supposedly,
“love is”

it was supposed to be
an arrow through my chest.

instead it’s
an asteroid destroying a planet,
merciless,
demolishing all foundations.

i’m sick of it.


“pining for attention,”

wishing for
invisibility.
i don’t want your attention.
i won’t look at you,
so don’t look at me.

i’m sick of it.


“feverish faces,”

you talk to me
and i’m burning.
liquid fire pumps
through my veins,
and it’s unbearable.

i’m sick of it.


“and drumming hearts.”

screaming,
racing pulse,
left breathless,
drowning in a salty ocean,
lungs filling with liquid.

i’m sick of it.

this world was
fine.

boxed in a bedroom,
listening to stories
of other people,
but you’ve brought
unfamiliarity into this
dull world of mine.

the sun was never yellow,
the trees were never green,
pink was never a feeling.

this world was
grey,
black,
and white.

put everything
back to normal.

because i’m sick
of being
lovesick.

—love is a disease i'm not ready to experience alone

my arms are burning.

there are invisible ants
devouring my skin
and thorns
piercing my body

a stream of liquid rose petals
floods down my hands
drips from my fingertips
trickles to the floor!

it is the only thing
I
FEEL

and i’m addicted
i’m addicted addicted addicted—

My body is filled with ROSES.

Bite my tongue
Carve my skin
Tear off every layer
Pierce my heart
Cut off my neck
Impale my head

Let rose petals spill from me while I watch.

—“they love me, they love me not,” i whisper

nowadays
i see the world
through a screen.

i sit with my friends
but i am nowhere near them.

i sit with my family
and i am as far away
as i can be.

it is incredibly lonely.

but i don’t want to hurt anymore.

—i’ll just pretend to be nearby

i stare at the mirror
and there is
no reflection.

instead i see
            (every horrible memory)
flashes of crimson
waves of salty streams
piercing sounds
darkness
silence
darkness
gasps
darkness

i see a whimper
a sob
blood dripping
tears falling

and i realize
it is my reflection.

—i can't stand to look at myself

i can't bring myself
to forget about you
and i hate it.

because there are people
who love me genuinely
and care for me
with all of their heart.

they are the people
who should be swimming
through my thoughts
and bring gentle smiles
to my lips.

but instead,
it is you.

you fill my head
with a sticky,
inky darkness.

my vision is crimson,
and all i hear
is a piercing ring.

my lips are
always curled
into a scowl.

my lungs are
filled with cement
and it weighs me down.

i hate you.

i hate thinking of you.

you are the reason
i cannot give my heart
to people who love me.

my heart is lost
even to myself
because you
turned it to dust.

i can only hope
that some day
someone will do
the same thing you did
to me.

then maybe

just maybe

you'll be sorry.

—hidden beneath my yearning for you is how much i hate you

smiles,
laughter,
friends,
and family—

they are grateful
that they are surrounded by people
who love them.

but

in their head
they chant like a mantra

i want to die
i want to die
i want to die

they are so unhappy
but no one is watching.

in the story of their life,
they have never once been
the main character

—it's okay, the story is almost over anyway

i stand on the farthest planet
there is a broken telescope in my hands.
and i lift it to my eyes
hoping to see you again

—it's too dark to find you
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