bangzoom
like police cars
lining up
outside the funeral home
holdingmybreath
rubbing my temples.
breathing deep in an upright castle
made of particle board
andheldtogether
by strange whispered memories.
inside.
with a glittering computer screen that remembers everything reflected.
theclickofheelsinthehallway
the sharp snap of magnets
meeting.
So I bring you love
and coffee
and conversation.
wrapped tightly around our necks.
and love.
and love.
wrappedtightlyaroundournecks.
bangzoom.

i'll teach you what it's like to be a ghost
how to move from space to space unnoticed
how to blow through rooms on fire
without wincing.
how to be nimble
but paralyzing
and poignant.
i'll teach you what it's like to cut a noose
with a dull knife
and not bring down the whole house
i'll teach you how to take weight in your arms
without falling
and how you can get them to look you in the eyes
when they can't see through their tears
i'll prove to you
you can remove a heart
without breaking it
if you carry it in your throat
if i could impart to you
how to take a portion of their pain
without wearing it like a cloak
or exchanging it for guilt
i will show you.
i'll teach you what it's like to be a ghost.

what do you want
i want to put my forehead to your temple and wrap my arm around you. i want to feel at home again. and wild and unbound. with all of the fancy fish swimming from me to you. as i rock.
i rock my head against you, the curves make it easy to do. i tighten my grip and
glitter paint on our fingertips and that
small
secret on hushed lips, smirking. savored. unbound.
unbound and scattered. beautiful words. bold, italic, underlined. asterisks and parentheses. tossed and grabbed at by our bony fingers. like it was some sort of game. it was. i need you now.
enthusiasm and hip bones jutting. neon, day glow, pink and stained tile on the bathroom floor.
i need you now. simply. i know no one else came close.
one girl to another.
unbound.

take big, messy bites of plums and pomegranates. carry a pocket knife. use it to clean your teeth. in public especially. if people notice- smile and wave. then go back to plucking the skins out. collect moderately priced perfume and wear a spray or two too much. every day. grow out your nails, grow out your hair. then when the compliments come, clip them short. paint them black. bury your eyes in a buried book. change your routine. wake up an hour earlier and go on a jog, get coffee and a fresh croissant. keep your head up.  exchange the air for flavored smoke. stare unapologetically. buy some new *******. put on your favorite lipstick and kiss the mirror. dance to that song every time it comes on. even if there are people in the room. sing into a hair brush and make them want to join in. buy a new box of crayons. wear them down to pathetic little nubs. buy yourself fresh flowers. laugh so hard that people can see if you have cavities. even way in the back. be sure to eat the things that cause them. drink coffee and flavored beer. curse. get tattoos. fall in love, then fall back out. pack up their ****, or pack up yours. or maybe leave it all behind. ride a carousel. wear a push up bra and steel toed boots. tell ridiculous lies to people you'll never see again. make funny faces at children when their parents aren't looking. give presents often. challenge yourself to learn a new language. then learn two. leave the cabinets open, and fill them with dishes that don't match. not even a little bit. compliment old ladies. make paper flowers. write love notes. walk slowly past grave yards. get your hands *****. be shameless and loving. own your mistakes. learn from them. even if you have to make them more than once. be courageous and content. stand up for yourself when you need to, be kind- even to yourself. and if someone gives you a reason to smile, make sure you do it. often.

not in the usual way with
bent knee and bowed head
but with nag champa and cd inserts, with
deep reds,
plastic costume jewelry beading and safety pinned rips.
it was post cards and cigarette ash
with Kroger's box dye in
rusted orange.
staining our fingernails. didn't matter. we painted them in
neon green and chunky glitter. we stayed up late and wandered
laughter like a shattered diamond breaking into a million stars and thrown out over such a welcoming ivory towered
night sky.
and itallian food households with those noodles in jars.
looking up.
it was Billy Corgan telling us he'd
sing along.
it was memories that aren't even mine. cut in my eyes.
it was blunt bobs and pixie haircuts.  it was cut necklines and walking on air. giant chain necklaces and whispered chap-lipped secrets.
endless folds and bottomless love
in a deliciously musty floral hat box.
you're just low end in
loving apathy.
and i'm absent in my own life.
it was an interruption so unspeakably painful.
doesn't seem so hard to revisit.
but i can't.

not another soggy wind pipe sonnet
curb side prophet
      fodder.
and i keep leaving shadows of you
on
the doorsteps
                of everyone that's loved me since.
i can't throw it away
and, god- believe me
when i say i've tried.