It’s been awhile since I've had one. I try to push it away when the slightest things seem to light the fire, burning everything down I've worked so hard for. Most days, I come home fine and feed my fish, make dinner and live the life i deserve. I deserve it, i gotta keep telling myself that. It used to be so much worse though, oh god. So much worse. Each time my head explodes, I always hope it’s the very last time. The very last time or i can’t do this anymore. Or so i think, anyway.
By then, I can’t bear to nurse this succubus any longer, and cannot handle the leech ******* off my stability. My life is constantly dancing on a tight wire; balance and don’t let go.
Don’t fall apart.
She comes for me still, and I have some hope that she will die in some nasty trainwreck or even better, taken hostage by some scaly aliens in a world I can never get to. And when she comes, she takes everything from me. I’m not doing well enough, i didn’t do anything to accomplish the goals i have, to have achieved everything i could ever want in life.
Anxiety has a way of making everyone feel less than, or things that could not have been farther from the truth. Tonight it came to me, in a rush episode followed by bouts of extreme sobbing, trembling, mania, and telling myself to let everyone go because I make their lives miserable. My head will try to poison what good I have here. I believe my significant other can do better, way better, and why isn’t he? Why am i not making him? I will sit there and question him and trap myself to really assume he actually does not want me, only pities me. And for that, I must make him go. Run away, please, get away from me and hide because i’ll look for you. I’ll look for you and scream your name so loud my ancestors will hear it. Don’t come back. You are better off without me, without my low self esteem and my fits of rage. You are better than this, pristine and godly and I am utter trash. Tell me to go f*ck myself, hate me and say you never want to see me again. I will have won and lost at the same time.
She tells me I am a disappointment to my family’s name, weak and small. My energy drains in picking up every phone call from my mother only to tell me she knows I've been busy, but they are still there waiting for my call. She doesn’t really mean that though. What she really means is she’s upset at how busy I am, how I never see them, and how I never turned out to be the daughter they lost. I will never be her but I will live my life and die trying, so hard that my veins will protrude from my neck in frustration. No no, that’s all wrong, it got to be all wrong, I tell myself. Two sides of my mind that battle to the death, coming up with every fake persona to please. All I want is for people to like me. What a ridiculous idea, isn’t it? What matters whether or not someone that I will never meet again cares about what i think? Or even yet, my own blood, as it is my life and absolutely nobody else’s? That’s just it though. It’s everybody else’s. I am everybodys and I am nobody’s. The only thing I belong to is her, the only thing I try to break free from.
Someday I will give up, I say.
I will not.
It’s too bad that I am doomed to share my life with the deceiving entity that is anxiety. Fear, what grasps on tightly around my neck, squeezing slightly tighter after some time. Gradual, like it should be. I have no social outings and have decided to give up on them, seeing as I am too afraid of disappointing. That’s all i ever do, it seems like. Or so i thought. Of course, once it bangs me up and leaves me in bruises, do I then realize it was never really there. I am free, I think, even just for a moment. My lungs release the liquid inside and I gulp a large amount of air. I sob quietly on my bedroom carpet, hoping and praying to whatever nonsense is out there, that my loved ones have not given up on me. I turn to see my SO and he was right next to me the whole time, waiting for it to pass like a seizure that he can do nothing about. Wake up, it’s time for the next episode of your life, you idiot. This is all the moment you get. Be free.