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Lila Platt Oct 26
I wish in society I knew my place,
I am just a paradox of time and space.
Lila Platt Sep 3
bright lights, background noise
all blurs into one big wall
my brain can’t process
all these things at once
I stare at other girls
copy their mannerisms
hiding myself
from the outside world
when I get home
I run into my room
take of this mask that I’ve worked so hard
to develop
only to hide everything about myself
everything that makes me me
just so I don’t get laughed at
made fun of
again
I feel like an alien
dropped down on an unfamiliar earth
having to fit in
pretending to be like everyone else
but not understanding
a single thing
sarcasm, cues, it’s all bologna
where are these rules written
give me the book
I’ll study it forever and still not get it
but at least I’ll seem normal
right?
I stop myself when I get too excited
my dad gives me a weird look
when I talk about the brain
an infinitely complex ***** that contains our whole life
my body is a mere appendix
I tell my friends about Latin etymology
did you know the hippocampus is named after the seahorse?
I hold my hands tightly
to prevent myself from shaking them around
like I want to
social hierarchy
what is it
how does it work and how do you know it
how many seconds do I stare into your eyes
my seven-two rule I sometimes despise
I immerse myself in fictional worlds
observing the characters
how they talk smile and move
taking notes
making flashcards
all to appear
normal
did it work?
it must have, right?
been fooling everyone for sixteen years
and it’s taking its toll
on me
it’s hard
it was easier when I was a kid
you just play beside another kid
but now there are rules I have never learnt
sarcasm is more prevalent
just smile and laugh right?
but what if you can’t even identify it
always never enough
criticism is my worst enemy
my grades have to be perfect but why
why
I’m the smartest person in any room
I’ve ever been in
but I have to appear normal
normal
neurotypical
allistic
hiding myself
but why
imagine a world where everyone
was like me
and this mask would never
even have existed
there would be no stress
I’d already fit right in
perfectly
no mask
no hiding
flapping my hands and talking
about the brain
about moths
about criminal minds
without judgement
it sounds like a dream
it actually was
but this world is far more difficult
I walk through a mall shutting myself in
because if I don’t I’ll explode
I close my eyes right as the bright flood lights pierce my brain
I smile as the background noise hits me like a wall of unfamiliar loud pain
I hide it well
sometimes
after a while it gets bad
I run and find a dark store
a worker asks me what do you need today
I run back out and feel bad for days
people talking, coins rattling
it all blends together
I can’t imagine a world
where it doesn’t
where my parents would let me
wear my headphones
without taunting me
a world where I have never been called
*******
stupid
******
loser
sensitive
from everyone
I can mask well
and that’s my downfall
because nobody ever notices
how hard I struggle
deciphering these looks
their tone of voice
they’re joking right?
years later I realize they weren’t
they were making fun of me
but you see
I wouldn’t change my brain
believe it or not
it is who I am
the feeling of telling people about my interests, watching my favourite tv shows, happy stimming, listening to music, my near perfect memory, recognizing patterns in everything
it’s a blessing and a curse
but it’s who I am
I couldn’t imagine life without the excitement and passion I have now
the feeling of flapping my hands and jumping
nothing beats that
the brain blur and tingle
the dopamine flooding my brain
it can be good
even if the bad is still there
this world wasn’t designed for me
and I’m starting to realize that
it was designed to exclude me
other people must look at me and think wow
she’s so strange
but I’m thinking the same about them
they walk around and go to parties
how are you? I’m doing well, how are you?
it’s nonsensical
I’ve learned to copy them
but at what cost
is losing myself worth it all
unmasking is incredible
but it can be dangerous
the bullying, the criticism
even from your own parents
can sting
everything I’ve ever been called as an insult
I remember it
I remember it all
I wish people could understand
I’m not Sheldon Cooper
I’m not a robot
I probably have more emotion than you
I show it differently
I put on this mask to prevent hate
from this society
that is so ableist
sixteen years of my life I’ve fooled everyone
I wish I could go back and start over
be the little alien I felt like inside
not worry about the monsters
because they weren’t under my bed
they were everywhere else
it doesn’t really rhyme but just some of my thoughts- this is how it feels to be autistic.
Lila Platt Nov 2019
she stares at the pages in front of her face
funny to think a few sheets of paper determines her place
her self-worth molded my that single number
exhausted from the stress, all she wants is to slumber
she taps the pencil against her chin
every student watching her, but this time she doesn’t grin
she feels the pressure, the stares, the looks
if her grade’s not over ninety, what’s the point of the books?
she tries so hard not to crack
with thoughts running fast on a race-track
she goes to bed with tears in her eyes
not knowing what the next day will bring when she’ll arise
...and do it all again.
true story bros
Lila Platt Sep 23
I watch them talk, express, emote
Studying every movement, every smile, I take note
Compiling the data in an organized fashion
Psychology books I devour with an unbridled passion
Putting on a mask like I’m at a masquerade
Underneath lies a little girl, alone in a big arcade
Practising my laugh in front of a mirror
Wiping away tears just to see it clearer
Searching “how to identify sarcasm” late into the night
Sore, tired eyes from my phone’s bright light
Relapsing into tears
Ridicule is one of my biggest fears

Why can’t I be like everyone else?
Another poem about masking autism and how it feels.
Lila Platt Oct 6
fix me
can you try?
give me a quiet brain
&when I fall off the wall
will you put me together again?
fix
me
fix
me
fix       fix            
me              



put me back together again.
whatever this is  :)
Lila Platt Oct 6
hands flutter at the speed of light
tingle in my brain, extremities float like a kite
overflowing with good
not staying still like I should
floating up to the stars
stimming to the moon & back
a magical joy, an incredible hack
flap my wings, fly so high
flap my wings up to the sky
Lila Platt Sep 4
deep green forest lit by the faraway sun
leaves crunch under his step, echoing the blast of a gun
her dirtyblonde hair tainted crimson red
some things are better left unsaid
they say fetch the profiler whose sanity is challenged
maybe he’ll notice the parts that were salvaged
look at the ritual, the signature, the crime
what is the significance, what is my design?
remove my glasses, step into his mind
sometimes I wish I had been born blind
analyze the evidence, make the connections
step out of the box that controls your projections
there is no one disorder to explain
the things that go on inside of my brain
From the perspective of will graham <3
Lila Platt Oct 26
grew up smart
gifted, bright
told I could do anything
be anything
now at sixteen
burnt out
tired
things don’t come as easy
and it pains me
that maybe I’m not as smart
as I seem to be
a fraud
a broken brain
in an exhausted shell
I don’t know who I am
or how to fix this hurt
I had this plan
all laid out
how my life was supposed to go
and now my dreams are crumbling
I keep running but my dreams keep getting farther away
every step I take
this wasn’t supposed to be my life
happy innocent ten year old me
looks ahead to this darkness
and mourns our childhood
a time to which we can never return
my face a facade hiding this pain
masking, burnout, the cycle goes on
why can’t you hear me screaming
help me
gifted kids grow up
get depression
anxiety
etc
I, a gifted kid, need help too
I, a gifted kid, wish I were you
but why can’t I ask for help?
Lila Platt Oct 6
I’ll always be here for you
no matter how long we’ve been apart
I know you’re there too
but will you hold my hand in the dark?
Lila Platt Oct 26
the wind whispers and runs its fingers through her hair
a melody in her ears, the salt in her tears
the darkness in her heart beware
Lila Platt Oct 2019
she knows there’s nothing that can be done
his last day to live had just begun
she wants to scream, to shout, to flee
to spend just one more morning sipping coffee on the dock
and he’ll come up behind her and start to talk
about his adventures when he was young
he’ll chuckle, he’ll laugh, he’ll click his tongue
“soon he’ll be back” she tells herself
and they’ll have that morning sipping coffee by themself
all she wants is for that day to come
“wake up, wake up” she whispers in his ear
knowing full well the person she knew is no longer here
family starts to say their goodbyes
they know this isn’t the end, but they still start to cry
the man they once knew, strong and tough
was brought down to nothing, and that’s enough
to make a person lose hope
death really is a slippery *****
but she knows that the day will come
when she’ll see him hammering nails in the heat of the sun
as she leans her head on his chest
she says goodbye and let’s him rest
he’s not dead he’s just sleeping
Lila Platt Oct 27
i love you today
i’ll hate you tomorrow
you make me
cry
laugh
want to die
i was three years old
when i found you
like love at first sight
i studied you
for hours at a time
you took me in
and gave me a place
but now i’ve lost you
and it pains me to say
i’ll never love you
like i used to

so can we just restart?

hi i’m lila
Lila Platt Nov 9
my dear ana
bakes cookies
just to smell
what she cannot have

my dear ana
brushes her teeth
so as not to be tempted
to eat

my dear ana
looks at models
actresses
friends
and stares into the mirror
but who is staring back?

body a culmination of words.

"are you really going to eat all that?"
"your cheeks are getting chubbier"
"i weighed so much less at your age"

mother says it like it's a competition

daring me to starve

setting goals I cannot reach

and the little girl shouts
"please ana let me go"

only to hear a soft whisper
"oh dear, I haven't even gotten a grip"
I don't know. It's not supposed to be good. It's a story.
Lila Platt Sep 16
this cut
bleeds
more than the rest
this cut
is how
her feelings are expressed
this cut
flows
like words of a psalm
this cut right here
this one’s for you, mom
Lila Platt Aug 2019
my life is a rollercoaster ride
the feeling of a hundred butterflies fluttering
the euphoria and adrenaline of accelerating down the drop at eighty miles an hour
until it’s all over and you’re left
speechless
wondering how the good times went by so fast
i don’t know what this is i just randomly thought of it and decided to post it for no apparent reason, so i hope someone can find something of this :)
Lila Platt Sep 23
I am who I’ve always been, the scales have just fallen from my eyes
I’m no longer deceived by you and your lies
Lila Platt Sep 2019
they said she would never feel the rain
see it gently pour again and again
watch dewdrops settle on fresh green grass
or feel caerulean waves crash over her back
they said she would never feel the breeze
get lost in forests emerald green
yet she steps outside with her heart on her sleeve
the world and its beauty just within her reach
slow shallow breaths she manages to choke out
crying for help but she’s unable to shout
her hope she knew was too good to be true
an unfamiliar world blurred before her eyes
all it was was beauty in disguise
red and blue lights accompanied by sirens
but she knows they’re too late to prevent her silence
they said she would never feel the rain
because all she ever knew was the feeling of pain
Lila Platt Oct 2019
the flame of a candle flickers in the dark
her wrists are bleeding from the rope that’s been leaving a mark
she can hear the rain coming down outside
a single tear falls from her eye
the dark cellar walls are closing in
a bead of sweat forms on her skin
locked in this cellar just like a tomb
there is no escape from this lifeless room
Lila Platt Oct 6
a sharp familiar ache
my heart may actually break
thought it was back pain
but all along it was my brain
this feeling
it’s somewhere inside
it’s too late to hide
from the stress
of being alive
descriptive of the chest pain I’ve been experiencing due to stress & sensory overload that I thought was in my back… turns out a massage can’t heal this one.
Lila Platt Nov 9
I sit unmoving
in a virtual world
fixing my eyes on the crack in the mortar
I disappear and float away

come with me
walk down the halls of my elementary school
running my fingers across the lockers
hands not mine

time to go

consciousness fades to the background
as autopilot kicks in
legs move as if wound up
like a toy car

I'm alive
but existing far away
rather asleep
trapped inside
the prison of her skull

where is my mind?
a tale of dissociation
notable mention and inspiration: where is my mind by pixies <3

— The End —