i think once long ago,
i misplaced my heart in your arms.
though at the time,
it had seemed the safest spot.
even after the bruises began to accumulate
i staunchly believed there was simply
no safer place to be
when i left i tore my bleeding heart
from the very arms i had put it in
the very hands that had cut it up
to the degree it was found in.
the ****** trail i left, stained.
it was not washed away by rain or tears
i'm afraid it's what led you,
right back to me.
every time i finished patching all the holes
in this misplaced heart of mine
you'd send words along my trail
the wounding words disguised as care,
i read them
and found myself bleeding once more
there was months of silence
in which i found the time to rebuild
and strengthen this beaten heart
at last i knew; my boundaries, my worth
at long last,
this heart was just for me.
your apology came then,
i let my guard down, just enough
in the name of healing and closure.
so that by the time your second letter came
this misplaced heart tore again
with pain that never belonged to her
dripping, running, the blood pooled in my gut
i felt sick.
without realizing it, i had misplaced my heart again.
you violate my emotions and heart
all over again.
this time anger fills me,
i had not given you my consent
i had not told you this was okay.
yet you insist,
my kindness and love
was permission all its own
this time i shred my own heart
for if it cannot be mine alone
you cannot have it either,
the foolish heart.
Once there was a little fairy
they called her Fairy Kay
and every night before the morning
she'd paint the clouds of day
The fluffy clouds she did like best
big strokes and filled with light
but rainy clouds were needed yet,
so she worked hard to get them right
The rainy ones watered her flowers,
which she used to paint each cloud
and fluffy ones were good for napping
a good place to think aloud
Sometimes on the cloudless days
she'd feel a little alone
but they are just a gift for her
to rest her weary bones
a second part
how sad is it
that the only thing
i have left from you
is this letter
about how you hate yourself
because of what you did to me.
i threw it all away, all 11 years of it
i have spent so long
wondering if you knew
the hurt you caused
i couldn't cry about it
neither could i feel angry
but i couldn't seem
to let go either,
move forward and go.
the letter you sent
arrived with a flurry
of anxiety and anger
i was so tired
of you constantly reopening
these buried wounds
i don't care if you hate me anymore
i just want to be left alone.
you don't deserve me
reading your letter,
but we both know
i never did value myself,
the way i should
so i do.
and it's an apology
i cried, and cried
why now? why at all?
but all i can think is
"i love you"
"i miss you"
returning a final letter,
the last words
my heart breaks all over again.
But at least if I bleed
I know I’m alive
They just don’t want me
i have no lovely words
only ugly feelings
i wish i had lovely things to give you, but instead i'm stuck with all these gross feelings