Mishy Kim

Mishy Kim Sep 2020

while writing my speech for a class, i realized something about myself. i was always stuck in the middle. growing up in the philippines, i was too korean to fit it with the filipinos, but i was too filipino to fit in with the koreans. i was never really thin or fat. i was sure and unsure about everything all the time. i never completely found a middle, comfortable ground to stand on. i thought i had a happy place, but i realized i didn't. i was always too lost in my thoughts to make one. i wanna learn how to be comfortable in some place. some happy place where i can rest my head, because my anxiety is not letting me sleep. i wanna learn to be comfortable in my grey zone. i want that to be my happy place. i just dont know how, which i think is a good thing. not knowing can lead to more, deeper answers. i just wish i know when im going to find it.

i haven't written here in the longest time lel i needed a place to i guess vent (?) my thoughts somewhere

#rant #latenights #cantsleep #insomnia #anxiety #thoughts

Mishy Kim May 2018

It's over, isn't it?

There was a time in my life where I was indifferent about you. I couldn't care less about what you did and where you went. After the night I walked out of your life, I became indifferent. It wasn't easy, letting go of my feelings. It will never be easy. But the feelings coming back to my life was the easiest thing you have done. With just the snap of a finger and a text message, everything came back to me. The indifference was gone and feelings, senses came back to me. I didn't want this. My heart wasn't ready to discover territories that were hidden after I left. I shoved my feelings down my throat, just for them to come up again night after night, when I would cry myself to sleep. I never bothered to ask you how you were because I knew it would only end in us fighting. We were a ticking time bomb, ready to explode. It was just a matter of who lit the wick first.

If you're reading this, please let's talk. I know you hate seeing me, but I think we should talk again.

#love #lost #indifference

Mishy Kim Apr 2018

Keep me together, break me apart.

Do you love me anymore?

Does my name come up in your thoughts,
When your thinking about your to do list?

Does my face remind you of the smiles
And tears we went through together?

Do the halls and doors we walked through
Bring you warmth and familiarity?

Because it doesn’t seem like it does.

Because you find it so easy to walk out
The door every time you find trouble

Maybe you’ll always be the one
Holding the carrot up
And me, the stupid one who chases it
Just to find out it wasn’t worth it

Communication is what kept us together
But what you did was just brush me off
Like dirt on your shoulders

It’s funny how you think my emotions
Don’t matter to you
But all I did was trust you
With my emotions

There were points where you boiled my blood
Where I thought I was going to die
But somehow you save me
And leave me to drown again

Somehow I still love you
Even with all the games you play with me

You made me love you and hate you.

You turned my world upside down
And right side up.

Never once did I doubt you
Of the strength you had
To keep this together

You had me in the palm of your hands
But then decided to squeeze me
And choke me

You pushed till my breaking point
Until I doubted my own self

Now I’m all dried up
And my mascara tears are gone

Strength might not be there anymore
But my love is.

#love #brokenheart #empty

Mishy Kim Mar 2018

I wrote a will.

I wrote a will.

I thought I was going to
Live fast, die young.

I wrote a will.

It’s a will that states
The truest emotions
Something that should
Be kept secret.

I wrote a will.

For you.

Knowing the situation
We’re in,

I wrote a will for you.

I remember you saying
I was going to get sick

I was going to die young

So I wrote a will.

I wrote it when our love died
When the clouds fogged up the sky
When the rain started pouring

Maybe it was the stone in my chest
Or the love in my heart
That pushed me to write one

I cut the wrong wires
The wires that connected the stone and my heart
The wire that connected us.

The death of our relationship was the death of me
My own body started killing itself
I became the girl with anxiety
Not knowing it manifested

I don’t sleep because I worry
I worry you forget me
We become something of an empty item
It hurts just thinking about it

Never once I thought about getting back together
Because I hurt you too much
You bled out in front of me
That image never left

This is why I wrote a will.

I hurt you too much.

I was scared to say it in front of you
So it would be better for you to listen
When I die

I wrote a will.

#lost #love

Mishy Kim Nov 2017

Finest Hour.

I had my first kiss at the age of 16
I was young and naive
and didn’t know what love meant

It didn’t feel like sparks
Just like the movies
But felt the emptiness in my heart
As soon as we touched

I knew it wasn’t love
More like lust
More like the desire to have someone
Face to face

He didn’t see the scars
Because of my dark cloud
And that’s why he kissed me

I didn’t let him touch me
Because I was scared
He’d feel the stitches in my heart
And run away

At 17, I fell in love.

The boy was just as cute
As a character in a cartoon

He was an outline of the perfect person.

He lived and loved what
I lived and loved

Just like a wave,
The emotions crashed onto me,
Capsizing the boat
I once loved

I found something called hope
In your eyes

I became to know what it was
To be happy
And to be satisfied

But this didn’t last long

2 years passed
It seemed like forever
I thought that i was going
To be with him forever

But my plans never come out
The way i wanted it to

It was so ironic that
Every time i was happy with you,
It always rained.

Because somehow,
My tears never stopped
It only became faster
And faster
And closer to the day
When it dried

And when it did,
It was the day
I left you.

My dear,
This was the end to our chapter.
But every end has its benefits
Every end means the
Start of a new beginning

#love #breakup #sad #pain #firstkiss

Mishy Kim Jul 2017

The silence that kills.

Love,

Isn't the same.
It isn't the same
As I used to feel.

Love with you
Was a burning passion
That was fueled by
Words and gifts

Love with you
Brought out the best
And worst in me

But that love changed.

Now love with you
Is a quiet hum

It can only be heard when
People are quiet

But you can feel it.

The calmness of this
Love
Overcame my being

As the silence creeped in,
The darkness came with it

I swear,
I could feel the vines
Tugging on my heart

The anxiety drowned
Me in tears and
My screams
Couldn't be heard

Thoughts of losing
You came into my
Mind like
B u l l e t s
One by one

My knees are too weak
To pull myself back up

The silence grabbed me by
My neck and threw me across the
Wall
Farther from you.

Is this love?

The pain and suffering
Of the silence

I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE.

Give me the fire once again.

Set my heart ablaze.

Love me with the passion
That I will never forget.

Just love me.

#fire #love #silence #passion

Mishy Kim Mar 2017

the stars and my heart.

Maybe this wasn't meant to be.
Maybe this was just a vivid
imagination of what could be.

I fell in love with the idea,
not the journey.

The trepidation in my heart consumed me.

if this was meant to be,
if the stars lined up
just right, for me this to be,
why is it a stone in my heart?

somehow I became the girl
who became addicted to
something she needs,
not wants.

What I wanted was to dance.
I wanted to paint the
colors of my life with
what I have.

But the stars and planets
are never stationary.
They kept moving,
and I was moving with them.

this was inspired by John Donne's A Valediction : Forbidden Mourning. Thank you for reading it :)

#heart #stars #john #donne