I sit at this desk
silent room
                    12:25 a.m
the world; asleep-ing

And I stare and pray
that you call me
I need you to call me
call me call me call
me please
           As I write the
words, I hope you hear
them, the pen scratching
like an alarm that
wakes you from your
hot sweaty slumber

It's so *******
anger-making, frustrating
that I can't call you
it's like some sick
game we play

And right now we
are both losing
I could call

But then I would win

And I can't bear

to make you the

loser


        tonight

I have to stop this, now

too many poems

like in Stardust Memories

I am just a sad person
                    writing about sad


things

                and calling it art



and no one really feels
       what I'm feeling


because it is not.
art.


It's just my tears
blurring the words on
        the page

I worry about you,
boo.

I worry that you
are alone
                  in a dark
room
like a prison cell
rats running over the floor
disease
grits for every meal

dirt in every crevice
cold toes.


                        I worry about


you.

I worry that you
are alone

with no one beside you
to comfort you.

I want to pick up
the phone and call

             I worry too much


or perhaps never enough

My hands are grody
from touching my
aching face

there is dirt
underneath my fingernails

from digging my
own grave




this hole isn't

deep enough yet.







keep digging

When the equinox is
approaching
I will know it
because the tough
leather shell around my heart
shrinks and tightens

And I look at the
leaves on the ground
and think, "how ugly"

And the brown dry cracked
dirt from where too many
feet have kicked up
the green that
was once.

I see only brown.
even the yellow is
brown

Winter is not yet here
and already
I am dreading the spring

my heart will stop beating





i can't
i can't do this


i've been trying
but the grief is too hard


when the rain hits the pavement
and stings my eyes

i think only of how

you always wanted to hold me in a thunderstorm

anger
shaking my whole body


you're mine.

you could never be anyone else;s

it's too soon it's too soon it's too soon it's too soon


please
just a little longer




you could never be trash

you're my
you're my
you're my




light
at the end of this tunnel



the light
at the bottom of this pit

this grave

that i am digging for myself




i want you here
more than anything

don't give up on me don't give up on me don't give up on me




i weep daily

in public places

just for you