I haven't written a poem in days.
I tell myself,
"These aren't the days you write, man -
these are the days you write about. "
Ok brain, that's cool and sounds
metaphorical and dark, I'll take it.
Then days turn into weeks, weeks into months -
And before I realize it, my stomach is
outside of my body - and mind,
wet, and cold among organs
pitifully trapped - I tell jokes
without punchlines, and dream without color - the food
doesn't taste like it used to, and the clouds
sometimes don't move for hours

the universe is cold
and stale and doesn't care
what we have in our homes, our hands
wallets syringes and pipes no hearts
no lungs or thoughts give meaning to
an empty darkness that drifts
along allowing what ever is to be to be

an idea isn't anything
if you can't
turn it into something

They say it's me
that makes you do things
you might not have done
if I was away
and that it's me
that likes to talk to you
and watches you
as you walk away

don't call me tomorrow
don't send me flowers
don't wish me all too well -
don't leave the sorrow
don't count the hours
just bask in your hell

They say it's me
that makes you do things
you might not have done
if I was away
and that it's me
that likes to talk to you
and watches you
as you walk away

it's almost 2 years
since i saw her last, -
her eyes in her hands
and my heart in my lap -
- it's been hours i can't count
and days since we spoke -
i read frequencies and signals
and drink in the smoke -
- and in early mornings, i glow with the stars, -
and nights, i get back late and sit in my car -
i think about her and how
it's almost been 2 years

I don't know what is going on -
Maybe it's the trap music.
That led to the twerking. No,
it's got to be Snap, the Google -
I see the ghosts of history around me -
Symbols of righteousness - hatred
mirrors facing mirrors - the voices -
I face the light in hopes of an answer -
I turn away and forget for I know one not come -
I breathe in the static -
I smile at the cameras -
Run.

The memories I have of her
are vivid - I recall meals we shared
years ago, the flavor in my mouth
is richer now, than it was then
The wine, pouring from her mouth
Like honey, like chopping onions
in the morning, I still hear her
knife hitting the board with each crack -
and when I woke up late, she said goodnight
Memories I have of her are volatile -
Like a red canister of gasoline
on my porch on the fourth of July
while birds build nests
I slowly burn myself to the ground

terror, terror everywhere
no time to stop and think

She - had a birthday recently,
and I didn't say anything.
She - got a new job recently, according
to LinkedIn.com, and I didn't say anything.
She - posted something ****** on Tumblr recently,
and I didn't say anything.
She - took a left on Main St. and stopped to get coffee,
(iced regular) - she paid cash, she dropped her straw
wrapper, she smiled and waved -
She - never saw me and I didn't say anything.

we would ride in a car
windows down and
smoke - and we would take turns
driving with our eyes closed -

once in awhile
people together create something greater
than good itself

i miss her like the
clouds drifting miss
an ocean crashes against the shore -
a child reaching for a red balloon is
like our lungs miss flames of the youth -
it's not that i don't want to smoke
and it's not that i cannot fly -
it's that i read an article once
that said if i quit before 26
it will be like i never started -
but now, with my lungs clean
and my mind cluttered, i wonder
if i ever should have started with you

witnesses say they heard you say
you were innocent -
unsuspecting audiences quiet to their devices
we were not kids running through fields anymore
we brushed with death breathing fumes
of hatred and virus, the body begins to deteriorate
like a hand soaked in a bowl of gasoline -
the moon falls behind the earth
as you smile until it returns

family shouldn't
shame - because
shame lumbers in the belly like a bad ham -
it burns into intestines and spills
hot green stomach acid up your throat while
you're asleep peacefully at the television -
no, family shouldn't
point fingers like a winter's frost, scowling
like a midnight alley cat between trashcans -
no - family
reflects in the
social mirror, and breaks
itself down first

is it freedom
to give away what's mine?
I taste the air, in the wind
and you, in my mind - I wonder, if
to forget today, will I wish away the light - ?
then until I turn blind - and numb - and why -
we run
I'm innocent - I
I didn't see it coming - I
I just let it happen -
I didn't plan on going out tonight
and then you came over after -
is it freedom
to give away what's yours - ?
cold handcuffs and red wine -
You're guilty - You
pretended you knew you were coming - You
You just let it happen -
You didn't plan on this tonight
but you just wanted action -
Tradition.
Free to do, free to please
What's free to you, it's what sets me free
and I don't need what I don't have and
I won't be a victim of this greed -
She hasn't called, I haven't either
and I still wonder what she thinks of me -

My heart goes out to the man
on the side of the road
My mind, goes out to the soul
who refused to open his hands
To a man, he'll never know
My stomach turns
Like dusty blade swells the smoke in the room -
I open doorways without knowing what's behind them

we used to bask in the warmth
we once drank from pure bodies of water
until the parasites came
and I stopped wanting to sleep at night

I rode a horse
and I built the pyramids -
and I sweat under suns,
and I hid in shadows in fear of it -
I've touched grass, lush
in pathways in bloom -
I've exhaled the hatred, a fist raised
against neighbor, and brushed
my teeth with shattered glass, learning
to become someone new -
I see the stars, the chances I exist
more than a witness -
I am more than a witness -
I am more than a witness watching
a comet fall across the purple-green summer sky -

i am the dust
that emerges from
the crack in the Earth
when the plates shift
and the chasms orange and clay and
the rivers that ran, have run dry
the trees bear no fruit
and there's a dead-ness in her eyes -
i haven't seen a sunrise
i've never watched a sunset
i can see the tides, rise
but believe it hasn't begun yet

sometimes i wonder
when the last time you wondered
what has come before you
and what may arrive after you leave -
sometimes i wonder
how much impact i could have
on what we believe -
and sometimes, i look back
and wonder, what i was thinking

There is something to be said,
for speaking your mind, she whispered -*

      There's a home
outside of this home -
inside of this home is a fire
inside of this home is a fountain
This pedestal, is perched, a crow
gawking at me, as I inhale smoke
from charcoal, as my breathing accelerates endlessly -
I can feel the oxygen hitting my lungs
like the sun hits my eyelashes on the first
day of Spring, where blue jays
and wet lawns, and a later setting sunset reach into
my stomach and fill it with flowers
and girls and sand and salt and bikinis -
I just wanted to take the time to say - I
I feel nostalgia in the form of an atomic holocaust -
it happened, and it will happen over
and over and over. Until we can take the time
to say, what we really feel inside.

everybody i know
dresses up like monsters
and ghosts
every day i
have ever known
and today is as cold as it
was once those windows
cracked open with a
wind of razorblades and let
you into my life like
a feral raccoon eating
at me like a heaping trash can

i am a hot mess, she said
with a white hot smile
piercing a migraine deep into my face
i didn't know what to say
i'm charming, i
burn liquids at a rate that would make
American forefathers sick
i'm careful, i
hit speeds in my head that could break
this atmosphere like a warm shell
in a cold barn, i
am aware
of the spoiled foot i discard
without shame - i
am not alone is this, she said

my time has come to rise from
bloodstained ashes under an October moon,
the night breeze cooling off our coffee -
You held the railing
Staring into the darkness
I wish, I called sooner I said
with a half-smile I knew that was obvious
Lessers versions of me knew that was true -
like fractals in a broken mirror
like the white hot center of your cigarette
like the soft flesh exposed
I wish I called sooner.

that's not a color, she said.
hard plastic - a ruler against, my wrist i knew it when
i insisted - it was
something i swear -
there's a sting in the eyes every Monday
that makes me want to puke - i see
wide eyed and cushy cats tidy in white and blue
suits and ties, while guys in tie dye streak, down inside i
know the demand for be some in between -
me and my shrink it's something dark
he offered me a pill to make it stop
i don't know if it's my brain or my heart
i just want to make it stop -
i just want to make it stop -
i just want to make it stop -
i just want to make it stop -
i don't find myself a teacher
or a reader of the news, i don't
see - myself terrified by what is to come, no -
i don't see myself collapsing into ruins -
     i will catch the comet
and be immune to a sickness
i will run from the ashes
and rinse in the toxins
i will be a rock when i window is closed
i will be your fist when false flags have arose
i will be the neon, in the cold alleyway
and i will be the last sip of liquor
before they find us
and take you away

Have you
ever drank warm whiskey by a cold sunset?
Do you ever eat apples to the pits?
Does the moving moss see a meal in a man?
I sat on top of campfires
flogged by flames
waiting to be forgiven -
I kissed frogs and mushrooms
while listening to the fractured pink noise
of horrible screams -
A horrible scream, it
wears white in black lace, it
wears down a man's pride that way
- I'm wasting, away
I'm wasting -
My time with you, she said about
with ***, in her eyes, it
was just exercise
and her and I
won't work out -

My neighbor and his girlfriend are fighting again -
Is this somehow punishment,
for something I did?

in my heart, there's a hornet's nest
But we can still be together I promise
the only difference is, it might
sting once in awhile honey - and
I chase toxins like a lit match
I used to read my thoughts aloud
with metaphor, and wit
And nowadays it's like I barely get,
A chance to step past this shadow
I blame the acetone in my sleep -
I blame the lights down on me
Like a hospital table

i am forgiven
for the ways i have wasted
for days, i had been tasting
fruit from a tree i found
i am forgiven
for kissing her on the mouth
for days in rewind
Neptune, Neptune

Open the windows let the spring breeze lift flowers with a song in the air -
Pour him a coffee tidy the table
Down come the children
It's an every day gamble, you swear.

There's something in the pizza, I thought
as I could feel the mechanics of my jaw
compress the wet paper ball caught in my throat -
"Your best days are behind you," I heard
through a cup against the wall -
I'm 27 - how could this be possible?
Yesterday I had a birthday party and no one showed up.
I didn't know I was supposed to invite them.
I didn't know it was a party.
I didn't realize I was invited.
Had I known, I would have declined.

I wrote you two letters
Both I sent together -
One was a welcome as well as
a warning of the words to come -
I often said that writing about you
was the easiest thing for me.
Be it the bad times, or the good we shared
I always found a way to mesh the moment
with your feelings, like I forgot mine
on a dusty European coast when you said
You'd come back and the phone never rang.
I watched it for days
At dinner, at dawn - I still remember how
little the food tasted then

I have been sick more times this year
than ever before.
My parents say I should sleep better.
My friends say I should eat better.
My boss says I should read more.
My doctor says I need regular
Exercise. Exercise. How can I walk
When I got so much on my mind?
Only that which can be expelled
At a desk, in my bed, in my dreams,
I'm happy.

I am
in amber glow, in wet cacoon
He is reborn
every moment is a chance to be new
But the tides that crash on this cosmic plane,
They drown, they breathe
I am awake but not lucid -
A victim to a story I did not tell -
A ghost in a graveyard
A dog in a basket
My heart on the table
You were destined to leave, I said
The autumn breeze cooling off our coffee -
I watch sunsets just so they burn a little bit

the stars and the static are the same
where pink clouds peel back like flesh
your frail fingers around my neck
there's a certain chaos in those eyes -
her dress up against my exposed waist
the stars and the static are the same
where blood rains for a thousand years
and the ashes of our ancestors blind our future -
I kissed her with the last breath I had

how many lips have you kissed since mine?
how many times of those did you think of me?
how many times did you wake up from dreams?
where we were together
and the air was still
our hands warm, and there's you -
getting everything you want,
and more.

It's been some time
Since I last saw you -
I wonder how you've been,
And if the thought of
What we had, and what went wrong
I wonder if you want me back
Or if it's all been gone - yeah
I still wonder about your dreams
If you've met them yet, or if you still pine for me -
I had a dream -
It was just you and I riverside
holding hands and clouds passing by
I could taste the air -
I could see the time stand silent -
Tall and forgiving and us, passing by it

Downward dog to plank
To Cobra downward dog to
Cobra to warrior 2 to downward dog
I'm as loyal as a dog
as conniving as the snake's heart
with a warrior's home sickness -
I miss what you were when you were asleep

i took everything
you said
literally - i took
your fiction for fact
as if
the sky were to fall I'd reach up
palms to push back to keep you
and i intact - but
fierce chills climb up my spine
when i hear her heart sink
our clock has struck midnight
as glass shatters across the floor -
the moon glows through windows
and this is a side of you
i have never seen before

the trees are weeping
for those fallen
once deeply rooted
we will all eventually leave
this place cold naked and afraid

we skip church on Sundays
to fend off champagne hangovers
wrapped in clouds of soft smoke
and perform oral *** on each other
under blankets and pillows
tangerine sourbet and wet windows
another reason to not leave you, my love
doorways into nightmares i tried to forget
oh this has always been more than enough,
hasn't it?

we met in the daylight
under a roof of rotting wood
flowers in your hair
i am allergic to chrysanthemums, i said
i hate the holidays, she said
mostly the music, though

u had a 'freckle'
u called a blemish
i had a scar
from a wound i couldn't remember
we held hands on swings at sunset -
i was seven
i saw the automobiles come
and go and we swung
and swayed
your hair, i still remember, today

My words are almost there
Ready to be drowned
Unfinished sentences - I
Start thoughts without knowing why -
I never understood kissing someone goodbye

I fall in love when
the walkways are paved with ice -
Your cold stare
My empty apartment
This dusty coffee table, you once
Placed half full lukewarm beverages
that became forgotten for days as I
woke up and drove places came back
A carousel, and you were the music to my madness - I knew
When you left, this was a
Terrifying place to be alone

the good stuff
is the bad stuff that
i taste and it burns the sour
reflection that curls the lip is the
same as the electrons leftover upside
down flat against the water
i learned to breathe in a vacuum
i learned to swim in the flames
i learned to rise from the ashes
and i learned to never be the same -
i left you behind, another story
another day - you might say otherwise -
you might say otherwise when i walk by
cigarette nod red eyed demon
i pray to a sky covered in clouds
they are so close, but i can't see beyond -
and after days of rain, i'm ready to go

the term reminds me that this body is a home
a home with a blue bicycle on its side
on the lime yellow lawn - patches of rust
and a broken screen door that whines when you open it -
moss and mold, lead paint and live wires exposed
my lights flicker, like my my heart ticks without being told -
cold drafts and rings of stained beer marks on the counter -
an empty fridge, an unkept bed
a broken dish washer, and a sink full
the air is still stale here, she said as she
ashed her cigarette on the floor and smiled

i had visions of a girl with brown
hair - her - eyes
lit up my soul, her
mouth was like a womb
her mouth was a womb for words
that gave life to chaos - her
hands were delicate like
a white napkin or a bird's perched
on an electrical wire - i hear
her speak when i look at the clock

i hallucinate like a starved sexpot
the lights bouncing brighter shades -
in this cold body, crossing your street
outside the walkway stumbling muttering
existential curse words, i  - curse words
for - never sounding like they promise
they will, coming from my mouth - i
have these habits you think are strange
but they - vapid on a cosmic scale - vanish, you
devoid of reflection, a vampire *******
the life, a tick in the morning dew grass you
imagine with pink sunlight and
the songs of birds chirping their affection