nowadays
i see the world
through a screen.

i sit with my friends
but i am nowhere near them.

i sit with my family
and i am as far away
as i can be.

it is incredibly lonely.

but i don’t want to hurt anymore.

—i’ll just pretend to be nearby

i stare at the mirror
and there is
no reflection.

instead i see
            (every horrible memory)
flashes of crimson
waves of salty streams
piercing sounds
darkness
silence
darkness
gasps
darkness

i see a whimper
a sob
blood dripping
tears falling

and i realize
it is my reflection.

—i can't stand to look at myself

i can't bring myself
to forget about you
and i hate it.

because there are people
who love me genuinely
and care for me
with all of their heart.

they are the people
who should be swimming
through my thoughts
and bring gentle smiles
to my lips.

but instead,
it is you.

you fill my head
with a sticky,
inky darkness.

my vision is crimson,
and all i hear
is a piercing ring.

my lips are
always curled
into a scowl.

my lungs are
filled with cement
and it weighs me down.

i hate you.

i hate thinking of you.

you are the reason
i cannot give my heart
to people who love me.

my heart is lost
even to myself
because you
turned it to dust.

i can only hope
that some day
someone will do
the same thing you did
to me.

then maybe

just maybe

you'll be sorry.

—hidden beneath my yearning for you is how much i hate you

smiles,
laughter,
friends,
and family—

they are grateful
that they are surrounded by people
who love them.

but

in their head
they chant like a mantra

i want to die
i want to die
i want to die

they are so unhappy
but no one is watching.

in the story of their life,
they have never once been
the main character

—it's okay, the story is almost over anyway

i stand on the farthest planet
there is a broken telescope in my hands.
and i lift it to my eyes
hoping to see you again

—it's too dark to find you

a heavy heartbeat
pushes against weak lungs,
creating a rhythm filled only with
fear,
sadness,
and anger
all at once.

trembling hands
press against anxious thighs
hoping to hide from the rest of the world.

it becomes harder to breathe,
harder to see,
harder to hear—

to ask for help,
though it is something i need,
it is not something i want.

my vision is blurry now.

i stare down at my hands,
hiding my face with the hair
that cascades along my shoulders—

the world outside is happy,
rotating at a fast pace
without a single care.

they say time stops for nobody,
it waits for no one,
and will continue on whether or not
you want it to.

in this case,
i desperately wait for time to stop,
for everything to go black.

everyone feels just as far away
as i remember.

only now
i, too, am far away
from myself.

and both figures of me
are nowhere near the others.

we do not reach out,
we do not scream,
we only cry
and hope that time
runs out faster.

until the day arrives,
when our clock
finally reaches
zero.

—still watching time pass us by

you have brought
my sweetest nightmares to life.

the day i have been waiting for
is finally here,
and i know i should be joyful,
ecstatic, even.

you’re no longer in my life,
as far away from me as possible—
now you can be happy.

(i know what i’m like
and i know you
were never happy with me.)

however,
you made up most of my routine
and i was never one for change
but suddenly you’re gone
and i don’t exist.

(i’m selfishly hoping you’ll come back.)

as i open my eyes with a gasp
i realize,
you are really gone now
and this is not
just a bad dream.

(at least when i see you
from far away
you are finally smiling.)

—i can't write what i think i feel when all i think of is you, you, you
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