the head of a madman;
On the contrary, he is self-proclaimed,
None proves he is a madman, after all.
He sets his machine ablaze,
Sculpting words upon his hundred epitaphs,
Exclaiming he'll end his hell today,
And rise again, tomorrow.

He is but a tinker of words,
He is but a feeble being;
Unable to voice the change he desires,
Unable to converge in the norms.
His machine seems rusted,
Rusted, but not broken;
Spewing out nonsense in disguise,
Molding empty grandeur.

It is not his machine that needs repairs,
It is the Tinker who seeks soothe.
He toils upon his machine,
Only to find that none is wrong;
It still basked in ivory and gold,
It still made what it does.
Yet, why does the Tinker feel such incompleteness?
All was vague, until it, came;

It had a smile that rivaled the sunrise,
It gave the Tinker the eyes to see the truth,
It showed him the light, and umbra of life.
It guided the Tinker to the stars;
It made the Tinker feel new again.
Together, they tinkered the machine once more,
And together, they saw the marvel before their very eyes;
They were truly, a cog and a catalyst.

Yet all is not forever.
It vanished without a trace.
It left the Tinker lost.
With its departure,
It left wake of the darkness in his heart.
His eyes grew dimmer,
He saw his masterpiece again, as a loss,
A failure.

The Tinker left death to feed upon his happiness,
The Tinker felt incompleteness once more;
He gambled for it to stay,
Yet all gambles fail in the end.
Yet the Tinker never knew,
It never left him.
The Tinker was made a fool over nothing;
Art lest, just offer nonsense, in love's yonder.

Stuck with a midnight crises,
Split to think about two people,
Split to hearing two voices in my head.
All while busy crying the time away.
Melancholic piano plays,
As the rainy night passes by;
My favorite night.
They'd not believe me when I'd tell them,
No one would believe tears from a boy's eye would be real.
And this cold ain't the best thing to feel with it.
So I'd have no choice but to sleep unfinished.
I'll just see them in my dreams,
With a song on repeat.
I might have a blanket,
But nothing would spare me from the cold truth;
That you'll never feel the same for me.





































Both of you.

I'm sorry:
To the words I don't give justice to;
To the words painted meaningful

*But end up lackluster.

I'm afraid to lure to you to me,
I know they won't like it.
I'm scared for you to know me,
I feel like I'm a ball you'll hit.
Foreign people, foreign disputes,
Pacing unrealistic promises.
Trying to make up absolutes,
Even though I'm the only one making crash courses.
Tying to talk to us again,
Attempting to rhyme;
Like sewing tattered linen;
Quite easy, but not easy on time.
I left just for me to return,
I typed just for you to know;
I'd never stop, I'd never learn;
Like a madman resurrecting someone from a barrow.

I'm here again,

It's me.

Again with many words,

Few messages.

A voice so loud,

Yet inaudible;

A resolve so strong,

Yet so spineless.

Again I'm overthrown by my weakness,

Again I turn to my drugs.

I wish that'd be the worse part of it all.

I lay at the couch half-sleeping, half-awake,

I lay my head down, I lay as my body ache,

I lay down and to there I see

A hand pulling mine;

Thrashed to the lobby.

Found me at the bathroom,

Still with breath cut short,

Left to me was rapport I hope so much to abort;

Body left helpless, body failed a last resort.

Now I write, barely sleeping, barely awake,

Life threw with everything at stake;

I can never unfeel the unspeakable things you've done,

I can never remove the handprints you have left upon me;

I can never undo the chaos you have left to run,

I will never forgive how you moved me.

Breath cut short,

Innocence left shorter.

Once. More.

I've always wanted you to love me,
Then I realized you'll never love me back.
Then again I tried to take hold of senseless hope;*
Then it came and I realized what I lack.