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Apr 2020 · 197
Maybe If I Leave
Maddy Kay Apr 2020
Then my mom will no longer have to tell me to shut up every time I sing.
Then I will no longer love my best friend when she doesn't love me the same.
Then I won't constantly have to go back to my mental place of 3 years old.
Then I won't have to feel annoying to everyone.
Then I won't bother my sister anymore.
Then I won't feel like I don't have to depend on anyone to help me out of this place.
Then my biological father wouldn't have to feel forced to talk to me.
Then I wouldn't make my mother angry.
Then I wouldn't feel the pain in my chest every time I get anxious.
Then I wouldn't feel like I need to keep pushing further to find a relief.
Mar 2020 · 240
Back to Square One
Maddy Kay Mar 2020
And just like that you chose to love another instead of me.
Feb 2020 · 228
The Road to Recovery
Maddy Kay Feb 2020
As I sit in my mother's room writing this piece,
I wonder to myself,
"Do I keep fighting? Do I just tell her how sad I am? Or do I keep my emotions to myself?"
With the questions in my mind, a headache at hand, and deep sorrow in my heart,
There is only one decision left to make;

As I fend off of the courage that is thrown at me,
I fight the voices away telling me to stay on the ground,
To just be alone forever and to just keep quiet,
I do the possible and get up;

I walk to her and just look her in the eyes and I give in,
I break down in front of her for the first time in 2 1/2 years,
The first time I'd cry in front of her since my first love broke it off with me,
The first time since I felt somewhat safe around her again;

She would ask what was wrong and when I wouldn't answer she would hug me,
Hug me until I couldn't tell her what was wrong to her face,
She would bring me to a place where no one else could bother us so that we could talk,
She would be the first to listen to what I had to keep to myself after all of this time;

When I would be done, my lips would quiver and my eyes would be red from tears,
My heart would be beating faster than a race horse fighting it's way to first place,
My head hurting from crying too much,
My mind racing at what she would say;

She would just stand there and listen to everything,
Everything that I had been mentally saying for the past 2 1/2 years,
Everything that was not right with me,
Everything that should have been said in the first place;

She would hug me and tell me everything would be alright,
She would tell the other kids to leave me alone for the rest of the night so that I can think about things,
She would leave for a bit to get food for the hungry tummies that were hyper from being cooped up inside from the winter weather,
She would return with the same love she felt for me when she first had me as her firstborn child;

I would finally feel at ease with the world for that moment,
I would finally be able to be honest with her for the first time in what felt like forever,
I would finally be able to be happy,
I would finally be able to find my true self after all of the terrible things that no one would be able to even think about;

There is a light at the end of the tunnel for everyone,
Though it may take you years to see it,
You will get there eventually,
And though you might know my story;

Mine is just an example of how far you can go from being the worse kid to handle with,
To the most remarkable teenager that no one can stand to be without.
Even though no one besides those closest to me know my story, I have come far from where I begin in my life. I have been heartbroken, beaten down to the core of my soul, and I have fought off many battles that have put me through so much to the point that I didn't think I could handle anything anymore. But I have found safety in those that have loved and cared for me since the beginning even when I thought they had given up on me.
Jan 2020 · 268
1 am
Maddy Kay Jan 2020
As I sit in my bedroom,
I wonder if you truly want me in your life or if you just feel bad for me.
Jan 2020 · 1.2k
Almost A Year Later
Maddy Kay Jan 2020
September 21, 2018.
We met that night all because of your boyfriend's idiocy.
February 2019.
You and him have broken up because he couldn't quit being a ****.
I start to question if I like you or not while staying the night at my friend's house.
March 2019.
You and your new boyfriend get together.
We have not met entirely still.
April 17, 2019.
We start talking officially as friends.
April 19, 2019.
We confess our feelings towards each other.
April 26, 2019.
You're still confused on what to do between your boyfriend and me.
May 5, 2019.
You broke up with your boyfriend and chose her over me.
May 6, 2019.
You tell me that you are choosing her.
May 7, 2019.
You two date.
There is nothing I can do but be heartbroken.
May 16, 2019.
We declared our best friend status.
May 18, 2019.
I write you a letter that you will never see.
May 20, 2019.
I spend the night at your house and things still aren't better.
May 21-24, 2019.
We had those four days together at camp all while your girlfriend would get jealous anytime I spoke to you alone.
June 15, 2019.
I spent a couple of hours at the pool with you and Abby and got to see you for the first time in a while.
June 24, 2019.
We had our first major fight and didn't speak for four days.
June 28, 2019.
You apologized for trying to control who I was speaking to.
July 2019.
We would fight constantly and go back to speaking to each other.
But during Band Camp we would try working it out.
July 26, 2019.
Your mom banned you from ever speaking to me ever again.
We cried for two hours straight and spent that last time together at Stepping Out.
August 2019.
We got into it again.
I chose someone to help me cope with your disappearance.
We tried becoming friends as soon as school started but it did not work out.
September 2019.
You hated me and I hated myself for it.
October 2019.
We kept trying but you would keep away from me.
November 2019.
We became best friends again and got closer than ever.
November 23, 2019.
I break you the news that I am moving.
November 29, 2019.
The day I say my "final goodbyes".
December 2, 2019.
I surprise you for your birthday with me not having to leave.
December 6, 2019.
We say our final goodbyes in person.
December 7, 2019.
I leave Republic forevermore.
December 26, 2019.
I say something to you that caused your girlfriend, you, and I to fight again.
I don't talk to anyone for a week.
I get into a car wreck.
December 30, 2019.
You cry to your girlfriend about how much you miss me and message me but I don't see it.
January 2, 2020.
I decide to talk to you again.
January 7, 2020.
I start a new school and you wish me the best.
January 20, 2020.
Here we are almost a year later.
Still my best friend and our journey is only going to get more complicated.
But that's okay because we will always have each other.
This is mine and my best friend's rocky journey, but we still are here and stronger than ever. Throughout all of the heartaches and fighting and constant bullying each other, we love each other.
Chas, if you read this. I love you. So so much. You're all I have from that nothing-of-a-town.
Oct 2018 · 3.1k
Maddy Kay Oct 2018
Normal -
What a powerful word.
It’s something we expect to happen for everything.
It’s something we all have wanted to be.
Something we wish we were.

But it’s not that simple,
Now is it?
Because normal means you have to go by society’s standards of what “normal” is.
But what is the use?
Why even try?

Because no matter what,
No one is going to meet society’s standards of what this term means.
Now, you will only meet those standards when a powerful authority tells you.
For example, President Donald Trump.
He expects us to be normal by building a wall and not allowing immigrants inside this country.

Or how about this?
He says he accepts the LGBTQ+ community,
But you know he says that just so that he could get votes.
And what about this?
He sexually harasses women no matter what they say.

Why do we want to be this way?
Why does everyone want to fit in?
To be accepted?
To feel appreciated?
To want to feel something?

It starts in our childhood.
Elementary school starts and we make friends.
We talk to girls and boys our age,
Start to figure out how we should dress,
How we should act.

Then, we hit our pre-teen year.
Middle school hits us like a glove impacted by a baseball.
We start to figure out who we hang out with,
What phases we go through,
And what we should say.

Finally, we become teenagers.
High school feels like we get beaten by a bat.
We find out who our true friends are,
Find out what is good for us,
What we identify with.

But it doesn’t end there.
We go into adulthood and face reality.
And it ***** because we don't know what to do.
Who we should talk to.
What we should talk about.

Think about it.
We go through so much stuff to fit in.
To feel needed.
To feel wanted.
To feel normal.

Think back to the high school days.
Remember how it was normal for cheerleaders and football players to date?
How it was normal for the nerds to always be in the library?
How it was normal for the blonde that ran things to bully the girl with glasses and braces?
How normal it was for the gay kids to be called “****”?

Why is it okay for the kids with disabilities to feel left out?
Why is it okay for small kids to be shoved into lockers?
Why is it okay for guys to wear volleyball shorts and do ******-like moves,
But girls get in trouble for it?
Does this make sense at all?

When girls were young,
They were taught that it was wrong to bully.
They were taught that they should wear makeup and wear dresses.
They were taught that it was not okay to act like boys.
They were taught that they were going to become what their parents wanted them to be.

When boys were young,
They were taught that they should always act like a gentleman.
They were taught to wear tuxedos and gel their hair.
They were taught to never hit a girl.
They were taught that it was okay to get into fights.

Girls nowadays starve themselves to look perfect.
They get lip and breast injections.
They put on makeup that nobody recognizes them in.
They wear tight clothes to look skinnier.
They show off their body to look presentable.

Guys nowadays act like they are tough.
They hit the gym a lot to look perfect.
They take pills to feel better.
They rely on money to give them everything.
They do stupid things to get popular.

The cheerleader that was always nice to you?
She is dealing with abuse at home.
The popular blonde girl that picked on you?
She is cutting herself and popping pills to feel better.
That’s not all though.

The nerd that hangs out in the library all the time?
He was born with ADHD and he doesn’t want to be a burden to anyone.
The gay guy that gets called “***” all the time?
He is having problems with his boyfriend that he loves.
That’s not even the beginning of it.

We call each other names,
We say things that we don’t mean,
We give people looks,
We go through phases,
We do things to get attention.

We wear things to express how we are feeling,
We think about what people will think of us,
We listen to songs that we relate to,
We join things that make us feel good,
We hang out with people that give us good vibes.

But behind every smile is a frown.
Behind every layer of makeup is insecurity.
Behind every glance is worryment.
Behind every pair of sunglasses is sadness.
And behind every spoken word is fear.

Behind every song we listen to,
Has a special meaning to it.
Behind every poem we read,
Makes us think of our feelings.
And we what we fear.

Trying to be “normal” in today’s world,
Is like committing suicide to your old self.
Trying to be “normal” in everyone’s eyes,
Is like you are trying to become your own ******.
But why?

Trying to be “normal” for society,
Is like being stabbed to the back by the person you love the most.
Trying to be “normal” for popularity,
Is like a Great White taking a chunk of you.
What for?

We destroy the very core of us.
We take out what makes us important.
We add things to ourselves that we wouldn’t normally do.
We say things that we wouldn’t normally say.
What is the reason for this?

Guys catcall girls.
And they take it personally.
They take it into consideration.
They want to look better.
All they want is to feel like guys want them.

Girls judge guys on how they look.
They get shocked by it.
Their confidence goes down.
They dress better to impress.
All they want is to feel like girls them.

We are so focused on what others think of us,
That we give up on the fact that our own opinion matters.
We soak up every comment,
Every criticized term.
That we drown in the judgment.

To the ones that no longer care,
To the ones that block all the hate,
To the ones that ignore the judges,
To the ones that help spread kindness,
Keep doing it.

To the ones that criticize,
To the ones that judge,
To the ones that give ***** looks,
To the ones that make snarky comments,
Stop what you’re doing.

Do you see the pattern here?
How the mean people get recognized for doing something “good” in society’s eyes.
How the kindest people get ignored with every plea.
How it’s okay for us to do stupid things to get noticed?
Nothing is better than feeling accepted.

But being accepted is a privilege.
It’s not about what you want to see yourself to do.
You have judgmental parents for that.
It’s not about what you want yourself to become.
You have your parents to tell you what you will become.

But being accepted is a privilege.
It’s not about what you want to see yourself to do.
You have judgmental parents for that.
It’s not about what you want yourself to become.
You have your parents to tell you what you will become.

We live by rules and expectations.
Because if we don't,
We will get disowned by the people we trust the most.
Because if we don’t,
We will be seen as not worthy enough to feel good about ourselves.

But if we take the time to look at everything,
To realize that we don’t need to follow expectations,
To know we are worthy,
To see that we are loved for who we are.
One day, we will finally realize that we don’t need society’s expectations.

Elementary school girls are so worried about who will like them.
One day, elementary school girls will realize that they will gain friendships.
Elementary school boys are so focused on being tough.
One day, elementary school boys will realize that it is okay to be a gentleman.
Hopefully, it will happen.

Middle school girls are so worried about the size of their friend group.
One day, middle school girls will realize that popularity will not matter.
Middle school boys are so focused on getting a girlfriend.
One day, middle school boys will realize that girls will like them for who they are.
Possibly it will happen.

High school girls are so worried about the names they will get called.
One day, high school girls will realize that rumors are too stupid to be focused on.
High school boys are so focused on being perfect.
One day, high school boys will realize that it’s okay to be yourself.
Maybe it will happen.

Being normal is so pointless.
But yet, everyone takes it so seriously.
No one wants to stand out.
No one wants to feel different than everyone else.
We just go along with it.

Hopefully one day,
On a day that is just normal,
We will realize what we are doing to ourselves.
We will realize that we don’t need a set of rules to live by.
We will finally want the need to stand out amongst everything that is perfect.

As Brad Pitt once said,
“Stop being perfect,
because being obsessed over
being perfect stops you
from growing”.

So why don’t we just stand up for ourselves?
On what we want to do.
On what we want to look like.
On how we want to act.
Because as soon as we do that.

We will be free.
If you can't tell, this poem is about how we should not have to live by society's expectations in order to feel wanted.
Aug 2018 · 5.2k
New & Improved
Maddy Kay Aug 2018
It's almost been one year since we began talking,
Since we said, "Hello" for the very first time;
And that is okay because we went out and we had a good thing going,
But on December 6th,
we were split up;

We didn't talk for months on end,
No, not until April 20th;
When you finally realized that I was not going anywhere,
And we both realized that we could no longer go on fighting;

Even after we started talking,
I disappeared for a week,
scaring everyone;
When I got back,
the first thing I did was come looking for you
to apologize for everything that happened;

I put the blame on you,
and we didn't really talk again until July 28th;
When I put something about abortion on my Instagram story,
and I tagged you in it;

You were confused on why I did that,
I was freaking out about your reaction;
Once I explained what it was about,
We then had a four-hour conversation;

It started at 10 pm and ended at 2 am,
The longest we ever talked since December 6th;
And from that moment on,
We became better friends;

A friendship that once was something more,
Something that turned out not to be quite right;
Something that turned out not to work out,
Turned out that we just needed to work things out;

Two people who tried to be something great,
Wanted something different;
Would finally realize later on,
That it would be better if they were
new and improved;
if you can't tell from what this poem is about, it is about my ex and I finally became friends after realizing that they were never meant to be in love with each other.
Jan 2018 · 1.5k
What I Felt on December 6th
Maddy Kay Jan 2018
The day we broke up,
I thought you would just be mad at me,
And then you would help me with whatever I was going through,

Were you scared,
Were you worried that I would cross a thin line of skin and blood,
Why did you break up with me when I needed you the most,

You knew I needed you,
But you left me in the dark,
Did you not think about how bad I would feel,

Apparently, I was wrong,
You were right,
You aren't like anyone else,

Because you knew I would do anything for you,
You knew I would help you through any and every situation you dealt with,

It makes me so angry that the person I needed the most on December 6th would walk out on me,

So like I said before,
Were you scared,
Or did you just not want me anymore?
This is a poem about how I felt on December 6th of 2017,
I never got an answer to why she broke up with me until one of my best friends talked to her,
She was planning to break up with me after our one month anyways...
Guess it was a good opportunity to break up with me...
Jan 2018 · 1.0k
Feelings at The Moment...
Maddy Kay Jan 2018
I said goodbye a long time ago,
But I can never seem to keep you off my mind,
What have you done to me,
How do I still feel this way,
What spell have casted upon me,
To cause me to think of you more,
You made me laugh,
You made me cry,
You stole my heart,
And then you threw it away,
Those memories I still have come back,
They appear out of nowhere within reach,
Why do I still feel this way,
How do I still want you,
I moved on,
But I guess my heart didn't
My sisters miss you talking to them,
I still long to talk to you,
I still wait for this sadness to overcome me,
I wish I could know how to talk to you,
I wish I could know what you think of me know,
But all I know is that you want nothing to do with me,
So, if you're willing,
Maybe another chance;
Nov 2017 · 1.5k
There's Not A Day...
Maddy Kay Nov 2017
One day, I'm just an unextraordinary flag girl,
The next, I meet a redhead;

Who knew that I would soon find my one true love,
And why else would I think differently;

She came into my world, out of nowhere,
But there's not enough said;

Maybe I'm wrong,
But I am for sure crazy;

I wish I would have known her sooner,
But she looks pretty cute in her uniform and with her mellophone;

I have a short, curvy body,
She has big gorgeous green eyes;

I'm always sad and depressed,
But I can always talk to her through email or cellphone;

We both get angry or sad,
But I'm the one who sheds the most tears, sometimes wishing I could die;

Little gifts that make each other happy.
And sometimes say things we find sad;

Each day that we spend together,
Makes me glad I'm alive;

There's not one single day,
I wish I was in her arms;

And we want to do and say things that mean something good,
But as long as we're together, we will continue to strive;
Nov 2017 · 2.0k
Maddy Kay Nov 2017
Your fire red hair and freckles that cover your pale body;

Your soft, sweet kisses that you place upon my cheek and lips;

Your hugs that warm me up when I'm sad or upset;

Your big beautiful eyes that I could get lost in just staring at them;

The tears that stroll down my face when I'm not with you;

The passion I feel when cuddling, snuggling, or falling asleep with you;

Every time you compliment me, or give me kisses, I blush;

The pain I feel, or the darkness I go into when I feel alone;

Every color that I have written down,
Reminds me of why I have fallen in love with you.
You are my "Happily Ever After",
My favorite part of each day,
And my sunshine to my cloudy and rainy days;
Nov 2017 · 1.5k
What I Wish
Maddy Kay Nov 2017
I wish that we had more time together...
I wish that our parents weren't so strict...
I wish I would have known you before our first competition...
I wish that we had more than one class together...
I wish that were already out of school so that we could spend a lot of our time together...
I wish you could understand that I want to spend all of my time with you...
I wish you would understand that I want to have good memories with you...
I wish I could understand how you feel...
I wish I could understand what you want from me...
But most of all...
I wish to want to have some of my "firsts" with you...
Even if you don't agree, you're the first person I have felt this way about someone in a LONG time...
You are the very first person I can allow to trust in a long time...
Because, if you don't feel the same, I understand, but I want to know how you feel,
I want to know you love,
I want to know that you care...
Because I love you, even if you don't realize that...
Because I love you...
Even if you don't feel the same way...
Nov 2017 · 1.4k
Maddy Kay Nov 2017
Every minute that passes by, feels like seconds,
And every day that we aren't together, feels like years,
So tell me why,
That I have this strange feeling that I might lose you?
Everyday we are together at school just doesn't feel like enough time for us to be with each other,
It hurts to know that you are the reason I cry all of the time,
But you are also the reason why I laugh all of the time,
So for you I will stay as long as you want me to,
And in the end, I just hope that we will never be through;
Nov 2017 · 1.2k
I, Me, & We...
Maddy Kay Nov 2017
You are someone I can trust,
You are someone I can be comfortable with,
You are someone I can tell anything to,
You are someone I'm glad to be with;

I am someone who appreciates you,
I am someone who doesn't care what anyone thinks about us,
I am someone that will do anything for you,
I am someone who is proud of us;

We are people who were meant to be,
We are people who are in love with each other,
We are people who love each other's touch,
We are people who cannot stand to be without each other;

I am in love with my girlfriend...
And everything about her,
And what she does...
Nov 2017 · 1.3k
Here's a Thought...
Maddy Kay Nov 2017
God, i wish you were here,  so that I could give you hugs and kisses...
I just wish that we weren't so broken on the inside...
People and memories just make us broken on the inside and outside...
That's why I am depressed... on the inside and outside...
And even though you are happy on the outside, you are just using the happiness as an excuse to cover up the sadness on the inside...
You and me...
We may act different, but we are somehow the same...
But how about this...
Why don't we just be the broken couple together...
You can be the shoulder I cry on, and I'll be the bandages to your wounds on the inside...
If that makes sense...
Me and my girlfriend are both broken on the inside, but that's how we get through day-by-day in our relationship
Nov 2017 · 1.3k
Realizing Something...
Maddy Kay Nov 2017
After realizing that we couldn't even go a DAY without hugging and kissing...
That's when we finally realized that we CANNOT live without each other...
And that's a good sign, because that means we are PERFECT for each other...
And being perfect for each other doesn't mean that we have to fake like/love each other...
No, it just means that we can be ourselves, without a care in the world...
And when that happens, we finally realize that we CANNOT stand to be without each other...
And THAT is when I finally realized that I had finally found my "Happily Ever After"...
This is my first poem I have EVER published, so please give me a break... This poem is for my beautiful girlfriend...

— The End —