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Monica May 28
Step back
One
Two
Three

Blink

One hundred ten
One hundred eleven
One hundred twelve

Wait
Backwards?

Too many steps backwards
Not enough forwards

Clouded judgment
Blurred lines
Reality
Thoughts

Which ways up
Which ways down
Mind bending
Heart bleeding

Lost
Confused
Scattered
Muddy

Quick sand surrounds me
Gripping me
Dragging down
Everything heavy

Drowning
In mud
In quick sand
In concrete

Immobilized
Dehumanized
Miserable
Alone

Suffering silently
Fighting internally
Struggling

Pushed it off
Pushed it away
Now its here
Its going to stay

Isolation
Quarantined
Life in a bubble
Heaven

Reality
Caged
Locked internal
Panicked

Flash back
Throw back
Sent back

Progress made?
Or lost?
Monica Oct 2019
The Sleeping Giant awakens
Peeling open his eyes for the first time in a couple megaannum
Mother Nature embraced him the
moment he laid to rest
But she calls out to him now
For Mother Nature was withering away

The Sleeping Giant lifts a hand
Shaking away the dust and dirt
Careful not to disturb the plant life
growing there
He slowly moves
As if his joints were cemented together

Carefully he stands
Moving Mother Nature's blanket
Setting it softley on the cold ground
For she calls to him, and he must answer

He stands, towering as tall as a mountain
Stronger than graphene
Mere mortals had written stories about the Sleeping Giant
But they were forgotten a few millennias ago

The Sleeping Giant did not forget
He had laid to rest in Mother Nature's
embrace
Hoping the mortals would remeber him
But time had passed, and they had
forgotten

Time is a mortal construct and therfore does not apply to the Gods
The Sleeping Giant only rested a short
while
But generations upon generations of
mortals lived and died during his
slumber
And Mother Nature's pleas for help
awoke the sleeping beast

He stood atop Everest
And wept at the sight before him
For the mortals had broken their promise

Mother Nature was dying which was why she cried out
For mortals created machines
And destroyed more than saved
And the Sleeping Giant was awoken to
protect his beloved Mother Nature
Monica Apr 2019
19
19 years old
Not quite old enough to drink
Not quite old enough to rent a car
But I'm old enough to choose my president
I'm old enough to decide the career I want for the rest of my life

I'm forced into a situation
Of choosing my path
Of finding who I am
Of knowing who I want to be

I can't even decide what I want to wear in the morning
I can't decide what I want to eat for breakfast, lunch, dinner
How do you expect me to know, what I want to do 50 years from now?

Technology continuously grows
Changing the times
Which leads to change in the economy, in the communication, in the culture

What happens if I chose a career
Then it has been phased out
I'm in debt
I'm empty
I'm lost

I'll be 30 years old
But 19 again

So many options
So many careers
So many
So many
So many

So many options and I'm drowning
How do I chose?
How do I decide at 19 years old?
How do I decide?

And how dare you?
How dare you force me to know?
How dare you force me to decide?
You call me a 'millennial'
You claim my generation is the cause of your economic downfall
You claim my generation is the cause of so much change

Have you considered,
We have watched what you do?
We have learned from your mistakes?
We have learned
And we refuse to go down the same path

I am 19 years old
I don't know who I will marry
I don't know where I'll be in 1, 5, or 10 years
I do not know

And I believe that's okay
I'm just venting because I'm frustrated with trying to decide my college major/minor
Monica Apr 2019
Stuck inside myself
The vicious claws dug in
The beast awoke
And I might choke
Which will cause me to cave in

He's been sedated
For so long
I forget he was even there
But now he's back
And he has attacked
And has ripped apart my brain

Worthless
Disappointment
Pathetic
Weak

Continuous­ly fighting
Clawing and scratching
Tearing apart who I am

I've worked so hard
And come this far
Just to be dragged back down again

Sedated for years
And I fought through my tears
Yet here he comes again

He's back with a vengeance
On a mission to wreck this
The progress I've made seems pointless

I wak up in the morning
And want to stay in bed
Finally succumbing to him

The time I stop fighting
Is the time I start dying
And the beast would finally win

But I've played this game
And its quite the same
As before this bought of destruction

If I keep fighting
He'll keep trying
But eventually I will win

Times will get better
As I work even harder
To get through this rough patch

I don't see an end
But I know it'll come
Because something will eventually give

Whether it's him or me
We shall soon see
May the strongest force win
Monica Sep 2018
Beautiful
That's it
That's all
Everything about you is

Beautiful

Your blue green eyes resemble the world
Full of life
And love
And possibilities

Your soft lips
Speak truth
And emit warmth

Your blond hair
Reminds me of rays of golden sunlight

Your strong hands
Hold me up when I'm falling down
And poke me until I smile

Your smooth voice
Is like warm honey
Flowing around me like a melody

You leave me speechless
You leave me breathless
You leave me motionless

I can't express what I think
I can't express what I feel
Except with the simple phrase of

I love you

And I do
With all my heart
All my mind
And all my soul

I've never known a love as this
All consuming

I see you
I know you
And I'm lucky enough to have you

And it's beautiful
Monica May 2018
Anxiety
Paranoia
Heart ache

I can't see an end
I can't see the light
I can't see the positive

My anxiety kicks in
My heart aches
And paranoia kicks in

He doesn't love you
He doesn't want you
You're a reject
No one loves you
You'll die alone

My heart aches
As this echos
Over and
OVer and
OVEr and
OVER and
OVER

I can't push it down
I can't push it away
I can't pretend it's not there
I can't pretend it's not real

It's so real
It's so difficult
It's so....

hard

I want to be *normal

I want to be in control
I want to be sane

But that's too much to ask
Because even medicine can't control me
My anxiety is too high
My paranoia is too much
I just have to face the music

I'll forever be insane
I'll forever be unstable
I'll forever be paranoid
It keeps saving really weird. I tried to fix it but it doesn't seem to want to save correctly.
Monica May 2018
Im sorry i push
Im sorry i build walls
Im sorry i snap
Im sorry my moods swing

Everything is blown up
Everything is warped
Everything is twisted
A small problem to you
Is a tower ready to crush me

You wont understand
I know that
But dont get frustrated
Because i know

I know im being ridiculous
I know im being illogical
I know im being dramatic
I know im being exaggerated

I know

Yet i cant help it
Im trying like hell
Im working really hard
Im fighting through it
Im working on chipping at the tower
So it doesnt crush me

Normal things to you
Like school and work and a social life
It blurs together for me
It molds and warps into an ocean
An ocean of rough seas and deep water

In the simplest problem
I drown
I sink to the bottom like a stone is at my ankle

I sink so deep that i can barely see the surface
The end or solution of the problem is only visable through moving water
So i cant tell
I cant see
I can't focus

When i concentrate really hard
I can see it
I know how to fix it
I know what to do
But then it gets blurry again
The waves wash over me once more
And im alone
Drowning in the depths of anxiety
Completely alone because no one can hear me cry
No one can feel the burn in my lungs as i gasp for air
No one can hear the muddled and clustered thoughts that crash in my head

Im drowning
Im drowning and i know how to fix it
But its really hard for me
You say its simple
But to me, its not
Its like swimming in a rough ocean
With a rock tied to my ankle

So im sorry
Im sorry im not strong
Im sorry i exaggerate
Im sorry i dramatize
Im sorry im over the top
Im sorry i cant fix it
Im sorry im not good at this
Im sorry i havent gotten it quite

Im working on it
Im fighting
Im swimming
Im climbing
Im doing whatever it takes to be on top with you
Because i love you
And I want to be with you
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