chasing suns May 7
the only sound
i seem to hear
is the rumbling thunder
and heavy rain
inside my head.

the only sight
i seem to see
is a gloomy grey
and dark clouds.

then you show up
and my heart becomes lighter.

'the dark times of being alone
are over.
the sadness
and the anger
that you feel
do not define you.
they never have.

you are not alone anymore.
never again.

i will walk with you
and i will love you
enough for the both of us
even after
you've learned
to love yourself.'

you said to me
at ungodly hours of the night
when everyone else
was sound asleep.
―a list of things i don't deserve: love, happiness, comfort, and you.
chasing suns Dec 2017
“all i can write is despair”

you want to stop but you can’t
everybody is watching you

watching, waiting
waiting, watching

“i’m looking for myself”

you’re alone
drowning in a sea of eyes
listening to
whispering winds of judgement

“i can’t find myself”

this desert you own
is filling with tears

tears become streams
streams become oceans

“i’m drowning”

everything is falling apart
you can do whatever you want

“i want to die”

your oceans turn red
your skies become black
the winds chant a mantra

everyone hates you. you’ve always been useless. you aren’t meant to be alive. please just die.

“i want to die”

you promised you’d be happier

“i am a mess”

are you?
—it all comes in phases
chasing suns Dec 2017
“love is”

it was supposed to be
an arrow through my chest.

instead it’s
an asteroid destroying a planet,
demolishing all foundations.

i’m sick of it.

“pining for attention,”

wishing for
i don’t want your attention.
i won’t look at you,
so don’t look at me.

i’m sick of it.

“feverish faces,”

you talk to me
and i’m burning.
liquid fire pumps
through my veins,
and it’s unbearable.

i’m sick of it.

“and drumming hearts.”

racing pulse,
left breathless,
drowning in a salty ocean,
lungs filling with liquid.

i’m sick of it.

this world was

boxed in a bedroom,
listening to stories
of other people,
but you’ve brought
unfamiliarity into this
dull world of mine.

the sun was never yellow,
the trees were never green,
pink was never a feeling.

this world was
and white.

put everything
back to normal.

because i’m sick
of being
—love is a disease i'm not ready to experience alone
chasing suns Oct 2017
my arms are burning.

there are invisible ants
devouring my skin
and thorns
piercing my body

a stream of liquid rose petals
floods down my hands
drips from my fingertips
trickles to the floor!

it is the only thing

and i’m addicted
i’m addicted addicted addicted—

My body is filled with ROSES.

Bite my tongue
Carve my skin
Tear off every layer
Pierce my heart
Cut off my neck
Impale my head

Let rose petals spill from me while I watch.
—“they love me, they love me not,” i whisper
chasing suns Oct 2017
i see the world
through a screen.

i sit with my friends
but i am nowhere near them.

i sit with my family
and i am as far away
as i can be.

it is incredibly lonely.

but i don’t want to hurt anymore.
—i’ll just pretend to be nearby
chasing suns Oct 2017
i stare at the mirror
and there is
no reflection.

instead i see
            (every horrible memory)
flashes of crimson
waves of salty streams
piercing sounds

i see a whimper
a sob
blood dripping
tears falling

and i realize
it is my reflection.
—i can't stand to look at myself
chasing suns Oct 2017
i can't bring myself
to forget about you
and i hate it.

because there are people
who love me genuinely
and care for me
with all of their heart.

they are the people
who should be swimming
through my thoughts
and bring gentle smiles
to my lips.

but instead,
it is you.

you fill my head
with a sticky,
inky darkness.

my vision is crimson,
and all i hear
is a piercing ring.

my lips are
always curled
into a scowl.

my lungs are
filled with cement
and it weighs me down.

i hate you.

i hate thinking of you.

you are the reason
i cannot give my heart
to people who love me.

my heart is lost
even to myself
because you
turned it to dust.

i can only hope
that some day
someone will do
the same thing you did
to me.

then maybe

just maybe

you'll be sorry.
—hidden beneath my yearning for you is how much i hate you
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