Minute by minute
hour by hour
the angry swells so heavy
I'm about to pass out
and i want to never wake up.
Lost and confused trying to find myself again
So I pick up a pen and spill the ink
Black is what I see and what I bleed
Joy is a mystery that I can't seem to grasp
losing hope and faith
is it you or is it me?
Was this even meant to be?
You stole my identity and said you were my friend.
Ripped out of my arms, whispering goodbye.
And the hole widens with anger and spite.
Why doesn't this feel right?
This was suppose to be my chance, my dream!
To show the world that I am enough,
that I'm real and I feel!
This depression and stress, I want it to rest.
I need it to rest.
Why do i keep feeling like I'm not enough?
Is it you or is it me?
God, can you hear me scream?
I don't know what to do, I'm dazed and confused.
Chasing the dragon in the bathroom at work,
my only source of peace, my fake fidelity.
Sticking needles in places scars used to be.
Once healed, now marking its territory.
Again and again, how longer will I bend,
How longer will I need to prove myself?
How much longer will I come second place?
Where is your faith and why do I seek your approval?
I keep blaming you, but is it me?

I woke up from the dream
Where I loved you and you loved me.
A tender kiss, arms wrapped around me,
promising me you'll never leave
Couldn't be your fault, seeing you suffering
When a freezing night chilled me to the bone
I soon realized, I would be alone.
a drink too much, whiskey dancing on your breath
we failed to see the event coming
Taking our cherished promises, made of love,
Our plans and future, to dispose
when your told the truth, the consequences to life,
there was no right there was no wrong,
I could of stopped the disaster, kept hidden from sight
we didn't predict this, nothing seemed right,
i lost my lover being arrested before my eyes
he lost his rights, and tried to fight for his life,
in their sight he committed a crime,
Found guilty, for my voice, my idea, my choice
I'm to blame, when I think of your name i feel shame
but then think to myself, this is what i deserve.
I'm the addict, the guilty one, the one favor, left undone.
4 years, was filled with laughter, is now no longer sometime we are searching after.
I will always remember your touch, your stare, can no longer see,
shows me what can end in fatality,
Because of me, a ruined life. A decision i will always regret, don't deserve to be alive. Losing him to a lie, for that i need to die.
A big mistake, it's clear to see, the damage, done by me.

You can block the past,
and you can block the future,
but you can't block the present.

I think the reason we want it so bad
is because we have a problem with power
because it's a distraction we can control
an escape because we need some kind of change
when we feel stuck in a routine where the result is always the same
feeling bored of no real reward
so we will always want something more

I cry myself to sleep
and when i close my eyes my worries dissipate
for a couple hours
I'm in another reality
but when I wake
the tears flood back to the surface
the first thought on my mind
You
the warmth, embrace,
your lips on my face
Just the way i feel
so i tuck myself underneath
pull the blanket over
and fall back to sleep

Eagerness awaits
for those to come
a dream so bright
like a blister in the sun
yearning for knowledge
for truth
a remedy
alleviate her soul,
lost in infinity

I know you're scared,
you think it's hard,
you're not prepared

The scars remain,
when things aren't the same
anymore then what they used to be,
but the past is the past, believe me

I used to picture something real,
but was blind and ignorant
and came to see,
the truth was make believe and
what matters was being sane,
But for me,
I couldn't believe,
I could survive,
the darkest times,
the hidden clock,
all the treasures stocked inside,
were made of dust,
careless lust,
of words, and choices, my action
things i would never do with real passion
scared of reality and the unknown,
****, I never felt so alone,
in my thoughts, always needing to show,
what i feel of chasing but hiding too ,
what matters to me-
the pain, the bruising,
fights I constantly lose,
tricking my self, lost satisfaction
everything i knew,
was the false version, gave the fire fuse
But still I believed,
needing more than anything,
stability and motivation for more,
was the reason I evened the score,
when i promised I would never be
like you, who took advantage of me,
my body, respect, self-image
i turned against you,
my needs, my wants, and feels
when you pretend to be real,
dreams that you were different,
but really you were just the same,
a clone of lies, i pretended to know,
showing false intentions, the misfire
true desire,
i thought was real, that I was shown,
was fiction, a fairytale,
Like a dream, the darkest crime,
his attraction, to me, to mine
lies, deceit, i hoped weren't real,
were a mask, the fake version of himself,  chosen to feel.
finally shows the black and white, a mistake identity.
selling desire and affection,
an empty promise, love, direction
as you faked you're affection,
You got an ******* off vulnerability, pleasure, pride,
taking advantage of the gain,
In hurting her, he corrupted her mind,
her thoughts of what's inside,
was it his or was it mine?
Fear of rejection, Won't want me, no need, says she
and blocked him, she didn't want to see,
what she thought, wasn't, what she seemed,
The effect, he won in making her fears begin to magnify, she actually scared herself, from herself, how she would react, her hidden thoughts, the secret service the done deed, feeling ashamed of, blaming herself, being a failure, she threatened to cut herself, needing a reason to stay alive, face her fears, needing to battle her life. Arms cut, wanting to die. Worthless, in pain caused by selfish satisfaction. One question, to be alive or to live a lie. Help and take action, or let the unknown be the reaction. For this source of action the opening key needs a honest reaction, the must, the gift of admiration, sheer
compassion.

They say i'm weak
but the truth is
I've been strong for so long
From the outdoors, they see me
Unbreakable and happy
But deep on the inside
I suffer from bottled up pain
Feel as if I'm dying
That I won't be able to make it to the end
That my whole world is falling apart in my own arms
Knowing that all those beautiful words
were really raveled up lies
Coldness takes over me and I'm unsure of survival
Trying to fight the pain with all my might
But all I can do right now is look towards the light

Her anxious legs, her body feels the absence of the last smoke, the last snort.

She preps her shot thinking it will be boss but down the drain she goes.

She'll fight her mind, her body, her spirit, but doesn't know which way to go.

So her body decides, as she's screaming in her mind, let me go, let me go!

She preps the needle with the spoon as her priorities are left in the dust.

Everything ice cold but not that hole in her arm, it's slowly trickling out blood.

Seconds bring instant comfort, relieving her restless body and anxious mind.

She cannot bear the withdrawals that come along dragging her behind.

A sharp spear laced in poison detracting delicate skin to bruises and scars.

Unit, by unit, her shot dissipates and every inch of her eagerly awaits to embrace the rush of the high.

As time slips by, the high subsides and she is dry, all insecurities exposed in bare sight.

Panic..on the search..broke..fiending..stealing..robbing..lost loved ones..manipulation..broken promises..

The curse gets worse. It's meaningless synthetic comfort, the happy juice she can never refuse fills her receptors, a matching piece to fit the puzzle

The feeling can't be beat, a silent stream reminding her in her dreams creeping into the sunrise bursting with a desperate scream.

Worry and panic demands her full focus and the lies and deceit don't stop until fear of not having money has subsided. Begging and crying, playing the victim with no rest until she got her fix.

She's not happy, she feels dead. Synthetic pleasure breeds depression, and she's cannot function on her own, she disregards her responsibilities and continues to fail

Her presence overdue, regularly absent she won't pass, she'll miss out on every opportunity or simply won't care for consequences.

Dope is her only interest, where she pours all her energy and effort, she even proposed to forever be a servant, for what she loves most.

So much aggressive energy to remain living, guilt-tripping her lover into enabling her, she get's what she wants.

Time and time again until she drains his resources, with nothing left to give, he starves.

Confusion blocks her judgment as she believes the sickness is out to get her, but she has exhausted her funds too, tired of depending on her dope dictator, wishing to be free from the physical and psychological deterioration.

Her best friend ****** left her for dead, locked her in a cage kicking and screaming.

How much do you really love me?? Fight for me and score some more the funds to feed the fire, exhausted, not a dollar to my name.

Validate me, i'm what you need. I'll give you hugs and kisses, dreams of the childhood you never had.

Leave it all in the past because i'm the high that leaves you in a fragile state, mistake by mistake it's the price you will pay.

Near and far, nodding in and out, constantly chasing the dragon. Familiar pleasure filling the lungs provides the sense of stability blocking out pain and discomfort.

Oblivious to the vicious demise quietly poisoning your body, draining your youth as your life is dictated where the abstinence of dope exaggerates the sickness that overruns as you lose control of your life and question your purpose.

Losing touch with reality, addiction becomes erratic-out of control. You don't recognize the face in the mirror anymore, a slave to an demanding lifestyle draining you from the inside out.

Not sure your reason to keep living, hoping one day you can beat your disease never looking back. The day came, you're tired, you've given up, you need out. Looking back, you've accomplished not a single thing.

Only getting older with more expectations, forced to revaluate your progress, found out to be limited to none. You're so done.

Running with open arms into recovery is the only chance you'll succeed, and to breed your goals and dreams you need to believe. To put in your effort and defeat the beast thats waiting for the chance you slip up and bleed.

Take one day at a time, this is a must, far from simple , but you need to trust.

In yourself, a higher power, an inspiration, will be the motivation to reclaim your life back, claim true happiness, and become the best version of yourself

Black skies and blue veins
Hollow mood of a thousand ghost towns
Pale desperate to feel
Yet born to **** for mediocrity’s queen

To be alive yet so dead
Sad in bed waiting
For deaths dealer
Unrequited emotions
Crashing, responding, replies
Nothing in sight I bare in mind

So I shed light
With a arrow in my spine
a hook to my name
White-up my nose
Emotions like an anchor in the sea
Eyes set to the sunset

The feeling is bliss
And slowly dying
Bore me bore me bore me

Left alone is all I want
Finally let the horror begin
Chimes in the wind
My memories plastered to a board of mistakes

Avoidance isn’t a cure
Poision me till I’m full
And can’t live another day
As I’m caught in a web of feelings
Sound asleep to my dismay

A conquer of my dreams, reality, perspective in hand and in whole
Was just yesterday when she stood tall
Against an evergreen mountain
The wind's whisps
leaving lashes on her face
At an elevation like this one could smell renewal a rejuvenating aroma
As her breath travel to her navel in one
Quick motion
A blissful feeling of longing she always
Put herself on the pedestal
Knowing the self rejoicing rigidness
Her self-worth shone to be
An everlasting fire planted a seed
In the midst of her heart
An unshakable clarity and belonging
Swarmed her body in one action
As her mind drifted into a seemingly everlasting relaxation
In one exhalation drawing hands to the chest one palm ontop the other
She finally understood
A gift larger than life so valuable
That can only be acquired through
Real acceptance, the unconditional expression of self-love

I think there is a void in me,
I'm trying to fill with guys
but,
that doesn't give me happiness at all

I'll walk alone with all this pain.
Pain that kills me inside.
Pain, depression and devastation.
Secretly hiding behind that ever was.
A smile.
I kept it in, for months.
Suffered, of the attacks.
Feelings that drew me close to the edge of death.
Pulling me way from the withdraw of the world.
Who was I?
A complete disaster was all I could see.
A hideous figure in the mirror screaming for help and apology.
All I needed was help.
Behind the mask lies the real me.
Suffering from what I'm suppose to be.
Perfection was never an option.
The horrible flaws that had me under escape.
I'm tired of hiding,
Tired of being unseen,
Tired of accepting what isolation really means.
I took the mask off as I led the unfold,
and showed the world what was left untold.

I've never felt so free
I feel invincible
No one can stop me.

My perfect plan
was to push you away
Trying to convince myself that you could never love me
You see beauty
But all I see is a love imposter
trying to make sense of deadly attraction
I confess my feelings
caught up in my own vices
I run away
late nights waiting for your reply
but still silence is obvious
the freight-train racing through my mind
your absence is a stain I can't wash away
So i stare wondering why you're not here
were you pretending all along,
and why can't I seem to let you go?

She shoots
she scores
she cheats
what a *****.

Her veins on fire, envy pierce her eyes
always on her mind, creeping in her sleep
lingering as she wakes, following
a trail of lies, deceit, guilt
a pain of a plan, pin in her hand,
blood fills the needle
a miss, can't feel the bliss.

a narrow tunnel, holding on to faith,
some hope, an ex lover knocks on her door
yearning for more, so much more,
between the sheets, then sleep

Kiss goodbye, time passes
her new found lover
says he loves her
and she says in back.

Retraction, a curse a spell
scared to say the wrong name
when she makes love,
is it truly love?

If it was, why is she searching for drugs?

I try to envelope
My hope
In something translucent
Succulent it may be
But fading in glory
A pond of koi fish
Bright as can be
Drawing me in
Yearning my release
My hunger evolves,
Silky brush of youth
Bittersweet satisfaction
In coating the truth
Light strips me white
As I'm pale for all to see
The scars, the pain
Fragility inside me

Green beautiful glimmers
The whole way down smooth crackle foundation
Love on the rising vibrating me outwards
The universe takes a hold and sings the song of creation
Caressing me in a beautiful love song
Crystals energized with forest green,luminescent yellow fading into a stream of mirrors, reflecting
Bring me life and strength
Trusting the love, my protector, my ancestor
Tinted blue smooth skin cold to the touch
Silver long striking hair branding infinity into my memory, my film that is me.
The infinite being that was created to see
All the love and light that has guided
My path into security,
Screaming “love” down the tunnel and hearing my heartbeat pulsing against the beautiful sunset of a curious night.

Cloudy sweet delight
fulfills the

space bounded with an
atmosphere of lavender.

The soft cotton touch, lingers against my
steady fingertips.

Beating, the breath of
yesterday.

Living on the corner
of my mouth, crimson red flushed
lips.

Arms aching of
emptiness, tired, restless eyes.

Glimpsing golden
light.

Sprawling, bleeding
upon, a red flaming face.

My prying hands, pressing against my
pleating pockets.

Brought to my sight,
held a captivating view.

A note with a name:

“Darling, you shine
past the sun.

You are golden, my
princess.

You


cannot be compared to
a single thing.

The Queen of Hearts
would be jealous.

Looking upon you
lively, genuine heart.

You ripple of
fireworks, exploding bold colors

into the vast royal blue
sky.”

The water drips down the faucet
thirsty for speech
Molly misfit doesn't speak a word
but she's clever when disturbed
round and round you will go
All the pretty colors wild and free
describing your senses, absent sleep
some things take hold, making you feel bold
get your creativity flowing, racing, while it makes no sense
you feel the rhythm in every inch
and you explore the depths of normality in a insane way
because things seem different, but it's you.
You're never same, constant change, feeling overjoyed racing away
Like you found yourself on Molly's ride, but learn to much to fast
You're no longer trapped, you are free, to breathe and be serene
I found you, and you found me. In each other we find one another, because we are alike you and me. We just believe in a different destiny, under the same wing of Molly's side, share the warmth she provide. Hours pass, feeling good feeling great, hopefully the morning won't be a mistake, after we get our way, wanting this feeling to stay, my heart knows a good feeling, allowing us to be comfortable here in the now, ******* will need to suffice as the term of how it feels to be alive, right here right now, I'm happy, touched by love, and kissed from above, heaven is here, on your skin, it's good, not sin. Finally everything makes sense, contentment sweeping over me, enjoy Molly's gift while it last, just be glad it was a blast, and remember how it felt, from start to end, what I know now can't be replaced, an unforgettable experience, i cannot forget, reminding me to look out for you, and you for me, even when the end is near, we won't forget or fear, when the magic burns out, and we had a taste, just know that together we found this place, our discovery, beautiful sane insanity, a needed escape, the great sensations and positive vibes, trust and happiness for you and me, will always be awaiting my return, I earned the secret, of reality, no need to hide my changing mind, set it free, be real with me, hiding from the truth, the remedy, but here i've found the key to serenity.

I bring my own hopes up
Just to ***** myself over
my vicious demise

time and time again.

I remember when the fireflies danced in the night
When hearts grew warmer,
as coldness sprouted to life.
When a single sign of affection
brewed a storm inside of me
and I pursued the glimpse of happiness.
I remember when mom commanded me to do the unspeakable
as dad stared blankly into silent static,
as my screams pierced the humid summer night.
When destructive thoughts seized my mind
I tried to make them flee, but they refused.
as rejection dug into my flesh, running, and running, and running.
I remember the endless tears, broken relationships, and the grip of fear.
Fear of the unknown, the future, people, and love.
Love.
What was it?
Would I ever find it?
And would I ever find myself?
I remember when you said I was the strongest person you knew.
I tried to comprehend your words, but I couldn't see strength.
Instead, a young girl with big dreams in a world crumbling to pieces.
So I searched to find myself.
I remember when I started viewing myself in a positive way.
As I repelled the negative judgement I had forced upon myself.
And started finding my values, who I was, and who I wanted to be.
And maybe, just maybe
I could succeed.

If your mind is lost
Why seek denial, when you can be set free
In the truth
An option, a choice
Maybe we seek, the louder voice
But retract in necessity
What tears us apart, entropy
The grey, a liberating sort,
Tainted and stained
Deliberating
But a noise unheard
Like a whisper,
A voice
Humming like the birds
In the morning's daylight
When distractions became remains
To a relation, a memory
Asleep in December
The frost, it Welters
I can breathe again
A feeling a youth
So clear, only boasting of truth
Because denial is the devil,
And God is only good
Believe it
Know it
See it
Sense it
Decide on it
But the truth,
You can't hide from it
After the storm,
Comes the sun
Just know,
Please note,
That You have won.

Reliving yesterday
Where promises were broken
And the curse of a love song never met
Caressing a baby’s future

An A student
The trauma alone
Fading to nothing
The feeling at home

Ribbons on paper
A pastime
Such passion unrequited in nature
The fire to feel so alive
Impulsive in nature

Burning inside
Between hypocrisy’s mother
And a drugged up brother
Dad never slept
Slave to 12 hour debt

Crossing the Limits: An Unforging Wasteland

Boom goes the economy
Blooming a shade darker every full moon
Ragged wires and broken tires
All we ever did was try to sustain
The pain of a million pesticides
In our food, in our dreams, in our sleep
Open your eyes and realize
The harm of every arm cut up and torn apart
Trapped in corrupted media
Brainwashed by subliminal messaging
Lend an eye for an ear and save our economy
A foreseeable wasteland near to come
Once true to youth
As with the endangered animals
Prone to extinction
And breeding babies to come
Rising with hysteria
Completion for resources, affluence, sanity
An ecological disturbance hard to ignore
Deterioration
Depletion
Destruction
Truly, the origin of the storm.

save yourself
before you **** yourself

I know its hard to hear,
and you cannot bear,
but I love you,
and you can't be replaced.