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Apr 29 · 173
emptying
milkweedangel Apr 29
i could remove everything from my room
and bleed all the blood from my body
but these feelings would still be there
empty and empty
but you just won't leave
anxiety or sadness? maybe both
Apr 29 · 54
detached
milkweedangel Apr 29
restless, anxious
i realized lying down was useless
reading, i decided
could be a good escape
from this squeezing panic

but when i opened the book
hurting, falling
i started to cry.

but it wasn't sad
i hadn't been sad
i think

i thought


i don't know where these tears
are coming from
or why
so

i just
put the book back.
and lean against my bed

why does everything hurt lately?
i don't know what memories the book triggered, there was nothing in my head. the reasons behind my emotions have become so detached and distant lately
Apr 29 · 82
dry
milkweedangel Apr 29
dry
my words have dried up again.
my lungs have grown tighter,
the pain sharper,
i wish i could bleed it out.

but i wanted to promise you that i wouldn't anymore
i couldn't make the promise but i wanted to pretend i did
Mar 28 · 71
shatteringly whole
milkweedangel Mar 28
i move through life as though
my heart isn't shattered
in fact
i do it so well
i fool myself
most of the time

until i have a dream
hear a song
see a flower
remember your laugh
and think
oh
oh

and once again i notice
the blood dripping from both
my eyes and my ribs
and i choke on it
morning and nights are for hunched over crying, wishing i just didn't remember
Mar 15 · 80
press play
milkweedangel Mar 15
there are some songs
that feel like i'm ripping my own heart out
with my bare hands
dripping and ******
breaking, still beating

i keep them in a playlist
called "too painful"
for the times i need to know
my heart still works
even if it means
ripping it open again
scarred and healing
hurting, still working

in the same way
i've been keeping the texts you send me
in the back of my mind
with our old memories
raw and painful
fading, still fresh

but i wish i could pick
when to press play
at the moment i am ready
to read them, hear from you
but you send them
when i am hurting most
at the time
they would do the most damage
late and selfish
bleeding, still hopeful

i never intended to press play
but you did it for me
so i break
even now you are selfish in the way that makes you feel good about yourself
Mar 9 · 84
ok
ok
i don't ask
"when will it be okay?"
or
"how will it be okay?"
because i realized that more
than anything else
i don't want it to be ok without you


ever.
it can't be ok when you're not here. i don't want to heal and be happy and not miss you. i just want u to still be with us
Mar 9 · 92
ribcage
it's nights like these
where i fear my chest may cave
from the weight of missing you
Feb 20 · 864
healing
milkweedangel Feb 20
i remind myself
you can’t feel
a wound on your skin
as it heals
but little by little
it is

so the wounds
on my heart
must be the same

i should be patient.
even if i can’t feel it, it must be happening
Feb 14 · 112
Sunshine
milkweedangel Feb 14
your heart is as warm puppy kisses,
your goodness as deep as the sea
the joy that you bring to me and to them
is a little taste of healing,
sweet like the honey,
that runs through your veins,
and pours from your lips
for all of your actions
are a little repose
from the dark of the world,
and the sadness in our hearts,
your sunshine is the sun
through the clouds
on the coldest of days
and you,
in everything you are,
are a blessing.
for Moni <3
Feb 14 · 172
Fairy Kay
milkweedangel Feb 14
little fairy Kay
wakes just before the dawn
she gathers up her paint-stained pails
and runs barefoot o’er her lawn

loyal fairy Kay
with searching warm doe-eyes
she gathers up the buds and dew
to make a sweet surprise

lovely fairy Kay
heart full of wistful dreams
she gathers up her love and joy
and paints gifts of warm sunbeams
for Kay <3
Feb 14 · 247
Sunflower Wishes
milkweedangel Feb 14
you are sunflower wishes
and moonbeams bright
you are soft kitten kisses
and hopes just right
you are cool rainy days
and comforting dreams
you are slow-dancing sways
and the thread to all my seams
for amira <3
Feb 14 · 99
Heart-shaped
milkweedangel Feb 14
the cherry blossoms that grew alongside us
have bloomed early again this year
and the bread your hands
taught me to make
is warm from the oven
wrapped inside a worn cloth
placed in my wicker basket

i see you from across the meadow
as your white sundress blows in the breeze
and your hand grips the hat
that the wind is so apt to steal away
and you smile,
again.
as you often do these days

and the warmth in my heart tells me
that this picnic date will be
even better than the last one
but not as quite as lovely
as the next will be,
my love.

i’m so happy we’re alive.
for mari <3
Feb 4 · 178
softer
i want to write you softer things now,
happier things
words to let you know that i'm
okay
(a letter of sorts)

or at least more okay
than i've been
since you left us
(i miss you)

i want you to know that i made it
once again
through the two hardest months of the year
i know you're proud of me
(thank you)

this time
i was much less alone
this time i had
shoulders to cry on
and faces
to laugh with
and people
to reminisce with
(there is still warmth)

and i did a lot of hurting
and healing
and breaking
and crying
and getting back up again
(there are still reasons to stay)

and if i'm honest,
as you'd want me to be,
it is still very hard.
living without you is still
the most painful thing for me
(i am able to tell people now)

but i'm okay, baby
sometimes i'm taking steps backwards
but my healing is not lost
and neither are you.
(i love you angel)

so together, let's wait for spring again
this year too.
(thank you for being here)
the words in parentheses read as a separate poem too
Feb 4 · 108
Spring Child
a soft child,
the spring child,
with strength like the oldest of trees

a strong child,
the spring child,
with kindness as soft as the breeze

she clings to the lines,
of writers long dead
in an attempt to shake her thoughts free

and she sings all the songs,
of singers well-read
and shares them with you and with me

the strong child,
the spring child,
her soul dances betwixt sky and sea

the soft child,
the spring child,
her loveliness she cannot yet see
for mari <3
Nov 2019 · 144
Me
milkweedangel Nov 2019
Me
i was afraid that if i
erased all of you from my life
if i threw it all out
to start again
that after it was all cleared away
there would be nothing left
but emptiness

yet at the end of it all
after months of cleaning
i found myself
under all of “you”
and “us”
and i learned that i
had many more colors
than you had ever shown me
after clearing you out of my room and working hard so i could replace all id given away, i looked around my room and felt like i finally knew myself
Nov 2019 · 110
conversation
milkweedangel Nov 2019
i wonder if you know
i cried that entire conversation
but i cried the most
when it was over
Nov 2019 · 122
no
milkweedangel Nov 2019
no
having to tell you no
made me hate myself
in a way i never had before
Nov 2019 · 92
nothing’s changed
milkweedangel Nov 2019
why am i still lying here
missing you like this?
i don’t care about
the years we had, only
the years we won’t have
but tonight,
it finally hit me
that nothing’s changed
from when we still talked
but at least now,
it’s only the same old hurts
and not a new one
every week
i missed you the same back when we were still something. but at least now it’s of my own volition and not just at your whims
Aug 2019 · 606
It's all in the name pt.2
milkweedangel Aug 2019
You named me
Lightheart
but made it heavy

You called me
Lightheart
but gave me darkness
And so with that I had to leave the gift-name behind and give myself a new one
Aug 2019 · 1.6k
Cut
milkweedangel Aug 2019
Cut
it cuts me up so badly
on the inside
i wish i was cut up
on the outside
Jun 2019 · 151
Worse off
milkweedangel Jun 2019
I consume any story
with situations worse than mine

it’s a way to prove to myself
that I can survive this

and a way to cry
over anything that is not myself

because crying
might make it real
might make it true

if I don’t cry
it’s not really happening
right?
Jun 2019 · 103
Dry
milkweedangel Jun 2019
Dry
Is my heart drying up?
or just the words?
I cry and cry
over sad dog tales
but I can’t bring myself
to let the tears for
my grandfather and
my friends
slip from my
eyelids
anymore

its heavy.
May 2019 · 145
Pain without words
milkweedangel May 2019
i think that maybe
my chest is so heavy
because i do not have the words
to empty out this pain
of late

i know this must be true
because i think of the physical pain
i could have
often  
as though it’s become so bad
again
that i need something desperate
and permanent
to prove to you
that my pain is here

she asked me to draw butterflies
again
and then she drew one
on her own wrist
so that mine would have a
friend
i cried and after that i
told her i wouldn’t hurt myself
anymore
so i will not go back on that promise

but nonetheless i still wonder
how it is i am to express this pain
if i do not have words
and i do not have wounds
on my skin

it festers
I just want to sleep
May 2019 · 746
Tired
milkweedangel May 2019
Heavy and sleepless
my heart is inert
Tearful and dreamless
my soul is hurt
Apr 2019 · 268
Pain
milkweedangel Apr 2019
i don’t want to go through this again
but i must
i must
i must.
Mar 2019 · 237
Return
milkweedangel Mar 2019
maybe some part of me
has still been waiting
for you to come back
it’s impossible but I’d give anything for you to come back
Mar 2019 · 180
Muffled sobs
milkweedangel Mar 2019
until tonight
i didn’t know i was capable
of such sad noises
Mar 2019 · 154
Pay attention
milkweedangel Mar 2019
to be honest the loneliness
is growing more and more painful
but
i don’t know how
to make you
see
it
Mar 2019 · 146
Sudden
milkweedangel Mar 2019
i missed you tonight
suddenly
without warning

your name sprang
into my mind
and a sob burst out

i thought about
what you said
about pain leaving in tears
one drop at a time
as i cried

but then i wonder
what is the spring
the pain came from
to begin with?

am i just like this?
ah but

why am i asking  
you
angel?

you aren’t here anymore

you’re dead.

that’s why i’m

sad

isnt it?

our sadness may have
had that common spring
but you’re not here to ask
and i’m not sure
you ever found the answer
anyway

from what your last letter said.

so i’ll just
lie here and let the
pain out
like you said
and wonder
if spring
will come late again
this year too.

i miss you angel
it still hurts
but
it doesn’t for you anymore
right?
It’s funny bc the one year anniversary of your death passed fine and I wondered why. Sometimes grieving is delayed. Be at peace angel
Mar 2019 · 186
Pain again
milkweedangel Mar 2019
[[[[[Self harm trigger warning]]]]]








Ah
i want to see my legs bleed again
that’s not
i want to see them covered in cuts
what I want.

(i have to remind myself
that all this means
is that the pain is
growing too strong
on the inside again
and this has been
the only way i could
express how big it was
in the past)

(it does not mean
that i am broken
or bad
or loosing my mind)

(it just means
i am hurting
and i must find
a better way to express that
this time.)

i do not need
pain and blood
to show the depths of my pain
on the inside

anymore

there are other ways

i have found

even if they take longer
to
work

(i am more than my pain)
Yet it is still part of me
Mar 2019 · 152
Distance
milkweedangel Mar 2019
The distance creeps up on you
like the ocean tide
a little more every day
lapping further up your legs
you don’t even realise it
until you’re up to your waist
in seawater
and they’re all the way back there
on the beach
Funny how that happens
Feb 2019 · 396
An ocean of sorts
milkweedangel Feb 2019
My emotions are big
but you don’t drown
or try to pull the plug
you just sit
with me
until they’ve passed

you’re the bravest person
I’ve ever known
To everyone who’s ever just let me feel like I do
Jan 2019 · 273
Indah
milkweedangel Jan 2019
Indah the princess
blows kisses at the moon
in the city of cats she reigns
and protects the harimau
A poem about my friend
Jan 2019 · 284
Pathways
milkweedangel Jan 2019
I’m too sad to sleep
too sad to live

it’s not that I
desire death it’s just

I cannot function  
even to eat or sleep

because of the vast
and heavy sorrow

in my heart
and chest

It’s built up
and swollen

to take up
all the room

inside of my brain
I’m afraid

they say the more
times depression stays

the more pathways
your brain makes

they say eventually
it erases old pathways

you actually forget
how to be happy

and all your brain
remembers is sad

it’s been coming back
since i was 15


I think it’s made too many pathways now

I’m trying so hard
doing all I can but


I’m just


too







sad





i guess.
I took 2 sleeping pills but I still can’t sleep
Dec 2018 · 166
Pieces
milkweedangel Dec 2018
I took a small piece
of everyone’s grief
from the funeral with me
Little shards of broken glass
that stab into my fingers
tearing up my skin
into a mirror of my heart
The small shards
are so heavy and dreadful
that all I can do is cry
death is such a terrible thing
there’s nothing you can say to someone
after their young son has died
I cradle these shards
like I could make something precious of them
but you can’t fix something once it’s dead
so really these shards
are just painful
and harmful
but I carry them just the same
a monument
“Grief is the last act of loving”
Dec 2018 · 261
VIP (10w)
milkweedangel Dec 2018
The worst place to receive
VIP treatment
is a funeral.
The better the treatment the closer you were
Dec 2018 · 383
Lightheart
milkweedangel Dec 2018
It’s only recently that I realised
that Lightheart has nothing to do
with weight or feeling
but everything to do
with the opposite of darkness
and then,
and then.

I knew.
that heaviness does not crush light
and you always see light
in me

my brightsoul. <3
It’s funny how names have multiple meanings like that
Dec 2018 · 259
Today
milkweedangel Dec 2018
I ate my first meal at 5pm
Breakfast was chocolate milk that left me nauseous
(of course it did you’re lactose intolerant)
I spent the morning trying not to cry
and then almost cried before I
went into the job that I love
(it makes you so happy?)
the pit of dread in my stomach
really made me want to die
just crawl into a hole
and cry myself to death
is that even possible?
(dehydration can **** you, have you drunk enough today?)
It’s true I live with the symptoms
of a female heart attack
most days
although I haven’t died yet
(but you could at any moment)
the euphoria from work wore off
I almost cried in the grocery store
after admitting I’m sad enough
to eat cake frosting straight from the jar

Sometimes I wonder why I call my anxiety
“High functioning”
(the avoidance is crippling, isn’t it?)
(but something terrible will happen)
or why I thought the depression was better
(nothing really gets better)
(but death would make them sad)
It was a mess but you just have to keep doing your best
Dec 2018 · 200
Full
milkweedangel Dec 2018
I asked my mom
how could two slices
of a frozen pizza
possibly be filling?
She told me
it was because
my belly is already full
of emotions
The loss of appetite *****
Dec 2018 · 383
Words
milkweedangel Dec 2018
You place your words
as carefully as a bandage
on my bleeding heart
like butterfly kisses
i feel them
and cry
Do you realise how lovely your gentleness is?
Dec 2018 · 163
Used
milkweedangel Dec 2018
Useless
Secret
Everything
Died
It’s pointless to hide
Dec 2018 · 185
Talking
milkweedangel Dec 2018
At the end of our talks
we always reach the same conclusion
that we love each other
very much
but we are both sad
too much
I can’t fix your sadness and you can’t fix mine but it’s ok
Dec 2018 · 106
Painful wishes
milkweedangel Dec 2018
I guess I just wish
you felt even a sliver of the pain
you left me with
But that’s how it goes
Nov 2018 · 582
Rise above
milkweedangel Nov 2018
“Rise above, rise above”
I say to myself over and over
again
But all I can do is sink
weighed down by the love I poured into your life
that you have so unceremoniously dumped back into my arms
without a word

i drown.
Some people will make you feel horrible when you’re with them and even after they leave you
Nov 2018 · 164
Words
milkweedangel Nov 2018
In a world that has seldom been nothing but cruel
The only words you have ever spoken to me
have been love
Thank you
Nov 2018 · 141
Love myself
milkweedangel Nov 2018
I decided I’m done with
that I’m maybe worth enough
to not run after people
who stopped treating me right
or never did to begin with
I’ve decided I won’t be the first
to reach out and fix things
when they were the one
who starting ignoring me
to begin with
you see I’m trying to
love myself and treat myself well
but it’s just that
I still love you more than
myself and it just
hurts like hell
when you never reach back out
and I’m proven right
that I’m really worth
jack-**** to you
and your own ego
is worth more than our friendship
and it’s just that
maybe I’m not worth so much
after all
when everyone always leaves me
like this
Relationships hurt
Nov 2018 · 284
Alone
milkweedangel Nov 2018
Maybe one of these days
someone will put in
like I do
and not leave me
or act like they have
while I’m still here
alone
I refuse to give in again and mend a relationship that only I am holding up.
Nov 2018 · 342
Proof of grief
milkweedangel Nov 2018
What am I trying to prove to myself
by staying awake until the sun comes up?
Why do I always feel the need
to measure or prove my sadness physically
and self destructively
when it hurts
this bad
It’s like a competition with myself
Nov 2018 · 337
Feelings
milkweedangel Nov 2018
You aren’t the only one
with feelings
so I wish
you’d stop acting like you were
Why are you so mean now
Nov 2018 · 272
Lone Visitor
milkweedangel Nov 2018
The pain came alone this time
without the words
it made her presence all the less bearable
I just want to write it out but I can’t

Why isn’t italic working?
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