mischa

mischa Mar 2019

‘the good news’, i tell God,
‘is that we’re dying.’
i look up at the dark, cloudy skies,
wondering if this is really my fate,
forcing you and everyone to see me in this god forsaken state.
‘we’re just as dead we will be in a few decades’,
by which i mean,
not yet dead,
but definitely working towards it.

God looks back at me, disappointment in their eyes.
they let out a sigh, as a wasted attempt of blowing me away,
then rolls their eyes all the way to the point where they should be able to see their own brain.

the taste of failure on my tongue,
           i failed you
                i failed you
                     i failed you
keeps echoing through my head,
i just want to go,
i just want to forget,

God gives me a look, almost upset, and then turns their back.

‘i’ll just blame it on cancer’
i say, as i light another cigarette.

pretty happy with the way this turned out.

#sad #death #loneliness #cigarette #pain #hurt #love #god

mischa Jun 2018

i called it love

my hands were shaking when i wrote about you,
dying to write down the truth,
and i called it love.

you left me hating myself even more than before,
left me desperate for more,
and i called it love.

you caused me to drown in a sea of sorrow,
made me unsure about tomorrow,
and i called it love.

your touch sent a tidal wave of shivers down my spine,
for way too much time,
and i called it love.

i kept pouring my heart out to strangers,
you were starting to feel like a stranger,
and i called it love.

i wasn’t able to sleep for days and days on end,
feeling like these feelings were never gonna end,
yet i called it love.

you broke my ******* heart,
and broke my ******* mind,
i still called it love.

let’s just hope it wasn’t.

it wasn’t always like this. maybe it even was love.

#love #heart #mind #broken #hurt

mischa May 2018

4 a.m

i have been staring at the empty bottle,
i almost drowned myself today,
the ache has been unbearable,
and it ripples through my clothes like an echo in an empty cave.

and you are the reason i feel like this,
you gave me roses but stuck me with the thorns,
and now it is 4 a.m
and i am crying on my kitchen floor.

you used to light up a fire in me,
but now i am almost always cold;
my wrists look too thin for the weight of my world.

and yes, i am ashamed.
but maybe it is just me and my blind optimism to blame.

not entirely sure about this, but okay :)

#empty #tired #crying #alcohol #blame

mischa May 2018

i hope you remember

you looked at me from across the room
i never knew falling in love could happen so soon
but looking at you,
and bathing in the brown of your eyes
is like looking at the perfect night sky,
and i still fall for you, every time.

the first time i saw you
you took my breath away
and i never expected you to be the one
to remind me how to breathe again
to remind me how to love again
to teach me how to feel alive again

you have no idea how thrilled i am
just to know i will get to see you again
and hold you like you never left
even though i know that you are going to leave
even though i know that that is going to hurt
even though i know that there will be tears
even though i know that i will still love you

and even though i hope that you will always remember that.

#eyes #love #hate #memories

— The End —