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8.7k · Nov 2018
Careless Time
milkweedangel Nov 2018
I don’t know why I keep going back
hopeful maybe now someone will have cared
why would time make someone care more
when they never cared to begin with?
Time is careless, people are time
hurt is timeless
it stays when they leave
I am lonely
and always missing someone
no matter what careless time it is
I guess I just still wish they cared as much as I did
8.4k · Jun 2018
milkweedangel Jun 2018
I told myself it doesn’t matter
I don’t care
i don’t care
i dont care
but it hurts
it hurts
it  h u r t s

What did I do?
Why don’t you care about me anymore?
Why did you hurt me like this?
I thought we were friends for the long haul
I thought we were friends
I thought

I thought
was worth more

I thought
was done being used

I thought
loved me too

I thought
hurt me
like this

I was wrong
I was wrong
I was wrong

It hurts.
I don’t get it
8.1k · Feb 2018
Friendships (haiku)
milkweedangel Feb 2018
Time to think about
All the friendships I ruined
By having feelings
if I never told you you’d hurt me maybe we’d still be friends
7.6k · Jan 2018
milkweedangel Jan 2018
I guess I didn’t think
not wanting to read a book
because of my religion
would be this big of a deal

Certainly not to the extent
that you’d pretend I didn’t
exist anymore and I wonder
are you for real?
Things ended up working out as it was a lot of confusion over missed messages, but at the time it was hurtful
7.2k · Jan 2018
milkweedangel Jan 2018
Please don’t hate me
I value your friendship so much
But ever since our conversation yesterday
you haven’t been in touch

What I said wasn’t wrong
and I know I did my part to make it easy
I tell myself if you’re that kind of person I don’t need you
But you’re my friend so please don’t hate me
I miss you so I cry
because you always make me smile
you who makes me like myself
why are we separated by so many miles?

My sunshine are you well?
I know you always try
To do your best and send me love
and I miss you so I cry
I swear when we chat I like you
But when you tag those posts I frown
Sometimes you seem so passive aggressive
or petty and I can’t stand seeing you around

I don’t know how to tell you your behaviour
is sabotaging yourself and you haven’t a clue
Sometimes you seem like someone I’d hate
But I swear when we chat I like you
So many of you I do not like
but I’m too scared of conflict to say goodbye
I actually prefer a small social circle
But I keep acting like a social butterfly

You few that I love and value so much
lately our friendship seems a distant strike
We’re all busy and I understand but I’m stuck with
So many of you that I do not like
My down to earth friend please don’t hate me
For our friendship was more than just fluff
My sunshine friend don’t be sad or cry
You’re doing your best and you’re more than enough
I don’t know how else to fix things
and I don’t know how to end them
Lately friendship has brought me stress and tears
But I fear it’s all because I’m dumb
Friendship is hard
7.1k · Jan 2018
milkweedangel Jan 2018
Soon enough I’ll see you
and I’ll feel okay and loved
and glad

But while I wait I’ll just be
anxious and up all night
and sad

For everyone else is so hard to communicate with
and other friendships are just bad
Our talks on the phone always make me happy and feel better. But later on I feel bad again and mostly I just can’t wait to see you on Saturday and hug you. Your friendship is the only one that has always been easy. I miss you
7.0k · Oct 2018
milkweedangel Oct 2018
You can be a lot of people’s friend
without having a single friend yourself
Something to remember
6.8k · Jun 2018
FriEND pt 2
milkweedangel Jun 2018
She didn’t treat you like a friend
so stop feeling bad for no longer trying to be her’s
stop caring so much
3.6k · Dec 2017
Crystal S(no)w (more)
milkweedangel Dec 2017
Crystal Snow sounds so beautiful
But it really just burns and cuts
The whole way down
Crystal Snow is sadness
2.8k · Dec 2017
Kim Jonghyun
milkweedangel Dec 2017
"A star that shined brightly on stage for 10 years, now a star of the skies."

I thought those words were beautiful.
I thought the words you said on your radio show
We're beautiful too

But beautiful words
Can't hide the pain
Or the weight
Of everything you felt
And the way you left

When you're the one
Giving out the light
It must be even harder
To see it yourself

When you're the one
Sending out hope
It must be so hard
To keep any for yourself

You worked so hard
Thank you.
I know you didn't hear that enough
Thank you.

I'm sorry.
For all the pain you felt
I'm sorry.
That this seemed like the only way

You could finally get peace
and rest.

I didn't know you,
not at all.
But others did,
they knew you.

And from them
through them
I know you were a beautiful person.

Your words that I read now
too late
But still beautiful
Still comforting
I wish we could have given
something like them
back to you.

I'm sitting here crying
but I didn't know you.
So how much more
must those who did be hurting?

Your members
Your family
Your friends
Your fans

Even someone like me,
a stranger,
I feel their pain

We're sorry.
We're sorry we couldn't ease your pain enough
And we're sorry that you are gone
Your loss is felt

Perhaps as heavy as your pain.

may you rest in peace
for all the peace
you brought to the broken lives
of others.

The world lost some light today
but maybe you are indeed
Shining down your light
from the skies now instead

But more than that
I just hope
you are finally at peace now

Rest well Kim Jonghyun.
Rest well.
“Is there anyone out there that is crying alone tonight? Not crying out of pity for something or someone, but instead because they cannot help asking why they are living in the way that they are? Is there anyone that is feeling sentimental or guilty, needlessly? Don’t be like that. I hope that you believe that these bitter days of crying alone will prove to be the most beautiful days of your life. You’ll realize, with time, that your life is actually pretty alright. I promise you. In fact, I’ll write you a guarantee! The most beautiful thing in all the world is right now. This moment. You. Don’t ever forget that.” - Kim Jonghyun.
2.0k · Sep 2018
milkweedangel Sep 2018
lately my mind stops me
when i’m happy
to tell me the things
that bring me happiness
either make me pathetic
or should be something else
but what’s really pathetic
is how i can’t let myself
be happy
Maybe it’s pathetic but it’s nice to pretend they’re my friends
1.6k · Jan 2018
milkweedangel Jan 2018
It’s clawing—
I can’t breathe—
I have to move—
I can’t breathe!
I have to go—
I can’t breathe—!
I have to work—
I can’t b r e a t h e — !


The music has to be louder
I can’t hear
I can’t breathe
Louder louder LOUDER!
Just drown the anxiety out—

Clean—you have to clean!
I can’t think
I can’t think!
It’s too messy
You have too much stuff
Go through go through it!
If you get rid of it it’ll be better
I can’t breathe

Wash the sheets
Dust the shelves
Line up line up
Straighten this
Straighten that
Not straight enough
Clean more—
It’s not working
I can’t breathe
Oh God
Faster faster
More more

There’s nothing left
I did it all
It’s not enough
L o u d e r
I can’t breathe
I can’t breathe!
It’s clawing—
It’s bursting!

Shut up
Shut up—
Shut up!
S H U T  U P

I can’t breathe.
I love panic attacks at 2am that make me clean obsessively
1.6k · Aug 2019
milkweedangel Aug 2019
it cuts me up so badly
on the inside
i wish i was cut up
on the outside
1.6k · Dec 2017
Four in the Morning
milkweedangel Dec 2017
Four in the morning
I crawl back into bed
Missing you hurts
Like the throb in my head
I hope you’re asleep
With sweetest soft dreams
I hope your heart doesn’t feel
Like it’s coming apart at the seams
I pray your mind isn’t running
On a cold hateful loop
I pray you fell asleep exhausted
Like a hard run troop
Four in the morning
I wish you were here
Drying my eyes
I selfishly want you near
A song on endless repeat
Doesn’t say the words I need to know
Black ink on paper
Only makes this cavern grow
A metal blade is no comfort
I don’t want its bite tonight
A sugary handful of chocolate
Won’t make me feel alright
Four in the morning
I start to hate my bed
Missing you hurts
Like the throb in my head
1.4k · Jan 2018
One Month
milkweedangel Jan 2018
One month and you’re still gone
One month and you’re not here
One month and I still miss you
One month and I’m still grieving
One month and God knows how many tears
But it’s one month still the same

Some days I wondered how I’d keep going
Sometimes I could barely hold myself together
Somedays I thought maybe I was healing
Sometimes I thought maybe I wasn’t
One month and God knows how much pain
But it’s one month still the same

I still don’t sleep well and I’m still afraid of dreams
I still can’t listen to your music for fear of breaking down
I still see that everyone misses you
I still cry and grieve and wish it wasn’t true
One month and God knows how it hurts
But it’s one month still the same

It’s one month and you’re still gone
It’s one month and you’re still an angel
It’s one month and you’re still missed so much
It’s one month and it hasn’t really mended
One month and God knows how you’re doing
But it’s one month still the same

We miss you, one month, two and thirty
We miss you, cause you’re way up there
We love you, though it hurts like hell
We love you, one year, two and thirty
One month and God knows that we’re healing
But it’s one month still the same

It’s one month, and I know we’re hurting
It’s one month, but time still heals
It’s one month, and I’m still crying but
It’s one month, and we’ll keep going
One month and God knows all that happened
But it’s one month still the same

We miss you

I wanted to buy you a rose but no one was selling. I’m not sure what I would have done with it anyway, but...I thought of you a lot today.
977 · Feb 2018
milkweedangel Feb 2018
I don’t actually call often but I wish I did because I always miss your voice
977 · Sep 2018
Self harm
milkweedangel Sep 2018
[trigger warning]

I dragged my nails up my thigh.
The             scarred half.
I didn’t do it very hard
But I know a normal person
would think              it hurts

And I guess I was hoping
that after 2 years
maybe my pain tolerance
would’ve faded                  a bit.
or reverted back to normal

But it didn’t hurt at all
I know I’d need a blade
And I wouldn’t do that
because a blade would mean
100 cuts on each thigh
                               hands  s h a k i n g
because even though my mind
doesn’t feel the pain
my body                     does.
and feeling so
because I don’t know how to stop
if I can
and  oh  G o d  what have I done

So I just used my nails
even though that’s really
                             foolish flirting.

And all I felt was      hollow
because even now
my mind blanks out
and needs physical pain
to deal with the emotional
but it doesn’t help
and I know this
but it’s just

And yet

The guilt and shame

The pain feels  g o o d
but the side effects
feel     worse.

I know I can’t go back there
especially not
2 weeks from my new job
but I want to

even now
I  w a n t  to.

I’m weak.
I just hate how I’ve come so far but I still don’t know what else to do when I feel this bad
935 · Feb 2018
Just do it
milkweedangel Feb 2018
It’d be easier to sleep the sadness away
but my depression never wants me to do that
It’d be helpful to talk about how I feel
but my anxiety never wants me to do that
It’d be healthier to look after myself better
but my self hate never wants me to do that

The list goes on but basically
Sometimes you have to look at your inner enemies and say “no”
Sometimes you have to get over yourself and say “not today”
Sometimes you have to look at yourself in the mirror and say “stop giving in, you deserve better”
Sometimes you have to say “**** it”
And just go take care of yourself like you need to
I’m not one to use language but sometimes it’s the most suitable word. Not really a poem but something I wanted to get out there
Also I know sleeping away the sadness could be perceived as a bad thing, but in my context I tend to stay up all night feeling sad instead of just sleeping on it and getting up at a decent time

Go take care of yourself like you ought to
864 · Feb 20
milkweedangel Feb 20
i remind myself
you can’t feel
a wound on your skin
as it heals
but little by little
it is

so the wounds
on my heart
must be the same

i should be patient.
even if i can’t feel it, it must be happening
841 · Aug 2018
Whalien 52
milkweedangel Aug 2018
In this lonely ocean
where my hertz is far above the others
I spend my days
hoping for a different tomorrow
I swim in this ocean and it’s big and scary
and dark and cold and bitter
And it is only just my own voice
that echos back to me when I cry

In this lonely ocean I found the reflection
of the moon up above the surface
and even a lonely whale like me
was less lonely by her light
So I talked to the moon
and I cried to the moon
and I told her “I’m so lonely,
even though you can’t hear me
anymore than anyone else
I think you must be lonely too”
“For you’re up in the sky
and the sky is as vast
and unforgiving as the sea
and it’s only you that I see up there
the same as I only see me.”

And the waves are loud
and the sea is dark
but I heard her voice,
it was lonely and sad
and I saw her tears,
they splashed down
on to my face
and they were the bitterest water
I ever tasted
and it was the saddest voice
I ever heard

And I cried.

And I realised the frequency of my hertz
wasn’t 52, but lonely sadness

And if the moon had hertz
her’s is the same
as mine

Which is why she heard me
and cried

And she is all the way up there
and I am all the way down here
But if you send your song out
one day it will reach tomorrow
Her light may take awhile to reach the earth
the same way my voice takes a long time to reach the surface
But they met each other
and returned to us
So even in this vast ocean
and even in the vast sky
Two voices met
and loneliness we could see
became a little less obvious
and a little less painful
And this lonely whale had a friend
who heard her hertz
and loved her.

So this lonely whale
continued to send her voice out
because she knew that she was heard.
And she continued to swim
towards the blue surface
towards tomorrow
Inspired by the amazing song “Whalien 52” by BTS and my beautiful friend Amira. Happy birthday, sweetheart. I love you so much. ❤️
836 · Dec 2017
I Remember
milkweedangel Dec 2017
I remember
Laughing until we couldn’t breathe
In the back of my mom’s car
And I remember
How just a month before
I started struggling with self harm

I remember
Laughing until I couldn’t breathe
Over the phone as you drove your car
And I remember
How just a day later
You would loose a friend

I remember
Crying together over the phone
Feeling so angry and helpless
And I remember
How just a few months before
You cut again

I remember
Crying while we texted
And asking you why it hurt so much
And I remember
How you told me
It was because my heart was too big

I remember
Telling you about the life
That died inside of my mom
And I remember
How the night of your 16th birthday
You almost died

I remember
Telling each other
That one day life would get better
And I remember
How we both wanted to die
More than we wanted to live

I remember
Holding each other for hours
Because we were both falling apart
And I remember
How no one else knew
That you were the only reason I was still alive

I remember
Holding you after months
Of pain and not communicating
And I remember
How small you felt
In my arms despite your height

I remember
Eating steak and pancakes together
In your kitchen at midnight
And I remember
How you were the only one
Who ever noticed when I lost weight

I remember
Eating cake on my 18th birthday
And how you wore a unicorn onesie
And I remember
How aware I was of the fact
That neither of us thought we’d see that day

I remember
Watching LOTR at your house
Screaming when Legolas was on screen
And I remember
How much fun I had
Despite my recent diagnosis

I remember
Watching you on stage
As you were your final and best role
And I remember
How we met in the very same place
9 and 10 with too much pain between us

I remember
Talking to you about Star Wars
While we were supposed to play kickball
And I remember
How you were the only person
Who never told me to shut up

I remember
Talking together on your couch
While our dads talked in the kitchen
And I remember
How we both talked
And listened just as much as we needed

I remember
Writing poems for each other
Because email could cross the distance
And I remember
How words couldn’t really express
The fear you felt in your own home

I remember
Writing Brightsoul for the first time
Because you had named me Lightheart
And I remember
How those names were wishes
And promises of what we saw past the pain

I remember
Missing you so much
My insides felt all cut up and bleeding
And I remember
How hearing your voice
Was enough to get me through the week

I remember
Missing all the good things
Your parents ought to have given you
And I remember
How we fed fish and ducks
And tried to figure out how to make it better

I remember
Feeling so sad I couldn’t move
So I stayed on the couch the whole day
And I remember
How proud of you I was
When your name followed “Highest Honors”

I remember
Feeling each other’s hands
In our hair as we styled it for fun
And I remember
How scared you were
As we hid in your room when that man came

I remember
Knowing the names
Of all the men who’d ever hurt you
And I remember
How much I wanted to run
To your house to punch your father’s face

I remember
Knowing the same God
That had never once left us
And I remember
How you pulled me behind you
To protect me from that oncoming vehicle

I remember
Growing older with you
But still loving unicorns the same
And I remember
How you were never really
As young as you should have been

I remember
Growing the unicorn
That you brought back from Florida
And I remember
How we named a turtle Andy
In the midst of my two good months

I remember
Leaving the flip flops I bought at the mall
At your house all summer
And I remember
How you cried
When I kissed your forehead goodnight

I remember
Leaving abusive friendships
Was something we both had to do
And I remember
How “We Don’t Have To Dance”
Was a song we could both feel ourselves in

I remember
Smiling was something we were both
Really good at faking
And I remember
How you were the only person
Who could make me believe I was cute

I remember
Smiling as I gave you a puzzle
For Mother’s day that had glitter on it
And I remember
How you made me fancy hot chocolate
With your love and Starbucks skills

I remember
Breaking down at 3AM
And thinking I must be loosing my mind
And I remember
How the thought of you kept me alive
For one more night in Mordor

I remember
Breaking your own microwave was
Something you thought of doing to see me
And I remember
How time didn’t heal like we thought it would
But somehow it was okay

I remember
How bad always followed good
And life always followed death
How I cried more than I laughed
But always felt better with you
How you heard more lies than truth
But believed what I told you
And how somehow we were still together
And somehow we stayed alive
And how no matter what I always knew that
Are my best friend and
Am your Sam and
I think
We’ll be okay because
Are Lightheart and Brightsoul and
For my Brightsoul, always <3
754 · Jan 2018
The Truth
milkweedangel Jan 2018
it’s hard for me
to accept that it hasn’t been a few weeks
or even a few months
but years

of feeling
like this
all of the time

it’s been years
but i like to pretend
it’s just a few weeks here and


like it really is

i don’t want it to be
like this
all the time

but it is
and i’m still sad
and pained

there’s always something new isn’t there?

the truth *****
i miss pretending
but it’s been years and i’m afraid

i’ve only gotten worse at
lying to myself
It’s easy to be truthful in the middle of the night, but the morning brings silence
752 · Jan 2018
Mood Drop
milkweedangel Jan 2018
A mood drop is simply proof
That you don’t always feel like this
So when your mood plumets down
When your happiness ends
Remember this love,
It’s not always this way
And happiness will come ‘round again
You’ll be okay <3
747 · May 2019
milkweedangel May 2019
Heavy and sleepless
my heart is inert
Tearful and dreamless
my soul is hurt
744 · Sep 2018
Word vomit
milkweedangel Sep 2018
How much coping is okay
before you become pathetic?
Everything goes so fast
and I’m not sure I can even hold on
Crying in my closet
only serves to help my breathing calm down
but in the long run
I’ll still be crying again
I can’t drive
or make phone calls
because of my anxiety
How can I call myself an adult?
Everyone else is running so far ahead
I’m so scared of being left behind again
And yet
Opportunities present themselves to me
And I run for them
I work hard
but I’m never satisfied
and it’s never good enough
yet still I run
I don’t want to let them go
But it’s overwhelming
and I’m not enough
I don’t understand
how people blame God
for their circumstances or
I still find myself apologising to Him
for the way that I am
Everything feels like a personal failure
I could’ve prevented
It’s hard to find balance
it’s hard to discern truth
it’s hard to know
what to believe inside of myself
I’ll still keep moving
because it’s all I know how to do
because there are people
I can’t let down
But I need a break
I need a rest
The world is overwhelming
and scary
And I’m still trying to find
my courage
and strength
I’m still hurting
and I’m still here
just me
Just a word ***** to get out
739 · Jan 2018
milkweedangel Jan 2018
I wish you’d defend your own body
Like you do those of animals
I wish you’d love your own special quirks
Like you do those of animals
For if seals can be fat and zebras can have marks
Why can’t you?

And if that animal isn’t ugly despite its oddness
If those things make it beautiful and fun and amazing
Why doesn’t the same apply to you?
Why do you insist such mean things about yourself
When animals are exactly the same?

My love I believe
beauty applies to you too
and I’m hoping that you’ll start to see that
you’re just as beautiful as the animal kingdom

So stop shaming yourself
with thoughts that you aren’t
We’re so quick to defend animals called ugly I wish we’d do the same for ourselves
696 · Jan 2018
I wish
milkweedangel Jan 2018
I wish I could sleep
I wish I would eat
I wish I would do anything
Other than the things I keep

I wish I was happy
I wish I was smart
I wish I was anything
Other than everything I already

I wish you would sleep
I wish you could heal
I wish you could feel anything
Other than all the pain that keeps

I wish you were happy
I wish you were safe
I wish you were everything
You already are to me but to

Those are lovely wishes but
I really wish
I would just do anything
other than lie on the floor

and feel sad.
Wishes for you and me don’t really change anything
milkweedangel Jan 2018
It’s almost been a month
Since you died
Since you
Took your own life

It’s funny how I really
Didn’t know you at all
Before you died
But even now
I miss you

Even now I’m scared
To sleep
Because of what I might dream
I don’t want those dreams
Where I could almost
Save you
But am just a little
Too late

I don’t want those dreams
Where it’s not only you
But him too

I don’t want dreams

I try not to think
About you too much
Because avoiding my own grief
Is what I’m best at
But when I do
I keep wondering
Why can’t I wake up?

Why isn’t this a dream?
Why can’t you come back?
Oh ——, why did you have to go?

And there’s my grief
And their grief
And her grief
And his grief
All of this grief
And still I try to run

I can’t escape
Like you did
Or did you?
I’m not so sure

Because you can’t end your pain
It just lives on

Including me.

I miss you
I’m sorry
I wish you were here
I wish we all didn’t have to live
With your loss
And nothing we can do
To fix it
Or make it better

It’s just awful
And painful

I guess that’s what suicide really is
The eternalising of pain
In everyone

It still hurts
Even now I avoid your music your mentions your pictures.
673 · Dec 2017
milkweedangel Dec 2017
(i’m so tired)
(me, please)
(it hurts)
(just let me sleep)
*(my heart is sleep deprived)
If you feel like crying because you’re so exhausted and tired due to insomnia, but you’re too tired to actually cry. Just write a poem about it
660 · Sep 2018
Things you can’t forget
milkweedangel Sep 2018
Like pieces of dog fur
from my childhood dog
on an old coat
And pieces of cat litter
we haven’t used in months
on my bedroom floor
I find pieces of hurt
and wounds that didn’t heal
in my heart
and mind
whenever the seasons
and they always take me
by surprise
even though they were here
once before
There’s always something you missed
606 · Aug 2019
It's all in the name pt.2
milkweedangel Aug 2019
You named me
but made it heavy

You called me
but gave me darkness
And so with that I had to leave the gift-name behind and give myself a new one
606 · Apr 2018
Before Our Spring
milkweedangel Apr 2018
You told me to wait
for spring to come
to me
to you

It’s true what you said
the cold and frozen winter
remains here
lingers on

So I wonder if that’s why
you aren’t here anymore
to see
feel spring

It’s true winter feels so long
waiting is unbearable
for me
for you

And that’s why I hope
you understand that
your tears
your sadness

I can’t forget them any more
than you could
it hurts
it hurts

More than the spring
it’s you that I miss
my angel
my love
You weren’t contagious and I wish I could have told you that
585 · Jun 2018
Question marks
milkweedangel Jun 2018
It’s kind of sad
how we both phrase our
emotions and needs
as a question
as if we still need permission
for them to be right
and okay
We both do this all the time and it makes me sad. We never stop questioning ourselves
582 · Nov 2018
Rise above
milkweedangel Nov 2018
“Rise above, rise above”
I say to myself over and over
But all I can do is sink
weighed down by the love I poured into your life
that you have so unceremoniously dumped back into my arms
without a word

i drown.
Some people will make you feel horrible when you’re with them and even after they leave you
553 · Sep 2018
milkweedangel Sep 2018
The seasons are changing
and the need to leave returns
I want to run away with you
Somewhere we haven’t been
Far enough to be new
Close enough to be old
Let’s pack our bags, my love
let’s run away for awhile
just to see how it feels
just to see if we can outrun
the sadness and the pain
the fear and the anger
at least for a season
let’s run away, love
I’m tired of being here
and like the birds who fly south
I need a new sky
I need a new landscape
to make it through the winter
and heal
The changing of the seasons always makes me want to leave
529 · Apr 2018
April 8th 2018
milkweedangel Apr 2018
Celebrating your birthday without you is painful
but pretending it’s not today would be worse

we miss you
Continue to rest well, angel
521 · Apr 2018
milkweedangel Apr 2018
It’s just seems so unfair
that you were stuck in winter
far more than any other season
Especially since you were
the one who finally broke winter
for so many others
Why are the bright souls dealt so much darkness
milkweedangel Feb 2018
i realized that while i'm an easy person
to have as a friend
i'm a rather difficult person
to be a friend to
and i realize the biggest reason for this
is my lack of honesty
well it's not that i'm always lying
but it's not that i never lie
it's just that i stay silent
more than i talk
because it's

and though i understand the reasons
behind my habits and behaviors
i don't want to remain this way so
i'm trying to be
more direct and honest
and it *****.

i'm ending friendships that i never liked
and i'm trying to be more direct
with my pain or
in the ones i value

i'm trying to be a more honest person
but it's hard
and my non-confrontional hide
hates every second of it

"close your mouth, close your mouth
"stop this nonsense and spare their feelings
"close your mouth, close your mouth
"who cares about the long run, right now it's hell
"close your mouth, close your mouth
"i hate this and so do they
"close your mouth and stop being so honest
"i'm begging you just close your mouth."

closing my mouth has led to
abuse and manipulation and  
misery and toxicity
so i'm opening my mouth
though it ***** and hurts
i'm opening my mouth so that
little by little
maybe my heart can open up too

heart on my sleeve like people think it is
God knows i'm trying
to just be more open and
This year I wanted to work on choosing my friends more carefully, which includes cutting some off. I hate confrontation and being honest about my feelings, but I'm trying, because I'm sick of being so miserable
516 · Aug 2018
milkweedangel Aug 2018
To be honest
when I look at you
all I see are truths.

I see the true version of myself
in your eyes and smile and words you speak
I see that I am strong, cute, loved, smart, and beautiful inside and out
I see that I am a good friend and a good person.

I cannot see those things, by looking at myself with only my eyes
But I can see them, by looking at myself with your eyes.

When I look at you I see the truth
that God is good and life is good
and good people still exist.

I see the truth that pain does not make someone ugly
that kindness is not weak
that love is not owed
and beauty starts in the heart.

I see the truth that even someone as lovely as you
can feel that she is anything but
because of people around her.
I see that truth and know that certainly
it could apply to me as well.

I see the truth that the kindest people
are hurt as much as they love
I see that they are also blessed
but not as much as those who know them.

I see the truth that the devil may fill your mind with lies
but your heart will always speak truth over me.

When I look at you,
all I see are truths
and a girl who has been lied to
far too many times
but still looks for truth
and doubts herself
but never that she loves me.
so I hope that she will never doubt
that I love her
and I hope that I too,
can be a mirror of truths for her
the same way she is always one for me.

I hope when you look at yourself
you will see the truths I see
Because your truths
will always be more than your lies,
my love
For L, in response to your “Honest” here is mine. I cried writing this. I love you <3
514 · Jun 2018
milkweedangel Jun 2018
I hope that you will always remember
it’s not that your father
deserved better children
It’s that you deserved
a better father
my love
For L <3
497 · Apr 2018
milkweedangel Apr 2018
Tonight I finally got the courage
or desperation
to listen to the album you left us
I don’t know whether or not it’s helping
or healing
but if each tear that falls
is a drop of heaviness and pain
leaving my body like you said
then I’ll keep listening
and letting my tears fall
Even though I’ve lost people before, the fact that time will never bring them back never gets easier or less painful. Time may heal, but only so much
496 · Dec 2017
The Artist
milkweedangel Dec 2017
There’s an artist in the back of the ambulance
she painted her canvas red
with brushes of silver
and buckets of blood
she painted until she was dead

There’s an artist in the back of the ambulance
the canvas she used was her skin
open scars of silver
and rivers of blood
she painted out all of her sin

There’s an artist in the back of the ambulance
the picture she painted was pain
with tears of silver
and tears of blood
she painted a scene of red rain

There’s an artist in the back of the ambulance
she painted the sound of her scream
lying words of silver
and masks of blood
she painted herself into a dream

There’s an artist in the back of the ambulance
her masterpiece broke her mom’s heart
with IV’s of silver
and flatline of blood
she painted her young soul apart

There’s an artist in the back of the hearse
she painted her mom’s crying sound
with blades of silver
and her own blood
she painted herself into the ground
489 · Feb 2018
Opening night
milkweedangel Feb 2018
I feel like I’ve been stuck
on dark opening night for years
of this show that I like to put on
in order to hide my deepest fears

And I’ve tried to close the curtains
and I’ve tried to switch my role
but this show keeps up its record run
so I pretend to bare my soul

So here I am pretending
faithfully reciting these tired old lines
with a painted smile I say the words
that I’ve used a thousand times

But since nobody else has realised yet
that this fake show has long since begun
I’ll keep playing this part in a show that I hate
the show that’s  put on for no one
Actors are well loved so I guess it’s not the worst
447 · Apr 2018
milkweedangel Apr 2018
You annoy me
you frustrate me
you don’t meet my standards
or hopes
you don’t do as much as I want
you don’t work as hard as I want
in all ways and forms
you are not what I want
or like
or am proud of

But we’re going to be together
for the rest of our life
so one of us needs to change
and you’ve been changing
and growing
steadily and surely
so that must mean it’s my turn
to recognise that
and give you credit
and accept you as you are

It’s not you who needs to
be better or change
it’s me who needs to love you
as you are
at this very moment
in all your frailty
and imperfections
I’m sorry it took me so long
to realise this
but I’ll try
to accept me for who I am

knowing that this version of myself
is precious and worthy too
Love Yourself is a tough concept but I’m always working on it, despite constant set backs
442 · Jan 2018
I’m Not Bad
milkweedangel Jan 2018
I’m not doing bad
but I’m not doing great
stuck in a limbo
that doesn’t equate

You are my friend
but you don’t care enough
She was my friend
and she cared too much

I’m an anxious mess
but I pretend that I’m not
Your family is a mess
and you are distraught

I hate my photo ID
and my pale pasty skin
But beautiful tan skin
is shamed in South Korea

I’m really trying hard
but it’s never my best
No matter what I do
there’s a pain in my chest

I’m loosing weight
but it’s not my intent
You’re stuck wanting to
cause your mum tears you up

I pray to my God
but not often enough
You pray to another
but our friendship isn’t tough

I hit 1,000 followers
with my messy blog
You whine a lot
and that’s why no one asks

I think I lost hope
for my future dreams
But you are Hope
and you rap my screams

You’re warm and grounded
like a grandparent of sorts
My real grandma
has never been okay

I got scared
because you cared so fast
But I tried to keep it down
since I know it’s from my past

My aunt has cancer
and so did my grandpa
Your mom has cancer
in the words she speaks

I don’t ever sleep
but I wish I would
Dreams that I have often
take what rest I could

I cry more often
than I think about death
But yours still hurts me
more than I say

I like and hate myself
for reasons I can’t change
You say you love yourself
I’m glad it’s not strange

I don’t say the words
that everyone should hear
I promised I’d be open
but I’m a filthy liar

I’m not doing good
I’ve been feeling bad of late
I’m stuck in this hell
but life’s never been great
Opposites and parallels and lots of different people. Mostly a ***** of words I meant to say and thoughts stuck in my head
440 · Aug 2018
milkweedangel Aug 2018
i hate when i can’t cry
like i need to.
this hurt is so desperate to get out
and crying is the only healthy way i know how
why are my tears always there when i don’t want them
and never when i do?
I just want a good cry
439 · Apr 2018
milkweedangel Apr 2018
im on the verge of tears again
im about to cry

but it’s not the grief
it’s there of course

no i think it’s the stress
im putting myself under
by constantly replaying my every action
and word

id love to stop of course
more than anything
id love to stop

but im so worried lately
it’s eating me up,
to tell the truth
this worry
this anxiety
it’s really eating me alive

because im so worried
so convinced
in my sad little mind
that none of you like me anymore
im sure im annoying you
bothering you
im sure you must be tired of me
sick of me
done with me

so i have to keep replaying
everything i do
in case somehow
some way
i can fix some part of myself
so that you’ll like me again
or at least not hate me

and im sure this is all in my head
but the delays between messages
the distance
the not noticing
(or is it ignoring?)
i see it and i worry
and im anxious
that i will be all alone again
because you’re sick of me
and im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
i am so sorry

but im trying
so very hard
so any word
you could spare
would make this weight
just a little less
and a little more

please dont leave me

im sorry im me

im sorry
For some reason my self confidence plummeted really bad again. I have no confidence in the fact that I have good likeable things about me anymore
439 · Jul 2018
milkweedangel Jul 2018
It’s not that signs weren’t there
i knew i’d been spending a lot
sleeping a lot or not at all
tired a lot
heavy chested a lot
a lot a lot a lot of
sadness and
heaviness and
lack of those happy things
i so desperately try to
It’s not that all of those things
haven’t been there it’s just i
really wanted to blame them on
the heat and being tired and anxiety and
anything other than depression.

i don’t want to spend another summer depressed.
i don’t want to feel this way.
i don’t want to be crying at 7pm.
i don’t want to admit it’s back.

please just let me be tired
just let me be anxious
just let me be unmotivated
just let me be adjusting
just let me be anything
but depressed again

please let me have those good happy weeks of summer
let me be light and bubbly

i want to match the weather
not my heart

you’re young
                            be happy
you’re out of school
                                      be happy
you’re blessed with so much
                                                    be happy
it’s warm
                  be happy
it’s summer
                      be happy
be happy
be happy
                 be happy.
I should have known when I almost cried because I had to wait an extra day to chop my hair off
434 · Oct 2018
milkweedangel Oct 2018
My mom said my eyes
have that sadness in the back of them
that’s always there
even in my happiest photos
She said it’s the sort
that all hurt people have
the kind that makes you know
that they’ve been through a lot
of really hard things
even if they’re happy and okay now
its something they still carry
inside of them
And it made me think
that maybe that’s why I listen to sad music
to relax and unwind
maybe that’s why I search out
sad and tragic stories
maybe it’s the feeling of home
for a person like me
maybe sadness is the most consistent friend
that I’ve had this whole time
It made me sad but she said it can be inspiring to see too. Bc you know that person is happy now
432 · Sep 2018
Aquarium Tank
milkweedangel Sep 2018
if you’ve ever carried
a glass aquarium tank
full of water
then you know how heavy
water can be
all of the sorrow
has poured itself into tears
which filled up my heart
which is made of glass
that’s why my chest
is so heavy
Where’s the plug to pull?
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