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Nov 2018 · 197
Much will be asked
milkweedangel Nov 2018
I care too much
I give too much
and that’s why I
hurt so much
Too much
Nov 2018 · 8.7k
Careless Time
milkweedangel Nov 2018
I don’t know why I keep going back
hopeful maybe now someone will have cared
why would time make someone care more
when they never cared to begin with?
Time is careless, people are time
hurt is timeless
it stays when they leave
I am lonely
and always missing someone
no matter what careless time it is
I guess I just still wish they cared as much as I did
Oct 2018 · 7.0k
milkweedangel Oct 2018
You can be a lot of people’s friend
without having a single friend yourself
Something to remember
Oct 2018 · 136
milkweedangel Oct 2018
I’m just Oh


But also oh

Is this even a poem
Oct 2018 · 124
milkweedangel Oct 2018
I would rather be sad
than happy alone
Being happy without those you love is worse than being sad
Oct 2018 · 434
milkweedangel Oct 2018
My mom said my eyes
have that sadness in the back of them
that’s always there
even in my happiest photos
She said it’s the sort
that all hurt people have
the kind that makes you know
that they’ve been through a lot
of really hard things
even if they’re happy and okay now
its something they still carry
inside of them
And it made me think
that maybe that’s why I listen to sad music
to relax and unwind
maybe that’s why I search out
sad and tragic stories
maybe it’s the feeling of home
for a person like me
maybe sadness is the most consistent friend
that I’ve had this whole time
It made me sad but she said it can be inspiring to see too. Bc you know that person is happy now
Sep 2018 · 196
milkweedangel Sep 2018
I just want to be happy
but I feel bad
and when I feel bad
I want to make myself feel worse
but I dont know where this
self destructive tendency
ever did originate from
but I think it breaks
my mom’s heart
a lot
Much more than it ever did mine
Sep 2018 · 976
Self harm
milkweedangel Sep 2018
[trigger warning]

I dragged my nails up my thigh.
The             scarred half.
I didn’t do it very hard
But I know a normal person
would think              it hurts

And I guess I was hoping
that after 2 years
maybe my pain tolerance
would’ve faded                  a bit.
or reverted back to normal

But it didn’t hurt at all
I know I’d need a blade
And I wouldn’t do that
because a blade would mean
100 cuts on each thigh
                               hands  s h a k i n g
because even though my mind
doesn’t feel the pain
my body                     does.
and feeling so
because I don’t know how to stop
if I can
and  oh  G o d  what have I done

So I just used my nails
even though that’s really
                             foolish flirting.

And all I felt was      hollow
because even now
my mind blanks out
and needs physical pain
to deal with the emotional
but it doesn’t help
and I know this
but it’s just

And yet

The guilt and shame

The pain feels  g o o d
but the side effects
feel     worse.

I know I can’t go back there
especially not
2 weeks from my new job
but I want to

even now
I  w a n t  to.

I’m weak.
I just hate how I’ve come so far but I still don’t know what else to do when I feel this bad
Sep 2018 · 228
milkweedangel Sep 2018
It always comes right back to
how can I express pain so deep
if not physically?
Sep 2018 · 300
milkweedangel Sep 2018
I stay up all night again
trying to convince myself I don’t need to make myself feel bad
I don’t need to make myself hurt
in any way my mind comes up with
I can just feel emotions and let them be
can’t i?
Back here again, but with a different poison...
Sep 2018 · 137
Opus (1)
milkweedangel Sep 2018
Little heart that was so strong
you gave and gave
and now you’re gone
My doctor’s therapy dog passed away. He was amazing
Sep 2018 · 198
Big and small
milkweedangel Sep 2018
I think most of the time
I feel so very inconsequential
I am tiny
in stature and weight
and to me
my impact is tiny as well

I think the help I can give
the strength I can offer
is small and
not very great
the same as my body

But the words you write for me
in those words
in your eyes
in your heart
I am overflowing with enough

I am great and big
in love and impact
And I am not so tiny
in importance
to you

Somehow you make me feel
so very big and important
even in the life
of the person who means
so much to me
my lovely Lexie,
whose heart and smile is big
and deep
and always impactful

You make me feel important
and enough

And those are the biggest things
for tiny me
You’re the only one who can write my insecurities into strengths and truth.
Sep 2018 · 206
The best in people
milkweedangel Sep 2018
I think the only thing wrong
with assuming the best in people
is that I take it so far
as to blame everything I can
on myself
so that I can keep assuming the best
in you
That’s not fair to myself
Sep 2018 · 134
Vanishing feelings
milkweedangel Sep 2018
Some people’s feelings
are like your breath in cold air
They hold it in their mouth
just to taste it and warm it up
and then exhale it in a puff
up into the night sky
just to see how it shows up
and vanishes
My feelings last much longer
Sep 2018 · 96
Night air
milkweedangel Sep 2018
The night air carries all of the world’s sorrow
perhaps that’s why the nights are so hard to get through
The night is full of beauty too though
Sep 2018 · 134
Distance (10w)
milkweedangel Sep 2018
I have come so far,
but is it far enough?
All of these 10w come out that way, I never intend on the length
Sep 2018 · 207
milkweedangel Sep 2018
My friends say my aesthetic
is a soft kind of sad
which is good I guess
and what I intend

I used to wear
dark painful colours
to match the intensity
of my feelings
and hurt

But now I wear
soft peaceful colours
to wear down the intensity
of my experiences
and pain

I think there’s too much
tortured intensity
and bright bloodied wounds
in this world

everyone is hurting

So I am resolved
to not ignore the pain
and sadness
for it needs to be addressed

But I will do all I can
to soften it
the way a firm hug
softens broken sobs
The world needs more soft hearts and people
Sep 2018 · 198
Miss me (10w)
milkweedangel Sep 2018
Do you miss me?
For me,
and not for you?
I don’t know if I want you to or not tbh
Sep 2018 · 345
My fault?
milkweedangel Sep 2018
I guess it’s easy to say
I’m not upset or
that I’m just disappointed
But I think the truth is
this really hurts
and I’m sad

I’m sad that
in over the year I spent
pouring into your life
being the best friend I could be
I believed the same of you.

I somehow managed to blame
anything wrong
on myself.
It was my fault for having to leave
I was wrong.

But was it wrong
to need to leave
for my mental health?
Was it my fault
to not have anyone say
so much as

I spent a solid month
feeling guilty and downright
horrible and cruel
for leaving

I spent even longer
telling myself it was my fault
for hurting people
by leaving
and that’s why no one said goodbye

I have better friends now
I’m starting to see better

Because even if someone is sad
or somehow
hurt by someone leaving
if they were a good friend
if they really cared about you
they would say goodbye
they would acknowledge
your needs too

They wouldn’t turn it around
so that you feel guilty
I’d like to think
they’d send you off with encouragement
and well wishes too.

I understand now that
me not getting that
didn’t make me the bad friend
it was another one of those
unequal relationships again.

I’ve grown enough to be
sad for myself
grieved for the younger me
instead of angry
or hating myself over this
and that’s good

I’m happy I have
good friends now
who help me realise these things
simply because of the way they
treat me and
love me and
hype me up, encourage me
ask me to talk too,
not just listen
I’m very blessed now.

I don’t regret the time I spent
loving and pouring into
those old friends
not at all.
But I am sad,
and I am hurt
and I’m still not sure I understand
because I really did believe
the best in each one of you.
I am not stupid for hoping and believing the best in others.
Sep 2018 · 200
Beautiful Security
milkweedangel Sep 2018
Despite everything
you told me life was
truly beautiful
and the conviction you said it with
gave me such security
that everything is worth it
I couldn’t help but
sigh in relief
and smile
albeit a bit tearfully
For Lexie, who never gives up
Sep 2018 · 153
milkweedangel Sep 2018
my pain is never solely my own
for even when it was my body
that i was hurting
and when it was my heart
that was breaking
the people who really loved me
hurt too
because they loved me
and so my pain was their own
the same way their pain is mine

i’ve come to realise that
my story will hurt others
because it was full of my own hurt
and i think i hate that more than anything
more than the pain it held
if it doesn’t hurt me anymore
it shouldn’t hurt them either
but i know it does
and will
because their old pain hurts me too
because i love them

i think love is a mutual kind of pain perhaps
I really hate how this came out but whatever
Sep 2018 · 553
milkweedangel Sep 2018
The seasons are changing
and the need to leave returns
I want to run away with you
Somewhere we haven’t been
Far enough to be new
Close enough to be old
Let’s pack our bags, my love
let’s run away for awhile
just to see how it feels
just to see if we can outrun
the sadness and the pain
the fear and the anger
at least for a season
let’s run away, love
I’m tired of being here
and like the birds who fly south
I need a new sky
I need a new landscape
to make it through the winter
and heal
The changing of the seasons always makes me want to leave
Sep 2018 · 186
Cigar smoke (10w)
milkweedangel Sep 2018
Cigar smoke in the evening air
I miss you grandpa
What a nostalgic smell
Sep 2018 · 660
Things you can’t forget
milkweedangel Sep 2018
Like pieces of dog fur
from my childhood dog
on an old coat
And pieces of cat litter
we haven’t used in months
on my bedroom floor
I find pieces of hurt
and wounds that didn’t heal
in my heart
and mind
whenever the seasons
and they always take me
by surprise
even though they were here
once before
There’s always something you missed
Sep 2018 · 302
milkweedangel Sep 2018
I know I’ll be okay
I know everything will be alright
I know that
But it’s still scary and overwhelming
right now
It’s okay but it’s also not
Sep 2018 · 744
Word vomit
milkweedangel Sep 2018
How much coping is okay
before you become pathetic?
Everything goes so fast
and I’m not sure I can even hold on
Crying in my closet
only serves to help my breathing calm down
but in the long run
I’ll still be crying again
I can’t drive
or make phone calls
because of my anxiety
How can I call myself an adult?
Everyone else is running so far ahead
I’m so scared of being left behind again
And yet
Opportunities present themselves to me
And I run for them
I work hard
but I’m never satisfied
and it’s never good enough
yet still I run
I don’t want to let them go
But it’s overwhelming
and I’m not enough
I don’t understand
how people blame God
for their circumstances or
I still find myself apologising to Him
for the way that I am
Everything feels like a personal failure
I could’ve prevented
It’s hard to find balance
it’s hard to discern truth
it’s hard to know
what to believe inside of myself
I’ll still keep moving
because it’s all I know how to do
because there are people
I can’t let down
But I need a break
I need a rest
The world is overwhelming
and scary
And I’m still trying to find
my courage
and strength
I’m still hurting
and I’m still here
just me
Just a word ***** to get out
Sep 2018 · 234
Tired alone (15w)
milkweedangel Sep 2018
I could write poems until I pass out
but do I pass through anyone’s mind?
I wonder if anyone thinks of me late at night
Sep 2018 · 266
Wisdom teeth
milkweedangel Sep 2018
I’m getting my wisdom teeth out
at the end of October
and they want to put me on ******
for the pain?
and that scares me more than the actual removal
because I read the side effects
and suicidal ideation and paranoia
is not something I need more of
just like teeth.
I’m so anxious about how I might react to it it terrifies me
Sep 2018 · 179
milkweedangel Sep 2018
Whenever I doubt myself
I think about what you said
(I saved the screenshot)
and I tell myself
that those people don’t miss me
they miss Angel Tess
and it’s kind of sad
and it still hurts
(to be loved for being fake)
but it also
gives me strength
to not look back
and to keep trying
to be real
You often say things that stick with me for a long, long time. Thank you
Sep 2018 · 119
Friendship maker
milkweedangel Sep 2018
I make friendships
the way some people break them
but only a few have the key to my heart
I make friends easily but not deeply
Sep 2018 · 171
Winter nights
milkweedangel Sep 2018
Anxiety is like
winter nights
it draws in tighter
and faster
with each passing day
and you can only watch
it get darker
I’m not looking forward to the actual winter either
Sep 2018 · 101
milkweedangel Sep 2018
I delay eating
and sleeping
and crying
and emotions
like they’re doctors visits
I can’t afford
It’s not healthy
Sep 2018 · 295
milkweedangel Sep 2018
I think about hugging you
when I’m sad
when I’m lonely
when it hurts

you know I never feel more okay
than when I’m holding you tight
with everything my little body
can do
when I hold your strong and noble body
close to my little and loving body
two opposites
two friends
too much love
to feel sad
when I’m hugging you
my love
The hugs yesterday were very good hugs and I would like to have them again tonight
Sep 2018 · 106
milkweedangel Sep 2018
A million words fly through my head,
but none of them are good enough for you.
I wish I had better words for you
Sep 2018 · 364
milkweedangel Sep 2018
Maybe I’m not sad enough
maybe my emotions aren’t strong enough
for what I want to feel
and how I want to cry right now
But I love you enough
to know that fickle emotions
have never been the base to my love
for you
Because you are always enough
for me,
I love you enough for another walk through Mordor you know
Sep 2018 · 213
milkweedangel Sep 2018
Ah but love, what else can I do?
But shed tears when you do too
I can’t help but cry when you do
Sep 2018 · 130
milkweedangel Sep 2018
Is it foolish?
Sep 2018 · 2.0k
milkweedangel Sep 2018
lately my mind stops me
when i’m happy
to tell me the things
that bring me happiness
either make me pathetic
or should be something else
but what’s really pathetic
is how i can’t let myself
be happy
Maybe it’s pathetic but it’s nice to pretend they’re my friends
Sep 2018 · 432
Aquarium Tank
milkweedangel Sep 2018
if you’ve ever carried
a glass aquarium tank
full of water
then you know how heavy
water can be
all of the sorrow
has poured itself into tears
which filled up my heart
which is made of glass
that’s why my chest
is so heavy
Where’s the plug to pull?
Aug 2018 · 208
milkweedangel Aug 2018
I think loneliness
eats me up
not because I am alone
but because there are so many people
I can not trust
or be honest with
that I so desperately want to
“why is there no opposite word of loneliness?
could it be because people, until they die, have no moments of not being lonely?” -Life, by RM
Aug 2018 · 117
milkweedangel Aug 2018
Do you ever sit there
on the floor of your bedroom
desperately trying to grasp
old happiness
like fireflies in the dark?
Why don’t those things make me happy anymore
Aug 2018 · 839
Whalien 52
milkweedangel Aug 2018
In this lonely ocean
where my hertz is far above the others
I spend my days
hoping for a different tomorrow
I swim in this ocean and it’s big and scary
and dark and cold and bitter
And it is only just my own voice
that echos back to me when I cry

In this lonely ocean I found the reflection
of the moon up above the surface
and even a lonely whale like me
was less lonely by her light
So I talked to the moon
and I cried to the moon
and I told her “I’m so lonely,
even though you can’t hear me
anymore than anyone else
I think you must be lonely too”
“For you’re up in the sky
and the sky is as vast
and unforgiving as the sea
and it’s only you that I see up there
the same as I only see me.”

And the waves are loud
and the sea is dark
but I heard her voice,
it was lonely and sad
and I saw her tears,
they splashed down
on to my face
and they were the bitterest water
I ever tasted
and it was the saddest voice
I ever heard

And I cried.

And I realised the frequency of my hertz
wasn’t 52, but lonely sadness

And if the moon had hertz
her’s is the same
as mine

Which is why she heard me
and cried

And she is all the way up there
and I am all the way down here
But if you send your song out
one day it will reach tomorrow
Her light may take awhile to reach the earth
the same way my voice takes a long time to reach the surface
But they met each other
and returned to us
So even in this vast ocean
and even in the vast sky
Two voices met
and loneliness we could see
became a little less obvious
and a little less painful
And this lonely whale had a friend
who heard her hertz
and loved her.

So this lonely whale
continued to send her voice out
because she knew that she was heard.
And she continued to swim
towards the blue surface
towards tomorrow
Inspired by the amazing song “Whalien 52” by BTS and my beautiful friend Amira. Happy birthday, sweetheart. I love you so much. ❤️
Aug 2018 · 141
False belief
milkweedangel Aug 2018
Somewhere in the back of our minds
I think we all have something that tells us
that loosing someone for good is impossible
no matter how they’re doing
or feeling
or where they go
or what they do
Something foolish tells us there’s no way
they could really go and die
I think that’s why death makes us so desperate
we don’t really believe it’s real
at least not for the ones we love
I was thinking about him again
Aug 2018 · 155
milkweedangel Aug 2018
Why can my mind be too tired for words
but my heart never too tired to hurt?
I’m tired.
Aug 2018 · 437
milkweedangel Aug 2018
i hate when i can’t cry
like i need to.
this hurt is so desperate to get out
and crying is the only healthy way i know how
why are my tears always there when i don’t want them
and never when i do?
I just want a good cry
Aug 2018 · 185
milkweedangel Aug 2018
The walls of my room are closing in again.
how can a room so empty feel so small?

i have to wear my hoodie to hide the pain that isn’t there
i’m starting to wish it was again.

why does my chest feel so heavy?
why does my stomach feel so dark?
why am i still here
even though so many years have passed

i wonder why i still feel like i’m waiting
for someone else to die
for something so horrible to happen,
that i’ll do something so desperate
i’ll end up in the hospital or in the ground.

i don’t know if i’m wasting my days
or this is as it should be
but i’m starting to feel desperate for a different feeling
even if it’s pain, so long as it’s different,

that scares me.

it’s been a long time since i felt that way.

maybe it really is bad
maybe i should stop pretending it got better
but didn’t it?

i can’t trust my thoughts again.

i’m in this same pain again
this same place
this same me.

Has nothing really changed?
Maybe it’s just the weekend...
Aug 2018 · 516
milkweedangel Aug 2018
To be honest
when I look at you
all I see are truths.

I see the true version of myself
in your eyes and smile and words you speak
I see that I am strong, cute, loved, smart, and beautiful inside and out
I see that I am a good friend and a good person.

I cannot see those things, by looking at myself with only my eyes
But I can see them, by looking at myself with your eyes.

When I look at you I see the truth
that God is good and life is good
and good people still exist.

I see the truth that pain does not make someone ugly
that kindness is not weak
that love is not owed
and beauty starts in the heart.

I see the truth that even someone as lovely as you
can feel that she is anything but
because of people around her.
I see that truth and know that certainly
it could apply to me as well.

I see the truth that the kindest people
are hurt as much as they love
I see that they are also blessed
but not as much as those who know them.

I see the truth that the devil may fill your mind with lies
but your heart will always speak truth over me.

When I look at you,
all I see are truths
and a girl who has been lied to
far too many times
but still looks for truth
and doubts herself
but never that she loves me.
so I hope that she will never doubt
that I love her
and I hope that I too,
can be a mirror of truths for her
the same way she is always one for me.

I hope when you look at yourself
you will see the truths I see
Because your truths
will always be more than your lies,
my love
For L, in response to your “Honest” here is mine. I cried writing this. I love you <3
Jul 2018 · 153
Nature thoughts
milkweedangel Jul 2018
Maybe my thoughts never stop racing
like the birds never stop singing
And maybe we’re drawn to pain
the way moths are drawn to light
But maybe our souls are like the day
always renewed and never the same
So maybe there is hope amidst the chaos
or at least something a little like it just for us
Life and nature mirror each other
Jul 2018 · 138
milkweedangel Jul 2018
It’s funny how laughing while depressed
leaves the same raw feeling
that crying does
Does everything have to feel the same
Jul 2018 · 140
milkweedangel Jul 2018
I took my dog for a walk
and cried
She carried a stick
I carried this weight
The weather was beautiful
my heart is not
A sickness doesn’t mean
all your progress is gone
but depression sure feels like it
it’s hard to believe you now
when you say you love me
when you say good things about me
I’m just not sure
I want to be
but I’m not
it’s this sickness isn’t it?
I remind myself it lies but
does anything lie all the time?
Recovery isn’t linear
but depression sure is
I wish I was dead
but I wish I was happy more
My dog has fun with the stick
I don’t have fun with anything
It’s exhausting
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