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milkweedangel Jan 2018
It’s almost been a month
Since you died
Since you
Took your own life

It’s funny how I really
Didn’t know you at all
Before you died
But even now
I miss you

Even now I’m scared
To sleep
Because of what I might dream
I don’t want those dreams
Where I could almost
Save you
But am just a little
Too late

I don’t want those dreams
Where it’s not only you
But him too

I don’t want dreams

I try not to think
About you too much
Because avoiding my own grief
Is what I’m best at
But when I do
I keep wondering
Why can’t I wake up?

Why isn’t this a dream?
Why can’t you come back?
Oh ——, why did you have to go?

And there’s my grief
And their grief
And her grief
And his grief
All of this grief
And still I try to run

I can’t escape
Like you did
Or did you?
I’m not so sure

Because you can’t end your pain
It just lives on
In
Everyone

Including me.

I miss you
I’m sorry
I wish you were here
I wish we all didn’t have to live
With your loss
And nothing we can do
To fix it
Or make it better

It’s just awful
And painful
Forever

I guess that’s what suicide really is
The eternalising of pain
In everyone

It still hurts
Even now I avoid your music your mentions your pictures.
milkweedangel Dec 2017
42 miles
and I wish I was there
42 miles
and they’re painful to me
42 miles
and you need me right now
42 miles
and they’re painful to you
42 miles
and I’d fly if I could
42 miles
and they’re torture to me
42 miles
and you’d run if you could
42 miles
and they’re torture to you
42 miles
and I wish they were two
42 miles
and they’re breaking me
42 miles
and you need me right now
42 miles
and they’re killing you
3/4/16
milkweedangel Dec 2017
It’s 4 O’clock in the morning
And I thought of you
Maybe it was the nameless bird
Who sings a song so light
Or maybe it was the moon above
That’s bathing me in blue
But either way it’s 4 O’clock
And I thought of you


<3
This was supposed to be the start to a long poem for a dear friend’s birthday, but the poem decided it was completed after one paragraph. I’ll still give it to her but now I have to write another too lol

(inspired by “4 O’Clock” by RM & V)
milkweedangel Jan 2018
Underneath the sun my heart was scorched
And beneath the moon you were
Scorched as well and I found you crying
A child of the moon like me

Scorched and stripped of everything
By this world so big and cruel
For some reason still, it was not me but you
Who dried our tears and held me

You told me, “sister we must try,
To pick up our scattered pieces.
For life goes on and we must walk
Along this path till dawn.”

I said, “my friend, I’ve had no other
Alternative but to walk
And live on like this but I’m tired now,
And my feet are worn to the bone.”

It was then I noticed that your feet too,
Were worn out just enough
Without a choice, you had kept in step
Dancing to another’s song

I wondered for the first time then
Why had we kept on walking
Who was it who had kept us going?
On this breathless path so marked with pain

But sister of my heart, I think,
Perhaps it was each other
That had kept us walking on this path
Together, even before we had met

For pain is not a lonely thing
Since it lives on in us all
And if our friendship is made up
Of love, mutual pain and healing
Than perhaps it’s not so common after all
This friendship we have grown

For you protect me from the sun
And you soothe the burns on my heart
So I in turn give you moon air to breathe
And words from a nameless bird

And the singing voices that follow us
Flow deep and bring the scarlet morning
One step, then another
And now it’s only you and me here

So I told you it’s alright to open your eyes
As long as you hold my hand
You’re breathless from the sun, but love
The moon blue air is cool

So let’s rest a bit beneath the moon
If tears fall, then fall they do
I’ll light a small candle and sing you a song
So don’t cry anymore, I’m here

And life is just a paradox
Since living and dying go hand in hand
But that is not unbearable to me anymore
Because my sister, my friend, dear Naz,
Now I have you
For my friend’s birthday tomorrow. She’s the human embodiment of the song “4 O’clock” by R&V and I wanted to write a poem about our friendship inspired by the lyrics of it. It doesn’t have the same warm feeling as the song but it’s honest and there’s beauty in that.
Happy 21st birthday Naz, my self proclaimed big sister and my dear friend. <3
milkweedangel Mar 2018
I know I’m easy to
abuse
But I also know I’m easy to
love
So I guess somewhere between the
two
There’s some kind of balance or
reason
This has been in drafts for months
milkweedangel Apr 2018
Sometimes the ache in your heart
will return as the evening
draws in
And you won’t know why
it grows heavier with
the dark
But at least it will feel
just a little familiar like
an old friend
At least it’s not a new pain
milkweedangel May 2018
I wish I had a poem in me
so I could maybe ease this ache
My heart hurts but I have no poems to help let that out tonight
milkweedangel Apr 2018
I am a friend for the storms
I will bring you warmth
and light
and something to hold on to
in whatever storm
you are in

It doesn’t matter how long
your storm is
I will be here and
I won’t let you go
I will be here
until your storm is over

I am happy I can be
a friend for the storms
there are very few of us
and we are very needed
I’m happy I can fulfil
that for someone

But I wonder how
you become a friend for the sunshine too
I wonder how to be needed
once the storms are over
and you are well again
For some reason my friendships always grow distant and then end once my friends are happy and well again. I’m built to weather storms, but I’d like to have someone for the sunshine too
milkweedangel Apr 2018
Tonight I finally got the courage
or desperation
to listen to the album you left us
I don’t know whether or not it’s helping
or healing
but if each tear that falls
is a drop of heaviness and pain
leaving my body like you said
then I’ll keep listening
and letting my tears fall
Even though I’ve lost people before, the fact that time will never bring them back never gets easier or less painful. Time may heal, but only so much
milkweedangel Nov 2018
Maybe one of these days
someone will put in
like I do
and not leave me
or act like they have
while I’m still here
alone
I refuse to give in again and mend a relationship that only I am holding up.
milkweedangel Oct 2018
You can be a lot of people’s friend
without having a single friend yourself
Something to remember
milkweedangel Sep 2018
Whenever I doubt myself
(again)
I think about what you said
(I saved the screenshot)
and I tell myself
that those people don’t miss me
they miss Angel Tess
and it’s kind of sad
and it still hurts
(to be loved for being fake)
but it also
gives me strength
to not look back
and to keep trying
to be real
again.
You often say things that stick with me for a long, long time. Thank you
milkweedangel Mar 2018
I never get angry at others
because all of my anger
is used up on me.
It’s easier to be angry at yourself, and it’s less vulnerable you know
milkweedangel Jan 2018
I wish you’d defend your own body
Like you do those of animals
I wish you’d love your own special quirks
Like you do those of animals
For if seals can be fat and zebras can have marks
Why can’t you?

And if that animal isn’t ugly despite its oddness
If those things make it beautiful and fun and amazing
Why doesn’t the same apply to you?
Why do you insist such mean things about yourself
When animals are exactly the same?

My love I believe
beauty applies to you too
and I’m hoping that you’ll start to see that
you’re just as beautiful as the animal kingdom

So stop shaming yourself
with thoughts that you aren’t
We’re so quick to defend animals called ugly I wish we’d do the same for ourselves
milkweedangel Feb 2019
My emotions are big
but you don’t drown
or try to pull the plug
you just sit
with me
until they’ve passed

you’re the bravest person
I’ve ever known
To everyone who’s ever just let me feel like I do
milkweedangel Jan 2018
It’s clawing—
Bursting!
I can’t breathe—
I have to move—
I can’t breathe!
I have to go—
I can’t breathe—!
I have to work—
I can’t b r e a t h e — !

Quickly—quickly—quickly!
Faster—!

The music has to be louder
I can’t hear
I can’t breathe
Louder louder LOUDER!
Just drown the anxiety out—

Clean—you have to clean!
I can’t think
I can’t think!
It’s too messy
You have too much stuff
Go through go through it!
If you get rid of it it’ll be better
I can’t breathe
Faster—

Wash the sheets
Dust the shelves
Line up line up
Straighten this
Straighten that
Not straight enough
Clean more—
It’s not working
I can’t breathe
Oh God
Faster faster
More more

There’s nothing left
I did it all
It’s not enough
Louder
L o u d e r
I can’t breathe
I can’t breathe!
It’s clawing—
It’s bursting!

Shut up
Shut up—
Shut up!
S H U T  U P

I can’t breathe.
I love panic attacks at 2am that make me clean obsessively
milkweedangel Jan 2018
I can’t get the thoughts out of my head
fast enough
to make it okay
Where do they all come from?
milkweedangel Jun 2018
I told you
and the others
that there has never been something
that really helped the anxiety

But that was a
half lie
half truth
there is one thing that always helped
it’s just not an option anymore

It’s true that
cutting my skin a hundred times
did stop the anxiety and
make me feel better
but

We all know
it’s not an option now
and even though I think about it
especially when it’s bad
I don’t want that guilt
and I don’t want that shame

And further more
I’m two years clean today
so congratulations to me
I’ll find another way to help the anxiety
Two years clean from self harm, I may not be better in most areas of my life, but I’m better off than I was when I hurt myself. It’s hard and I’m still tempted to do it sometimes,  but it gets easier. And I’m glad I stopped. If you’re trying to stop, hang in there, you will get there one day, and it’ll be worth it.
milkweedangel Jun 2018
If I told you
that anything is possible
and anything can change
would I be able to convince you?
Or would we both stand here
clutching that foolish hope
between our bloodied hands
and trying so intently
to convince the other
so we could convince ourself?
Hope is fleeting but it always returns
milkweedangel Apr 2018
Celebrating your birthday without you is painful
but pretending it’s not today would be worse

we miss you
Continue to rest well, angel
milkweedangel Sep 2018
if you’ve ever carried
a glass aquarium tank
full of water
then you know how heavy
water can be
all of the sorrow
has poured itself into tears
which filled up my heart
which is made of glass
that’s why my chest
is so heavy
tonight
Where’s the plug to pull?
Bad
milkweedangel Jan 2018
Bad
Sick
my tummy feels like
it’s sick

Heavy
my heart feels so
very heavy

Sad
my lungs feel raw
with sad

Wrong
my insides feel all
icky wrong

Bad
I just feel all
bad inside
The nights are so miserable
Bad
milkweedangel Sep 2018
Bad
I stay up all night again
trying to convince myself I don’t need to make myself feel bad
I don’t need to make myself hurt
in any way my mind comes up with
I can just feel emotions and let them be
can’t i?
Back here again, but with a different poison...
milkweedangel Jul 2018
I can’t slow down because I don’t feel heard

I need to slow down so I can be heard


Everything is going too fast

and too slow


I am too much

and too little


It feels like I’ll be chasing balance my whole life
It’s overwhelming
milkweedangel Sep 2018
Despite everything
you told me life was
truly beautiful
and the conviction you said it with
gave me such security
that everything is worth it
I couldn’t help but
sigh in relief
and smile
albeit a bit tearfully
For Lexie, who never gives up
milkweedangel Apr 2018
You told me to wait
for spring to come
to me
and
to you

It’s true what you said
the cold and frozen winter
remains here
and
lingers on

So I wonder if that’s why
you aren’t here anymore
to see
and
feel spring

It’s true winter feels so long
waiting is unbearable
for me
and
for you

And that’s why I hope
you understand that
your tears
and
your sadness

I can’t forget them any more
than you could
it hurts
and
it hurts

More than the spring
it’s you that I miss
my angel
and
my love
You weren’t contagious and I wish I could have told you that
milkweedangel Jun 2018
“It’s been really hard to be me lately”

that little honesty
in an imaginary conversation with you
finally broke the dam
and the tears came
I didn’t realise it
until I said it
but it’s been hard
to be me
to be the me I want to be
of late

It’s hard to stand up for myself
and set boundaries
on how people can treat me
it’s hard to enforce them
and insist on what’s best for me too
It makes me feel ugly and mean
it makes me anxious and I
hate the way I feel after
I’ve done it

It’s hard to forgive myself
for all the ways I mess up
it’s hard to try to love myself
it’s hard to believe I am good
it’s hard trying to be the best version of me
which includes kindness towards myself
and the people I choose to love
respecting me and my boundaries
and me insisting on that
that’s the hardest part of becoming
the best me
because it’s easy to love someone else
and it’s easy to be kind to them
and patient
and forgiving
but it is very hard to give those things to myself
and believe that I deserve them

But I want to become someone
who is a role model not just for
how to treat others
but how to treat yourself
so I’m trying
I’m trying
I’m
trying
and it is hard

Rocking the boat
and standing up for myself
is hard and
makes me feel bad
bad

bad

but

I want to be the best me

so I’ll keep trying

this thing called



being me.
Being honestly myself is hard and feels bad. I want to get to the point where it feels good
milkweedangel Sep 2018
I think most of the time
I feel so very inconsequential
I am tiny
in stature and weight
and to me
my impact is tiny as well

I think the help I can give
the strength I can offer
is small and
not very great
the same as my body

But the words you write for me
in those words
in your eyes
in your heart
I am overflowing with enough

I am great and big
in love and impact
And I am not so tiny
in importance
to you

Somehow you make me feel
so very big and important
even in the life
of the person who means
so much to me
my lovely Lexie,
whose heart and smile is big
and deep
and always impactful

You make me feel important
and enough

And those are the biggest things
for tiny me
You’re the only one who can write my insecurities into strengths and truth.
milkweedangel May 2018
With every passing day
i dread my birthday more and more
now there’s only one day left
and i am simply
miserable

i’m so worried the whole event
will be a burden
despite how small and
simple i’ve kept it
and that everyone will be completely miserable
most of all me
but unlike everyone else
i’ll deserve it

years ago i didn’t think i’d make it
to four birthdays ago
but i did and
i’m still here
which is a good thing
at least i’m able to think that
most days
but i still haven’t learned
to be excited and happy
for my own day
other people’s days are my favourite

mine just makes me anxious
and guilty guilty guilty—
very sorry,
selfish selfish selfish—
i hope they enjoy what i asked for,
the food—
the hike—
it’s supposed to rain,
the cake—
the time—
i’m sorry it’s me we’re celebrating,
my miserable little birthday that i dread
more than anything
it’s just a day away...

my little sister asked me
on Wednesday
if i was so excited for my birthday
that i just wanted to take a nap
until then
and i said that was quite a long nap
but my stars,
i wish i still loved my own birthday that much
i wish i wasn’t so insecure about the whole thing
i wish it was over
and i felt good enough for the whole thing

i hope i dont let them all down
Just needed to get my thoughts out. Seems like every year my birthday makes me more and more miserable even when it always works out fine...
milkweedangel Jan 2018
I guess I didn’t think
not wanting to read a book
because of my religion
would be this big of a deal

Certainly not to the extent
that you’d pretend I didn’t
exist anymore and I wonder
are you for real?
Things ended up working out as it was a lot of confusion over missed messages, but at the time it was hurtful
milkweedangel Dec 2017
I wonder how much they would sell for
If I bottled them in crystal glass
and tied ribbons around the neck
With a little “homegrown” label
Stuck to the front

I think I could make a profit
If the market is good after class
For I have lost many things
And have never quite been stable
So I have more than a few

Tears to bottle
I cry too much
milkweedangel Nov 2018
I don’t know why I keep going back
hopeful maybe now someone will have cared
why would time make someone care more
when they never cared to begin with?
Time is careless, people are time
hurt is timeless
it stays when they leave
I am lonely
and always missing someone
no matter what careless time it is
I guess I just still wish they cared as much as I did
milkweedangel Aug 2018
The walls of my room are closing in again.
how can a room so empty feel so small?

i have to wear my hoodie to hide the pain that isn’t there
i’m starting to wish it was again.

why does my chest feel so heavy?
why does my stomach feel so dark?
why am i still here
even though so many years have passed

i wonder why i still feel like i’m waiting
for someone else to die
for something so horrible to happen,
that i’ll do something so desperate
i’ll end up in the hospital or in the ground.

i don’t know if i’m wasting my days
or this is as it should be
but i’m starting to feel desperate for a different feeling
anything
anything
even if it’s pain, so long as it’s different,


that scares me.

it’s been a long time since i felt that way.

maybe it really is bad
maybe i should stop pretending it got better
but didn’t it?

i can’t trust my thoughts again.

i’m in this same pain again
this same place
this same me.

Has nothing really changed?
Maybe it’s just the weekend...
milkweedangel Sep 2018
Cigar smoke in the evening air
I miss you grandpa
What a nostalgic smell
milkweedangel Jun 2018
sitting in my closest
in the dark.
(crying)
i
cant
b r e a t h e
it’s the THUNDER and
it’s the ssǝɹʇs
and it’s the text she sent
the email and
everything
                            EVERYTHING
        
                                                            ᵉᵛᵉʳ­ʸᵗʰᶤᶰᵍ. . .
(im so scared)
and ᵃᶰˣᶤᵒᵘˢ
i dont know what to do besides
hide in my closet.
(in the dark)
try to focus on the music.
wear a favourite hoodie.
hug the giant plushie she gave me
and cry  .
              .
                 .
                       cry.
                             .
                            .
          
                  cry .
                         .
                        .
                         .         
                        .
(i dont know what ill do when my phone dies)
Not exactly how I wanted to spend my first Monday after graduation
milkweedangel Nov 2019
i wonder if you know
i cried that entire conversation
but i cried the most
when it was over
milkweedangel May 2018
And I’m a piece of crap
for telling you the truth
and it was only half
of what I wanted to spew
I’m sorry. It was too important to keep my mouth shut like normal. I couldn’t say everything bc it would be too hurtful and I’d done enough hurting already. But I feel really ******
milkweedangel Mar 2018
It’s not that I don’t know
that mood crashes are inevitable
it’s just that
I wonder why they have to be
Happy times would be better if they weren’t followed by pain
milkweedangel Jan 2018
Can’t
Rest
Yet
I’m
No
Good
I feel like crying but nothing comes out
milkweedangel Dec 2017
My eyes will not cry the tears that I need
So my veins must cry them instead
My tears shall be made of the blood that I bleed
I am crying tears of red

My mouth will not form the words I should say
So my tools must form them instead
My words shall be carved on my body and stay
I am carving words of red

My heart will not express the pain that I feel
So my hands must express it instead
My pain shall be marks that no time can heal
I am marking pain of red

My voice will not scream for the help I require
So my cuts must scream it instead
My scream shall be the lines I always desire
I am cutting screams of red

My cuts shall scream for the help that I need
So my hands must mark me dead
My words shall be made of the blood that I bleed
I am crying tears of red
8/24/14
milkweedangel Dec 2017
Crystal Snow sounds so beautiful
But it really just burns and cuts
The whole way down
Crystal Snow is sadness
Cut
milkweedangel Aug 2019
Cut
it cuts me up so badly
on the inside
i wish i was cut up
on the outside
milkweedangel Dec 2017
We dance together on broken glass
twirling spinning ‘round liars with knife-tongues
We clasp cut wrists on broken glass
spinning twirling through the poison words sung
We waltz together on shattered gems
leaping running ‘round smilers with dead-eyes
We clasp cut wrists on shattered gems
running leaping through the pretty fake cries
We trip together on fallen stars
stumbling sliding ‘round criers with black-tears
We clasp ****** wrists on fallen stars
sliding stumbling through the harsh ugly jeers
We fall together on crushed dreams
crying breaking ‘round masks with deaf-ears
We clasp ****** wrists on crushed dreams
breaking crying through the silent screaming leers
We rise together on burning ashes
flaming glowing ‘round mockers with blind-stares
We clasp scarred wrists on burning ashes
glowing flaming through the shallow room’s cares
We ascend together on diamond steps
laughing singing ‘round puppets with mad-feet
We clasp scarred wrists on diamond steps
singing laughing through the pain to our seat
We are broken queens on shattered thrones
and our courts are full of snakes
We are shattered queens on broken thrones
and our crowns are full of snakes
8/15/15
milkweedangel Mar 2018
Something that can happen so quickly
affects us for such a long time

please stay.
Your death will last much longer than your pain.
milkweedangel Sep 2018
I delay eating
and sleeping
and crying
and emotions
like they’re doctors visits
I can’t afford
It’s not healthy
milkweedangel Apr 29
restless, anxious
i realized lying down was useless
reading, i decided
could be a good escape
from this squeezing panic

but when i opened the book
hurting, falling
i started to cry.

but it wasn't sad
i hadn't been sad
i think

i thought


i don't know where these tears
are coming from
or why
so

i just
put the book back.
and lean against my bed

why does everything hurt lately?
i don't know what memories the book triggered, there was nothing in my head. the reasons behind my emotions have become so detached and distant lately
milkweedangel Mar 2019
The distance creeps up on you
like the ocean tide
a little more every day
lapping further up your legs
you don’t even realise it
until you’re up to your waist
in seawater
and they’re all the way back there
on the beach
Funny how that happens
milkweedangel Sep 2018
I have come so far,
but is it far enough?
All of these 10w come out that way, I never intend on the length
milkweedangel Apr 2018
I
thought
simply

I
worried
simply

I
told
myself

I
talked
it
through

And
I
know.

I
do
know

It
is
okay

I
don’t
have
to be anxious

But
God,
I am

Give
me
peace

Because
my
mind

Is
spinning
worrying

I
am
anxious

I
shouldn’t
be.

But
I
am

Let
me
sleep

please.
You know when you’ve talked it through in your head and you know logically everything is okay but you can’t help worry it isn’t and just....yeah. That.
milkweedangel Jan 2018
i can’t lie down
everything
Must
stay

P e r f e c t
and
S t r a i g h t

it’s so Neat
and Tidy
in my room

i mustn’t mess up
a single
thing

or i won’t
be able
to
breathe

again.
It’s only this bad when I panic I swear
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