how can i grow up
become an adult
when i’ve been an adult all my life
when i had to sit beside my mom watch her have her 3rd anxiety attack of the day because my father taught her once again that love is pain when i had to repeat that exact same situation over and over again throughout years of my life until it became a routine when i had to put myself in front of the monster unskin myself of all fears and make eye contact with him the same eyes that when i was 10 years old told me i was his little treasure and now his only treasure was tearing this family apart
when i held my mom in my arms at 18 sitting in our living room ground the cold of the floor never bothering me because at least i was feeling something other than pure unaltered chaos time grew thicker and she was slowly closing her eyes begging not to leave but not rioting against the idea because at least she found peace in the 5 minutes i held her unconscious in my arms screaming her name thinking i had lost the only light in my life because of the eyes that lied to me all those years ago when my heart still skips a beat everytime i hear a door bell keys tingling against each other announcing the monster was arriving when i transferred from school to school losing friends losing myself losing roots because we kept changing houses because the monster couldn’t find a way to control his monster instincts when the house never mine felt more like a battlefield because i would spend more time actually fighting the monster than breathing to protect my family with my two bare hands the same hands that he held when i was 7 years old as we were walking through the beach after he picked me up from school and i thought to myself how life was gonna be as great when i grow up so tell me
now that i grew up
and i have become an adult
where do i go to find my childhood
mist in the mire
words might as well have been invented only in attempt to describe you.
groundfold . the final chapter
i find myself lost in this comfortable metaphorical heaven where forever feels tangible
i’m falling into you in this life within a dream
and i feel more alive than i have ever been
banks . contaminated
the feeling of safeness resides right where you stand
i picture you like a home i get to at the end of the day, quietly submersing my heart into this feeling of ease
the sun kissing every piece of wall as it sets
i’m drowning in you,
and i know feelings never stay
but i think i could make a life out of this one.
wet . 11 hours
i know how it’s not easy.
the wintry air pierces through that delicate heart of yours,
the room shrinks as you wish upon the stars that it stops
i wish unfailingly that i could sing you to sleep until you feel shielded from the troubling world that lays out there.
safe and sound running through your self made dreamland with a smile from ear to ear
i know how loneliness settles in.
it curls up next to you like a little cat waiting be petted
i will ask the moon to sing to you until your heart is made of pure bliss
i know how to make the cold burn,
and turn it into beautiful red petals.
the night sky
i sit at the edge of my heart
feet dangling, face up
contemplating where to tiptoe next
in my mind i see you,
you glance at me with starry eyes
and suddenly i’m in the clouds.
i sit at the edge of my bed,
if heaven lives inside me.
oh wonder . heartstrings
you don’t have to kiss me goodbye if you hold me at hello
the city at night and its sounds