Why- I’ve been thinking a lot lately
a surprising notion for someone as vapid as I am, I know
but the sentiment still remains
thought- it has been happening
and I’ve come to the grand conclusion
I make a horrible poet
no teenage angst, no head over heel love
a surprising lack of passion for a girl my age
sixteen is supposed to be my prime emotional state
so why do I feel so empty
Imagine your excitement- Easter Morning- 2006
basket brimming with gelatinous ooze and future cavities
when you see it there
cradled in between the silky green plastic strings
Mega Jumbo Chocolate Easter Bunny
your little heart beats faster, faster, faster
until you take a bite
and dread is the only thing that takes place
of that once so familiar savory sweetness
hollow- the bunny is hollow
It’s nothing more than a disappointment really
to look up at the stars and just see stars
to smell the crisp turning of autumn in the air
to watch the inch worm dance despite the distance
to wonder upon the cute boy across the room
and feel nothing
Maybe I’m thinking too much
Maybe I’m just repressing that deep down hatred of myself
that society seems so keen on me having
Maybe I don’t want to be a poet
Maybe I want to be a poem
Yes, I want to be a poem
dripping in catharsis
melting to the very point of emotional vulnerability
tearing away the mask you hide behind
yes, I want to be that metaphorical nonsense you call art
I want to be the words you bravely hide behind
to tell your story like no other medium can
I want to feel the daggers in my sides
and I want to fly to the moon
I want to be emotion
I want to be real
I want to be a poem
but that’s just a little too nonsensical, isn’t it?
dream big, stay small, hope’s how you grow them all
but hope isn’t happiness, is it?
hope isn’t real, is it?
hope is a vapid emotion
perfect for a girl like me

And so the duckling turned
into the swan
not entirely sure
the road she was on
every compliment
a poisonous snake
sinking it's sickly smile
into every Beat
beat
break
of her heart
every smile's a spark
a flame that can't be ignited
her mind it can't be untied it
just goes to show you
the lengths they will go to
to feel like they belong
this is no dream
this is no song
but doesn't it seem like
that's the road she's on
she'll break like a toothpick
unable to cool it
tells herself
just to move it
unable to believe
the lies she's been told
how can this be real
we're all just growing old

I can remember seeing your face
that very first day
as my heart began to race
the red showed on my face
I suddenly felt so out of place
No, out of space
gone
I saw you and nothing existed
the world around me faded
and left me feeling
jaded
tainted
vulnerable
You took my words away
as you came up to say
"Hello"
I wanted to tell you
how you made me feel
like nothing was real
I wanted you to unravel
the map that is my heart
so I could pinpoint the place
you had already taken
I wanted to tell you how you made me feel
so alone
so shaken
How you took my world
and crumpled it in your hands
as if I had no plans
and I hate you
I hate how you made me feel so small
so powerless
faceless at the mercy of your wish
How you made me feel like nothing
but someone on the perpetual waiting list for
love
and I hate how you took my everything away
and replaced it with
your laugh
your chin
the back of your neck
the curl in your hair
the face you make engulfed in a new book
and the curl you get in your lip when you eat something horrible
and that thing you do when something makes you uncomfortable
and the way you can make a cloudy day seem like it was made
for people like me
and people like you
you filled me with
your thoughts
your smells
your life
the intoxicating light of your soul
and I hate you
I hate your smile
your laugh
the twitch in your lip
and the curl in your hair
because you took my everything away
and replaced it with something better
as if my everything wasn’t good enough already
You made me hate myself
because myself wasn’t with you
You took my words away
and I hate that I love you
I hate that I love
your laugh
your smile
the curl in your hair
and the dimple on your cheek
I hate how I love
your voice
your mind
and the body it’s contained in
how I love your confined sense of inflated eloquence
when you talk about something you hate
and your clamorous sense of bumbling un-eloquence
when you talk about something you love
even more
I love how you make feel
weak in the knees
with every breeze
that brings you closer to me with ease
As if you were a disease I couldn’t get rid of
And didn’t want to get rid of
because I love you
and I hate you because as long as I can remember
that very first day
you will always have my words
you will never know how you make me feel so alone
and so alive
you will never how you make me feel
so vulnerable
as I heard the beat of my breath
as if it were a poem kept in perfect time
you will never know how much I crave
to love you
to be your friend
because that was the end
that first day I saw you
you took my words away
and there they will stay
until I can forget the way
you made me feel
that very
first
day

Feathers like hair
make me stare
for far too long
until I remember
you're not there
I'll steal the clouds
and you'll steal the sky
if that means
your thoughts will not hide
smile away
the longest days
keep me dreaming
of what you'll become
death is far away
if in a poet's mind you stay
if fear is a choice
I choose you
so smile
smile away