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Feb 2021 · 39
10 Days
Simplified Feb 2021
10 days was all it took
To plan the way I'd go

One last kiss to those I love,
Made sure they didn't know

I laughed, I smiled, I cooked, I cleaned
While my soul was softly weeping

Cause even in those memories made
All joyful moments were fleeting.

And on the day where time was up
I finished at my workplace

I said goodbye, I kissed my sis
And smiled down at her face

I got in my car and turned it on
with knowledge I wouldn't return

And as a tear slid down my face
My stomach began to churn.
This was written in March 2019. And 10 days later, i had a failed suicide attempt. And boy am i glad i failed. Much love to you all.
Feb 2021 · 33
Hold on
Simplified Feb 2021
Hold on dear girl hold on
For this too, shall pass
The morning soon will come
And night time will not last.

This darkness with no light
Is simply a shift in wind
And if you just hold on
You'll see the darkness end

This pit you feel you're in
So dark and so deep
Can be changed into a safe place
A place for you to weep

There isnt a NEED for strength
You don't HAVE TO fake the smile
Some days are just exhausting
Some walks just feel like miles.

Hold on, my dear hold on
Take refuge in the truth
In a book that holds the answers
In a verse that helps to soothe

With each day that you feel weary
In each time that you lose hope
Know that you are not alone
There is 'HE'to help you cope

You have so much left to offer
You have so much still to add
So don't give in to darkness
Dont let yourself stay sad

He has a greater plan
A plan to bring him glory
A plan that you're a part of
A chance to share your story

So hold on sweet girl hold on
Stay to see his plan
Know that you are loved
Know with 'HIM' you CAN!
Feb 2021 · 44
I'm Tired
Simplified Feb 2021
I'm tired, oh Lord, so tired
This prayer is nothing new
This prayer is a broken record
And no surprise to you

My eyes are heavy Lord
They are weighted with my soul
My vision is still blurry
It's begun to take a toal

My breath is labored Lord
Exhaustion has a sting
Its hard to cling to hope
Of what tomorrow will bring

My arms are tired Lord
I have bruises from my fight
This enemy I cannot see
Has a grip on me so tight

My legs are weak Lord
They scream at me to stop
They warn me they are shaking
I feel my body drop

My mind is blurred Lord
So little now seems clear
Logic still evades me
And all I feel is fear

My lips are trembling Lord
They wont let out my pain
My screaming has no voice
My attempts are made in vain

My heart is breaking Lord
Each day I feel it crack
Im reminded of my failures
And all the strength I lack

My soul is weary Lord
So again I'll turn to You
And pray that in your arms
I'll feel my strength renew
May 2018 · 816
"Do this" they said
Simplified May 2018
Draw it they said, let it all out.
So I gave that a go and I drew what I felt.

But they didn't see.

Sing it they said, make it a song.
So I sang them a tune to describe what was wrong.

But they didn't hear.

Say it they said, make it a play.
but when I tried that they just looked away.

They weren't watching.

Write it they said, share us your story.
So I wrote them a novel that didn't have glory.

But they didn't read it.

Why are you sad? Are you in pain?
They ask me again as I struggle in vain.

Am I really here?
All the suggestions on how to help....
May 2017 · 213
That Guy
Simplified May 2017
Would he be kind?
Would he be sweet?
Would he make me feel special?
Cause that would be neat.

Would he take me out dancing?
Would he kiss me goodnight?
Would he laugh with my family?
That would be a real sight.

Is there really that someone?
Does each soul have a mate?
Could you find your true love,
In a world with such hate?

How would you know?
How could you be sure?
That the person you love,
loves you even more.

They say it is worth it,
all the pain you may feel.
but how can you tell?
If this feeling is real?

There's this fear that lingers,
it won't go away.
of pain and chains,
and tears every day.

Do I want to risk it?
Could I be that strong?
could I live with the agony,
if it went really wrong?

I know it is out there.
that I do see.
but sometimes I wonder
if it's  out there for me.

Love I have seen,
love I have felt
but love that is

I know nothing about.

Would he help guide me?
Shield me from my fears?
Help me climb my mountains?
Wipe away all my tears?
Jul 2015 · 1.1k
Help me find a word....
Simplified Jul 2015
What is a word for this feeling?
For this sinking feeling.
This feeling of dissatisfaction,
That chokes my breath.

Can you tell me a word for this feeling?
For this painful feeling.
This feeling of powerlessness,
In this great wide world.

Is there such a word for this feeling?
For this dizzy feeling.
This feeling of constant spinning,
Where my feet never touch solid ground.

I need a word for this feeling!
For this heavy feeling.
This feeling of hopeless choices,
I can’t make up my mind.

There has to be a word for this feeling!
For this frozen feeling.
This feeling of time flying by,
When my life is numb from the cold.

Will you find me a word for this feeling?
For this defeated feeling.
This feeling of constant failure,
Because I’m too weak to stand.

I shall pursue a word for this feeling.
For this old feeling.
This feeling of quickly ageing,
And not completing a single thing.

I hope I find a word for this feeling.
For this persistent feeling.
This feeling that never leaves me,
Keeping me from sleep.

What is a word for this feeling?
Sep 2014 · 390
Simplified Sep 2014
It scares me
All of it
The thought, the realization
That I cannot control anything
It is killing me, fear
It’s destroying me from the inside out
I lose control over my emotions
And the fear sets in
I lose control over pain
And the fear sets in
I lose control of work
And fear sets in
It deprives me of sleep
And puts me off food
Sometimes it is hard to breathe
Everything puts me close to tears
Because of fear
Not fear of death
I do not fear that
But fear of no control
The losses I will one day have to face
I know they must come eventually
Fear of the pain I will undoubtedly feel each day
Fear of how I will react
Who I will hurt
Where it will take me in life
I know I must trust
And they say not to feel
But I cannot bring myself to do it
It has begun to consume me
I feel as though I am letting Him down
Because I fear
Because I am human
I cannot shake it
And it has begun to choke me
It weighs me down like a heavy blanket
And blocks all light
I cannot see what I can do
I cannot scream because of its hold on me
How do I get through this
Do all others feel this way
Why when I feel this, do I feel so alone
Is He not meant to be there
Am I not meant to feel Him
Why do I feel like this
Why can I not feel this once more
Sep 2014 · 303
Forever Tormented
Simplified Sep 2014
Forever tormented
Never left alone
How can I escape this pain?
And begin to make my own

Sudden attacks of panic
Fruitless attempts to escape
Nothing can stop this battle
This war that leads my fate

Why am I not stronger?
Where is the strength he gave?
Alone in this painful hour
Pointless to be saved

Drifting even farther
Losing all I love
Losing that connection
That I had with Him above

Sinking slowly deeper
Darkness fills my mind
Lightless figures follow
Devouring what they find

I grasp at times of Joy
Attempt to keep it near
But it slips away so quickly
And I’m filled again with fear

When will I be free of it?
When will this darkness leaves?
I’m so tired of this pain
That can change what I believe

Breath does not come easy
Rarely do I sleep
Ghosts that always haunt me
Until I start to weep

Tears that never end
Screams that have no sound
All hidden deep inside me
Fighting to be found

I've lost all motivation
I do not care to eat
My body’s weak and weary
And my words are never neat

But somehow I will make it
Somehow I will survive
Cause though it doesn't seem it
I control my life.
Sep 2014 · 442
Breaking Point
Simplified Sep 2014
Cries that wrack my body
Pillows mask the sound
I've held it in all day
But now I've broken down

The cut has left its mask
My heart is split in two
No longer can I bring myself
To be okay for you

You are not to blame
How could you even see
That while your heart breaks for her
That’s what’s breaking me

I've tried to be a good friend
I've tried to understand
That if I really cared for you
I’d be there till the end

It’s hard to keep my distance
It hurts to stay this near
It hurts that you don’t trust me
With this burden that you bear

Lying in this darkness
Thoughts keep me awake
Think of all these situations
And breaking from the weight

Not knowing what to do
Not knowing what to say
Not knowing how to comfort you
And make it all okay

I feel like I am useless
No good to fix the joint
And really I have come to realize
I've reached my breaking point
Aug 2014 · 262
Simplified Aug 2014
Resisting the urge to yell,
Resisting the urge to scream,
Resisting the urge to tell
I’m breaking at the seam.

Every breath is deep,
Every thought a command,
Every step a leap,
They wouldn't understand.

The shadows always follow,
The voices never stop,
The nonstop feeling hollow
That has me teeter from the top.

Pain that blocks my throat,
Pain that fills my soul,
Pain that seems to gloat,
Has begun to take its toll.

I don’t know where to go,
I don’t know what to do,
I don’t think they should know
That these feelings are not new.

I pray for strength and mercy,
I pray for burdens lifted,
I pray for hope so I can see
The plan that He has gifted.

I feel like I am drowning,
I feel like I am burning,
I feel like I am dying,
And the world is quickly turning.

I wonder if they felt like this,
I wonder what they’d say,
I wonder if they’d notice
If I wasn't there one day.

It’s not that I don’t feel loved,
It’s not that I don’t see,
It’s just that I don’t feel enough
Like I’ll never be quite worthy.
Aug 2014 · 252
Simplified Aug 2014
People fear it
And I suppose at times that is wise
But not this
This, right here, is perfection

There is no light
Not even a splinter of it
Just a tunnel of darkness that swallows my thoughts
Should I fear this?
How can I? It leads the Way

Warmth envelops me
the soft covers radiate with comfort
and I cannot bring myself to move
would I ever want to?
Would anyone ever care?

The melody which plays is like no other
It carries me further deep
Like floating in an oceans water
Deep, dark and sweet
Tears build in my soul

This feeling right now
Is bliss
There is no stress
No thought about the past
No demons to attack

I have no fear
Not right now
Not right here
I don't want it to stop
This feeling

Breathing deep
I taste the cool air
I feel my heart beat
So steady and so strong
Like the drums of war

It gives me hope
In what He has given me
I know I cannot make it on my own
But here I lay
And breath in the Truth

I do not want to sleep
Because when I should wake
The light would take me from this place
And I must face the day
As I have so many others

But in this place
My desires change
The important things in life
Seem insignificant
And strange

Because in here
Everything has changed
And simply being
Seems enough to last
And fill my dreams

Slumber starts to call me
And still I resist
This voice of disappointment
Calling from the light
I begin to fall

These last few moments
I cherish them tight
I focus on the feeling
The warmth, the Life
The lack of light

People fear it
And I suppose at times that is wise
But not this
This, right here, is perfection
Written while in bed.... if you hadn't figured that out lol
Aug 2014 · 364
Simplified Aug 2014
It no longer brings me comfort  
I no longer feel it's warmth
It instead infects my mind
And darkens all my thoughts

I fight it's every calling
I deny it's every sign
For when the darkness takes me
The demons take my mind

They laugh at all my dreams
They show me all my fears
And never do they leave me
Until I'm brought to tears

It used to be my solace
My one true place of peace
But now it is my weakness
That makes me fear to sleep

The warmth has disappeared
And cold runs down my spine
I hear the voices calling
As they enter one more time

I pray for strength and armour
For a chance to sleep right through
Cause empty nights are rare to me
And the visions never new

I delay as long as possible
Denying what will come
And as my eyelids begin to drop
I brace for the war of one

I know I should not fear it
It cannot bring me harm
But every night it tears at me
Until I come undone

Why Lord do I see this
Why would you allow
For these things to enter me
And haunt me with such power?  

Can I not have peace once more
Can I not have sleep
Can I please feel it's warmth
And find solace in the deep

— The End —